We're required to remind you that these strong takes are SATIRE. Sorry, not sorry. All spelling errors are intentional, we think. -Ed.
Wellcome to the Monday Morning BM,, just a word of warning your probably not prepared to handle the strong football takes and barrelfire NFL truths that you never knew your Mondays were missing. This column is written for and by a REAL fan of the NFL. Its designed to be read on your Monday Morning commode break after a long Sunday eating bad-for-you food and drinking beers. If you care more about SPELLING then you do about TELLING theres the door because this columns not for you.
John Manziel had the most disappointing game by any quarterback in recent history folks* in his 30-0 loss to the Bengals. He was supposed to be the savior but he played the worst game of football I've ever seen. There are going to be those who accuse Johnny of being a immature baby who cant run a NFL offense and while I'll defense to the death your right to say that take, I must disagree. Blame must be assigned where it is due.
And I put that blame on the coaching staff for not letting Manziel play drunk.
Johnny was thinking way too much out there on Sunday. His biological clock has been fine tune over the past 8 years to be hungover as hell on Sunday afternoons, and forcing him out of his natural cirocadian rhythms is just going to ruin him. It was painful to watch, like trying to listen to a Aerosmith album after they quit heroin. Ill say it to you this way, if you want him to be shrugging off defenders on the field, then he needs to be shaking off the DTs in his mind too. Goes both ways.
You have to play to Johnnys strengths here. Johnnys more use to taking shots in the pocket from a hipflask then he is from a outside linebacker and asking Manziel to play sober is like asking Jesus to perform a miracle drunk or like asking Van Gogh to paint a picture not insane. Embrace Johnny Football dont try to change him Cleveland.
Theres no rule in the NFL against playing drunk by the way. I know I looked it up. Hand Johnny Eightball the keys and a keystone light and tell him to stand back there and shotgun and see what happen's. Its a popeye and spinach situaton, when he downs a ice cold beer hes going to start running around like a wild man freakdancing with the cheerleaders and diving nose first into the goal line because he thinks its a pile of cocaine. I mean its not like theres a lack of alcohol in Cleveland you could just fill up his waterbottle from there municipal waterfountains or worse case just get him a IV with fluids from the Cuyahoga. This is elementary football here folks and Johnny will take the Browns winning percentage as high as you let his BAC climb and thats a fact.
*- non RG3 division
Now on to the weekly awards:
Road Grader of the Week: The Trona Tornados
Picture via Bobak Ha'Eri
There was literaly no one who performed up to my standards this week in the NFL. There are no Elite players- right now there all frauds because no one has won a playoff game yet. However this is very important award this week...
Im giving the award to the Trona Tornados High School Football team from San Bernadino California because they literaly play on a football field of dirt. They use a literal Road Grader every Friday in a wonderfully gritty pregame ceremony to come out and smooth the field down. My guess is they let there player who had the best week of practice drive it like a bluecollar award for bringing your lunchpail the hardest. The great thing about this team is that they play 8-on-8 football which I have to assume is done without any WRs or Halfbacks. Just a outstanding program.
The annual game verses their rivals from Boron is literaly called "The Borax Bowl" because both towns are 100% based around the borax mining industry. No need for a medical training staff since all injurys are treated as soon as they occurr by rubbing a unlimited supply of dirt into them. There are no lights, they just politely ask all those in attendents to put there hardhats on and turn on there helmet lights on I bet.
They call the field "The Pit" and according to the New York Times its a tremendous homefield advantage verse those stuckup spoon fed pansies from Boron who are use to not playing on brackish water:
"This town stinks," Kalen Hanson, 17, of Boron, said before the game, referring to the sulfureous odor created by Trona's saline method of mining. Boron's mines use a dry-digging method, which is odorless. "It reeks here."
Trona players had their own point to prove.
"Trona has a different breed of kids," said Cody Corrion, 17. "We're tougher. This field makes us tougher."
Who knows if it was the Pit advantage yet again, but in the last four minutes of a bruising battle, Trona scored a touchdown and won 6-0.
A 8-on-8 football team that gind's out a game 6 nothing. That is the type of football I can cheer for folks. bet you it was a FB dive and they declined to attempt a extra point because soccer is for pussys.
Fan of the Week: Browns fan defending the Dawg Pound
This is literaly the most physical that anyone wearing a Browns jersey got against Jeremy Hill on Sunday. Hes defensing his territory which is a age old traidtion in the NFL- you have to protect the things that symbolize your franchise- its why Browns fans protect the Dawg pound and 49ers fans get in fights in bathrooms.
Joe Flacco Elite-O-Meter:
It has been my contenton that Joe Flacco is whats known as Baldingers Cat- both Elite and Not Elite at the same time. Each week MMBM will track Joe Flaccos performence in order to determine once and for all the answer to the unanserable NFL debate: Is Joe Flacco a Elite NFL quarterback?
Jacksonville is the Baltimore of Florida except theres not eletricity running through the city to be able to make several crime dramas about it. One thing that the Jaguars have in common with there poet laureats Limp Bizkit is that neither one has had a good record since 2003. That didnt stop them from giving the Ravens all they could handle on Sunday though, and Joe Flacco responded by having the most Joe Flacco game in the history of Joe Flaccos, throwing for 220 yards, 1 TD and no interceptions, commanding his Ravens to a 20-12 win over a bad team.
Joe Flacco has also shown a tremendous attenton to detail this week. Heres the picture he posted on his own twitter account for Throwback Thursday:
Computer- Enhance top tight quadrent:
This weeks rating is: Elite
10 Things I Know I Know:
1. Aaron Hernandez had his best week since the 2011 playoffs. The last time this much evidents against a Patriot has been thrown out without making its way into public view was during Spygate, or at least the Benghazi report. This of course means that theres a chance he woudnt be convicted of any charges at all. This is the new generaton of TEs- theyre chesspiece mismatches for prosecuting attorneys- too big to tackle and too fast to charge with homicide. Of course this bring up the question of what team would take the risk of bringing in Hernandez and all the baggage that comes along with him like the 3 murder cahrges. Well I for one think hed be the perfect candidate for the Patriot Way. Get Belichick to tighten the reigns on him a little bit and cut out all the horseplay and double murders and get back to keeping defesive coordinator up at night instead of rival gang members.
2. The NFC east had the most awkward doubledate in the history of the NFL yesterday. On one hand youve got the Eagles and Cowboys which is the highly successfull couple who suggests maybe they go out to a nice italian restraunt and then meanwhile the Giants and Skins are bickering about the wine order because Jay Gruden says he likes his merlot al dente.
3. Rxhard Sherman and the Seadderall PharmacyHawks were a tough pill to swallow again for 49ers fans. Honestly Colin Kaepernick in Seattle looks more like a Fairmont Barista then a pocket passer, except its easy to tell this guys not going to be waking up anytime soon if Im reading the tea leafs on his game film not on the top of his chai lattes here folks. This guy went from being top banana to low hanging fruit for NFL pundits faster then anyone I can remember.
4. Sexist as hell that when a women wears a skirt,boots, beers, and no top at a NFL game they kick my mom out for causing a scene.
5. The Cleveland Police department are literally being PC Police. They issued the following statement verse Andrew Hawkins who wore a shirt drawing attention to two Cleaveland-area citizens who have been shot and killed by Cleveland police in recent months.
"It's pretty pathetic when athletes think they know the law. They should stick to what they know best on the field. The Cleveland Police protect and serve the Browns stadium and the Browns organization owes us an apology."
I took a stand a couple weeks ago against this new generaton of milleneal police departments who are getting there feelings hurt and caring more about the number of likes they get on instagram then hits they get on a APB for a real criminal. Lets all remind ourselfs that the Cleveland police department hast really fared well when it comes to investigating teams or women that are trapped in some AFC basement in recent months so I doubt this protest will be heard by the team or its players.
Whats really ironic is that everyone in that stadium who was wearing Bengals tshirts were also technically supporting felons but I dont see the Cincinatti PD issuing a statement on it. Theyve got there hands full with real crime like hiring enough plain clothes officers to deal with the paperwork sent there way by the crimanic duo of Jeremy Hill and Pacman Jones to be the fashion police.
6. I had some fun with it -
I call him Tom savage Garden because he throw's the ball truly madly deeply— PFTCommenter (@PFTCommenter) December 14, 2014
7. Now that the Texans are left without a QB the obvous choice seems to let JJ Watt air it out under center back there. As we all know anyone in the world can win there first game at QB because theres no film out there on you. The sheer lack of game tape should be more hten enough for JJ Watt to win at least one game out of the last two and leave the Texans just far enough out of draft range to get a good QB.
8. There was some extracuricular activitys going on at a Lions tailgate before the game. Ill just call it what it is and tell you that a Lions fan was sticking his tounge where the sun dont shine and it got caught on camera. LINK IS Not Safe For Work. I was going to make this fella here Fan of the week but I think hed rather have a literal fan just so he can get some fresh air. Upon close examinaton of the evidence, it looks like this guy kept his sunglasses on while performing the act which shows tremendous attention to detail but was also just a smart way to make sure no one would recognize him in case he got caught on camera in this embarassing situation of being a Lions fan in public.
The Lions fans have always been known for there shit talking but this fan takes it to another level folks. It just goes to show you that the Benglas werent the only team to lick the Browns on Sunday.
9. Obamas congress has pulled there fair share of boners, but this could be the ugliest wasteband tuck of them all folks. According to Fox & Friends- which is where I get most of my news subcouncously after waking up from a blackout on my couch- the Superbowl is probably going to get cancelled. The reason why is that theres a act that expires at midnight on December 31st along with my restraning orders that allows the goverment to fund giant insurance companies that protect against people losing money in terrorist attacks. Armchair Lawyer Mike Florio responded that theres no way this actualy happens, but isnt that exactly what the league would want you to believe?
10. Weve got a QB controversy brewing down in Carolina folks. Derek Anderson is 2-0 this season and if he leads the Panthers to a division title by losing these next two games I dont see how you can put Cam Newton back in.Theres a old saying in the NFL that you dont lose your job from a car accident, but theres a reason its a old saying folks and not a new one. Last time a DA took over a job from a southern scam artist and got such good results he was played by actor Sam Watterston.
11. I thnk Ive figured out the problem with RG3. Hes a spaz. Sure hes incredibly athletic but lets be honest have you ever seen him take a hit without looking like a nerd tripping over his self and flailing around like a ragdoll? Watching RG3 running into the sidelines is always so hilarious Im suprised that Washington hasnt hired two guys to carry a big pane of glass back and forth in front of the gatorade coolers. Watching him dive for a TD on Sunday was so ridiculous. All he had to do was complete sailing through the air two more feet without spazzing out like he saw a girl he had a crush on and just letting go of the ball for no a parent reason but he couldnt even do that. This is an ironic take because the way his O-Line plays its obvious he doesnt have a pocket protector.
This Week In Rovell: Darren promoted an alleged felon
Now aside from just three or four times, Dareen Has been very careful about not letting his brand be tainted by scandal. But he slipped up big time by letting a violent mobster serve as his gambling expert during his CNBC days.
Shockingley, a guy who promotes himself at being an amazing sports gambler is a complete and total fraud who allegedly threatens to kill people. He has besmirched the good name of folks who run betting advice consultencys. Who would of ever seen that coming except for any one who has ever paid any attenton to sportsgambling hotlines and gurus.
Adam Meyer, seen here on Darren Rovells live action version of "Amelia Bedelia handicaps himself" was making incredble money giving gambling advice. He claimed to charge people up to 250k to make picks for them and it turns out he was a mobster who would allegedy shake people down for tens of millions of dollars by threatening them with murder.
Now that Meyer got arrested and is looking at a huge jail sentence- Rovell is acting like he was skeptical all along about Meyer-
Claimed. Be skeptical. It was just a claim that was not supported by any factchecking whatsoever is the clear implicaton here. I wonder what type of sucker would allow such a claim to be published without researching it at all. Hmm thats weird I cant seem to find- oh yeah- wait it was actually a article that Darren Rovell wrote about him touting his abilty to be an extremely ethical sports tipper.
It was literally titled : "Sports Tout Says He's Out to Change Industry's Reputation." In it Rovell gushes about how prestigous Meyers services are and basically just does the thing where he republishes a press release without factchecking anything. But its not like Rovell was promoting him.
Adam Meyer of @realmoneysports tells me where bettors often lose is when they bet on games just to bet, but there's no value.— Darren Rovell (@darrenrovell) October 21, 2011
Guy with $1.5M on Cards (@realmoneysports) tells me he hedged w/$250K bet on Brewers. Might throw $500K on Rangers.
— Darren Rovell (@darrenrovell) October 17, 2011
Guy with $1.5M on Cards (@realmoneysports) tells me he hedged w/$250K bet on Brewers. Might throw $500K on Rangers.— Darren Rovell (@darrenrovell) October 17, 2011
Sports tout @realmoneysports bets on advice he tells clients, wins $543,000 on Kentucky Derby http://is.gd/cYgVVX
— Darren Rovell (@darrenrovell) May 18, 2011
Sports tout @realmoneysports bets on advice he tells clients, wins $543,000 on Kentucky Derby http://is.gd/cYgVVX— Darren Rovell (@darrenrovell) May 18, 2011
Reader MailPail: New Name for Washington
I have a sugestion four a new name that eveyone can appreciate. C, if the country was a car, and folks let me be clear I am not implying that the contry is in fact a car but just methaphorically speaking, then we can all agree that Washington is the engine, cuz its where everything starts and generally brakes down... Therefore, they will now be referred to as the "Ingins" because we people need change, no more status quo serias, ly.
I like it. I assume The Engines would actually be a great name because it would be a false flag name that is a nod to are heritage of mispronouncing names on purpose just to neg other cultures. Thats why everyone in the world loves America so much is because were using the old pickup artist technique of lowering other countrys self esteem by saying stuff like "Cool army poland, do your tanks also go forward?" Americans arent afraid to escalate to a little bit of kino either with our interrogaton techniques if things start to go downhill.
Bill Simmons suggested that their fans could raise 3 billion dollars and buy the team from Snyder. That makes me think there should be a "The Ladders" for Kickstarters. A website direted at fundraisers trying to collect Elite amounts of money. I honestly think I could raise 3 billion dollar's. I just need a million people to give me a hundred dollars and I would promiss them that they would get to call plays via a special app like when a million people play pokemon together. It woud be a grand experiment and I would also change the team name to the R------S (all caps).
What to look forward to on Monday Night: New Orleans vs. Chicago
These two teams are both battling meltdowns at the coordinator position. One one hand youve got Bears OC Aaron Kromer admitting in tears that he was the source of a lockeroom leak that made fun of Jay Cutler, and the other coordinator meltdown is actually more centered around the amount of cheese that Rob Ryan has consumed at Genos East this week.
In this battle of which city has the most regionally unhealthy food and strange acents there will only be one winner and my money is on Da Bears. Your going to see the pampered dome team from New Orleans uncomfortble in Bear weather while Chicagos offense excercises the right to bear arms folks. Chicago rolls up the sleeves and grits it out.