We're required to remind you that these strong takes are SATIRE. Sorry, not sorry. All spelling errors are intentional, we think. -Ed.
Wellcome to the Monday Morning BM,, just a word of warning your probably not prepared to handle the strong football takes and barrelfire NFL truths that you never knew your Mondays were missing. This column is written for and by a REAL fan of the NFL. Its designed to be read on your Monday Morning commode break after a long Sunday eating bad-for-you food and drinking beers. If you care more about SPELLING then you do about TELLING theres the door because this columns not for you.
Someone needs read Marshawn Lynch a copy of our constitution. In all our goverments wisdom they listed the Amendments in order of which ones should be taken the most seriously and which ones were just basically kind of practical jokes.The number 1 bill of rights being the most serious and then the later stuff like the 15th 18th and the others more of suggestons, and last time I checked freedom of the press came before your right to avoid self-incriminating.
Im sorry but the NFL is a three-strikes and youre out league and Marshawn had a triple threat of terrible on Sunday. First of all he decided to skip the entire first quater of the game with a case of the sniffles. Youve got a guy who cant even spell IV telling a doctor that he needs one? Im sorry but because your being investigated by the DEA doesnt make you a doctor. This is a guy who self-medcates with Skittles trying to self diagnose with ebola just so he can get a free sick day. Unbelevable.
Any time I show up 25% late for work I get fired because I didnt empty out the grease traps, but this punk just deicdes when hes ready to play at his convenence? Give. Me. A. Brake. He spent the entire first quater quite literally shitting himself and throwing up into his jockstrap as a intimidation factor, a old Michael Jordan trick if there ever was one. He knew that with the Ebola scare and just people in Arizona being deathly afraid of anything, no one would want to get close to contacting him. The result was the touchdown run where Patrick Peterson would of had to violate eighteen CDC protocols just to wrap up a leg.
Strike two was the touchdown run itself. Yeah sure your going to see it all over your screens as a "high light" which is ironic because I caught a buzz just from watching him carry the ball like it was a kilo, and then i lost about 20 pounds when I puked from what bad fundamentals he had shown, and also from the 40 beers I drank this weekend. This guys worse at getting downhill then Sonny Bono no offense.So many sidesteps I thought I was watching Obama try to formuoate a complete thought without a telepromter.
To make matter worse, the celebration of the run was awful. Lynch grabbed his testicles as he was jumping into the endzone to the point that I filed a complaint.
All the youngsters out there watching on TV should be learning how to play the game the right way and Lynch showed just absolutley terrible ball securty by grabbing his nuts with his inside hand and carrying that thing like a loaf of bread.
Then theres strike three- the postgame press conference. Without good quotes from football players,, the reporters woudnt have enough materal to provide all the content that super hungover people who go to work on Monday morning want to read half-assedly when there boss isnt around. Its a vital part of the NFL ecosystem and Marshawn is literaly strangling the life out of it. So I filed another FCC complaint against him because of what he didnt say.
If your going out of your way to not answer questions, then all Im hearing in my head is you dropping F bombs and treatening to assault sideline reporters. Thats on you for makling me think that- and as the saying goes- if you assume something, say something. Heres the full transcript- note all the blank spaces after Lynchs answers where the cuss words were redacted before he said them:
Folks if were making people cancell offenseive interviews how about we stay out of Hollywood and start in Seattle.Goes both ways.
What Marshawn isnt smart enough to get apparently, is that as a guy who writes about sports online I pay his salary- NOT the other way around. By not respecting the media hes shooting himself in the foot and you know who else would rather shoot himself then asnwer questions? Why dont you crack opena history book, go ahead Ill wait.
I call him Beast Chode because its unbelevable just how thick headed he is, Lynch has the nerve to not give a very good press confrence after the game. Hell son you only played for 3 quarters and I need a dollars worth of effort out of you so by my math you owe me at least 25 centences, not this one word answer crap.
Now On to the awards!
Road Grader of the Week: Rikardo Lockette
So Im on record that Marshawn needs to be doused in honey glazed chicken and casualy throwin in front of a hungry polar bear, but there was a amazing feat on his touchdown Run. His teammate Rikardo Lockette just absolutley hustled his balls off. Matter fact I call Lockette "Tundra-wn Lynch" because hes the polar oppoasite of Marshawn. Look at this busy beaver (no offense to Russel Wilsons wife) and how many blocks he makes on this one run. The great part about it is how he doesnt have to grab his groin as he guides Lynch into the endzone. Just because your a cheap escort doesnt mean you have to act like one folks.
Fan of the Week: Santa Peterson
— Scott Hastie (@Scott1Hastie) December 21, 2014
Love the message this sends. Sets a tone. Trust, but verify.
Joe Flacco Elite-O-Meter:
It has been my contenton that Joe Flacco is whats known as Baldingers Cat- both Elite and Not Elite at the same time. Each week MMBM will track Joe Flaccos performence in order to determine once and for all the answer to the unanserable NFL debate: Is Joe Flacco a Elite NFL quarterback?
What a terrible week for Joe Flacco. First Obummer confuses your name with some guy whose more famous for passing a bong then a ball and sucking weed hits out of Seth Rogans butthole then sticking it to the Browns twice a year. To make matters worse he completely laid a egg on Sunday verse the Texans. Joe Flaccos first half stats were basically 3/75 for negative infinity yards and 2 INTs. Not exactly Elite by any stretch of the imagination. To make matters worst, he got outdueled by Arian Foster who is more of a Elite QB then Falcco at this point.
The only reason he didnt get a bum rating is because it would of been enourmously disrespectful to Bum Philips to say that Flacco played like a Bum in that city.Bum was the ultimate coaches sons Dad and when your in Houston a Bum is a term of endearment like calling someone from New York a "asshole" or calling a Floridian "defendent."
This weeks rating is: HES A DISGRACE.
10 Things I Know I Know:
1. Darryl Young set a padlevel tone for Washington scoring 2 TD on two carrys for 2 yards. Young had the perfect total FBR rating which is my propritary metric stat for evaluating the gritlevel of a old school ham and eggs type mauler Its Total yards divided by total TDs times 100. Typicaly scores are only 0 or 100 but thats life for a NFL fullback- theres the Elite and then theres everyone else.
2. Great days for Danny Amendola and John Kuhn who both led there respectable teams to big time wins. But more importantly they both got some face time on caera as Kuhns helmet was knocked off twice and Amendolas was taken off once. Did they stop running just because they didnt have a helmet to protect them from boo boos or closed head injurys? No they just bit down a little harder on there mouthpiece and kept going.
Technicaly your less likely to get a concussion when your not wearing your helmet because your become more finely attune to how much more dangerous it is to get tackled without your helmet, making it safer.
3. Bill O'Bryan should be coach of the year hands down. The shell game they played leading into this weekend was one for the ages, as the Texans woudnt announce who there starting QB was until Sunday, leaving the Ravens in a deadley position of whether to prepare for the vastly different skillsets of Tom Savage or Case Keenum. Classic gamesmenship.
One cool thing is that Keenum was literaly holding a bow and arrow in his hand probly covered in mud perched up in a tree like a psychopath trying to hunt the Predator when he got the call from the Texans.If you can shoot a deer, you can throw a duck.
— Peter King (@SI_PeterKing) December 22, 2014
5. Play of the day go to Brian Hoyer who underthrew his recever by a good 10 yards knowing full well the pass would be intercepted by a cornerback whose fumble prone. He gets it. The Browns recovered and ended up with a 10 yard gain. Thats Hoyer for you allways playing ahead of the chains.
6. Kenny Allbert was caught wearing this Christmas sweater with a snowman and a carrot dick.
So for awhile it was all "cue the outrage" but lets be honest grownups here: This is probly the least bizarre sexual thing Kenny Alberts ever done. Let me remine you that he grew up with Marv Albert as his male role model so the ol carrotdick snowman gag was probably a annual Albert family traditon like the milf on a shelf statue, the little hummer boy advent calendar, or the anal with wings sitting on the very top of the XXXmas tree. Is it really that different from your traditions to wake up hering Marv screaming at your mom "youll put your eye out with that thing!"
By the way lets just all take an moment to think about what a great injustice it is that Marv Alberts not on twitter and therfore we will never know the contents of his DMs.
7. Domnic Raiola might just be the toughest player in todays NFL. In a era where every player is all about me me me, Raiola is out here literaly CRUSHING Egos.
This guy plays through the e in life folks.Gotta love the Dominator.
8. LOVE Marc Tresman's last ditch effort to save his job. But then you almost have to wonder if your jobs realy worth saving if the only way to keep it is to tehter yourself by the tounge ring to Jimmy Classen. This is like a husband trying to save his marriage by buying gas station roses after spending a year strapped to a chair Clockwork Oranging himself to the Brazzers homepage..
9. Odell Beckham aside from being a accused possible gangmember dodged a major bullet when Alec Ogltree powerbombed him into the sidelines yesterday. As Beckham tried to get up he did a scissor kick that bounced harmlessly off Ogltrees football muscles. Beckhams a soccer type guy in a football type league. Make no misstake, guys around the league will talk about this and if Odell wants to get his kicks in its going to come at a price.
— Pete Prisco (@PriscoCBS) January 2, 2014
11. Peter King has a new nickname for Julian Edelman- "The Kent State Security Blanket" which is interesting given that shcools historical record with Patriots keeping people safe
12. Robert Griffin the turd was obvously auditoning for a job with the Eagles. Thats the only explnaton for him playing so well. Its like your dating a girl and you clearley arent going to make it a long term thing so you turn the charm on heavy when her roomate comes around doing courteous things for the girl your about to break up withjust so you can look cool. I get it Robert, for once in your life your not telling her to "maybe just order a salad" but its only because you got your eyes on Kelly.
This Week In Rovell: Darren has some very confusing thoughts about online retail
So the main page of Nike.com experenced some downtime over the weekend which from what i hear is not necessarily a great thing if your business involves you selling things on your online store. Its like if strongtakes.com went down for maintenance during the source awards. Rovell, however was quick to point out that this is all part of Nikes master plan because Darren would have sex with a 3D printed swoosh mark if given the oppertunity.
If theres one thing you half to admire about Darren though asides from his unwillingness to back down from being wrong about everything, its the fact that hes consisntent:
Reader MailPail: Buy or Sell- Merry Christmas from Alex
With teh CHRISTmas seeson upon us, wud Jesus Christ b an elite QB? IMO,,, no. To many daddy isseus
Thats a great queston.. I allways say that Jesus was the original coaches son out there so yes, in my opinion hes Elite. Also Jesus spent all his time travelling from Israel to Rome and back so he was a north south runner. The only thing that concerns me is he tells all his follower's to wear a cross on there necklace- total blue collar guy knowing its about the name on the front of your shirt that matter. What number would jesus of worn? Gotta think with the apolostle factor maybe the 12th man?
Mailpail 2: from Kade
Has no one linked Manzeil's QB stock to the price of Oil??? Grandpa's checks are the fuel he needs and they are dwindling.
Thats a exellent point. Johnny comes from oil money and the drier the wells get, the drier his nose does. Johnnys use to using Dads credit card to buy drinks and chop lines, and now that hes just another poor NFL rookie struggling to make ends meet, his games suffering. Im on record that they need to let Johnny play drunk, gacked, whatever. Id rather have him be tweaking on some shake 'n' bake then tweaking a hamstring folks.
What to look forward to on Monday Night: Denver vs. Cincinnati
If orange is the new black then shouldnt Andy Dalton be aloud to sing along to rap songs? It goes both ways.
Also Payton Manning is obvously hurt. Hes a pizza salesman but hes going on the Atkins diet tonight folks and Genos going to make a meal out of him.
Bengals 31, Broncos 17.