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25 things that will definitely happen at Super Bowl XLVIII

You can't bet on these because Vegas doesn't let you bet on near certainties.

Kirby Lee-USA TODAY Sports

SB Nation 2014 NFL Playoff Coverage

1. Security lines will bog down after a memo is circulated to personnel mistakenly saying that only transparent items may be brought into the stadium, not transparent bags. Several ticket holders will be detained and questioned about their "suspiciously opaque asthma inhalers."

2. Rex Ryan will show up around two in the afternoon with some friends, a kickball and three improvised bases. He will insist that he booked the field weeks ago and refuse to leave until he is given two cases of beer and a soft pretzel.

3. Rob Ryan wanders the parking lot for an hour. Rex said he wouldn't forget him again. Rex promised.

4. One unnamed broadcaster and former player will get brain freeze after eating ice cream too fast. An NFL lawyer will record this incident as proof that most neurological injuries are unrelated to football.

5. A passenger on the subway remarks how funny it is that a New York City Super Bowl is being held in New Jersey. While she is not the first to do so, her words are overheard by New York Governor Andrew Cuomo, who has never realized this geographical truth until that moment. He begins planning a military assault against the neighboring state, which will plunge the country into a decade of war.

6. The ban on open flames for those wishing to tailgate leads several fans to consume raw beef and chicken.

7. Most of those fans get terribly sick, but a lucky handful develop meat-fueled superpowers. With their newfound abilities to fly, summon super strength and shoot lasers from their hands, these carnivorous gods throw the geopolitical power structure entirely out of balance.

8. No, we're kidding. They all just get super super sick.

9. Eli Manning will spend the morning practicing his sick-on-the-phone voice in an attempt to convince his mother that he would really love to go to the game but gosh this might be contagious. Olivia will tell him to drink some orange juice and get dressed.

10. Kickoff winds up being delayed 14 minutes after Jack Del Rio has to be cut out of a polo shirt that he put on backwards and insisted he could just wriggle into the right position.

11. Michael Crabtree will spend the game in a gym catching passes over a mannequin crudely dressed like Richard Sherman. Crabtree finishes with 635 yards and 27 touchdowns.

12. The Pro Football Writers of America praise the mannequin as "a class act" and "graceful in defeat."

13. Bill Belichick will show up in a suit. Everyone will wonder if he is Paul Bearer's secret brother.

14. Marshawn Lynch will plant a single Skittle at midfield during warmups. Years later, it will blossom into a beautiful tree that destroys your dental work.

15. Seahulk will finally transform back into his human form after learning that man's greatest strength ... is his capacity to forgive.

16. A masked bandit atop a horse will take the field in the middle of the national anthem, grab the microphone, and urge the players to throw off their shackles and form their own, player-run league. (We later learn this is David Stern, bored on his first day of retirement and just screwing around.)

17. The game begins with Peyton Manning picking the ball up off the kicking tee and throwing it to Julius Thomas for a touchdown. "But the game's supposed to begin with a kickoff!" you insist. Is it? Show me the rule.

18. Mike Pereira will say that, yes, that is in fact illegal, but it's not a reviewable play. He will then talk at length about how nothing in life is really reviewable, because time only moves in one direction and the past does not exist. Mike Pereira is so drunk.

19. Nick Foles arrives at the game five minutes late, extremely apologetic. He then asks where to sign in as all-time quarterback.

20. A dejected Nick Foles leaves the stadium shortly thereafter, having learned that, no, the Pro Bowl MVP does not get to be all-time quarterback at the Super Bowl.

21. Security teams scramble when an unplanned parachuter enters MetLife Stadium airspace in the middle of the first quarter. It's Vice President Joe Biden, who actually doesn't know there's a game going on but just really had to poop.

22. As part of the halftime entertainment, a high school drumline will take the field. This sends John Elway into a fugue state, where he insists he is Dame Geraldine Casseiopeia Highbury. Fetch him a sable at once!

23. Controversy arises in the third quarter when it's revealed Russell Wilson's urine has tested positive for sunshine and the smell of freshly baked cookies.

24. Late in the game, Golden Tate goes down with a minor injury. Pete Carroll sends in ... heavens, it's John Lennon, who was never actually murdered but merely kidnapped by the CIA's secret CIA to cover up the fact that Ringo is actually a government-built android sent to give us all canker sores!


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