clock menu more-arrow no yes

Filed under:

The future history of NFL rule changes for touchdown celebrations

New, comments

First they came for our neck-slashes. Then they took our goal post dunks. By the time Chancellor Goodell implemented harsh penalties for thoughtcrime, we were powerless to say no.

As the NFL machine churns away at eliminating humanity from its gradual destruction of human combatants, Celebrity Hot Tub and I glimpsed into our crystal ball to see what draconian changes await the NFL's future touchdown celebrations.

2015: NFL officials rule that spiking the ball qualifies as using it as a prop. 15-yard penalty.

2016: High-fiving, hugging, or otherwise touching teammates after a score is ruled a "group celebration," and thus merits a 15-yard penalty.

2018: No more than two hip pumps.


2020: Touchdowns by players with visible tattoos worth only five points.

2021: Teams scoring touchdowns will not be credited with points unless the scoring player correctly fills out Form 1170-TD(b) and submits it through the correct channels for review by the NFL Scoring Office.*

*Fans can watch a live feed of the Scoring Office on NFL Net 2. Talk to your cable provider about getting NFL Net 2 today!

2022: Player scoring a touchdown may not give the ball to a fan unless player brought one for everyone in the stadium. Player shall be docked pay to replace any balls given away.

2025: Touchdowns must be previously declared at Customs.

2028: Eye contact with officials forbidden.

2031: No screaming after touchdowns in domed stadiums. Inside voices, people.

2036: After a Tacodown (brought to you by Taco Bell), player must eat the ball, which is now made of ground beef covered in a thick Frito carapace, and look happy doing it. Saying "Yo quiero Taco Bell" in a sufficiently Mexican accent replaces the extra point.

2042: 15-yard penalty for any Tacodown celebration that does not include a loyalty oath to the Commissioner's Office.

2051: Each player scoring a Tacodown must donate one million platelets toward the continued survival of Chancellor Goodell, as newly required in Article VII of the Charter of the Confederated States of American Football, a subsidiary nation of NFL-Prime.

2058: Imagination strictly forbidden. Independent thought and/or disobeying one's Reichcoach merits indefinite imprisonment.

2167: Tacodowns outlawed; "This is why we can't have nice things," declares God-King Goodell II.