We're required to remind you that these takes are parody, but the YOU-nion is real. All spelling errors are intentional, we think. -Ed.
I have seen unions. I have seen unions on land and sea. I have seen blood running from the wounded. I have seen men coughing out their gassed lungs beacuse they didnt put in extra minutes in the offseason (there is no offseason). I have seen the dead in the mud cuz they didnt want it enough. I have seen cities destroyed or maybe Detroit was like that when we got here. I have seen two hundred limping, exhausted men come out of line—the survivors of a regiment of one thousand that went forward forty-eight hours before aka draft day. I have seen children starving because there not allowed to work. I have seen the agony of mothers and wives who have to spend more time with there lame husbands and sons. I hate unions.
- Thomas Jefferson
I. Hate. Unions. There more like ME-nions instead've YOU-nions. They literally destroyed the city of Michigan and Steven Crowderses jaw. They sent unemployment skyrocketing among US citizens ages 2-14. They tug at the fabric of are very nation and are stupid.
HOWEVA (Stephen A Smith voice) this time has come to band together as NFL fans. Theres a NFL Owners union (any time a group of rich guys sitting next to each other keeping themselfs rich its technicly a Union), thers a NFLPA led by human fedora DeMaurice Smith, but us FANS are the REAL reason for football to exist in USA. Why dont WE have a seat at the table?
Kann Coulter or whatever his name is, the QB for the Northwestern Mildcats sat down and said "Hey everyone look at ME. I work over 40 hrs a weak on playing a GAME. I deserve to be a employee. I derserve a Union." Thats almost exactly what he said.
Well guess what? I spend over 40 hrs of my week thinking about football, cutting out D-Fence signs, and inventing cool nicknames for White players. Wheres MY union? Instead of giving us a seat at the table, the NFL is strapping us to one and forcing us to watch "Read Option" QBs- The fans are the folks who make the league run like clockwork and there treating us like itsClockwork Orange.
WAKE UP GET MAD.
This has been marinating in my head for so long Im suprised Jamarcus Russel hasnt covered it in a codene reduction and wet-braised it yet. But earlier this week with the whole Darren Rovell fiasco where NFL fans from coast to coast stood up for thereselfs against a BSPN (lol) reporter, it made me realise the potential is here. In just a hour or so NFL fans around the world made #CancellRovell trend in spite of there being a alternate hastag #cancelRovell that took a way hundreds of would be supporters. (Frankly woudnt be suprised if that was a false-flag hashtag set up by Rovell to divide and conquer.) Well quess what? It didnt work.
That was the shot heard round the world. That was when the tide changed,, and today I am please to announce the creation of the NFLFA ,, the National Football League Fans Association.
This isnt going to be a MEnion, this is a YOUnion. Matter fact, this is a WEnion.
I need peoples takes as I draft up the charter but heres some ideas for the bill of rights:
Noted MMQB fella and fan of the program got in on it:
My girl friend Michelle Beadle stopped in to say hello and lend her support:
sup bae? pic.twitter.com/7JRhbsqcir
— PFTCommenter (@PFTCommenter) April 8, 2014
Realy great Twitter person and PFTC recommended "must-follow" Sonar Jose played the "if you can't beat 'em, join 'em" card.
Sports guy Will Leitch stopped in with a very polite "no comment. but I mean come on"
I'd say something about #cancellrovell but I don't want to be, as I remember the parlance from a year ago, a "mean girl."
— Will Leitch (@williamfleitch) April 8, 2014
But there was only 1 guy throughout the hole thing that took a brave stand against genocide. A real hero whose also a Seminoles fan:
.@PFTCommenter Congratulations on becoming the new face of Anti-Semitism and HATE in general. I'm sure your parents will be proud
— Daniel (@SFLHOV) April 8, 2014
Suprisingly Millionare Quarterback Robert Griffin III didnt have a comment for Danel.
All are welcome except for Daniel.
Anyways what Im getting at is that theirs strength in numbers. Right now were all out there a lone being ME-guys. I want a team of folks that I can depend on,, and if they go on a vacaton and dont even THINK about football for days on end, I want someone that I can call a distraction.
Thats the types of bonds I want to form, and also to make Darren Rovels job just a bit toughter.
Thanks and Godbless,
Jon Hancock and PFT Commenter