PFT Commenter's strong takes are presented as parody, but can't be any more ridiculous than actual conversations about the NFL Draft. As for his investment advice, it's your money. All spelling errors are intentional (we think). - Ed.
Like all Americans I dont understand any thing unless its screamed at me during daytime TV. Thats why Im literally addicted to "Mad Money" with Jim Cramer- its like "First Take" for people who are actualy willing to invest all of there money on every word Skip Bayless says. Right now my stock market knowledge is mostly limited to which scenes were the most wank-able in Wolf of Wall Street (all of them), and weather or not Reed Hastings is a Elite CEO.
But theres one market that even Obama his self couldn't screw up- the predraft QB market. If your looking for pinksheets might the closest your going to get is Mark Sancezes girlfriends bedroom,, Im here to talk blue chips bears and bulls folks.
TOM SAVAGE: BUY BUY BUY BUY YOU IDIOTS BUY STOCK IN TOM SAVAGE
Pittburgh QB Tom Savage is literally skyrocketing up draft boards from coast to coast all across the National Football League. You can tell that hes got what it takes to be a great NFL QB because the longer Tom goes without playing a actual football game, the better people think that he is. Matter fact if Im his agent I try to talk him into taking a year off football just literally living in a film room and let his stock keep rising.
Heres everything that you need to know about Tom Savage: During his college Career he has played for Rutgers Arizona and Pitt- living in Jersey, Tuscon and Western PA over 3 consecutive years is generaly known as the chlamydia hat trick. Any time your able to live in those towns and make it out without losing a genital to the clap or a finger in a mechanical accident your proving to me that you can beat the odds. Lets face it, your more likely to find reviews of those towns on Erowid then in the Princeton Revew. That tells me old Tommy "Gun" Savage is a 1st caliber gamer.
Get in now on the "Savage Garden" and wait for your profits to "bloom". I mean that Truly Madly Deeply: I'll be your guy I'll make the throws I'll be good in fantasy I'll be your captain I'll be your leader I'll be a Elite QB [chorus:] I want to stand real tall in the pocket I want to visit every team in the league I want to climb up evrey draft board And send a thank you card to Jaworski
STOCK DOWN ALERT *SIREN!!!!!!!!!* ALERT ALERT ALERT SELL YOUR STOCK IN TEDDY BRIDGEWATER
Youve heard of a bull market well this is a Teddy-Bear market folks. SELL SELL SELL!!! I had one NFL Scout tell me Teddys Pro Day was more like a Con Day. For a guy who looks liek he spends half the offseason on the dance floor of some rap club, hes got terrible footwork. Hes more concerned about what his shoe is going to look like at some party then whether or not its going to ever set foot in a NFL end zone. In the past month Teddy has fallen from the number 1 over all selection on some draft stock tickers to the second round folks. I call TEddy Bridgewater a real "Tom Petty" type QB- The rampant drug rumors and speculation that are probly out there tell me that he hasnt had his "Last Dance with Mary Jane" just yet and we can expect it to be a "Free Fall" on draft day. I would say hes injury prone but that would be too kind,, hes more like "A American Girl" doll then a China Doll folks.
SHORT YOUR STOCK IN JOHNNY MANZIEL
***Graphic were a Uncle Sam with a Jackhammer comes out and starts cracking away at a Oil well until he strikes it rich and does the little "money sign" with his fingers***
NFL Mock Draft
Manziels going to drop a little bit but my sources tell me Manziels going to strike it rich in the Oil fields. No not Houston- I mean theres going to be some "Black Gold' in his future- thats right the Steelers are looking to make a move to bring Johnny in as a backup and let him learn under the mentorship and mature tutelage of Big Ben, the only NFL quarterback who parties more, cares less, and prays harder then Johnny Football himself. In Rothlisbergers case no ones ever called him "Ben Football" although that was the entire essay he wrote on his senior year career day.
Johnnys a shorter version of Big Ben which I actualy like since it will make it much easier for him to elude the authorities when the time comes. The only possible draw back to Johnny is that he spends to much time thinking about the ladys. He needs to get his head in the game instead of treating it like its a model airplane. This is really the only downside I see in his game, and just like Big Ben its kind've a gray area.
Pittsburg is basicaly the College Station of NFL cities where instead of sticking your face into a cows butt for sexual gratification you just do it 3 times a day at Golden Corral because your hungry. Johnny should really fit well into the only other culture on Earth that makes Houston look healthy in compariosn. No offense obvously intended to anyone who has ever willingly lived in College Station Texas that knows how to use a computer and hasnt lost there computer privalges for throwing bags of their own urine at the warden yet.
DEREK CARR- EXCERCISE OPTIONS EXCERCISE OPTIONS
Derek Carrs more athletic then David Carr but then again so is the most recent dead pope no offence. Derek Carrs a real weirdo folks hes a straight white guy whose married and went to college for 4 years I just dont see him fitting in with a NFL locker room. He might be more of a owner type or a GM type not to be racist against him, but I could see him working out if he gets put in the right situaton like maybe out in San Diego and give him some time to learn how to Be A Pro with Weddle Rivers and Woodhead. If he ends up in a place like NYJ hes going to be spending more time cosigning on car loans then actualy getting any meaningful reps in (not in a racist way.)
BLAKE BORTLES- DO WHATEVER EDDIE MURPHY DID AT THE END OF TRADING PLACES
I cant get a read on this guy but the last time something from Central Florida was this big a deal was when it was frozen orange juice futures. Kind of a red flag that the last time you saw someone lying about what happens when you "Freeze OJ" the report was called "If I Did It." Somthing tells me that the Jaguars delivered a fake crop report on how good Bortles is going to be to the Texas and Browns so that they can take there pick of Teddy Tommy or Johnny. Bortles is a big mess of a QB and compares to every NFL QB of all time that you would not want starting for your football team. Even though the NFL is a concentration league I dont think hes got the juice to get you there folks.