Barack Obama's White House speech to the Seattle Seahawks

The following is a partial excerpt from SB Nation contributor PFT Commenter's upcoming e-book, "Goodell vs. Obama: The Battle for the Future of the NFL," an unrealistic fiction available for download in the Amazon Kindle store beginning Tuesday, May 27th.

President Barack Obama is welcoming the Super Bowl champion Seattle Seahawks to the White House. The trip is coming on the heels of the untimely death of Dallas Cowboys' owner Jerry Jones. Mr. Jones' passed away during a certain male enhancement surgery has put the Cowboys franchise in limbo. President Barack Obama is attempting to complete a government-led takeover of "America's Team." How will Goodell respond to having one of his most important franchises taken over by a President? You'll have to buy the book to find out what happens when Goodell and Obama go head-to-head in an all-out brawl for the future of the NFL.

INT WHITE HOUSE-

Barack Obama is preparing to congratulate the Seattle Seahawks during their trip to the White House. In a somewhat unusual twist, the Seahawks' ceremony will also serve as Jerry Jones' funeral which will be the closest Jones has come to a Lombardi winner in quite some time. Joe Biden has just informed Barack Obama that according to Texas state law, he stands to inherit the Dallas Cowboys.

Obama: Thats fantastic news.

Biden: It is. But with great power comes great responsibly. Speaking of which you are meeting with the Seattle Seahawks to congratulate them on winning the Superbowl. Ive also arranged to have Jerry Joneses memorial service in the rose garden during the cerimony at the same time.

Obama: Do I have to? I mean. Lets be clear here. Irregardless of me pretending to like the Seahawks, my poll numbers are going to be pretty strong in Seattle. As long as I dont shut down "Microsoft" which ironicaly is the nickname I gave to Jerry Joneses dick, things should be fine for me out there.

Biden: No Mr. President you need to meet with the Seahawks and euligize Mr. Jones. Ive got your speech written up right here,, its full of winners and big time zingers! Dont worry I’ll get your beloved teleprompter all set up.

CUT TO- OBAMA IN THE ROSE GARDEN

(Illustration by Draw Play Dave)

Obama: Wow folks Im so thrilled to be here. Not just as the President of the United States congratulating the Seattle Football Club on completeing a Superbowl, but also to remember the life of a job creator Mr. Jerry Jones. Jerry its a shame your dick had to explode and leave you bleeding out of it for half a day, but its probly the most dignified thing youve ever done.

Folks, we all remember Jerry for spending $1.3 Billion on Cowboys stadium. The way he was able to spend so much money on infastructure and achieve such poor results was so impressive, in fact I use to tell him that Id hire him in a second if he ever wanted to try his hand at building HealthCare.gov.

Jerry God bless you. Its truly a honor for me to aquire the Cowboys, Ive made a practice of the government absorbing private enterprises as you know. Speaking of private, I guess the only thing here that wasnt "To Big to fail" was your dick. Just kidding Jerry.

Its not just a solemn occaision though folks. Were also here to celebrate a great team winning the championship. Gotta give it it up for Seattle. Let’s be clear, CenturyLink is the hardest place in the world to play. You know I had a idea for an 80,000 person stadium that would make life hell for my opponets,, I just called ‘em FEMA camps though.

No kiddin’ though. You guys play in the loudest stadium in the league. I mean Ive sat in some loud bleachers before but that was just watchin "Kings of Comedy" down in Ancostia no offense.

Seattles a great town, it is. Thanks for the votes. You know in Seattle you have to seperate your trash from your compost- and with that kind of experience, some of your garbage men would be right at home as General Manger of our Washington Redskins.

Russ Wilsons here too. Me and you got alot in common here. Hell Russ, if it werent for my Christmas letter and your trading cards, the entire city of Seattle would of never had a Black guy in there house.

Im not sayin Seattles racist now. Im saying Seattles like if Mississippi ever learned what a fruit was, took a bite of a apple, and began to understand the emotion of shame.

Wow folks talk about being humbeled,, Superbowl MVP Malcom Smith is here. Malcom, you got interrupted by a lunatic screaming about 9/11 conspiracys halfway through your big post-game press conference- reminded me of when I have the Reverend Jeremiah Wright over for dinner.

Nothing against Malcom but I personally thought Kam should of won the MVP. Come on over here Kam and let me get a picture with you. Its kind’ve a rule that whenever Im at a funeral Ive got to take a selfie with a Chancellor.

Speaking of Big Plays in the Superbowl, Percy Harvins here. Percy, Im glad you could handle the bright lights for a change. Percy the only preson whose used the "I have a headache" excuse more then you is Michelle.

Richard Shermans here folks. Wow great to see you Richard. You know, me and Rich have alot in common were both Shutdown guys only one of us shuts down a wide receiver and the other shuts down WW2 memorials.

So if I could be serious here for a second. Id like to announce that Im acquiring the Dallas Cowboys and going to be considering changing there name because Cowboys is offensive to everyone whose not a male, and cow is offensive to Michelle. Shes got a bigger arm then Tony Romo. God bless you all and God Bless America.

Goodell is sitting on his hands practicaly.This was quite a display of arrogance and spits literally in the face of everything that makes America and the NFL great. Obamas tenure owning the Cowboys would be a disaster. Something has to be done.

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PFT Commenter's forthcoming unrealistic fiction book, "Goodell vs. Obama: The Battle for the Future of the NFL," an will be available for download in the Amazon Kindle store beginning Tuesday, May 27th.