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Wellcome to the Monday Morning BM,, just a word of warning your probably not prepared to handle the strong football takes and barrelfire NFL truths that you never knew your Mondays were missing. This column is written for and by a REAL fan of the NFL. Its designed to be read on your Monday Morning commode break after a long Sunday eating bad-for-you food and drinking beers. If you care more about SPELLING then you do about TELLING theres the door because this columns not for you.
Cousins replaces Brother
Funny how it took a traditonal pocket passer to put the Redskins back in the running. In todays edition of "no shit weekly" it has been confirmed that Kirk Cousin's is a great Elite quarterback who was basically engineered to run Jay Grudens potent Dalton-Coast offense, which is all but a nail in the coffin of the read option offense. Having a QB whose able to run the ball with olympian speed is a distraction from a cleancut passing attack whose limits are unknown.
Nothing against Abraham Lincoln but starting this American Cousins should of been as plain as a hole in the head- now thats a play that everyone would enjoy. More on Cousins later but this is the feel good story of the weekend for a league that desprately needed one.
This has pretty much been the worse week in NFL history besides every ProBowl week. It was bookended by assault alegations against two of its more popular players from 2011. The NFL was desprate to make the controversy go away any way it could. NFL fans were begining to question why they loved this game in a way theyd never done before except when Terrell Owens did too many touchdown dances.
Well Ive got some good news for the NFL: Injurys are back!
Within the span of like 8 hours we saw IR-G3, Pay J Green, Noskill Moreno, Gerald McCoy, and Jamal Charles all get either hurt or injured but the biggest news was the injury to Ryan Mathews opening the door for Danny Woodhead and Kirk Cousins to reclaim starting positions.
This led Skip Bayless and numerous other pundits to refer to him as "Ryan Matthews" but thats a incorrect spelling of his name. People forget that theres only one T in Mathews last name because Kermit is sipping the other T:
The league that was in so much trouble just a few hours before had rightfully reclaimed its positon atop the American sports landscape as it left a trail of its own selfish players either faking, or being seriously injured in its wake. I wasnt watching the redzone channel folks,, I was watching the RedCross channel!
On to the awards!!!
Road Grading Lunchpail Fella of the week: Kirk Cousins
A little factoidish nugget is that Kirk Cousins changed his jersey in the offseason. We all knew he was a bluecollar guy who didnt mind putting in overtime, but now Im going to start calling Cousins "The Graveyard Shift" because he went from 12-8.
Lets be honest this isnt the first time that a NFL QB has gotten sloppy second's on a 8 that was draped all over Rex Grossman, but it is the first time that they didnt get chlamydia from it.
I feel like I need to address the honorable mention here because this award could of gone one of two ways- last weeks winner JJ Watt put up a nother amazing week and even scored a Mike Vrabel-like TD but it was against the Raiders so technically it was a bye week and he is ineligble for any awards. Watt didnt even show off by spiking his TD catch or anything,, he tossed the ball to the ref and got ready to go to work on D.
Fan of the week: The Guy whose using GoFundMe to raise money to buy a NFL team just so he can hire Tim Tebow as the QB
First of all I like this guys dedicaton. Second- his GoFundMe is only for $500 million dollars so I guess hes planning on buying the Titans? There are several different donation levels and the highest level (he named it the "Elite" level of course) is $10,000 so he only needs 50,000 people to give ten grand and he'll make it.
The Joe Flacco Elite-O-Meter
It has been my contenton that Joe Flacco is whats known as Baldingers Cat- both Elite and Not Elite at the same time. Each week MMBM will track Joe Flaccos performence in order to determine once and for all the answer to the unanserable NFL debate: Is Joe Flacco a Elite NFL quarterback?
This was a banner week for media finally adressing whether or not Joe Flacco is a Elite Qauterback. Just check out CBS' Thursday night pregame show with Linebacker/possible Juggalo Bart Scott (CANT WAIT (Bart Scott voice)):
h/t to @HailSnyder for that video and the RG3/Cousins photoart up above
You talk about damning with faint praise folks,, hes "more Elite then Matt Ryan" - Ryans a guy whose never won a playoff game much less a superbowl. Technicaly Im more elite then Matt Ryan. The guys nicknamed after the cheapest beer in the world meanwhile Flaccos a fine Italian Red:
Take all this into account and mix in a bigtime Ravens win against Ben Roethlisberger and Joe Flaccos rating comes in at "semi-elite."
10 things I know I know:
- The wussifcation of America continues with Tampa Bay delaying there game because of a little lightning storm. You think Greg Schiano would cancel a game do to a little rain? This is what you get for hiring a coach named Lovie, I want a coach named Toughie. Im just suprised they didnt all get to go out to Fuddruckers after the game for trying their best.
- The NFL should flex commercals out of prime time if there not for beer, other football games, or Cialis. Im a football fan I dont care about RG3 advertising for 12 inches of useless flesh when he cant even keep his own foot attached to his body.
- San Franciscos new stadium looks like a wonderful place to hang around other people who pretend to care about football while there setting up there Mint app for the next 6 months.
- It was a big day for the Browns and Bengals usually no one cares whose winning in Ohio until the first week of November folks.
- Eli Manning only throwing two interceptions really took him out of his rhythym against the Cardnals.
- Marc Trestman looks like hes had more then one sitdown with Brian Williams and carrys around a sixer of Mikes Hard Lemonade and condoms.
- Subway freshtake of the week:
- Alot of people who didnt like getting hit as a child are ok with it now that there no longer a child whose getting hit.
- Its a doublestandard that Colin Kaepernick is aloud to say the N-Word but Riley Coopers not. Just because Rapperlip is on a misson to have as many tattoos as Tupac dosent mean hes aloud to quote half his b-sides after throwing a pick.
- Peter King is a idiot.
- Players shoud be allowed to shake off a concussion and return to action if they agree to sign a waiver saying that they werent that smart to begin with. I pay to see superstars not to watch superwimps see stars.
- RG3 now has a "dislocated" ankle to go with his passes. Last time I checked you dont throw the ball with your ankle- thats called punting and its not real football.
- I hadnt seen Sammy Watkins defended so badly since his run of court assigned attorneys he burned through in Clemson folks.
Ironic that RG3 is advertiseing subs after he just had his job taken by one— PFTCommenter (@PFTCommenter) September 15, 2014
Heres some cool fanart from Pete Bishop who agrees that JJ Watt look's like a bully from a MxPx album cover:
Monday Night Predictions:
Its a battle of Chip verse Chuck and Im going to go with the guy whose offense isnt comprised of telling his players what play to run by holding up posterboards that look like Tigerbeat magazine. The Colts have allways been ones to use strange motivatonal tricks and now that Jim Irsay was racially profiled for being a billionaire with a sack of cash, fistfull of Oxy, and his car driving 7 mph on a median, I expect Andrew Luck to come out and win one for his embattled owner.
What to look for next week:
Denver Bongcos verse Sedible Seahawks
Thats right we've got a matchup of the Super "Bowl" allready (Get it?). Seattles looking to rebound after going 0-1 against the Broncos this season incuding the preseason. Peyton Manning would rather have his recevers dropping meth and molly then dropping passes against the Legion of Choom,, and he'll need Wes Welker White to Break Bad all over the Seahawks secondary.
One things for sure when these two teams get together- there fans are more concerned with diagraming there pregame strategy to read puff puff pass then run run pass. (Get it?)
Have a great week folks and as allways email me at email@example.com with feedback,, strongtakes, and if your a babe with nudes not to be disrespectful.