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Kam Chancellor is a bad man

The Seattle defensive back destroyed the Carolina Panthers and it's time we take a stand against his indecency.

For a league that's really stringent about everything from drug use to touchdown celebrations, the NFL doesn't seem to have a problem with letting a created player play for the Seahawks. Kam Chancellor is 6'3 and 230 pounds, runs by threatening the ground to propel him forward and sends receivers into an existential crisis after every hit. But sure, if the NFL has no problem with allowing androids to play strong safety, I guess that's cool. I mean, all he did was hurdle the Panthers O-line and nearly block a field goal.

His feet don't touch the any players because halfway through that jump, he ascended into a higher plane of existence. He's now the divine Kam Chancellor. He ran into that jump the same way a DeLorean by a mad scientist goes back into the past. That's not the same Kam Chancellor who jumped and disrupted the kicker. He went back in time, found that kicker's great grandfather in a soccer field somewhere and destroyed him before coming back to put fear into his great grandson. They don't mention Kam's name in that kicker's household the same way Hogwarts schoolchildren don't say Voldemort.

At this point, I'm sure Kam was only picked in the fifth round because that's how long it takes to build up courage to acknowledge him. The Seahawks didn't start him in his rookie season probably because they were just sliding all of his stats to 99 while removing any sign of mercy from his heart. They released him onto the poor fools of opposing teams like a Kraken. I mean, how do you compete with a super soldier who hops over the O-line cleanly to nearly block a kick and when the play gets called back because of a false start, he nearly does it again on the next try?

They keep saying he hit the kicker like the kicker shouldn't just be happy to be able to walk away from that alive. That's a near-death experience. The only flag that should be thrown after the play was a white one because clearly the game is cheating now. This is like when one of your friends just creates a super player in Madden and then gives them a "common" name to throw you off. Now you're wondering why your receivers are walking off injured after every play.

I mean, just look at him. he jumps over the offensive line and immediately explodes forward in an attempt to block the kick in the same motion. I'm sure if the NFL decides to test him, his test will be invalid because he's powered by lithium-ion and nightmares. No way Kam doesn't go to sleep listening to the soothing sounds of cracking bones and cries of receivers and running backs. His nickname is literally "Bam Bam Kam." The only other Bam Bam was the adopted cave-child of Barney and Betty Rubble who carried around an enormous club and was known for his superhuman strength. That's who he was nicknamed after. A kid who scared dinosaurs with his inhumane power. How is that fair?

His name at this point is a threat in itself. Just walk up to your worst enemy and yell Kam Chancellor at them and it's all like: "Whoa, whoa, man. I know we hate each other, but I wouldn't even wish that on you. Too far, man."

You say his name three times in the mirror and a random receiver breaks his collarbone. One of these days he's going to become a measuring unit for how much pain is inflicted on something. A semi truck totals a Smart car at 80 mph and science teachers are going to ask how many Kam Chancellors of impact it delivered. The answer is two. A semi truck smashing a Smart car is only two Kam Chancellors.

He spent the whole game just delivering life lessons to every Panther in his vicinity. The ones that tried to hide were caught, dragged into the public eye and destroyed. If you told me that Kam Chancellor was picking up blitzes at running back, I'd have no reason to not believe you. And after he spent all games baptizing receivers who didn't even like football anymore, he did this:

That's just wrong man. You can just see the light in Cam Newton's eyes dim as he saw who picked it off. No one even tries that hard to catch him because they know Kam would stop, bulldoze them and then run into the end zone. He's the apex predator here, everyone else is the prey. There's a picture of Marshawn Lynch grabbing his crotch as Kam returned that pick and that's pretty much the embodiment of Kam Chancellor's whole style of play. he just goes on the field, grabs his crotch and the opponents have to respect it. If you even try to ask the refs to throw a flag on him, they'd probably reply "Why don't YOU throw it, huh? Yeah, like I thought."

I'm all for football being a physical game but we have to start admitting that letting mutants from the X-Men into the game is too far. Some poor kid is working hard in the gym right now, not knowing that one day his family is going to watch him turned inside out by Kam Chancellor.

I don't want that. No one should. This man must be stopped.