We're required to remind you that these strong takes are SATIRE. Sorry, not sorry. All spelling errors are intentional, we think. -Ed.
Wellcome to the Monday Morning BM,, just a word of warning your probably not prepared to handle the strong football takes and barrelfire NFL truths that you never knew your Mondays were missing. This column is written for and by a REAL fan of the NFL. Its designed to be read on your Monday Morning commode break after a long Sunday eating bad-for-you food and drinking beers. If you care more about SPELLING then you do about TELLING theres the door because this columns not for you.
Saturday Night showed us what might of been the best game of playoff football in years. The Balitmore Ravens took there travelling sideshow of grit up into the teeth of a New England winter and nearly walked home with a victory on a winter march that would of made Dennis Quaid proud. Joe Flacco showed up in a big bad way, tossing 4 TDs and throwing for nearly 300 yards and firmly placing himself as the Elitest QB in the NFL.
But in retrospect, I wish the Ravens would have Balti-lessed. Its a common fact known around NFL circles that the last thing you want to do is get up by 14 points on Tom Brady because that just make's him angry and when hes angry he plays better. You get out to a lead against Tom Terriffic and before you know it he'll be throwing TDs to like a Swahili Rugby player that Belichick signed out of a Japanese prison the night before the game.
Brady plays his best football when other quaterbacks are playing better then him thats a fact. Its why he was able to edge out Tebow for the starting spot couple years back. In this case Flacco got baited into playing TOO well which forced Brady to step his game up, which made the Ravens loose which meant that ACTUALLY Joe Flacco was so Elite that he was no longer Elite. Or to put it another way:
"The arc of Joe Flacco is actualy a parabola bending towards (and possibly never reaching) Elite."
-Martin Luther King Jr. (R- Georgia)
No matter where you stand on the matter you have to admit its ironic that a guys whose face is in need of a Razor got waxed when he went to Gillette stadium.
Now on to the weekly awards:
Road Grader of the Week: Tomdanlian Bradelmandola
Watching the ball go from Brady to Edelman to Amendola was so cleancut, methodcal, and professonal it was like watching a loan get repackaged 3 times in the matter of about 4 seconds. Now normally Im not a fan of Gadget plays but when youve got these fellas running it its more like a craftsman play and boy did it throw a wrench into the plan's of the Ravens. Not only that but it cant be bad for marketing. The Pats have been positioning themselfs as the cool new team for milleneals by trademarking the fleek phrase "Do Your Job" to much fanfare, and the most common word to describe Amendolas career is without a doubt "hip". Now there throwing splash plays like its a video game and just having fun with it by setting the sports world on fire.
Whats amazing is how no one saw it coming. People forget that Edelman played QB in college- hes the pocket passer equivilent of Antwaan Randle-El who was a catch-first QB. Hes also on a much better team which is why I call him Antwaan Randle- W.
Fan of the Week: Helmet man
At first I coudnt tell if this was a Seahawk fan or if it was Wes Welker. Im serous folks how much bigger are we going to let that little tykes helmet get before we have to say something. Heres a idea- maybe people wouldnt get concussions if they didnt make there head appear like its 50% of your tacklable surface area. Thats like sharing a packed subway war with Niki Minaj and her getting pissed off when you dont give her your seat and end up using her left buttcheek as a pillow.
On the other hand this was the only helmet that could fit Jeff Bezos' head so he kind of had no choice but the wear it.
Joe Flacco Elite-O-Meter:
It has been my contenton that Joe Flacco is whats known as Baldingers Cat- both Elite and Not Elite at the same time. Each week MMBM will track Joe Flaccos performence in order to determine once and for all the answer to the unanserable NFL debate: Is Joe Flacco a Elite NFL quarterback?
For reasons Ive explained above, this was the most Joe Flacco week of all time. Until the 3rd quater, old "Browed-way Joe" was outdueling Tom Brady and Flacco was quite literally on fire. Then He cooled off just a little bit and threw a bad pick that sealed the game for the Pats. In the span of an hour, Flacco went from "most Elite quaterback of all time" to "absolute stinkhouse." So its with no great joy that we trudge into the offseason with a Flaccometer reading of:
Is Joe Flacco Elite?
10 Things I Know I Know:
1. Saw alot of reverse racism out there with all the announcers mixing up Edelman, Amendola, Welker, Beasley, Nelson, Luke Wilson, Campanero, Juszczyk, and Bersin. Just absolute lack of professonalism coming from the normally respectable guys like John Lynch and Joe Buck. The most egergous of these mixups was when they accused Edelman of turning the ball over. First of all- it wasnt Edelman it was Amendola- secondly, a Edelman fumble its actualy not called a turnover its called a babka.
2. Speaking of reverse racism, anyone out there suprised that a team with a Black Panther as a logo would have a kicker named Graham Gano- whose name literaly translates to "I win, cracker."
3. If theres one thing we know from Dezs court history its that whenever he gets accused of having possesion it will get overturned.
Say what you want about Jeff Ireland and his unorthodox lines of questoning, but you have to admit he saved himself a headache by recognizing Bryants lack of mom discipline. Youd rather miss the playoffs every year and get fired in disgrace then deal with a headcase like Bryant fumbling away a first and goal at the 1 in the playoffs all because he wanted to play superhero. Memo to WRs- Your job is NOT to score touchdowns- its to catch the ball where you catch it.
If Dez Bryant had just made a football act instead of reaching out his arm and trying to score a Touchdown to win the football game ,we woudnt even be having this conversaton folks.
4. The clocks at Lambeau feild run exactly 15 minutes fast which is probly why Tony Romo didnt show up in the 4th quater
5. Pundit of the week goes once again to Skip Bayless. After his old Luck/RG3 take started to recirculate he doubled down on his hatrered for Andrew Luck. Love that.
I'll say it AGAIN: Give me RG3 over Luck - any day, any night, any year, any career.
— Skip Bayless (@RealSkipBayless) October 15, 2012
AGAIN: Irsay made big mistake dumping Peyton for Luck. Peyton has had 3 straight better seasons. 7-pt home fave today. Indy played better.
— Skip Bayless (@RealSkipBayless) January 12, 2015
Also he had this good take:
Is it possible that, subconsciously, the Broncos wanted no part of Seattle in another Super Bowl?
— Skip Bayless (@RealSkipBayless) January 12, 2015
And then Skip showed that he is nothing if not consistent.
6. Got to allmost admire how devious Cam Newton is,, he takes his team on a 80 yd drive, and when he runs out of field to rack up stats on, he just throws a pick 6 so hes got a fresh set of yards to go out there and accumulate without losing any clock time. The mans such a thief he makes Riverboat Rons offense look more like Oceans 11.
7. Russell Wilson is actually deceptiveley slow. His tiny little feet scoot around so quick that he looks like Mike Vick back there but in realty hes not gaining any ground. Thats why you see players tackling Wilson by diving 3 or 4 yards in front of him. Its a optical allusion.
8. The only thing a PREVENT defense does is PREVENT me from respecting you
9. Alot of jokesters out there were making Luke Wilson/Old School jokes after Wilson scored his 4th quarter TD for the Seahawks. Thats very good joke I admit, because you see Luke Wilson is the name of the TE for Seattle and also the exact same name as the actor Luke Wilson- same name. But whats a really interesting connection (and possible conspiracy being perpetrated by Pete Carroll) is that Luke Wilson the actor is going to be playing Roger Goodell in the upcoming Hollywood movie about the concussion issue. So while you were all fiddling while Rome burns, Im remaining vigilant to try and stop the unsurping of the best commissioner in League history.
10. Josh Norman went to his barber and literaly said "Give me the 'bald/tire'".
11. Peyton Manning felt sorry for himself and leaked word to the press that hes been playing with a serous leg injury for the passed month. Big deal. Manning could learn alot from the Universty of Colorado who actively tries to keep it OUT of the news when there Quad gets torn up every year on 4/20.
12. Stat of the week= Russell Wilson fumbled the ball 12 times this year but never lost one. That tells me one thing- he fumbles like a p*$$y. Say what you want about Robert Griffin and his overall abilty, but at least when he fumbles his body looks like a little mini IED that explodes the ball no less then 7 yards away from his person. Russell Wilson fumbles like hes dropping a apple. I'll take a coupele of turnovers here and there son if it means I can see that you grip that ball with some PASSION. Probly why he cant hold on to a woman either not to be offensive.
13. Its a unwritten rule that every time a announcer makes a reference to Mike Tolbert, Rob Gronkowski, or LerBron Jameses size, you have to add 10 lbs to the last time you made a reference to him and if you dnot do this you get assigned to hanging out with Kenny Albert.
This Week In
Darren Rovell Rick Reilly: Have to take my hat off to the king
It all started when both me and Rick Reilly and I took notice of Peyton Mannings stunting lack of accuracy on his downfield targets. Im not kidding folks, Manning sucked so hard on those balls he was more of a deep throat then a deep threat.
And then this happen:
— PFTCommenter (@PFTCommenter) January 11, 2015
Reilly stole what in all honestly was a D+ take on my part. I made a ISIS take, and a subscriber called me out (quite rightly) on it soudning like a Rick Reilly. I allways apprecate constructive criticism as long as you remember that theres a door if you dont like it. The person tagged Reilly in this comment which managed to get him to pull his head out of the Orthodonists Desktop Thesaurus for a long enoug time to reword the take and tweet it- earning him literaly millions of dollars worth of coveted Klout perks. But thats fine- its a free market world and I have to admit he got the best of me even though I had it first on twitter.
Reader MailPail: Cowboys playcalling and Rob Konrad goes for a dip
From reader Pete:
4th and 2 is litreally the grittest down in pro football. Yet the coboyws ignore their grittiest player clean Cole besly and instead throw to dez Bryant who of coarse drops the ball. This is ironic because dez Bryant is literaly a walking EPA violation from all the weed he smoekes which is why the cowboys deserve too loose
Makes a great point- just because oils so cheap dosent mean you should completly neglect Coal.
By now youve all heard about former Miami Dolphin Fullback Rob Konrad who managed to swim 9 miles to shore off the coast of Florida after his boat capsized (no offense to Peyton Manning) in the Atlantic Ocean.
People have been saying for years that Fullbacks are disappearing out of the game so its really no suprise that Konrad was able to prevail against the current tide. He made it to shore in about 9 hours and Konrad- allways one to play it cool- only suffered from hypothermia- literally had ice water in his veins folks.
As valued reader C. Patrick put it:
One hell of a FB dive.