We're required to remind you that these strong takes are SATIRE. Sorry, not sorry. All spelling errors are intentional, we think. -Ed.
Wellcome to the Monday Morning BM,, just a word of warning your probably not prepared to handle the strong football takes and barrelfire NFL truths that you never knew your Mondays were missing. This column is written for and by a REAL fan of the NFL. Its designed to be read on your Monday Morning commode break after a long Sunday eating bad-for-you food and drinking beers. If you care more about SPELLING then you do about TELLING theres the door because this columns not for you.
Well folks it looks like Superbowl XLIX is going to be a matchup of who can bend the rules the most without getting caught. Im not kidding when I say both of these coaches are so full of shit this is more like Superbowl XLAX then XLIX. On one side youve got Cheat Carrol and on the other its Bill Belicheat. Basicaly the game is going to resemble Calvinball more then Football folks with both sides disgustingley exploiting more loopholes then David Carradine.
Yesterday we saw two glaring cases of unsporting behavior. First in Seattle you can see the obvously unfair advantage they got by building a stadium outside. It turns the Seahawks field into basically a giant rainy birdbath that traps all the annoying yelling by Seattles 12th man. I have some fun with it and say the only sound Id like to see redirected back into CenturyLink field is the Puget sound folks. They also had the nerve to fake a Field Goal , even though Mike McCarthy had gone out of his way to kick REAL field goals earlier. Just disgusting display of behavior in the early game.
Then New England got caught redhanded in the night game by deflating the footballs which I think is actually not so bad of a crime. So the Pats used underinflated balls, big deal. Maybe if the Colts werent sucking so much every time they got their hands on the ball thered be more air left in it. Hey free idea for the Colts- maybe if you didnt have a owner who thinks every inflatable object within his eyesite is a whippet thered of been plenty of air to go around- just a thought.
Obvously if the balls were underinflated that would of been a advantage to the rocket-armed Tom Brady. According to ProFootballTalk, some of the balls were doctored and removed from the game which is ironic because I know another guy who had a ball removed and was accused of cheating, but just like Brady it turned out the only crime he committed was being Arm-strong.
This is classic Belicheck trickery but it is also uncharateristicaly sloppy. It dosent matter if the gameballs rated in at below the 12 lb NFL standard- If they were truly concerned about preparing for the Seahawks they would of played with a overrated Wilson.
Now on to the weekly awards:
Road Grader of the Week: Nate Solder
If anything the Pats balls were too big. They threw a GodDamn 15 yd touchdown pass to there Left Tackle and hung a Colt 45 on Indianapolis.
Fitting that a guy whose name literaly translates to "Born to make electrifying connections" made the touchdown catch of the year. Between two guys name solder and watt I guess you could say that this Current generaton of TE is certainly Powerfull and Grounded. However if it comes to Nate and JJ- Solder is better. Hes is a YAC attack machine who would rather run someone over then catch a pass and demand the play immedately be blown and awarded 6 points like Watt. Watts specializes in making TD catches on plays where it would actually be illegal for any one to touch him. With Solder its like he dosent even want credit for the catch unless he gets to hit somebody in there mouth and I love that attitude.
Fan of the Week: The Spirit of MLK lives on
What better to emboy the spirit of civil rights then a White guy who looks EXACTLY like Marshawn Lynch?
1. Hes drunk
2. Hes wearing New Balances- literaly the gold standard for white people footwear
3. Obvously dosent skip leg day
This guys a legit 12 and so is his BAC folks. Unfortunateley the Seattle Seimoslogy team didnt get the message that its MLK day, so while fans can look and see that the "real" Marshawn Lynch caused a Earthquake during his TD run, theres no data on what the richter scale read even though this guy clearly pounding After Shock.
(Photo credit: Tom Pennington, Getty Images, spotted on Twitter by Eric Kay)
Joe Flacco Elite-O-Meter:
It has been my contenton that Joe Flacco is whats known as Baldingers Cat- both Elite and Not Elite at the same time. Each week MMBM will track Joe Flaccos performence in order to determine once and for all the answer to the unanserable NFL debate: Is Joe Flacco a Elite NFL quarterback?
Joe Flac30 had a big 30th birthday this week and celebrated in style on Sunday night. If the NFL were run like the BCS, the Ravens would of qualified for the Superbowl due to the Pats whooping the Colts so bad. The lopsided result makes the Ravens close loss last week look incredibley good by comparison- better even then the Patriots win. Due to their higher number of quality losses Baltimore would of leapfrogged New England into the Superbowl and the NFL BCS standings would of looked like this:
2. Cowboys (Beat the Seahawks, lost to the Packers who technicaly should of beat the Seahawks)
So even though the Ravens didnt play, Joe Flacco and the Ravens actualy got better. Its the classic Tom Savage condundrum where he climbed up the draft board in the spring of last year- only a truly Elite QB could improve without playing a down and thats exactley what Flacco is.
This week's rating is: Elite
10 Things I Know I Know:
1. Coward of the century award goes to Mike McCarthy. Even thoug hes got a name that sounds like he should be singing for the Dropkick Murphys he looked more like he was Coaching the Green Day Packers-opting for a 3 piece over a 7 piece when they had the opportunty to score. Matter fact I call him Joe McCarthy because he gets scared any time he thinks hes inside the red zone.
2. Absolutley LOVE the British Aaron Rogers commercals and hope they continue it with a nude Prince George playing the part of English doppelganger Brett Farve.
3. Richard Sherman wearing a full ski mask made him look more like he was about to pick off a convenence store worker then Aaron Rodgers. I guess I remember a day when CBs looked more like Johnny Cage then Subzero but I guess Im just old fashion.
4. Even though the Ducks might of lost the College Championship they've still got LeGarrette Blount. Just the sheer fact that hes only been cut by 3 NFL teams means hes the most successful Oregon alumni to ever play in the NFL.
5. Morgan Burnett was the real goat for the Packers. On a late 4th quater INT of Russell Wilson, the Packers DB took 4 or 5 steps and then slid to a knee to try and ice the game instead of trying to return it for a TD. It was a truly gutless play that probably costed the Packers the game. Burnett should of taken a knee IMMEDIATELEY when he intercepted the ball. The three or four steps took him to the far hashtag put the Pack playing from the left side of the field and took away Jordy Nelson entirely. Then they had to punt from basically there own sideline with a right footed kicker and well as they say the rest is history.
6. Gary Kubiak is taking the Broncoes job literaly a stroke of genius. Serously though between John Fox and Gary Kubiak maybe Denver should think about hiring a head coach whose cardiovascular system isnt more dinged up then there offensive line.
7. Looks like Lebrons hairline is really cramping Tom Bradys style
Hey guys in my timeline who think Tom Brady is so hot. calm down. he wears hair plugs- these pics were like 6 yrs ago pic.twitter.com/8J3DpkKjSv— nygrlnla (@nygrlnla) January 19, 2015
8. What does the Patriot way do folks? Well it seperates the Edelmen from the littleboys:
"I guess it means (that) you bring the lunch pail to work, the helmet," Edelman explained.
Couldnt of said it better myself.
9. Lane Kiffin might be making his way out to San Francisco to coordinate the 49ers "offense" which to be fair is just Colin Kapernick throwing the ball as hard as he can while reading instantgram comments.
11. I'll never understand why McCarthy kicked those Field Goals. Youve got 2 feet to the goal line and you DONT use John Kuhn? This is a man whose been averaging .666 YPC since the day he crawled the longest yard out of his moms uterus totin' his placenta like a lil lunchpail.
10. Fan of the week runner up- always be prepared folks you never know when your gonna get that call:
This Week In Darren Rovell:
John Fox wearing tie w/Broncos orange. Bears orange is behind him. Broncos (Pantone 1655C) vs Bears (Pantone 1665C) pic.twitter.com/Q0eNvMcCTz— Darren Rovell (@darrenrovell) January 19, 2015
As RavishingRob pointed out- You know who led a revoluton against those who would discriminate against folks just because they were a few shades darker then them? Martin Luther King maybe you heard of him.
Reader MailPail: Veterans Combine
From reader Mause-
FYI the NFL is having open tryouts, you can sign up here but i already filled out you're application
Mailpail 2: Is God reverse racist?
The other is "Out of the League," "Calling low level SEC games," and a "virgin."One player is "Clutch," a natural "Field General," and a "leader of men."Player B? (in)DANGER(Player A? That's write folks, Timothy Tebow.Player B: 14/29 209 Yards 48% 1 TD 4ints 44.3 Passer Rating 13.6 QBR, 25 rushing yards 1 TD - Game Winning Playoff TD Pass in OTHoep your sitting down four this one:Player A: 10/21 316 Yards 47.6% 2TDs 0ints 125.6 Passer Rating 97.7 QBR, 50 rushing yards 1 TD - Game Winning Playoff TD Pass in OT
oflosinghisjobtoTavarisJackson ) Russell Wilson
No offence but sounds to me liek God is reverse racist. After all, both these men thanked God in VICTORY AND DEFEAT, the way to do it imo... Meanwhile, Tebow never got credit for being clutch, "just winning baby" or remaining chaste until marriage. Example #2,301983 of America's Current War on CHRISTianity.
From "Men's League Guy"
This is a great point, God has been getting soft recentley. Hes becoming a me-first Lord- people are starting to forget that his names not "I"ehova its JesUS. Now that God has joined the war against Christians its time we made a stand and our nation turns its lonely eyes to New England.
Remember a couple years ago when he cut Tiquan Underwoods ass the night before the Superbowl just so he could bring on a guy who didnt play? Well I think Wild Bill might have a similar situaton in store. My sources are telling me he is considering dropping Jonas Gray and adding Tebow to the active roster just in time for the big game to get old Timmy a ring, lord willing. Im a die-heart Christian but even I have to know when God is getting just a little too PC and reign him in a little bit, and were way passed that point. So while Gods been spending his time recently moving Michael Sam around on Earth like a little progressive chesspiece, Belichick is wrist-deep in his playbook studying scripture- I go to Jesus for my Sunday takes February to September,, but the fact is its football season and heaven help me for saying this but Christ almighty had a look-at-me martyr complex- probably the reason why he never won a superbowl.