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MMBM, Friday edition: The best week of football in history

The week's most important football colum

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We're required to remind you that these strong takes are SATIRE. Sorry, not sorry. All spelling errors are intentional, we think. -Ed.

Wellcome to the Monday FRIDAY Morning BM,, just a word of warning your probably not prepared to handle the strong football takes and barrelfire NFL truths that you never knew your Mondays Fridays were missing. This column is written for and by a REAL fan of the NFL. Its designed to be read on your Monday FRIDAY Morning commode break after a long Sunday week eating bad-for-you food and drinking beers. If you care more about SPELLING then you do about TELLING theres the door because this columns not for you.

This has been and will continue to be the best week of football in history of the world. Youve had bowl games all week and now wildcard playoff's all day tomorrow and Sunday. It seems like just yesterday I was writing a preview for the regular season and after 17 weeks of maintaining a BAC at or near .12 it allmost feels like it was one giant blur.

As great as the week has been I did see something that literally sickened me- it was the over abundants of helmet stickers in the college game. OSU and FSUs especially. You could hardly even see the team colors under all that big play grafitti. The helmets looked more like the underside of a bridge in disputed gang territory then a piece of safety equipment. Its like we're saying "Oh your a Wide Receiver who made a block? Thats great thanks for not NOT doing your job- heres a gold star" - and I think we all remember a certain Germen dictator who used to hand out gold stars left and right, people.

Also lets talk safety here: Why would you add stickers to your helmet if your so concern about concussions? You dont see doctors putting tiny little snakes and rods all over there defibrrullators for every time they trick a patient into getting a vaccine that literally has a mercury in it. Act like youve been there before. Next patient.

Also a brillant move by Ridell is to sneak in a rarely read warning on the helmets saying "any modificaton to this helmet, including putting tiny little participation trophys all over it will completely void your warranty and it absolves us from liability, idiots. But hey, enjoy bragging about doing your job."

Another big issue with college football is that there players are obviously not good at schools. They look just dumb as all hell on the sidelines staring up at the scoreboard like theyre stuck trying to figure out how much a 2 point converson is worth. If your a student athlete, every player on the sidelines should be holding a textbook to remind them of the real reason theyre at the Advocare100 JG Wentworth Ca$h Ca$h Ca$h game for our troops, sponsored by Halliburton.

The kids should be more focused on getting great job stickers for there homework then on there helmets. When I handle a cusotomers billing question without saying any of the 4 big swears I dont get a medal or a raise- I just go back to crusing craigslist for better jobs and watch partys while I move on to the next call.

Another great reason to completeley eliminate helmet stickers is the fact that there confusing the Tennessee State Highway Patrol:

The two were pulled over a few miles east of Memphis, along I-40, and were greeted by a pair of black SUVs containing officers wearing "body armor and guns," Jonas-Boggioni told Joe Blundo of The Columbus Dispatch.

"What are you doing with a marijuana sticker on your bumper?" one of the officers asked.

That led Jonas-Boggioni and her husband to explain the meaning of the Ohio State sticker, which is given as a reward to OSU players. To help the puzzled officers connect the dots, Boggioni stepped out of the car to show his 2002 national-championship sweatshirt, one "complete with a Buckeye leaf," Blundo wrote.

Chagrined, the officers excused the unwarranted stop by explaining that an officer in another jurisdiction had called in a report of the Boggionis' sticker — believing the older couple to be at the forefront of some sort of massive marijuana ring...

Before letting the pair off, officers told the couple that they should remove the Ohio State sticker from their car. "I said, 'You mean in Tennessee?" Jones-Boggioni said. "No, permanently," the officers replied.

(Thx to @Phins_Phan for passing this a long)

But now that the amature games are over its time for the REAL men to get out there. Ive heard way to much recently about how the NCAA is going to steal away audiences from the NFL but theres no chance that happens.

Theres alot of problems with college football number one is they dont serve beer at there games. If you host a football game where you dont serve beer thats like Rex Ryan hosting a swingers party where the guest list is just Leutentant Dan and Oscar Pistorious. Its so ridiculous seeing folks in the stands cheering for football without a beer in there hands that you allmost half expect to see fans at WVU games holding a cardboard cutout cheering on there own "D" "Tox" instead of D-fence.

Anyways lets move on to giving out awards and maybe we can even talk some Pro ball.

Road Grader of the Week: Kirk Cousins and Michigan State


RG3 was parading all along the sidelines in Dallas begging the TV cameras to focus on him and his personally branded hat,, meanwhile Captain Kirk was probably hosting a BBQ at a church with his wife giving all glory to god and Sparty. Griffin and Baylor started to celebrate to early (I guess all that hanging out with Desean Jacksons rubbing off) and they left the door open for one of Mark Dantionos trademark comebacks.

Its like theres no stopping RG3 on his quest to be come the biggest distracton of all time. Having Griffin on your sidelines is literally one big game of "I'm not touching you, I'm not touching you" while hes technicaly not physcially doing anything wrong outside of his terrible fundamentals, his mere presence is just unsettling.

Of course Griffins bronze bust graces the entrance to McLane stadium in Waco. Its ironic that Baylor would put up such a permamnent tribute to a player who still has his entire life ahead of him to do something to disgrace it. Or maybe its just there to remind us all that sometimes people peak early and thats ok- a real life Statue of Limitations.

Fan of the Week: Texas Man

I have some fun with it and say that if Texas realy cared about winning they should of made their five core values LT, LG, C, RG, and RT.

Joe Flacco Elite-O-Meter

Note: There will be no Joe Flacco Elite-O-Meter this week since right now Im focusing on the playoffs. All QBs are at the exact same level of Eliteness right now. There clean slates. So until Flacco proves one way or the other in crunch time- his ranking will remain at the prevous level of: Is Joe Flacco Elite?

If you need to read somthing about Flacco however heres this weeks artcile from titled "Joe Flacco has been Elite in the postseason" featureing this gem:

But here is a statement that can't be contradicted: Flacco has been elite in the playoffs. The passing numbers, the clutch performances and the wins back this up.

10 Things I Know I Know:

1. This was the SECs worse week of defeat since 1863.

2. Dallas verse Detroit. The Cowboys should of had the opportunity to defer home-field advantage IMO. Perhaps the biggest misstake of Jason Garrets career was winning there last game against Washington which forced them into playing at home. Detroit meanwhile is getting over the suspenson of Ndamukong Suh, whose suspenson was revoked one day after it was handed down. The Cowboys have there work cut out for them- since they just hosted a College game and they need to change the entire field into NFL turf. In other words  they need to roll up 10,000 square yards of grass in a matter of days, but its nothing that Dez Bryant coudnt handle if you gave him a mountain dew, bag of Takis, and a carton of Dutch Masters.

3. If Im Pete Carrol and Mike McCarthy I would try to set a fullcontact scrimmage up for this weekend. A bye week is a curse, since some of these guys players to dumb to remember which way to run on a kickoff if there not forced to do it every single week. Football is alot like sex- the longer you go without doing it you start to miss all sorts of new trends, and by the time your back in the game everyones pubic hair has dissppeared and the zone blitz is king again.

4. Steelers verse Ravens: Absolutley NO love lost between these two teams. Old School hit you-between-your-teeth padlevel working class football here. SCIENCE FACT: Gotta give credit where credit is due to Darwin- Terrel Suggs gums have done evolution and adapted to provide extra cushioning over the past 8 years because this matchup is so consistantly smash mouth.

5. Jimbo Fisher learned the hard way that trying to coach Jameis Winston on a hangover without Xanax is harder then it looks.

Its pretty clear that some of Janikowskis old people are still hanging around near the FSU program and providing whatever kind's of sedatives possible to players coming down of a bender. Somehow that connecton got screwed up at the worst possible time- new years day-and the result was Jameisn't Winston performing like a absolute spaz.

6. Close runner up for Fan of the Week was this guy, Ed Grant who was apparentley ringing in the New Year in style- by emailing his least favorite sports columnist:


7. Arizona verse Carolina. Cam Newton has been performng out've his mind since he got into that car accident driving AWAY from the team facilities. In fact, its a copycat league and Newtons been playing SO well since his wreck that Im told that numerous teams have inquired to the Dallas Cowboys to see about trading for Josh Brent as team chauffer.

Bruce Arians is a master motivator and Ron Riveras a gambler. Two great coaches with big swinging balls which is  a matchup destine for the bright lights of literally BOFA Stadium.

8. Cincinnatti verse Indianapolis. Marvin Lewis is a real "resolute" coach because he only lasts one week into the new year folks. Im not kidding I avoid the gym altogther until the Bengals lose a playoff game just to avoid all the new folks trying to learn what a treadmill is, or the type of people who give me looks when I duck tape the shipping ropes to by testicles and engage in core-burning hip thrusts for muscle confusion.

If the Bengals get serously blown out like i think they will, Paul Brown might fire Lewis, the must successful coach in history of the Bengals might get fired which would make SIX years in a row for Jason Campbell that his head coach gets fired. Campbells been a little too quite recently, thats how you can tell hes up to something.

9. I did a little sit down over at DEADspin because they didnt have anyone that knew anything about football to interview so they asked me some stuff. But there the PC police and cut out this bit of my history because, I dont know I guess it was too REAL for them-

Deadspin: Whats something that people might not know about your past?

PFTC: Not to be gross but I circumsized myself by putting my dicktip in to the hole in a football follys DVD and spinning the edge of it on a moving JUGS machine.

10. Kansas City gets the "Team of the century" award for not throwing a Touchdown pass to a WR all season and finishing with a winning record. Thats such a impressive feat its like eating at McDonalds every day and never getting fries not that Andy Reid would ever condone it, or like a newlywed couple that last there entire 1st year only doing butt stuff. Its so unconventonal that it worked.

This week in Darren Rovell:This week in Jim Rome:

Got. A.                   Huge guest.              Thast right.                                   guest                        hosting   for Darren Rovell this week will be Jim.                   Rome.           Huge.                                  Your in the jungle clones.

Jim Rome is one of my persnoal heroes growing up. He had takes for days and had that cool goatee that is a perfect mix of "plastic surgeon and 90s releif pitcher." Yesterday he had some very important things to say about the Ohio State Marching band:

Love the strentgh of his take. I knew I could count on Rome to take a stand for the rights off those of us every where who got kicked out of color guard for repeatedley asking how come theres no "WHITE guard." Guys like me and Romey just want to be able to talk trash to nerds without being labled worse then Adolph Hi- oh wait heres a Jim Rome Column from last year:

Lions center Dominic Raiola’s got quite a rap sheet: threatening to fight fans, middle fingering fans, and now – spitting hate at and verbally abusing the band.

Lions President Tom Lewand has apologized after Raiola reportedly directed gay slurs and profanity towards the Wisconsin Marching Band at Lambeau Field on Sunday.

C’mon Dom- picking on the BAND?? I’ve always known you were a bit of a bully. I didn’t know you were a HIGH SCHOOL bully.

Dom’s material sounds like everything you remember from the high school cafeteria, including calling the Tuba players "Fat BLEEPS"?"  Or maybe pull the Chess Club’s underpants over their heads?  I’ve always kind of liked Dom’s fire.  I admired how passionate he was about winning, despite doing so much losing. And I can understand times in the past when he’s gotten furious with his own fans. But Dom- What did the dudes with the flutes do to you? They’re just there to knock out Taking Care of Business and Wooly Bully- not get bullied nothing like trash talking and hate-speaching a bunch of college musicians, and then getting smoked by one of your rivals.

(Thx to @14teammocker for passing this a long)