We're required to remind you that these strong takes are SATIRE. Sorry, not sorry. All spelling errors are intentional, we think. -Ed.
Wellcome to the Monday Morning BM,, just a word of warning your probably not prepared to handle the strong football takes and barrelfire NFL truths that you never knew your Mondays were missing. This column is written for and by a REAL fan of the NFL. Its designed to be read on your Monday Morning commode break after a long Sunday eating bad-for-you food and drinking beers. If you care more about SPELLING then you do about TELLING theres the door because this columns not for you.
Will Josh Gordon ever get it? As a man whose intimatley familiar with our nations alcohol laws I can tell you with 100% certanty that Josh Gordon is looking like such a bust that alot of folks are starting to call him Ted Gin. The NFL does not tolerate alcohol abuse by any of its players or fans unless they can prove beyond a reasonable doubt that the mountains were in fact blue.
Now after the news broke my first thoughts were that obviously this is Robert Griffins fault. Griffin was Gordons teammate at Baylor and undoubtedly exposed him to the type of indiffrence and entitled attitude that would lead him down this path but Ive got news for you folks. Its also Johnny Manziels fault.
Over the course of the past couple years Ive become somewhat of a breaking news expert, breaking storys like Marc Trestman getting fired, and Terry Bradshaw making fun of Peyton Manning- you know- the important stuff. Well I got a hot tip on Saturday before the news came out that Gordon failed his alcohol test saying that partyboy Johnny Manziel was tossing back a few cold ones with none other then Mr Gordon himself.
The source said they saw Josh Gordon and Johnny Manziel at a "rave" in Austin, TX on Friday night- Manziel was sticking it to Mack Brown by hanging out a window and proving that the words Manziel, Austin, and Safety dont belong anywhere near each other, and Gordon was spraying beer on people down below- spilling beer? Now thats what I call alcohol abuse folks!!! To be honest, the source was still pretty intoxicated on mostlikely several different types of substances when he was discussing the video but- no one can deny this- it obviously looks exactly a little bit like Johnny Manziel and Josh Gordon leaning out of a window.
Multiple sources (random peoples twitter feeds) also indicate that Manziel was in Austin partying this weekend, and it has been reported that Gordon and Manziel were in Aspen together last week "hitting the slopes".
This could actualy be a good thing for Gordon- the video gives him plausble deniability since he is never shown actualy consuming alcohol. If anything it shows that he was taking the rules seriously and GETTING RID of all the alcohol in his possession so he wouldnt drink it. He could even make the case that he only tested postive due to second hand beer from just spilling some on his shirt or smelling Johnnys breath. Folks it allmost seems like the only thing Manziel cant enable is a comptetent offense if you ask me.
Now on to the weekly awards:
Road Grader of the Week: Tom Brady
You talk about a pro. Brady came out and gave the press conference of his life last Thursday. He made sure to let America know that "this isnt ISIS", which I had some fun with and pointed out that ISIS has been spending the last couple years pointing out that theyre just Patriots. Ordinarily saying that your not, in fact, ISIS wouldnt be considered a bold statement until you consider that Obama himself has never publically denied it. While all this balltalk is quite literaly a bunch of hot air, dont expect it to take Toms eyes off the ultimate prize. Brady going to have plenty of time in the offseason to deal with deflategate questions and believe me if you dont think he knows how to deal with 9 months of "distractions" just ask Bridget Moynahan and her son.
Fan of the Week: ProBowl Fan with a cannon
You cant quite make out who threw that pass but it was so strong and accurate I think we can safely rule out Ryan Lindley.
Joe Flacco Elite-O-Meter:
It has been my contenton that Joe Flacco is whats known as Baldingers Cat- both Elite and Not Elite at the same time. Each week MMBM will track Joe Flaccos performence in order to determine once and for all the answer to the unanserable NFL debate: Is Joe Flacco a Elite NFL quarterback?
Joe Flaccos wife gave birth to a little bay boy, making Joe the proud father of three but I have to queston Joes timing here. Counting back 9 months I have to wonder what was he doing having sex at all in April? He has a calendar and he can do the math, theres no excuse for him sneaking away to have a little spring fling with the wife when he should of been preoccupied with minicamp prep.
This brings me to my policy that I invented that if you want to be on a NFL roster next year you need to be preparing now, and part of that prep is to not have sex between the months of January and April. This is the stuff they should be teaching in the rookie symposeum instead of like how to open a checking account and stuff. Didnt Flacco have know that he might potentially be preparing for a Superbowl in January? For someone who spends most of his life staring directly at his furrowed eyebrow he sure dosent have alot of foresight folks.
Now I like to think that Joe would of done the right thing had the Ravens made it to Arizona and left his wife at home alone and told her to just squeeze that thing in until he brings home another ring but this was to close for my liking.
So if your a fan of the game, do your part to insure the highest quality of NFL play next year by constantly tweeting at your teams favorite players to make sure there not having sex with prostitutes or there wives or whatever, and remind them "if you get laid you wont get paid"- #NoSexTilMayday
This week's rating is: Not Elite
10 Things I Know I Know:
1. Color me shocked that Andy Dalton choked away the Probowl. He only made it because 6 other guys dropped out. He got in late in the game, and was such a useless 7th string I couldnt tell if I was watching the Pro Bowl or a Korn video. The irony is I bet Munkey and Head would be able to engineer a game winning drive better then Dalton who looked more like he was playing at the Con Bowl.
2. The Pro Bowl is the second most important NFL game of the league year (your next game is allways the most important)
3. Anyone else besides me thinking a NFL owners sexy calender would just be a real treat for the wife, girlfriend, or cute-sounding girl you call at Comcast to get your TV turn back on?
Its a no-brainer. You can have Bob Kraft wearing nothing but that blue dress shirt with the white collar, Dan Snyder dressed in like a buckskin and headdress with a sexy little squaw next to him? Jerry Jones and like 5 kidnapped stewardesses? Just have some fun with it and make a little extra coin for the NFL on the side.
4. Im fufilling one of my lifelong dreams tomorow and going to be attending Media Day at the Superbowl. Definitley going to ask Pete Carroll about 9/11, not even going to try to ask Marshawn a queston Im just going to stand there grabbing my junk since turnabout is fair play. Might even get Gronk to read from his erotica book. Please send me any questions that you would like to see answered at Superbowl media day to PFTCommenter at gmail dot com.
5. KFC is stepping its game up to the next level with a double down hotdog. Will you be a part of the future or will you be left with a boring old hot dog that isnt completeley wrapped in fried chicken while you're standing there like some kind of hemphumping granola fister?
If theres one thing I know its that I like my beer cold, and my weiner in between some hot breasts folks.
6. John Fox is now the coach of your Chicago Bears. I saw Grizzly man- the Fox is going to befriend some Jimmy Clausen looking weirdo but is ultimateley going to get killed because there Bears, and they will destroy anyone who tries to help them.
7. Just a tremendos piece of journalism in todays GQ profiling our wartime commissoner Roger Goodell. You think you know Roger? well quess what? You have no idea.
He proudly donned his Redskins jacket in school, went steady with a cheerleader, and captained the football, basketball, and baseball teams. On the gridiron, Goodell was known more for his grit and leadership qualities than raw talent. "He was not the fastest guy on the planet," his teammate Bill Mullally told me.
Goodell was a gamer. Not the flashiest guy but played the game The Right Way. Dated a cheerleader, Redskins fan, Grit, not fast. Never one to shy away from watching extra film unless it involves one of his star employees, Goodell was first-in last-out. He was basicaly John Riggins except Goodells biggest organ was his heart not his liver.
8. Doug Marrone really fell off pretty quick huh? The guy was a head coach who QUIT on his new owner that he retroactively had signed a contract with, then intervewed for the Jets head job where I guess he brought a little too much Buffalo to the interview since he was eliminated from contention in just a couple of weeks, and now hes in Jacksonville where his main job is protecting Blake Bortles, which to use a Jacksonville analogy- is like being a strip mall rent-a-cop where your anchor store is a Big Lots that has been over run by opossoms.
9. Everyone on the east coast is bracing for a killer snow storm. But only the most viglant among us will recognize that it could very well be a false-flag blizzard. Aaron Hernendezs trial will end jury selection this week but theres no chance the trial is going to start if Boston roads are going to be looking like the inside of his nostrils. These gotcha prosecuters are going to have there work cut out for them convicting a famous guy from Boston of killing someone, I mean its not like Odin Lloyd was his babysitter and Hernedez was drunk and left him inside his own car in a river and then left for a day and then the cops found him. Hell in 20 years under President Chelsea Clinton Hernendez might be the Senior Senator from Masschusettes pushing for single payer health care, you just never know with these things.
While were on it, I mean what else does Rob Gronkowski have to do at this point to be named a honorary Kennedy? Actualy dont answer that.
10. Real excited about downtown Phoenix turning literaly 9 blocks into basicaly bourbon street except instead of girls taking there tops off its going to be alot of manboobs in corporate polo shirts throwing lanyards and belt cellphone holders at each other. The downtown area is turning into a cargo-short Hamsterdam public drinking zone aka the Josh Gordon district where Patriots and Seahawks fans alike are welcome to get blasted to the moon off high gravity booze. Looking forward to seeing Michael Irvin manicaly pacing through the streets taking a chisel to the side of every building after he hears theres going to be a "100 foot rock wall."
15-yard penalty for crotch grab. Finally.— Pete Prisco (@PriscoCBS) January 24, 2015
LIke I told some guys this week, if Lynch did that against my team, and I was a player, I'd twist it like a pretzel underneath pile.
— Pete Prisco (@PriscoCBS) January 24, 2015
LIke I told some guys this week, if Lynch did that against my team, and I was a player, I'd twist it like a pretzel underneath pile.— Pete Prisco (@PriscoCBS) January 24, 2015
I did that once to a guy in high school.
— Pete Prisco (@PriscoCBS) January 24, 2015
I did that once to a guy in high school.— Pete Prisco (@PriscoCBS) January 24, 2015
This Week In Rovell: These are not the takes youre looking for
Reader MailPail: I smell conspiracy
Reader Moose sent me a very long detaled email outlining why he thinks the NFL wanted Green Bay and Denver to play in the Superbowl. Heres his conclusion:
Denver needed to beat indy but the NFL wasnt expecting payton manning to spend more time watching naitonwide comercials then watching film, you saw that he played more like eli than payton.
so we go to the nfc championship game where green bay is suppose to beat Seattle. the NFL allmost took care of this by locking the 12th man out of the stadium when they went out for a marijuana cigarette, but they forgot to take into the count the 13th man aka God who was also playing for the seahawks and the plan was foiled.
again the plan was to have Denver verse green bay but why? as im sure you know payton manning and papa john are very close. im a diehard nfl fan so i live entirely off products of NFL sponsers, so obviously i buy a lot of papa johns and mcdonalds and bud lite and pepsi plus a lot of insurance i dont need. i noticed a few weeks ago that all papa johns boxes now say "official sponser of super bowl xlix." so clearly the league wanted payton in the game. why green bay you ask? when america sees payton win the super bowl and buys millions and millions of papa johns pizzas they have to get the cheese from somewhere. thats right, as a conselation prize for losing (and to keep anyone from asking questions IMO) the people of wisconsin would of seen they're economy boom from all the cheese.
obviously this plan has failed and with seattle allready in the super bowl, the leauge made up the story about the patriots deflading balls to remind everyone of all the cheating they used to do. they had to do this because they couldnt have 2 liberal elite fanbases from the coasts going into the super bowl thinking there better than the hole some midwestern values in indy and green bay.
i hope you like my evedence for the NFL rigging the playoffs, i got fired from my job because the security camera caught me doing this research instead of working but at least i know goodell will never find out that i exposed this.
MailPail2: ProBowl ideas
There are alot of suggestons for how to improve the Pro Bowl, aside from the most obvious step of just banning Andy Dalton outright, but reader J.D. has a good one:
No wonder the game is so soft. Everyone is already on vacation. If they were real professionals, they would hold it outdoors in Green Bay. Or if they have to play in Hawaii, they should play on some lava rocks like Robert Allenby.
I like the idea of either playing it on the frozen tundra of Lambeau just to up the stakes a little bit. One things for sure though and thats that the Pro Bowl is here to stay.
Here are some other suggestons for improving it:
-Play it on the dirt High School field in Trona California
-Give each player a puppy on a leash that they have to hold onto and protect during them game at all times
-Feed Berman a gallon of Sake and put him on the 50 yard line with karaoke machine controlled by twitter users for the halftime show
-Winning team get's prima nocta on opposing teams WAGs if there of age
-Let a drunk fan coach
-Every mascot has to have a minmum of 5 rushing attempts
-More hashtags America cant get enough hashtags