All spelling errors are intentional, we think. - Ed.
PHOENIX -- The sweetest tradition of the NFL Superbowl is without a doubt media day. Hardworking journlists, strippers and puppets come from all over the globe to expect earnest answers from Bill Belichick which is like Reese Witherspoon hitchhiking her bony ass all the way from Alaska in a attempt to bang Tim Tebow.
This year was going to be my very first NFL media day in person. I packed my bags for the most importent Business Trip of my life.
Unfortunateley the PC police dont let you bring sulfite wine into Media day anymore- woudnt want any weirdos.
Any ways I got in about halfway through the Patriots sesson, The crowd around Belichick was filled with people in suits, thongs, and a guy who was literaly dressed as the terminator. The wait was through the roof so I stood in the back screaming the following questons:
-Who are you going to cut this year the night before the Superbowl?
-Have you told your mom your a cheater yet (classic journalism trick to get him to admit hes a cheater)
-New England hasnt won a Superbowl since the Bush administraton is this just an other case of Obama hating true Patriots?
-Anythoughts to bringing Aaron Hernendez back after his acquittal? Maybe getting him in the Patriot way would be great way to straighten him right out.
-Sherrif Joe Makes crimnals wear pink and so does the NFL I dont really have a question
-Do you think Roger Goodell would of tried harder to find the Ray Rice tape if Rice had been accused of deflating a football in the elevator?
-I just basicaly asked if I could have a million of his dollars
I was getting nowhere no one coud hear me over the commotion of everyone who had "planned better" and "wasnt slurring there speech" so I moved on to find the Legion of Groom and there fantastic beards- Edelman and Amendola.
Edelman was, as allways, just a absolute pro about media day. Just totally gets it. I asked him if he dips skoal or copenhagen, which he ignored because hes just to polite to let down either brand.
Then I started in on the heavy stuff after he acknowledged that Gronkowski is such a matchup nightmare because "hes got deceptive speed."
PFTC: Whose got more deceptive speed- you or Gronk?
Edelman: "because hes fast"
PFTC:Yeah but woudnt that mean you had more deceptive speed? Hes got more speed but whose got more deceptive speed?
Edelman: I dont know youre confusing me with a bunch of big words. This isnt a SAT class.
(Love this workingman mentalty. Only loosers care about words. The difference between 16-0 record and a 1600 test score is if youre a ZERO)
PFTC: Ok, Whose grittier?
I could literally smell the jealousey in the Patriots lockeroom. Gronk is the grittiest, hes getting all the babes writing books about him, so I asked Danny Amendola if he had read the Gronk book. He had not but you could tell he was interested. I asked him if he is jealous of Gronk haveing a book while he doesnt- he luaghed and said:
"Nah I'm not tryin to have no books."
Folks I call Edelman and Amendola "White Out" because they hate reading. Like to hit the blocks more then the books.
Then it was time for the Seahawks to take the main stage.
Of course Marshawn Lynch answered every queston with "I'm here so I wont get fined". But what you dont know are the questons he was responding to, including:
-Would you rather answer dumb questons from the media or listen to nothing but Macklemore for the rest of your life?
-If the Seahawk's win you will get to go to the White House for the second time in as many years. Whats it like knowing that you guy's spend the exact same amount of time there as Obama?
He wasnt even looking at me mostly because I was basically asking the questons to the Univision lady next to me so shed be inpressed with how much I know about football even though Im drunk. But then I had a stroke. A stroke of genius. I cleared my throat and asked:
Q: -Marshawn- if you think Roger Goodell is a overbearing greedy hypocrit, please say "I'm here so I wont get fined"
Marshawn Lynch: "Im here so I wont get fined."
Boom. Thats how you break news folks. Now there are some nay sayers who will contend that maybe Marshawn didnt hear my queston just because 3 dozen other reporters were literaly shouting their important question at a man whose told everyone that hes not answering them. But Roger Goodell needs to come down hard on Marshawn for literaly calling him a hypocrit. Plus how are us reporter's suppose to do our jobs writing about Marshawn Lynch when he wont even talk to us? Its not like we can write columns about how we cant write columns about him.
But I was there for one big mission. I was there to get to the bottom of Pete Carrols believes about 9/11. You see its been well documented that Pete Carol has views that some would lump into the realm of 9/11 truther. In 2013, Carol met with 4-star General Peter Chiarelli at the seahawks team facilty per DEADspin-
In particular, Carroll wanted to know whether the attack on the Pentagon had really happened. Chiarelli—who was the top-ranking Army official inside the Pentagon when American Airlines Flight 77 crashed into its western side—explained that it had. He said he had lost many colleagues. But Carroll didn't stop there. He ran through the whole 9/11 truther litany. "Every 9/11 conspiracy theory you can think of, Pete asked about," said Riki Ellison, the former NFL linebacker who now runs the Missile Defense Advocacy Alliance and introduced Carroll to Chiarelli. Ellison, along with Seahawks offensive line coach Pat Ruel, was at the meeting as well.
So I went up to Pete and started to ask him to explain his view's on the events of 9/11 in relaton to this report. He looked at me like he saw a ghost.
He stared for a second then asked me to repeat wich I did. He stared at me for an other second and when I asked him "Why would you doubt the offical story behind 9/11?" he stammered and said "I dont recall that conversaton" and basicaly begged for another softball from ANYONE else besides this glowing blazing truthball that was in his face.
BUT HE DID NOT DENY IT folks.
But media day with the players is basicaly just the appetizer for the real deal- media day for slightly more famous media personalties.
Yes, after the players cleared out, the NBC Football Night in America crew took over a conference room and laid out a red carpet literally in the middle of a hotel room and paraded out Tony Dungy, Bob Costas, Hines Ward, Rodeny Harrison and the rest of the gang. This was the much anticpated chance that us in the media would have to interview other members of the media. There was electricity in the air.
I camped out at Tony Dungys table and waited for the the former coach of Peyton Manning to come sit down. When he finaly made it, he was bombarded with hardhitting questons from my table mates such as "Do you think its going to be a good game?" and "Do you think the Seahawks have a good defense?" After performing a wonderfull balancing act as he assured us that both team's, were in fact, good,, Dungy was asked about Ray Rice and Adrian Peterson.
Dungy remained classy as ever, assuring us that hes a big belever in second chances, and sometime's teams need to do the right thing when you truley believe that a player has been rehabiltated even if that means there will be distractions to go along with it. And sometimes that takes a strong man:
"You have to be very very tough minded to say were going to do the right thing... if you have a sense in youre heart about whats the right thing to do. If you feel like youre doing the right thing when nobody else does- you have to be strong."
I asked him how this jived with saying he woudnt draft Michael Sam because hes a distraction because of hes gay and he was maybe doing a TV show, and Dungy gave a great response as I knew he would saying "You've got to weigh all that in. You do have to think about that."
Not that I cared by the way. This isnt news.
We moved on to lighter heart topics
PFTC: Is Joe Flacco a Elite Quaterback?
Tony Dungy: I think Joe Flaccos very good
PFTC (interrupting); But Elite?
Tony Dungy: I think he is Elite.
I also got an chance to catch up with Hines Ward-
PFTC: Whose a better Quarterback- Antwan Randle-El or Julian Edelman?
Hines Ward: Im a little bias so I'm going to go with Randle-El
(*I dont think Hines understood my queston, Randle-El is techhnicaly a run-first pass-throwing WR. Edelman is a pass-catching pocket-passer, But I suppose its his right to be wrong.)
I asked Hines how much bigger he thinks the NFL can get given that were currentley in the middle of a media day where were interviewing other media people and he seems to think the skys the limit given the emerging market's of women.
Hines Ward: Alot of people who are playing fantasy football never even played the game. You got females that just like the number or like the color end up winning the damn fantasy football league.
PFTC: Tell me about it
Hines Ward: It undermines the game a little bit but it's growing. It helps the growth of our game. And now females whod never think about watching, their boyfriends or significant others are playing... and they end up winning. So the fanbase is there.
PFTC: Would you consider Joe Flacco a Elite Quaterback?
Hines Ward: No. Not Elite. When hes in the postseason hes pretty elite, but in the regular season hes an average quaterback...Two different Quaterbacks (Ed note: Baldingers cat.) Post season Joe Flacco- 10x better then regular season Joe Flacco
PFTC: So the opposite of Peyton Manning then
Hines Ward: Some could argue that.
PFTC: But you woudnt
HInes: (does his trademark laugh and smile and now were best friends)