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The NFL's army of volunteer narcs and beer cops

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PFT Commenter joined a secret army of 10,000 volunteers sworn to protect The SHIELD.

Rob Carr/Getty Images

PFT Commenter's Super Bowl journey continues. All spelling errors are intentional (we think). - Ed.

PHOENIX -- I woke up on day two of my Superbowl adventure week ready to do some good deeds. There are alot of needy folks in this world who never get to watch NFL football. For some folks in the 3th or 4th world, the closest theyll ever get to a superbowl is handing down there massive collection of Buffalo Bills World Champion T-Shirts to their children. It was with them in mind that I decided to volunteer my services for a good cause- helping the NFL scrape by to see if they cant turn a little profit out of literally the most watched television show of the year.

I cant think of a more deserving cause then the NFL. They are a non-profit just like the Red Cross or NAMBLA, and they are only able to survive in the cuthroat world of multi-billion dollar televison packages because of the hard work and generosty of a Elite few- the volunteers. Heres a fact: if it werent for the use of unpaid labor, the Superbowl would be force to subsist solely on the revenue generated from selling beer and viagra commercials for $4 million per 30 seconds of airtime. Its a scarey thought but the NFL lives paycheck to paycheck just like your average joe.

So how is a small 501c3 like the NFL able to recruit so many folks to help them with there quaint homecoming game each year? Well when they evalutate each cities bids to determine who gets the Superbowl, after crumpling up Baltimores applicaton and throwing it on to the nearest floor, they look to see who can offer the most attractive plan aka which citys can promise the most infastructure, best weather, and hottest strippers for televison executives to bang- and all for the lowest expected cost. This years team was called the "Arizona Super Bowl Host Committee," and I'll be damn if they werent just a struggling little mom and pop charity too:

The Arizona Super Bowl Host Committee is a private, non-profit Arizona corporation that is responsible for driving the state’s efforts for Super Bowl XLIX.

So the host committee pitches the NFL for the rights to get the superbowl, and then they hire a company called Party Planners West to deliver on all these promisses to supply event staff, and emergency services for people who cant handle there liquor when I chug too much Mezcal before lunch. Well like any good commercial enterprise, the NFL knows the old busness trick of just relying on unpaid labor to do every thing for you while you get lots of money. Its allmost genius in its simplicity- you have to allmost wonder why Obama hasnt thought of just using unpaid labor to fix our natons problems but I bet the PC police could nitpick that idea apart and find one or two amendments that can be interpreted as being against it.

Anyways, the host committe put out a call for 10,000 volunteer's and I singed up on day 1. I wanted to leave my mark on the Superbowl and the best way to do that was to donate my time and effort toward's such a needy cause. I was going to be on the front lines of protecting the shield, finally.

After along night last evening spent mostly just being to excited to sleep and googling Arizonas "stand your ground" laws just in case things turned hairy during my shift, I woke up bright and early to attend my orentation.

Ive been to more then one or two selfhelp seminars and it was kind've a familiar scene as I walked in and there was a guy on a microphone in a massive confrence room trying to get people AMPED UP to hit the pavement and do there part to make this Superbowl a success for the NFL. I walked in to the hotel confrence room and saw a literal mass of folks ready to go out there and work for free. My particular group was about 200 strong and we were lock and loaded.

My traning pretty much consisted of someone checking my name,,handing me a red shirt. Then an other person tried to get me to sign a waiver while ignoring me when I kept asking when I was going get issued my gun. Its a good thing I have such exellent instincts because a dumer person would of felt like they had no idea what they were doing at all. They handed us some cards to help us if we were out on the streets and needed a acrostic poem to remind us what we were suppose to be doing:

The only real rule we were told was that we were UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES suppose to call 911. There were going to be plenty of polices and EMS around downtown so we needed to grab one of them instead of calling 911. It was hightime the NFL made a statement in the Stop Snitchin campaign and I aplaud that.

I was at a table with alot of other folks- some from South Dakota some from Arkansas and all of us without a real clear understanding about where any thing in Phonix is, and we were all assinged to be street corner guides to help folks find there way. Among other things, our dutys were to be on the lookout for sex trafficers.

"Sex Trafficers?" I shouted. "I didnt know Kellen Winslow Jr. was suppose to be here!"

I dont think any one heard my joke or maybe they just dont know about football.

But serously sex trafficing is a serious issue which is why they gave us a comprehensive business card filled with some facts to show us what we should be on the lookout for.

Yeah ok nice try. You just told me not to call 911. I threw the stupid card in the trash.

So then I got a round to finding out what my duties would be for the day. I was going to be a NARC.

1. If you see somone drinking a beer before 2 PM outdoors tell them to stop or get a police officer.

The reason folks woudnt be allowed to drink outdoors untill 2 is because the official Bud Light NFL-approved beer stands woudnt be open until 2 PM, there for any illicit beers on the premises would potentially be rougue non-league brands and would be considered contraband. It was up to us crimson-shirted do-gooders to protect the shield at all costs. And folks- historicaly Volunteer Red Armys have done a pretty good job in turning back pilsner swilling invaders in the wintertime.

But I have to say- being on NARC duty was the worst assingment I could of imagined especially considering that I had a MD2020 concealed on my person at all times which I was  enjoying at my lesure. But I knew it was the right thing to do, so I pretended to do it.

So as 10,000 of us voluteers fanned out across the greater Phoenix area to basicaly say hi to people and hope they didnt ask us to help them find any thing, we grew uneasy. Allthough we are the front lines of communicaton with the public we receved literaly less than a half hour of training. It allmost felt like we were just numbers that a company needed to secure a contract that would make them millions of dollars and provide a illuson of security that would make the NFL look good. But no that coudnt of been it.

They sent us out side and no one knew where they were suppose to go,,my group basicaly stood out in the sun for a hour and half. I got sweatey and angry, so I sat my bag down from playing grabass and kindve forgot about it. I turned the corner to catch a cool hang in the shade, and when I walked back my bag was literally surrounded by 10 emergency personell and a couple cops rifling through it because a bored fellow volunteer had told them there was a supsicious package. I told them it was mine and retreived it in what must of been a very suspiciously panicked voice from me since I didnt want them to take my booze.

We stood out in the sun for another like hour not doing any thing at all and it occurred to me that we shoudnt be treated like this. We should demand better working conditons and a more fair wage as volunteers. I began to organize some of my workers in a effort for the right to collectively bargain for less hours and the right to not take peoples beers away. After getting a couple folks on board one loudmouth scab reminded me that Arizona is a right to work state,, and she didnt want to loose her job she wasnt getting paid for.

Ive got a couple more volunteer shifts left to do this week and folks Im normally not a pro-labor guy but this is diffrent since it directly effects me. I will keep you updated on my efforts to unionize the superbowl volunteers as they unfold.

So at basicaly every hotel, every street corner, the airport, golfcorses, concerts, fan events, you will see us. We are legion. We are the NFLs unpaid labor force to be reckoned with. Without us the Superbowl doesnt happen and Roger Goodell has to go back on food stamps. So your welcome America.