We're required to remind you that these strong takes are SATIRE. Sorry, not sorry. All spelling errors are intentional, we think. -- The editor.
Wellcome to the Monday Morning BM, just a word of warning your probably not prepared to handle the strong football takes and barrelfire NFL truths that you never knew your Mondays were missing. This column is written for and by a REAL fan of the NFL. Its designed to be read on your Monday Morning commode break after a long Sunday eating bad-for-you food and drinking beers. If you care more about SPELLING then you do about TELLING theres the door because this columns not for you.
I mean we all knew it was going to come to this point right? Superstar young Wide Recever gets to big for his britches, scores an impressive touchdown, and injures himself doing a celebration dance. Beckham was apparently trying to pay homage to his injured buddy Victor Cruz, but maybe Beckham didn't realize that Cruz celebrates by doing the salsa, not the Stupid Shuffle.
Now it looks like OBJ strained his hamstring and it looks like the only dance he'll be doing for the next couple weeks is the can't-can't.
But it makes you wonder about the underlying cause behind all of Beckhams very public and very flashy injuries. You dont see other wide recevers spending as much time in the training room as the practice field, and I think I know what it is. His hair. Much like OBJ himself, his hair just looks like a giant souffle that rose too quickly, and if he's ever going to get to the root of his problems he needs to understand that the NFL is a microscope league and his blondes have more fun routine is making him look like a parasite not a specimine. Theres only one sport in the world where dancing makes you look cooler and its called rugby. Memo to Beckham- there called the "All Blacks" not the "Black roots with Frosted tips" and the dance they do is called the Haka, not the caca.
Just because Beckham wants to play like a Superman doesnt mean he should model his hair after lead singer of goldfinger. Now he just looks like Frylock got left out in a Chernobyl snowstorm, and the fallout has just begun, because you can bet that the fact that he spends longer stretching out his hair then his hamstrings is starting to wear real thin on his teammates. In an even more selfish move, after tweaking his hamstring and subbing himself out he insisted on getting back on the field during the game-winning drive just so he could pad his stats. But lame duck was noting more then a decoy folks.
You can bet the coaching staff is starting to take notice as well. Tom Coughlin has danced twice in his life- the first 16 bars of Randy Travis at his daughters wedding, and when he was fired from the Jaguars. He knows theres no place for it in a NFL room- he'd rather you focus more on getting your hamstring loose then footloose. If he wants to save his season and his job, Coach needs to sit Beckhams ass down and remind him highlights that matter are earned in the film room son, not the barber shop.
Road Grader of the Week: Andy Dalton
The landscape of the AFC North has been changed folks, and Orange is the new black.
Incumbent AFC Pro Bowler Andy Dalton has the Bengals out to a red hot undefeated start, and many columnists especialy me are calling him "Hawaii 5-0". Whats the reason for Cincinnattis surge to prominance? Well I'll tell you what it is- not to make this all about myself but its because of me.
Theres only one QB in the NFL who is a follower of your humble columnist and that is- you guest it, Andy Dalton. At first I was thining "hey its pretty cool that NFL QBs who subscribe to PFTCommenter are undefeated after 5 weeks" but then I thought about it a little more, and its actually very concerning.
This is the MMBMs DraftKings moment. Dalton has been using my columns and tweets to build up his football IQ and gameplan using takes that arent available to his opponents who dont follow me. It reeks to high heavens of insider trading and if Im the league Im examining this relationship throroughly and immediately to make sure that there is no evidence of impropriety. A quick look at the Bengals 5-0 start shows victories verse the Raiders, Chargers, Ravens, Chiefs and Seahawks. 5 teams that I have written cover stories on in the past 6 months. Coincidence? Extremely unlikely. The crediblity of the league is of the utmost importance and any allegations of underhandedness should be investigated immedately which is why I've taken the unprecendented measure of blocking Andy Dalton for the good of the game.
Runner-up: Trent Williams
The Redksins LT showed Atlanta what road grading someone looks like up close and personal.
Trent Williams Angry In 4th Quarter https://t.co/BCVH5pp9eS— Paul Conner (@P_ConnerJr) October 12, 2015
Only reason Trent didnt get first place is because he didnt make a effort to get downfield to help his WR up after the tackle. Almost like he was to busy counting the helmet stickers he was going to be racking up to worry about beating his teammate to the end zone to help him celebrate.
Fan of the Week: The Beaver Bigfoot
"What are you bro?
Im a hairy beaver.
How are the New England Patriots Cheating Now?
Its extremely simple. The Patriots have allways had your Wes Welker, Woodhead, Edelman, Amendola, Devlin type guys. Fellas who care more about how hard they're working than how hard you think they're working. Honestly shocked that there even members of the NFLPA with work ethic like that. They're like if Ayn Rand went back in time to kill Hitler but instead ended up getting Eiffel towered by General Patton and Chuck Bernarik outside Versailles.
The deception is simple- ahve players who all look so much alike that its impossible for the defesen to tell them apart and they become uncoverable. Its like when they did those legal but technically illegal foirmations verse the Ravens last year. Each time a Patriot has a white layer in the game on offense they should have to check in with the officials and report as caucasian.
10 Things I Know I Know
1. This is possibley the most disgusting thing Ive ever seen take place on a football field
The Odell Beckhamification of America is complete. These youngsters are doing a celebration dance before the play which is like high fiving your stepdad for losing your virginity before you two even made it through the door of the strip club. Is it coincidental to anyone besides me that the second we take god out of public schools this type mess starts happening? Sad that kids are allowed to Nae Nae but not pray pray.
2. Trouble in paradise?
We all knew publix might of been a Jameis Winston fan but now you can add Quiznos to the list. Kind of ironic because maybe if the Bucs were as ready to promote a sub as Quiznos is, then Sean Glennon would be guiding them with a steady hand to a nice,clean, just barely under .500 season.
3. Speaking of the Bucs, The Florida bowl was everything you could of expected it to be and more. Although SB Nations legal department refused my request to attend this game while high on flakka, it was still one of the best game's of the season. In a touching tribute to Jags and Bucs fans driving records , both teams finished with over 30 points. The stands at the TB/Jaguars game contained 1/8th our nations supply of SNUS and 50% of Americas performence fishing gear shirts.
4. Marc Tresman dialed up a play out of the Rex Ryan spankbank and let Flacco score on a naked bootleg.
5. Matt Stafford learn a valuable lesson last week. After chickening out on throwing a block against a full-speed Earl Thomas, this week he went out to set a message and intentonally threw a terrible INT just so he could redeem himself by making a tackle.
It got me thinkin. What if a QB really really hated a DB so badly that he threw the ball underhand striaght up in the air towards the CB just so he could charge downfield and light him up with a devastating hit as he tried to catch it. If your the Texans why not literally put JJ Watt at QB and have him do this next time they play Andrew Luck? It would be 100% legal and would be a better option for the Houston offense AND defense. The fact Watt hasnt suggested that shows me he needs to do less time perspirating and more time innovating.
6. Mike Nugent nailed the game winner off Seattles upright to win the game. Ironicaly this is the first time that a Nugent has ever thought that a Washington Post wasnt to far left.
7. Starting to develop a theorey that Joe Flacco was a better QB when he was ugly. I mean not that he was ever ugly but I want my QB to be a player not a playa. I want my QB to be less handsome and more armsome. I want my QB to focus more on using his dreamy eyes to manipulate the free safety, not women. I want a QB who cares less about dressing up and more about showing up.
8. If the announcer gets confused and referrs to Julian Edelman as Danny Amendola or vice versa, then ESPN should give fantasy points for both players.
9. Alot of folks are talking about how bad the Lions are but lets be frank here, the 2010 Lions dont need to worry about their legacy being ruined. They can go ahead and keep the Wild Irish rose on ice because these Lions are bad but there not historically bad. The Lions dont need to contract, Detroit needs to get a second NFL team. Imagine the rivarly that could exist between the two teams plus you guarentee that one of the two teams will have at least one win.
10. Stat of the week- Jarryd Hayne used to play Rugby League.
11. Colin Kaepernick could be one of the greatest quarterbacks ever. I love his skill set. He throws with accuracy. And in today's NFL, you have to have mobility. He's got all those attributes.We talk about his arm strenght. He throws with accuracy. And heres what I love. He gets coached hard.
I love the humility aspect of Colin Kaepernick. The way he handled that press conference when that question was asked him, exactly the way your supposed to handle it. Im gonna stick to what I said, I believe Colin Kaepernick has a chance to be one of the best quaterbacks ever.
12. Dez Bryant is on the mend, but at what cost? The Cowboys star recever is trying to get a leg up on his recovery from foot surgery by literally having fetuses injected into his injury to help speed the process. Just when I thought he couldnt become more of a baby he goes and does something like this folks.
13. Dont look now but the Jaguars might be turning things around
69 of the Week: 69 is the State number of Florida
How much money should Cam Newton have made this week?
Riddle me this- if you dont show up to work how much do you get paid? Newton once again demonstrates his commitment to underminding his own teams ability to be able to afford to surround him with talent by accepting a paycheck despite the fact that he didnt complete a single pass on Sunday. There called bye weeks, but with the amount of money the Panters doled out to their anemic QB it was more like a buy weak.
How much of his contract did he earn on Sunday? He should refund the fans
Internet Comment of the Week:
If the Big Bang is true then why did the Nukes dropped on Japan not produce a completely new city in both instances. Bangs don't create.— Rev. David Williams (@davidpwil) October 7, 2015
Reader MailPail: Detroit Lions- possibly Canadian?
What if the Detroit Lions aren't even a real NFL team? What if the entire time the'yve been a canadian team from windsor this entire time? maybe they snuck in during a merger without anyone noticing, maybe they still cross the river every week and nobody cares because its the lions. we may never know.
before you write me off, real eyes that this could explain all the two many men penalties they get, and the fact that they dont mind working on american thankgiving.
Could you please investigate this further?
I can only take my hat off and say that I think your absolutely correct about this. They are the most Canadian team of all time.
They were managed by this fella Matt Millen, who looks like a guy who was Neal Youngs neighbor and picked a bunch of his cranberries without permission but instead of confronting him Neil just wrote a bunch of 7 minute songs about the incident that no one ever bothered to listen to except for music critics and guys who will never steal your girlfriends.
Also,they are without a doubt the sorriest NFL franchise. 100% Canadian.