We're required to remind you that these strong takes are SATIRE. Sorry, not sorry. All spelling errors are intentional, we think. -- The editor.
Wellcome to the Monday Morning BM, just a word of warning your probably not prepared to handle the strong football takes and barrelfire NFL truths that you never knew your Mondays were missing. This column is written for and by a REAL fan of the NFL. Its designed to be read on your Monday Morning commode break after a long Sunday eating bad-for-you food and drinking beers. If you care more about SPELLING then you do about TELLING theres the door because this columns not for you.
Last night Peyton Manning set the NFL record book ablaze with a 5-20, 4 INT, 34 yard performence that put him atop the alltime career passing yards list. Manning put up a 0.0 QBR which is remarkably effecient rating if he was playing golf, and even the division rival Chargers are having a big goof on him. Bet that Ryan Leaf draft pick dosen't look so bad now does it?
But behind every Manning implosion stand a handful of doctors who scramble to invent a brand new type of injury to explain away his poor play. And just like clockwork some very shady news came out this morning about the NFL's alltime leading passer and Mars Attacks stunt double. Very curious news indeed:
Denver's Peyton Manning has torn plantar fascia in right foot, league sources tell ESPN. Manning was battling plantar fasciitis; worsened.— Adam Schefter (@AdamSchefter) November 16, 2015
Like most folks, my first repsonse is so what? We're battling fascitis all over the world, including one in our own White House. Still not a good reason for letting your team down. To me this actually seems more like a case of Plantar Face-itis because everytime Manning plays a bad game he puts his foot in his mouth with excuses. A tear in his foot, hell Rex Ryan would have that fixed pronto with a episiotemy, not 5 weeks off.
But my second, and probably more correct reaction after I started to think what people would be more likley to click on, is that this whole injury nonsense is without a doubt just a ruse to avoid having to play against the Patriots in two weeks time. Mannings been running scared from Big Bad Brady Belichick and Bob for the past 13 years and he's avoiding them like the kid with asthma avoids Presidental Physical Fitness test day in school. (I Won National Award several times by the way not to brag. V-sit allways got me). The Pats have Peytons number so hard that youd need a graphing calculator and a box of adderall to figure out exactly how much space they have taken up inside that enormous head of his.
A foot injury? Yeah ok you allmost had me going on that one. Peytons decided he'd rather limp into the lockeroom than limp into the playoffs knowing that New England already kicked his ass once this year. Manning knows that the Broncos could beat the Bears next week with a bag full of human hair under center, so he's not really hurting the team by letting Osweiler get a warmup game. It provides a buffer zone between now and the New England game, so less woke columnists wont catch on to the fact that he's faking the foot injury deal just to avoid the Pats. Yep, old number 18 is looking like half the man he use to be, and he's turned into Wide 9- Matt Stafford the Cowardly Lion.
The bottom line is that if he's stooping to faking foot injurys, his career is pretty much completely over anyways.
Cant help but think they would of been better off over the past 4 years if they had just stuck with Tebow- A QB who would never be sidelined with a injury to the bottom of his foot, because if theres one thing Tebow has its a intact sole.
Road Grader of the Week: Ben Rothlisberger
Ben sprained his foot last week by forcing it to support his own body weight for the last 3 years, but he battled back big time to beat the Browns after Landry Jones had to be taken out of the game for a bullcrap injury with a sprained foot.
Bens secret to being a quick healer? "I drink a lot of milk." And its true- buttermilk custard milkshakes actually have a suprising amount of milk in them and are filled with other nutrients necesarry to heal yourself as quickly as possible. Is it possible to win comeback player of the year from battling back from a MCL, sprained foot, and clinical obesity in the same year? I guess we'll find out.
Fan of the Week: Raiders fan on the field
First of all- thank you to the cameras for broadcasting this. Its been a violation of our freedom of the press that they traditonally dont show fans running out on to the field, and Im just glad that era is coming to a end.
In all fairness this guys got pretty good speed I guess and finishes the run at pad level. Should of just went downhilll at the 25 behind his pads isntead of juking himself out. My major concern is that he appears to be relativeley sober in this video which causes me to wonder exactley why anyone would do this if they werent drunk? Of course its a Raiders fan, so cocaine and GHB were probably involved especally if this guy is boys with Sebastian Janikowski.
How are the Patriots Cheating Now?
Pretty simple stuff here. They claim Edelman has a broken foot so they can stash him on the bench untill the playoffs and keep him off film.
They also tackled there own player on a punt return which is just so Belichick it hurts. Danny Amendola was making a beeline for the goal when his teammate Duane Harmon tripped him up. In the military its called fragging and it gets you court martialed, but I guess under the Belichick regime it gets you a promotion?
Perhaps the most devious aspect of this is Belichick manipulating his opponets emotion. The old saying is "the enemy of my enemy is my friend" and so naturally Harmon was essentally going undercover as a double agent and posing as a Giant so that on the next kick New York might accidentally invite him into there huddle. Devious.
Also- who would you say poses the biggest threat to the Patriots postseason chance in the AFC? Thats right the Denver Broncos, and Belichick laid the blueprint over the past 10 years for how to beat up on Peyton Manning. Its a copycat league and the Chiefs (whose roster was assembled by Scott Pioli- former Belichick henchman) finally finished the job. Looks like smooth sailing for New England all the way to Superbowl 50.
10 Things I Know I Know
1. Pretty ironic that it became impossible for anyone to defend Rex Ryan.
2. Have to give credit to Jeff Fisher for trolling the heck out of the Pats by signing Wes Welker two days before Edelman gets injured. Fish was playing two moves in advance and outschemed Belichick on that one.
3. Andy Dalton just gets it
4. Maybe transition Peyton Manning to TE to extend his career a bit. The strategy of playng "reverse-ball control" and letting Alex Smith throw some pick 6s while Andy Reid stares at his challenge flag shaking with anticipation didnt really work out as well as Gary Kubiak had hoped.
5. Richard Sherman needs to chill out with his ski mask . We all know your basically stealing money from your owner but you dont have to get dressed up like Reptile from Mortal Kombat to do it.
6. I think Eli Manning would still breastfeed if given the chance. Just a hunch.
7. Unoffical stat here but you have to think that the Cardinals/Seahawks game had the highest number of drealocks per capita of any NFL game in the history of the league. Off the top of my head ironically, I can think of Lynch, Sherman, Johnathan Cooper, Andre Ellington, Chris Johnson, Markus Golden, Earl Thomas, and Larry Fitzgerald all have braids. Im of the midset that it should be a penalty if your hair covers up your nameplate- like if a police officer cant read your license plate- its a safety issue for officials. Gotta be able to identify you out there.
8. Dez Bryant has become somwhat of a malcontent and its tough to not point the finger at Greg Hardy for his leadership.
9. Rex Ryan was reportedly fired, then unfired within a span of a couple hours this morning. Sounds like a classic "you cnat fire me because I quit" situation if there ever was one. Also a pretty decent chance that Rob smashed open the "break glass in case of emergency" case in his room and waltzed into Paytons office with a manila envelope filled with Tom Benson nudes
10. As a person whose spent a week in Paris, I feel a deep connecton with the French people especally given there affinity for football and casual drinking during lunctime. Therefore if you want to and can afford to throw in a couple bucks to donate with me to the French Red Cross I think thats pretty cool. Ive made probably more France jokes then anyone over the past couple of years but when it all comes down to it they have given us things like french toast, making out, and New Orleans, so its the least we could do to help them out now IMO.
How much money should Cam Newton have made this week?
69 of the week: Halftime Statline on SNF
You cant tell me this wasnt intentonally planned. If you repress your sexual desires too much theyr'e just naturally going to break through in other places:
(H/T Paul Louis)
Internet Comment of the Week: A ProFootballTalk Commenter has some thoughts on ISIS
Reader Mailpail: Conspiracy against Chip Kelly
Ppl forget that since nike started making nfl jerseys, sam bradford hasn't won a playoff game, and neither has chip kely... then chip leaves oregon, wear the CEO of nike is a alumnis, and all in a sudden phil night is samatoging sams sleeves. makes u think- maybe chip should of just stayed in school.
This is a series of great points. I cant tell if Bradford is wearing a bathrobe or a burka out there but the one common denomnator is Phil Knight grinning mischevously in the Eagles equipment room holding a spool, needle, and thimble while Bradford sends his coach on a way-way trip back to academia. Also, and I dont know how this is possible btu somehow it seems that everytime a NFC East team loses they actually gain ground in the playoff hunt. Will have to leave that mystery up to the statisticians.