We're required to remind you that these strong takes are SATIRE. Sorry, not sorry. All spelling errors are intentional, we think. -- The editor.
Wellcome to the Monday Morning BM, just a word of warning your probably not prepared to handle the strong football takes and barrelfire NFL truths that you never knew your Mondays were missing. This column is written for and by a REAL fan of the NFL. Its designed to be read on your Monday Morning commode break after a long Sunday eating bad-for-you food and drinking beers. If you care more about SPELLING then you do about TELLING theres the door because this columns not for you.
The Patriots have long been admired by me and lets face it pretty much every former Dallas Cowboys fan in America for being the embodyment of American winning, grit, passion, and football IQ. Foxboro has pretty much been a ophanage for coaches sons for the past 15 years, with superstar players and off-the-field human beings like Rob Nincovich, Tedy Bruschi, Mike Vrabel, Wes Welker, Julien Edelman, Danny Woodhead, Tom Brady, and the argument could be made for Randy Moss as well- leading the franchise to unpresedented success. But the worm has tunred on Belichick as of last night when he did something I thought Id never see him every do- throw a game.
I dont care if your down to your last 2 guys out there, you snap that ball and try to win- what would Griff Whalen do? He'd line up and make you hit him in the mouth thtats for sure. And for those of you asking WHY the Pats would intentonally lose a game, well I guess I can spell it out for you.
Its all so simple folks:
For what it's worth, many of the guys on the 2007 Pats have said that in retrospect wish they'd lost a game during the regular season.— Seth Wickersham (@SethWickersham) November 30, 2015
Pretty obvous whats going on here gang. Belichick obvously remembers what a distraction being undefeated was to the team as they prepared for Superbowl XLII. He didnt want a bunch of '72 Dolphins like Mercury Morris hanging around being asked there opinion on every playcall and commenting on the texture of the toilet paper in the team facility, so he took action. Now, typically the best way to get rid of Mercury is to invite one of Jay Cutlers children into the lockeroom, but Belichick had something a little more devious in mind.
The Pats were getting hosed on every call on Sunday night. Off the top of my head, no offense to David Tyree, I can recall massively bias calls going against the Patriots on about a hundred occaisions. I mean hasnt this franchise suffred enough? Belichick recognied that the cards were stacked against him, that this fight wasnt worth winning, and so he gave simple instructions to Gronk: fake a injury.
So big ole Rob goes down and takes such a obvious dive that he should of won a Olympic medal in underwater soccer. Its like the football equivilant of faking a pregnancy when your cool, really smart, football writer boyfriend breaks up with you and you do it just to get sympathy and maybe try to make me realize that I shouldnt of been so mean to you for all those times you cheated on me before we started dating.
Well mission accomplished. Gronkowskis little boo-boo turned the Pats into the sympathetic underdogs instead of the evil empire. And now they're playing without the pressures of a undefeated season still weighing heavily on there backs. Gronk was out there rolling around on the ground like Nancy Kerrigan with what appears to be a exploded ACL but I guess there was a miricle on ice folks because now he's not even expected to miss more then a week?! Excuse me?!! Its like if you had woke up on November 23rd 1963 to reports that President Kennedy was fine and just needed a good nights rest and a couple aspirins and a wig and he'd be fine.
Look at this tweet from TWO YEARS AGO
THIS JUST IN: MRI confirms torn ACL and MCL for Patriots TE Rob Gronkowski. (via ESPN & media reports)— SportsCenter (@SportsCenter) December 9, 2013
This right here is the smoking gun folks- a media report that emerged over 20 months early regarding a bogus injury to the teams biggest star. Concrete proof of Belichickian monkey-business with the injury reports. Its like when Notorious BIG made a reference to 9/11 in the song "Juicy". Forgot to post-date this one I guess.
Bottom line is now the Pats are 10-1. Free of the Undefeated Man's Burden, they get to rest Rob Gronkowski for their second bye-week coming up on Sunday against the Eagles.
Road Grader of the Week: Roger Goodell
10 Things I Know I Know
1. Cole Beasly has three, maybe four Stussy decals on his rear windshield
2. Love these opiod related constipation commercials. If your slamming enough vicodin on a regular basis to not be able to crank a meaty brown, maybe not being able to shit isnt your biggest problem.
3. Ready for Movember to come to a end so we can finally usher in Pubecember.
4. A Montana newspaper is planning on revealing there commenters real names retroactiveley. Once again, internet commenters are the most subjugated, discrimnated class in modern-day society.
Lets see what there readers are saying:
@EWDolan The comments section often has more useful information than the biased articles, it pays to read both.— Jay (@jay6018) November 28, 2015
5. Has anyone ever consider maybe Brady is actualy 3 short Elite QBs all sitting on each others shoulders?
6. Miami Dolphin's trainer has not one but two cans of dip in his back pocket on game day. This is called being prepared.
7. I call him Cecil Pants because he takes your breath away
8. Happy Cyber Monday from The St. Louis Rams. It seems someone bought FireJeffFisher.com and redirected it to there team website in a effort to avoid the embarassment that goes along with having a website that points out your paying a guy millions of dollars who has no real sustained success of any kind in his 25 years coaching in the NFL. Maybe the team needs to concentrate more on aquiring URWs then URLs folks, just my take.
9. When he was in San Diego I bet you Anthony Cromartie went as slutty Philip Rivers every year for Halloween.
10. Ive often wondered how come a defense cant just keep committng penalties on there own one yard line and run the clock out, like on a game winning extra point just keep jumping way way offsides until it gets to late and the refs have to send everyone home. Turns out Buddy Ryan tried to do a simnalr tactic with his defensive formation that was literally called "Polish Goalline" (Via SmartFootball):
11. Rex Ryan was advised by team Chaplain to not challenge pivotal catch at the end of there loss to the Chiefs. Alot of people are wondering why the Chaplain was advising Rex and makes sense- Hes getting his info from the ultimate replay booth upstairs- Heaven. Just proves that God dosent even able to understand what a catch is these days. Makes you apprecate the Bible and the Constution even more as the only two sets of rules that were so perfect they never needed to be changed. No need to clarify the 10 comandments so that 20 drunk guys in a bar can understand what gluttony means.
12. Disgusting how much Cam Newton was smiling and doing extremely suggestive dance moves during his win over the Cowboys, youd never see a real QB like Brett Farve do that.
Show some class- not everything has to be a thinly veiled sexual refrence Cam. Grow up.
69 of the week: Canada Reciprocates
When I first heard the Grey Cup was being played yesterday to crown the Canadian champion, I immediately thought "Well yea, Ben Rothlisbergers jock strap could probably beat most CFL teams.
Turns out thats just the name of there Superbowl up North. And folks, our Canadaian friends arent so different from you and me- the CFL fans have proved themselves to be big time supporters of the 69 jerseys:
How much money should Cam Newton have made this week?
It could be argued by a less intelligent football writer then I am that Cam Newton deserves a big contract, but when you take a look at the stuff that Newton actually spends his money on it becomes clear that hes just not mature enough to repsonibly handle such a huge salary. So putting aside the debate on whether he DESERVES to be paid like a superstar, lets see if he should even be trusted with the amount of money that he's earning.
You hear about all these guys who go broke within 6 weeks after leaving the NFL and you cant help but think Cams pointing himself in that direction. Last week he just had to show off by buying 900* kids a free Thanksgiving dinner. Cams out here throwing money around like its going out of style just so he can impress there moms or whatever other sinister reasons he might have for feeding those youngsters a warm holiday meal.
Then this weekend Cam was a man about town looking more like a charlatan then a Charlottean. A real leader would of been right back in the film room on Thursday night. Because while the Cowboys might of been a easy victory, next week the Panthers face a much tougher opponent in the vaunted Saints defense. But no- Cam wasout and about acting like a real Charlotte Harlot.
First on the agenda was courtside seats for a Hornets game- estimated cost- at least a hundred bucks probably. A quick check of StubHub shows there were plenty of perfectly good upper secton seats he could of purchased for $20. I feel like Mr. Richardson should garnish Cams paycheck for his own good until he can learn to spend intelligently.
See thats the problem some of these kids dont know the value of a dollar because the NCAA wont let them work bad jobs during college. They think everythings just given to them because there talented- well Cams going tobe in for quite a culture shock in about 10 years after this NFL salary money dries up and he's force to live off only his endoresement money, and signing bonus money, and analyst money. Can see it coming a mile away.
* Actually it was technically 901 kids when you account for the fact that Newton went to a Future show on Friday night. Cams ticket literally went straight to Future's child support for his kid with Ciara, so you have to count this as Newton buying Russel Wilsons girlfriends kid its first decent meal in like a year as oppose to its nightly regime of luke warm recovery water and Advocare brand energy drinks.
This weeks rating is: WAGE GARNISHMENT
Reader MailPail:Cheering and law of unattended consequences
I've always hated that players get a round of applause after getting injured. Last night gronk got hurt and everybody cheered for him getting carted off the field. Shows the pussification of the game imo. Simple Darwinism if we cheer on injured people their more likely to get injured again to feel good about themselves. Cheering should be reserved for a 3 yard run and a cloud of dust.
Yes I think this is fair. When a racehorse goes down do they applaud it? No they bring the damn tarp on the field and "remove" it in a manner that encourges all the other horses out there to not get injured as well. Science has come so far along that now weve beat Darwin and now its almost cool to get injured. I like guys that dont get injured.