We're required to remind you that these strong takes are SATIRE. Sorry, not sorry. All spelling errors are intentional, we think. -Ed.
Wellcome to the Monday Morning BM,, just a word of warning your probably not prepared to handle the strong football takes and barrelfire NFL truths that you never knew your Mondays were missing. This column is written for and by a REAL fan of the NFL. Its designed to be read on your Monday Morning commode break after a long Sunday eating bad-for-you food and drinking beers. If you care more about SPELLING then you do about TELLING theres the door because this columns not for you.
Well folks its offical I've gone ahead and dropped Jameis Winston off my big board.
Scouts will tell you that when your at the combine you just look to try and confirm what you saw from their college career so the fact that Winston made it through a 8 minute pre-workout intervew without getting arrested or asking female reporters if they want to be in the Pen 15 club was deeply troubling many league evaluators. This wasnt Famous Jameis this was Tamest Jameis and it shows a lack of confidnce in himself.
Making matters worse for Winston is the fact that he clocked a deceptivley slow 4.9 in the 40 yard dash, so I guess the only place Jameis is listed as a "dual-threat" will have to be on a restraning order folks.
The Bucs say that they are going to be spending 30 hours with Jameis leading up to the NFL draft to make sure that hes a good person, which would be a major two-birds with one stone situation if Winston can convince a judge that hanging out with Lovie Smith should count as communty service. Now that I mention it, it would allmost be too perfect if for the Bucs to make a guy with character concerns the face of the franchise since they already literally have red flags on their helmets.
Now despite alot of folks projecting Jameis to be more of a Greg Hardy type, I think he'll get drafted at the QB position by the Bucaneers. The main red flag is I queston his toughness. Your most important ability is your durability in the NFL and Jameis is more use to getting his bell rung by a DA then a DE folks. Hes what most scouts think of as a docket passer more than a pocket passer.
The only thing more dangerous then Jameis in North Florida is Jamies in South Florida. Even though Im sure he will love his new town I dont think this is what the doctor had in mind when they said that hes got TB running through his veins.
Much is made out of Winstons checkered passed but why is no one discussing his 2012 coke-fueled run-in with Tallahassee police? I had to read it online to beleive it folks:
An employee, who recognized him, first saw him using ketchup cups to take some soda. He asked for a water cup after she told him to stop, but he said he would use it for soda and filled it repeatedly with soda over her objections
Alot of scouts are praising Jameises gunslinger mentalty but folks the only thing this guy has in common with Brett Farve is that they both used tiny cups.
Plus theres this little tidbit:
Elderly man rolling a wheelchair at indy airport. Young man, a stranger, offers help and starts pushing him. Nice move by Jameis Winston— Kent Somers (@kentsomers) February 21, 2015
So Jameis was literally trying to steal a wheelchair with someone in it. Just never ends with this guy.
SB Nation presents: What the NFL Draft looks like with Jameis Winston at No. 1
Road Grader of the Week: Mike Mayock
Mike Mayock has to be on some kind've drug this week. He knows more about some of these atheletes then they do about themselves. He also pretty much speaks his own language so I guess its pretty easy to sound smart when your the only one who knows what your talking about.
Per NFL.com , here are some of the not-at-all sexual terms Mayock uses to evaluate propsects:
Fans of the Week: Wolfpack- Tinder for guys who want to just hang out with other dudes
Well I discovered pretty much the best app of alltime folks. Its called "Woflpack" and its a dating service for straight guys who want to bro out no strings attached with some other muchachos but dont want any of the drama and commitment that comes with having actual friends.
So obvously I decided to get signed up and go cruising for some pals to maybe catch a beer with, or loop in to get together to have a informal mancave meetup team. Needles to say, I was exited. Before I even began creating my Wolfpack profile I was allready fantasizing about my first friendship hookups. Basically I assume that most Wolfpack meetups typicaly consist of two dudes slamming beers and making Anchorman references until one of them starts throwing up and then needs to go home.
So you have to login with facebook (BTW i just made a FB page I think its a emerging market thats going to be great for the brand.) And then you select all youre interests so they dont match you up on this brodate app with any weirdos.
Using there advanced algorhytyms they promise to hook you up with fellas who share common interests like amusement park and home.
So Immedateley I looked to expand my wolfpack. The best way for a lone wolf to ingratiate himself with others is to find a preexisting wolfpack and just pretend hes been there all along and hope no one notices this wierd new wolf with ringworm and gum disease with bad gas.
Febuary 14th is the lonliest day of the year for bros who have just dumped there girlfriends. Valentime's Day just serves to remind us how all our friends have wives and stuff and we have to just fly solo and hang out at the bar by ourselves just basically achieving and losing erections for 5 hours while silentley drinking beers. Fortunateley these dudes on Wolfpack are doing a friends dinner on VDay so I tried to slip in
Guys dont say "hello" to each other when there going to a party they just have a contest to try and get it started the fastest
Never heard back from them.
One thing I notice about Wolfpack is that its a great app if you like going to dog parks. Most of the meetups on there were centered a round hanging with guys while watching your dogs form closer, more meaningfull bonds.
So these guys never got back to me which is unusual so I naturaly thought there might be a problem. I called the cops and tried to explain to them that these guys are not answering there wolfpack messages and might be in trouble buts its alot harder to explain to the police what "wolfpack" when they keep putting it on speaker phone and howling with laughter every 5 seconds. Anyways guys if your reading this let me know that your ok and I still want to hang out at the dogpark at your meetup that you had planned a full month in advance for some reason.
Anyways I found another dogpark friend group to step into pretty quicly anyways.
The app also has a private messanging function which is great to have some off the record chats about some hot chick you had sex with or whose on your Mount Rushmore of Bill Simmons podcast alumni. T
he only problem with there private messanging function is that it displays your entire history of private messages with other people in your conversation box which gives you situatons like this like with Brandon. He seems like a cool guy but when I clicked to chat with him I notice he was dude-hitting on another pals megasweet tats- kind of a bro-slut IMO.
So yeah I kind of struck out on this app although Iit gave me a great idea to form a pickup artist business but for making friends either in real life or online. I think if I had negged some of these bros and said stuff like "Hey man thats a cool polo shirt I think I saw a clown wear it one time" I probably would of had alot more success on this front.
Joe Flacco Elite-O-Meter:
It has been my contenton that Joe Flacco is whats known as Baldingers Cat- both Elite and Not Elite at the same time. Each week MMBM will track Joe Flaccos performence in order to determine once and for all the answer to the unanserable NFL debate: Is Joe Flacco a Elite NFL quarterback?
Another truly banner week for the mainstream discusson of Joe Flacco's eliteness. SBNations NFL editor Ryan Van Bibber is in Indy for the combine and he was able to ask Gary Kubiak AND John Harbaugh their thoughts on Joe Flaccos Eliteness:
"Is Joe Flacco elite? You bet he is. That's why I'm standing up here today. Joe is tremendous. I really enjoyed working with him ... as talented a young man I've ever coached and he's as good a person as I've ever coached and I think we'll be talking about Joe for a long, long time.
This was immdately picked up across newstands:
Got to love how Kubiak didnt try to bring any fancy numbers into his defense here. Kubiak knows the only digit thats important is what your ring finger looks like.
But on the other hand- if Joe Flacco was so Elite last year how come Kubiak didnt try and trade for him to come to Denver? Your actons speak louder than words folks and this is mixed messaging if I ever saw it. Not to insult the guy but its pretty uncommon for stroke survivors to talk out of both sides of there mouths like this. I expected better.
This weeks rating is: Is Joe Flacco Elite?
10 Things I Know I Know:
1. Matt Millen tried to tell Al Davis not to draft Jamarcus Russel back in 2007. This might go down as one of the best uses of reverse reverse psychology of all time folks. Matt knew that no one would trust his judgment on what type of toilet paper to use on there dogs much less what to do with the number one overall pick so knowing this he told Davis not to draft the guy Millen also didnt want to draft which made Davis think that if theres anyone that Matt Millen really really dosent like, he must be good. Brilliant move by Matt.
Can you imagine being a fly on the wall with Al Davis and Matt Millen in the same room talking draft stratgy?
2. I think Im in love.
BTW 99% of pickup attempts on this babe go like this:
"Hey , is your daddy a thief?"
3. Mike Shanahan did a long intervew with sportstalk 980 in Washington DC where he basicaly said that Dan Snyder keeps giving RG3 too much power. The power struggle between the diminuative duo of Snyder and Shanahan is possbly the shortest battle of all time not involving the French army folks. Do you have any idea how low to the ground you have to get to literaly go behind Mike Shanahans back? Its ironic that while Griffin thought he was undermining his coach, he was actualy digging his own grave. Griffin would try to tell Shanahan which plays were and were not acceptable, apparently having a fundamental problem with Mike Shanahans offensive philopshy of "score points."
@AlbertBreer YOU COVER THE NFL.— Will Leitch (@williamfleitch) February 23, 2015
5. I think I can also say that we're all done with Kevin Hart. That guys been everywhere and is just living in my backfield annoying me. You know who else was the original Kevin Heart that showed up on film too much?
6. Patrica Arquette got up there and talked some nonesense about the Wage Gap between women and men but obvously she has never heard of the pornography industry which pays women alot more money than it does men, so checkmate. Its allmost like she went out of her way to find the only movie about a boy becoming a man that wasnt produced by Vivid, and now she has the nerve to complain that Ethan Hawk made more money? Nice try.
7. Mike Florio went on the air last week and said that the Cowboys are nervous about signing Dez Bryant to a longterm deal due to the fact that there are rumors curcluating about a incriminating video purported to be floating around out there that only a handful of people have seen leading many to suspect that maybe he directed Mordecai.
8. Its franchise tag season and in my opinion the league is sleeping on a major revenue stream when it comes to turning the franchise tag period into a event like the NFL draft. GMs and owners should be forced to track down and physicaly tag any player they wish to designate, like its a nature show. The player would then have to wear a ear tag for the rest of the season until they are elgible to become a real human being capable of making decisions about who they work for again. There should be rules that the player has to stay within like a 4 zip code radius until the period for assigning franchise tags is over, and you could broadcast the hunts on NFL network. If players dont want to get tagged they should have the opportunty to try and hide in order to avoid it.
9. Jason Pierre Paul is furious that hes getting the tag slapped on him. Cant find it in myself to be suprised that a guy with 3 first names is being so selfish about the situaton. I call him Jason "Pierre Paul & Mary" because his careers blowin in the wind.
10. Rutgers TE Tyler Kroft was force to drop out of the 40 yard dash because a NFL doctor reinjured his ankle during a physical examination at the combine. Getting all hurt when someones just pulling youre leg? Sounds like we got another Johnathan Martin on our hands folks.
11. It just dosent feel like the combine without Jeff Irelands smirking face around cracking wise jokes and asking players if there moms are hookers. I have it on good authorty that Ireland did NOT get fired but he has mereley put himself in seclusion training for the bigget interview of his life during the 2018 NFL combine like Rocky 3 when Snoop Doggs son is scheduled to become draft eligible.
This Week In Darren Rovell: Darren is first in thirst
So Im doing a PFT Commenter Book Club and this weeks book is Darrens comprehensive history behind the Gatorade brand. I just got started with it and its a real treat so far.
Also Im poring over Rovells articles to see if theirs a Brian Williams type history there of Darren maybe overstating his involvement in the Coke/Pepsi brand wars of the 90s please forward me any evidents you find of stolen brand valor.
Reader MailPail: This is a great point. He probably would have been.
@PFTCommenter Would Christian Ponder of been a starting QB this year if his name was Muslim Ponder?— Cognac McCarthy (@DavidBliff) February 23, 2015