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NFL free agency: The biggest Ponzi scheme in American labor

Your one-stop Free Agent round up

Steve Mitchell-USA TODAY Sports

We're required to remind you that these strong takes are SATIRE. Sorry, not sorry. All spelling errors are intentional, we think. -Ed.

Folks, it was a aboslute hell of a NFL Free Agency week. I don't know about all of you but I couldn't keep track of who was coming or going, but now that the dust has settled a little bit, it's time where I can really dig my teeth in and give you some analysis on all of the new signings and trades.

So without further adue, here are your Free Agency Winners and Losers.

Winners: Teams that didn't spend money on any free agents at all

If Free Agents were so good then how come there unemployed? Checkmate. There resume has a gap on it and thats a big red flag to any employer. If I went to Time Warner and told them about all my stats I had at Comcast but meanwhile I had spendt the last 8 months riding my goped across the country they would laugh me right out of the call center. Thats a fact. It should be the same for NFL players to not be able to get jobs. Any GM will tell you that they would be wary of anyone who outperformed there contract so much that they deserve a raise. It shows a real lack of respect for the GMs and scouts who initally thought that they werent that good. Do you want a player, or a displayer? I know which one I'd rather have.

Losers: Retiring players

The NFL got rid of guys like Jason Worilds who retired to become a Jehovah's Witness. Its a sign of the pussfication of America that Worilds is such a hypocrirt that he retired to knock on peoples doors because he was literally sick of getting his bell rung. With such a selfish me-first behavior its no coincidence that Jehova was originally spelled with a "I," folks.

The Tennessee Titans

The Titans made the Losers list pretty much just because I'm going to ride the hot hand and keep predicting that everything they do is bad. HOWEVEA (Steven A Smith voice), they pulled off a major coup when they acquired Steeler Legend Dick Lebeau whose name you recall is French for "The Beautiful Dick." Dick Lebeau is so synonymous with Pittsburg its hard to picture him anywhere else. Its like when Davey Crockett left Tennessee, or when Lindsay Lohan left rehab. In fact , the prospect of versing Dick Lebeau's scout-team defense every day in practice was enough to force Jake Locker to call it quits and hang up the Ace Bandage once and for all. Now that Lockers out of town the Titans are faced with two QB options that are certanly Less than Jake, which promise to continue that same old losing streak.

Lets be honest with ourselves here -- things aren't going to be getting better in Nashville anytime soon. In a city where Eric Church is literally considered your most promising young star, the Titans have become a specal kind of hopeless. I truly beleve that you could put a adolescent dog behind center in Nashville and it would go 4-for-12 and beat the Jaguars once a year in perptuity. I honestly dont know who there starting running back is. The fact that they signed walking sling and coproducer of the upcoming Laron Landry workout DVDs Brian Orakpo to a free agent contract shows you just how desperate they've become. NFL Films might as well title their next season "Dismember the Titans." I call them "faces of meth" because there going to get ugly, and fast.

More Losers:

The Philadelphia SAEgles

Coach Chip Kelly didnt realy do much to dispell the accusatons of being racist by loading up on former Oklahoma Sooners this week. Kelly traded for Sam Bradford and picked DeMarco Murray up in free agency leading some league circles to start calling him Koach Khip Kelly. Steven A Smith even made some wild accusatons early in the week that can only be described as being about as low as squid doo doo, but Kelly proved him wrong. Only one thing to say to SAS about that folks:

Besides all the players I mentioned who werent from Oregon, Kelly only signed players he coached at Oregon. Chips got a swagger, but this was more like a drunken stupor, leading many to wonder if he was a Pac-12 coach or a 12-pack coach.

Listen Chip, we get it. Your spending too much time looking at your college girlfriends facebook page when you should of been happy with what you had. 10-6 is pretty good. It's stable, no offense to Shannon Sharpe. I mean your not exactly banging a supermodel but Nick Foles was relible. Your looking back at your college ex's with rose-bowl colored glasses. Hell Kiko Alonso was probly a great lay, but lets not forget about how clingy Casey Matthews was- you only used him for his dads lake house anyways and he practicaly ruined your junior year. Next thing you know, you're already sick of DeMarco Murray and you find yourself staying up late poking around on LeGarrete Blounts recent photos and wondering about what could of been.

San Francisco 49ers

The 9ers and the Eagles seem to of been in a competition to see who could get rid of the most popular players within the span of one week. Folks San Francisco freed up so much Cap Space that Kaepernick tried to wear it backwards to a press conference. Id be more concern with the retirement of Justin Smith- a man who had a Annheiseur Busch tattoo on his bicep. Losing him means that Aldon Smith is basically retiring too since the only time youll see him credited with a sack next year is in a Santa Cruz police report. Speaking of me first guys, how about that Patrick Willis. You cant spell Mississippi without ISIS folks which is ironic because Willis was so good he made his opponets look like Shiite.

And the "great job" Participation Trophy goes to:

The Washington Redskins

There winners just because they managed to not give Ndamukong Smh aka "Albert Haynesworth Suhnior" 200 million dollars and a work-from-home job. They signed one defensive tackle with a pecular name of Jean-François, which should work out well unless there planning on defending from the West. Then they brought in another Defensive Linemen name "Pot Roast" which I have to admit is cool as hell, but the overall strategy is still bogus. Not to be offensive but its a little disconcerting that you hire a new GM who swears he dosent drink that much anymore and the first thing he does is goes out and gets the DTs.

Why would you ever pay any money at all to a Defense of Tackle anyways? A DTs job is to have literally no stats at all. Think about this. The best teams dont let there opponents have possession, and therefore they dont get the chance to rack up meaningless tackles that are basically badges of honor for allowing the other team to have the football. The best defensive tackle in the world is actually a good running game.


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