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MMBM: Jameis Winston could learn a lot from Ben Roethlisberger

The most important NFL column of the week is back, folks.

Charles LeClaire-USA TODAY Sports

We're required to remind you that these strong takes are SATIRE. Sorry, not sorry. All spelling errors are intentional, we think. -Ed.

Just a word of warning: your probably not prepared to handle the strong football takes and barrelfire NFL truths that you never knew your Mondays were missing. This column is written for and by a REAL fan of the NFL. Its designed to be read on your Monday Morning commode break after a long Sunday eating bad-for-you food and drinking beers. If you care more about SPELLING then you do about TELLING theres the door because this columns not for you.


Ben Roesthlisberger is finally going to be a rich man and it couldn't of happened to a nicer guy. With a brand new $31 millon dollar signing bonus is his hands, his off the field snafus are clearly in his rearview mirror since he's richer now.

Unfortunately theres a hurricane brewing down in Tampa- and its one that needs to look itself in the eye.

Flash back to 2004 at Radio City Music hall. A young, well-dressed smiling Coach's son Ben Roethlisberger was waiting patiently in the green room anxiously awaiting his name to be called. And when the Steelers selected him, its no coincidence that Big Ben clocked in right on time and got to work.

Jameis Winston on the other hand, needs to make up his mind and decide which sport he wants to go pro in- football, baseball, or hookey.

According to Sports Illustrateds Peter King, Jameis Winston is apparently not going to attend the NFL draft in Chicago despite the fact that the Bucs are going to take him first overall. I REPEAT- HE IS SKIPPING HIS FIRST DAY OF WORK. Name me one job that would keep you if you just decided not to show up the day your supposed to begin? If Im the Bucs Id draft him and then fire him immediateley but then hed have to clear waivers and Im first in the Waiver wire anyways so Id pick him back up. But the importent thing is he would learn a lesson about punctuality.

When it comes to Jameis and Big Ben The two are remarkable similar Quarterbacks on and off the field. There both big fellas with absolute cannon arms that kind of horse around too much at times,, the only difference is one gets crabs from Publix, and the other gets it in public bathrooms. Internet trolls might try to point out that Browns offense of lineman Joe Thomas skipped the draft, but he stayed home to catch seafood with his dad, not stuff it down his pants at a local supermarket.

Jameis reported met with like 6 different NFL representatives for 4 hours last week in a informative session, but he needs to decide if he wants a MENtor or a MANtor- and Big Ben could teach Jameis alot about how to handle himself like a pro, not a con.

On to the awards...

Road Grader of the Week: Rich Ohrnberger of the San Diego Chargers

Fan of the Week: Dan Snyder

In additon to owning the football team, and the worlds worst attitude in general, Dan Snyder also owns sportstalk 980 in Washington DC. Last month they anounced that they had hired former Washington Post columist Jason Reid to be the co-host of there new morning sports talk show- "The Man Cave.- Finally, a sportstalk radio show for men.
The show was going to be a unique gamechanger in talk radio where a couple guys woud sit around talking sports like there just having some fun with it, maybe in like a bar, or the room in there house that their wife lets them put sports stuff on the wall and also where they hide porn. Anyways, the show was about to debut this morning- i Had my fostex tape recorder hooked up with a alarm clock to record tuneIn radio off my iphone, but to my dismay the show wasnt there.

Welll it seems that one Dan Snyder pulled the plug on the show before it even started after hereing how critical his new host Jason Reid had been of the Washington Redskins during his many many years at the Washington post. Snyder wouldnt allow such dissent on his airwaves so either a: he waited until the night before the show to research his new star, or b: hes pretty much Frank Snyderwood and pulled a house of cards by hiring Reid and then firing him the night before the show started just to humilate him and leave him unemployed. At any rate we can all agree that Dan Snyder is basicaly the guy who hates local talk show hosts and posts on message boreds accusing them of "being bias" accept Dan actually happens to own the station and fires them the day they are suppose to start working. Ultimate fan IMO.

Joe Flacco Elite-O-Meter

It has been my contenton that Joe Flacco is whats known as Baldingers Cat- both Elite and Not Elite at the same time. Each week MMBM will track Joe Flaccos performence in order to determine once and for all the answer to the unanserable NFL debate: Is Joe Flacco a Elite NFL quarterback?

Joes been a little to active on social MEdia for my tastes over the past couple weeks. It all started with this look-at-me manuver:

I want my QB to be more concern about superbowls then superlatives. Heres one- "most likely to post on social media when he should be wrist deep in a oculus rift filled with every snap youve taken since you could wipe your own butt" hows that?

Then he posts this picture of him carrying his baby like a big show-off neon sign on his chest that says "I got you have sex".

Have to queston the padlevel of this baby. That babys running scared. They should make a holder that goes around your hips with the baby facing the groin so it can learn about padlevel. Theres a old scouts saying that if your carrying your infant like a loaf of bread and its going to crumble like toast. Talk about being more into fashion sense than commn sense by turning your infant into a outfit, plus if you dont know how to take control of a baby, how are you going to be able to handle Steve Smith?

This weeks rating is: Hes a bum


Ten Things I Know I Know

1. Sports Illustrateds Peter King brings the noise again this week in his MMQB column. People ask me if the MMBM is making fun of the MMQB and the answer is its not. People dont accuse the US constution of "making fun" of the ancient Greeks, its just a updated verson of a old idea thats tweaked for the new generation of foaming at the mouth NFL fans who prefer there takes with more rabies, and less maybes. 

Im a fan of Peters takes, but this week his nuggets are just like McDonalds-made from the worst part of the bird, and frankly its pretty ironic that the butt-kissers NFL tidbits are literlly made of the lips and asshole.

2. PFT Commenters breaking news corner: League sources have told me that a player from the Minnesota Vikings a couple years ago was suspeneded for PEDs, but the PED was actualy the penis enlargement pill Extenze. This is a true story. We can obvously eliminate Vinsathe Schianco, so the answer is obvously either Darren Sharper, or more likely, Brett Farve. I will work to break more of this story as it becomes avalable but I'm a big believer in getting feedback from my audience before the news is totally done. Its called Agile news development and its the new wave of breaking major storys to better suit what your audences want to hear.

3. As noted by @WorldofIsaac, Ndamokong Suh had a weekly habit of going to the same restraunt and eating a steak well done. Steak is actually better when its served well done because its more paleo that way. You think caveman was sitting next to the fire monitoring the sous vide bags he made out of his neighbors intenstines in order to get the perfect mediumrare roast hell no. Only internal temperture caveman cared about was a womans warmth thats a fact.


4. I counted 8 unwritten rules of base ball that Will Farrell broke on Friday when he was playing in every minor league game smh. But unwritten rules are dumb and bad to have. Theres a reason unwritten rules remain unwritten, but you could make the same argument for Anchorman 2.

5. The Cincinatti Bengals pulled off one of the most cunning moves in NFL league football history. Michael Johnson (Pete Priscos 2014 #1 ranked free agent) was signed by the Bucaneers last year and then released after one year. The Bengals get there player back, Johnson is getting $7 million from the Bucs this season, AND the Bengals get a 3rd round compenstory draft pick for losing Johsnon LAST year. Entering uncharted waters for Tampa here, as Florida is use to getting screwed by Bushes not Johnsons. The Bucs are owned by a bunch of brits who think a draft pick is something that you serve at 58 degrees, and the last time Michael Johnson left a bunch of foreign werido losers in his dust so fast he was wearing gold shoes folks.

6. San Franciscos pissed because they have a Bush and not a Gore running the show and I am the first person to make this joke and noones else is allowed to use it without express permission from me. Speaking of Bushes, how come no one ever called George Walker Bush "Johnny Walker Bush" after his DUI. Seems like a real miss opportunity IMO.

7. It is literally the year of "goes both ways." Some science journals are standing up for the rights of studies that DONT prove anything. Scientific advances have long had a bias of only covering new discoverys and have completely ignored the studies that dont really show anything new. There fighting against something called "Publication Bias" which is basicaly reverse racism excpet for people who ask, "How come we dont celebrate the anniversery of all the times we DIDNT land on the moon?"

The ramifications can be deadly. For example, most people dont know that if you cut your leg off with a STIHL chainsaw theres a 60% chance that you WONT die. Got to play the percentages.

8. In a major case of the "Me Toos" now Jeff Fisher is saying that he also had a firstround trade offer for Sam Bradford before deciding that he wanted Nick Foles instead. This is like when your more popular successfull friend in high school tels you he lossed his virginity to a model he knows from summer camp and then you make up your imaginery sex person but you make her slightly less exotic just to be belevable.

9. INDISPUTABLE FACT: "Friends" is literally the worst televison show of all time and its not even close. If you have ever enjoyed a episode of "Friends" please close your internet browser immedately you do not have permisson to read the MMBM.

10. Clarence Sturdivant and Walter Merrick are two best buddys in Harvey Lousana who have a slight disagreement when it comes to there preference in beers. The two are the embodyment of embracing debate when it comes to whether Budweser or Busch is the better tasting bad tasting beer. I absolutely love there passion, in fact, the argument got so heated over which brand was best that Sturdivant took out his shotgun and shot his buddy in the chest with it.

Merrick told investigators that he and Sturdivant were chatting in the parking lot when Sturdivant asked for a beer, a Sheriff's Office incident report said.

Merrick returned with a can of Busch beer -- apparently not Sturdivant's brew of choice. An angry Sturdivant declared his preference for Budweiser, according to the report.

The two men continued to quarrel over beer brands until Merrick said Sturdivant shot him and left, the incident report said.

I dont really blame him. Busch beer is terrible unless you buy there camo pack during hunting season so that the deer dont steal any of it when your trying to shoot them while your drunk. Budweser is clearly the correct side in this argument but then I thought about it for a second and Budweser and Busch are essentally the exact same borign beer, produced in the same brewery. Its like two guys arguing over if the Steelers or the Ravens are better. But then again you have to repsect that type of brand loyalty required to shoot your friend.

11. In a case study as to why stats analytics are literaly useless, Rotoviz came up with a list of the top 208 sports data twitter acounts to follow. Now did they do it through old fashion scouting? No, of course not. They devised there own algorhythm using numbers and stuff:

the following list is the result of some very simple data mining. I found some sports analytics related Twitter accounts, used the Twitter API to see who those people are following, then did some very basic math to determine relevance of the followed accounts to sports analytics (essentially what percent of the accounts followers were made up of the sports analytics seed set).

So these stat nerds used stats to find the best stat twitter acounts and guess what? Im number 48. I think thats the final nail in the coffin for the numbers communty.

This week in Rovell: Rovell indoctrinates his daughter to be a Nazi

Also- Rovell wants you to know that he isnt filling out a bracket again in case your interested. Expect him to keep everyone posted on all the other stuff hes not doing like brushing his teeth or making a phonecall to his wife that dosent get sent to her voicemail.

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