We're required to remind you that these strong takes are SATIRE. Sorry, not sorry. All spelling errors are intentional, we think. -Ed.
Wellcome to the Monday Morning BM,, just a word of warning your probably not prepared to handle the strong football takes and barrelfire NFL truths that you never knew your Mondays were missing. This column is written for and by a REAL fan of the NFL. Its designed to be read on your Monday Morning commode break after a long Sunday eating bad-for-you food and drinking beers. If you care more about SPELLING then you do about TELLING theres the door because this columns not for you.
Draft Day is quickly approaching and all eyes are on the NFL to see if people will still tune in to watch a NFL draft without the billant cross-promotonal tie-in of the "Draft Day" movie that surely drummed up quite a bit more interest then usual for the league.
But its not all milk & honey for the leagues hopefuls- in fact, for some its more stems and seeds then wine and roses. And the league needs to fix it before there the ones who end up up in smoke.
There are very few test that actually mean anything at the combine- the 40 yard dash is antiquated since no one runs for more then 40 yards with the ball anymore before demanding a new contract. The only thing the verticle leap measures is how ineffecent you are at maintaining padlevel. The only two tests that mean a hang anymore are the Wonderlic ( because its important to leak IQ scores of less intelligent players as a treat for the fans), and the drug test. Also the gums examinaton and MRI is importent- most GMs agree that you want a player who cares more about maintaning their healthy joints then smoking them.
Regarding the drug test, the players know for month's that the league will be examining there urine for pot, coke, and other things that make you feel awsome. Conventonal wisdom tells you that youd rather have a film-junkie than a guy who risks life and limb via vending machine accident everytime they get the munchies. If a player tests postive for every kind of recreational drug known to man that just tells me how much cooler they are then anyone else- and if highschool is any indication that means they're probably going to sleep with your wife and buy a motorcyle. All that kind of stuff that equates to lockeroom cancer.
Put it this way temperature-wise: the cooler you are the more Im going to want to fire you just to maintain equilbrium. I come from the philosophy of drafting nerds not turds folks.
Here in the real world if you flunk your drug test, sorry you just dont get hired. Your a HR nightmare waiting to happen and every other industry accept the NFL seems to understand this. Can you imagine the financial disasters that would happen if Wall Street firms were just aloud to hire hot shot stock traders with cocane addictions? Me neither but I can assure you it would be bad.
In fact the NFL might be in violaton of federal law for not reporting there drug test results to the Federal government. Technicaly if you read the law, it says that a positive drug test is enough evidence to arrest you where you stand. Put it this way What if the league tested players DNA aganst a backlog of blood found at murders and they found for example that Bryce Petty was supsected in a cult massacre in Waco of all places? Dont you think that would be pertenent to share with law enforcement? Smoking drugs is the exact same thing just on a slightly smaller scale.
All that said, it still looks like some NFL team is going to take a chance on a certan Cornhusker who only cares about getting plowed.
Nebraska DE Randy Gregory- whose name literaly translates to "Horny Greg", failed the drug test at the combine. Fortunately he only smoked pot so as a defensive lineman I actually apprecate my DE's who spend all their time trying to figure out how to acquire sacks. I like to say the weed test is a idiot test because it tells you which teams are big enough idiots to not draft a guy just because they smoke weed. Alot of folks like to point out that if the United States never drafted anyone who smoked pot in college we would of won the war in Vietnam, and theyre right. But this is the NFL, its bigger then a war, and the only "domino effect" that allowing a stoner like Gregory on your team is going to have is a massive influx of cash to the local pizza franchise.
Now on to the weekly awards:
Road Grader of the Millenium: Chuck Bednarik
The NFL lost one of its original lunchpail throwback guys earlier this month, and his funeral was just last week. Chuck was the grittiest damn sonofabitch who ever gave hell to folks' asses on Sundays. He was the last player to literaly go both ways on offense and defense. The man used bear mace as binaca and masturbated with sandpaper. I use to pretend I was Chuck Bednarik whenever Id play tackle football verse my dog, or even when Id just try and see how many beers I could drink in a hour by myself. He was a gritty legend of the game,, and I think its a good time to just revisist a FHM interview he did back in 2005 where he talked about everything.
When I played, we went both ways, we stayed on the field. I was in good condition. And the positions that I played—center and linebacker—I was hitting on every play. I made contact on every single play. A defensive halfback? This jerk Deion Sanders? He couldn’t tackle my wife, to start with.
And heres his take on the time he hit Frank Gifford so hard that Hoda Kotb felt it that one time she had a few to many glasses of chardonnay at the company Christmas party and did some things that she agreed she woudnt talk about again.
I don’t think Gifford ever saw me, and he sure as hell can’t remember now. But as soon as he caught that ball, I hit him chest-high with my shoulder and forearm. His head snapped backwards, the ball flew in the air, and one of our guys, Chuck Weber, fell on the ball. Mind you, we’re ahead 17-13, and they’re driving down for the winning score. This was on the 9-yard-line. I saw Chuck Weber land on the ball, and unbeknownst to me, Gifford is out light a light behind me, stretched out on the ground. I clenched a fist and said "This…fucking…game…is…OVER!" That’s what you see in that famous picture. Some people say I was doing a war dance over his body. But I didn’t know until I turned back around that he was laid out.That’s what I still do sometimes when I autograph that photo. I’ll ask someone if the want the whole autograph, the whole thing. If they do, I’ll write, "This…fucking…game…is…OVER! Chuck Bednarik." Or sometimes I’ll put in f-dash-dash-dash. I figure that’s okay, ’cause I’m not using the name of God in vain. That’s just what I just figure is an "expletive."
But perhaps Bednariks best defensive play of all time came when he literaly saved the world from a guy named Adolf Hitler- you might of heard of him. Chuck was a pilot in WWII who flew 30 bombing missons over Germany. When he was asked about his generaton, he responded in the toughest, coolest, grizzledest way possible:
These wars today…that’s stupid. Iraq and stuff? We had a guy, Hitler, he wanted to dominate the world, and I think had we not stopped him…good God, he might have done it. He had already conquered most of Europe.
This is just the best. According to Bernarik, the wussificaton of America extends to our enemys. Not only have NFL cornerbacks gone soft these days, but so have the worlds murderous ruthless dictators. We had real enemys and not this pussycat stuff where anyone who ever orders a couple stray shipments of aluminium tubes on a three-day weekend is put into the Axis of Evil.
Fan of the Week: Shayanna Jenkins
(Image via ProFootballTalk shoutout to Mike Florio for the image good lookin out fam)
Aaron Hernandezs fiancee is testifying this week but shes refusing to rat on him. She was caught on camera removing what is supsected to be the murder weapon, but she is maintaing that she didnt know what was in the box Hernendez asked her to dispose of. Her defense is pretty much "I didnt know what was in the box Aaron told me hurriedley to throw away, nor do I know where I threw it away after I wrapped it in a trash bag then drove around some places I dont remember going."
See this is why Hernandez is so tough to matchup against. Hes to big to take to trial, to fast to get caught in the act, and he inspires the people around him to jump of a cliff if he asked them. Shanaya Jenkins is showing aboslutely stunning perjury discipline here by maintaining this wierd story that might end up getting her in trouble down the line. Regardless of your feelings about whether or not hes guilty, you have to admit that Shayanna Jenkins is the biggest Aaron Hernandez fan in the game.
Joe Flacco Elite-O-Meter:
It has been my contenton that Joe Flacco is whats known as Baldingers Cat- both Elite and Not Elite at the same time. Each week MMBM will track Joe Flaccos performence in order to determine once and for all the answer to the unanserable NFL debate: Is Joe Flacco a Elite NFL quarterback?
I challenge every MMBM reader to find a QB whose in the news less than Joe Flacco this offseason. The biggest thing hes done is he's been pictured carrying his baby in a Bjorn. Thats it. Flaccos been putting his Eliteness in the hands of reporters who are writing offseason columns comparing people to him instead of owning his own narrative and thats deeply concerning to me.
This week, analysts are spending every waking moment trying to figure out if Marcus Mariota is going to be more of a Jamarcus Mariota type NFL quarterback, and alot of this analysis centers around his laid back attitude. Kind of a cowabunga type mahalo guy. There concerned that hes not emotional enough to lead a team, but Mel Kiper seems to think it goes both ways, and that a Joe Flacco type has had plenty of success.
Speaking on a conference call, ESPN draft analyst Mel Kiper defended Mariota, mentioning Flacco and Manning in the process.
"Look at those guys, you can spin it either way," Kiper said. "When they’re winning, they’re calm cool collected, and when they’re not, they don’t have enough take charge in them.
The NFL is a Not For Long league and if he dont produce, Marcus will find himself once again hearing the same word he was greeted with on draft day- "Aloha."
I think all this talk about the cool calm demeanor that both Flacco and Mariota exhume needs to be taken to its logical conclusion. We need to ask some very serous, troubling questions here. Given their complete and total lack of emotions I think that its very likely that both Marcus Mariota and Joe Flacco are sociopaths. Its a fine line between the lectric player and the electric chair folks, and the last thing the Ravens need is another image crises for them to screw up. You want a guy whose going to be want to know how to improve, but not curous enough to start killing cats and stuff. I want my QB to play like a wild animal not torture them. Speaking of beating a dead horse, this weeks Joe Flacco rating is: Is Joe Flacco Elite?
10 Things I Know I Know:
1. Id like to congradulate the NFL players on making it a entire week without retiring. But unfortunately it seems like College Football is yet again copying the NFLs innovations as Michigan Center Jack Miller decided he was going to abort his career before it even started. Now all the PC aplogists are out in force supporting Millers right to choose what he does with his own body. Memo to Miller- its called being "Pro Choice" not "Amateur Choice", and your right to choose stops where my right to watch quality competitive football begins.
2. Speaking of quitting did you know Sam Bradford allmost quit last year when he tore his ACL? I didnt, but thats just because like every other American I dont pay attenton to any news about the Rams.
3. Thoughts and prayers go out to 1 Directon fans worldwide who lost there drummer Zayn to lead singers disease. Just throwing this out there but if 1D is looking for a new member they should have a veterans combine where your Ringo Starrs and your Scott Reynars can get a tryout. Or even better idea- hire a certan former NFL player:
With his brother Darren on guitar, Doug plays drums in the Flutie Brothers Band, and once played for Boston at a tribute honoring Doug... Flutie endorsed Scott Brown for U.S. Senate in Massachusetts for 2010, and the Flutie Brothers Band played at Brown's victory celebration.
Given how much he loves Dropkicks, youd think Flutie would be more of a irish Punk type dummer then a blues guy but the point stands- 1 Direction should hire him if they want a superstar drummer who can keep there average height under 5'5.
4. Speaking of 1D- you know who else goes One Direction? John Kuhn= North/South.
5. Colts Head Coach Chuck Pagano is enetering the last season of his contract this year. In other words Chip Kelly isnt the only lame Duck coach in the league anymore. The last thing the world needs is another unemployed Italian, no offense, but make no mistake- Chuck is going to be coaching like his job depends on it. Also, do to Indianas religous freedom bill, league sources are telling me that Irsay is strongly considering converting to Christian Sciencist so that he can fire Pagano for retroactively treating his cancer without diffusing essental oils or healing christals. Big storyline to watch.
6. So true..
Life isn't measured by the amount of breathes we take...it's the moments that take our breathe away!!— Aaron Hernandez (@AaronHernandez) December 23, 2011
In other news Aaron Hernendez is your college girlfriends AIM profile. One thing people forget to remember about Hernandez is the vast majority of his tattoos are actualy lyrics from the Dixie Chicks and the Ataris.
7. The PC Bobbies in England have banned a pig name "Francis Bacon" has been from drinking beers at a London pub. It seems Bacon woud get loaded and then headbutt people who tried to take his beer away and was becoming a bit of a nusance. Classic Brits being more concerned about good behavior then being fun to hang out with IMO.
Welcome to the "Squeal World" England- its what happens when pigs stop being polite,, and start being real. If I had a nickle for everytime Ive been kicked out of a bar after headbutting someone when I got cut off, Id have enough money to have paid my tab in the first place.
If Im Roger Goodell, Im looking at this incident hard when it comes to my oversaes expansion plans. If bars are cutting off hairy animals for getting drunk and fighting, how are they going to handle a entire pub full of NFL fans? Memo to the nation of the United Kingdom- its called "MANners" not "WOMANners."
8. My Michael Sam Google alert went bonkers this morning. You see, a anonymous bisexual NFL player spoke with TMZ (more like TMI folks) about Sams interview where he said that there are other NFL players that he knows are gay "but they do not have the same courage as I do to come out before I even played a down in the NFL."
Well this bisexual player has a ironic message for Sam- goes both ways.
"As a bisexual man, I just feel like Michael Sam does not speak for all gay men."
"He has his own opinion ... but DON'T say that we don't have the courage to come out. It's totally wrong. Just speak for yourself. No one else."
By telling the other players there not as courageous as he is, Sam actualy gave these guys a enormous amount of bulletin board material. Say what you want about Michael Sam but he is the best openly Gay NFL player in league history and hes putting that all on the line here. Hes jeopardizing that legacy by challenging other players to come out but to be the man youve got to beat the man. Hes talking a little trash and getting inside his opponets heads a little bit which I admire.
(H/T emailer Mark)
9. Peter King is reporting that the NFL is considering docking the Falcons a draft pick for there pumping in crowd noise in the Georgia Dome. Well if fake screaming in extasy is illegal then how many draft picks can I take away from my ex-wife? Thats what I want to know.
10. NFL owners have passed the rule proposal banning the use of ineligible receivers like the Patriots did in the AFC divisional playoffs.
— Baltimore Ravens (@Ravens) March 25, 2015
This is like in 1996 when Japan tweeted that the UN appeal court ruled that your not allowed to use nuclear weapons anymore.
11. Fox News stole my take about concussons and climate change both being junk science and ran it as there own.Now Im not saying that I wouldnt leave SB Nation in a heartbeat to get on a masthead with Todd Starnes, but if your going to use my takes, at least give me credit for inventing them thats all.
12. I call him "Chris Kyle" Orton because hes a true American with pin point accuracy who knew exactley when to get out of the battle. He pushed his luck on one last tour of duty in Buffalo and came out strong but he needed to get home before Rex Ryans QB-killing offfense took over. Ryan has a track record of hiring guys like Marty Morningwheg and Brian Schottenheimer, which is like if your a soldier on the front lines and your President signs Robert Mcnamara and Henry Kissinger to a futures contract.
This Week In Jay Mariotti: Jay is habitualy lying about the temperature in San Francisco, for some reason:
So we all know that American sweetheart Jay Mariotti is back in the game, writing sports colums for the San Francisco Examiner. But hes developed this wierd thing where he always has to tell you how great San Francisco is, weatherwise. Its truly bizarre. Anyhoo, I set up a "Union Square, San Francisco" location in my weather app so I can factcheck Jay in realtime whenever he tweets out a temperature update. Here are the results so far:
Reader MailPail: Uber Gets It
Uber gets alot of shit for misusing their "God-View" feature but it looks to me like they've gotten it right:
That happened to me this morning. In your opinion, which NFL draft prospect needs their own personal Jesus to pick them in an Uber. Randall Gregory? Jameis Winston?
If God charged surge pricing then it would cost a million dollars to get a priest to do last rites just saying.
As for your queston James, I think Todd Gurley needs to get UberX on a one-way fare to a confessonal booth. The way he charged people so much money for his autogrpahs makes you wonder how many loans he was taking from future agents. Usury is against the law in the Bible, which is ironic because if I'm a NFL GM, I would have a complete and total lack of interest in a players like that.