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Too many men on the field? NFL hires first woman ref, joins the war on masculinity

Not to be sexist, but ...

Chuck Cook-USA TODAY Sports

We're required to remind you that these strong takes are SATIRE. Sorry, not sorry. All spelling errors are intentional, we think. -Ed.

Close your eyes. Close them.

There not closed yet, I can tell because your reading this.

Ok, now that there closed I want you to envision a scenario- its 4th and inches in the 4th quater of the Superbowl, Andrew Luck takes the snap, hands it to Frank Gore who gets hit in the backfield and the whistle blows  before his knee touches the ground then he fumbles and JJ Watt returns the ball 99 yards for a TD. But it doesnt count, because the referee blew the play dead before Gore was tackled.

Now open your eyes and think about the dumbass ref who just literally blew the Superbowl.

The referee was a woman, you sexist.

This excercise is literally the NFLs dream scenario with their hire of there first female official, Sarah Thomas. Im waiting on all the press releases for whenever they hire their next man referee but I guess Im going to be waiting a while on that one. Sarah Thomas was born with two first names allmost like right off the bat she wanted to let everyone else know how important it was for her to get all the attenton, and now here she is breaking the NFLs gender barrier.

Listen- Im not a sexist, I understand that women are immenently qualified, perhaps even moreso then men to do a job that consists solely of judging other peoples actions. I can admit that. Dont get me wrong Im really happy theres a female ref but what if like she has her time of the month during a game? What about that? Its called MENstrating not WOMENstrating for a reason, and I just think I would be weirded out and think about that way to much and it would create a distraction for me and everyone I was talking to about it. Thats not a opinion, thats is a fact and Im sorry if its not PC or whatever.

The biggest issue is the law of unintended consquences. Sure it might sound great in a press release but what if she ends up being better then her male counterparts? The NFL is a copycat league and if a female offical is running up the score in her performance evaluations then what if they fire all the male refs and only hire women? If our founding fathers had put Betsy Ross out on the battlefield throwing flags instead of knitting them we would of never beaten England and we'd all be speaking British right now.

The hire itself begs alot of questons in terms of how it will effect the gameplay. Like if she gets a player mad at her is she just going to like flirt with his best friend on the other team or is she going to handle it like a man and throw a flag into his retina? If shes refing a Browns game is she going to make them stop and ask for directons on how to get to the end zone? And lets not forget, if Ed Hoculi gets to where shirts that show off his biceps they should force her to wear one that shows of her cleavage- oh but wait I guess women only want equal rights when its comvenient for them. Goes both ways. Just doesnt seem like the leagues thought this one through.

I thought as a society were moving on from putting Scarlet Letters on things and now were making a woman wear "BJ" on her shirt and Im suppose to behave myself? What about MY rights?

And before you start acusing me of being sexist, I dont care what you are as long as you can ref. You could be short, blind, quadprelegiac, a serial killer- hell you could even be a woman- all that matters to me is that you dont call "improper touching" as often as my ex-wife folks!

But serously, its time someone blew the whistle on the NFLs practice of only doing press releases when a woman ref gets hired. The NFL still has yet to make a male hire on the Moms football panel headed by Christine Golic. If a woman can be a referee then why cant a man be a mom? Cant have it both ways.

This is a very slippery slope- no offense to Sonny Bono and we have to be very carful when we're tripping all overselves to get too PC.  First we let women ref then whats next, women soldiers? I know its a throw-first league, but I liked it better when the NFL was aggressive- not passive aggressive folks.