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MMBM: The NBA continues its assault on the NFL, common decency

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Just disgusting, folks.

Jeremy Brevard-USA TODAY Sports

We're required to remind you that these strong takes are SATIRE. Sorry, not sorry. All spelling errors are intentional, we think. -Ed.

Wellcome to the Monday Morning BM,, just a word of warning your probably not prepared to handle the strong football takes and barrelfire NFL truths that you never knew your Mondays were missing. This column is written for and by a REAL fan of the NFL. Its designed to be read on your Monday Morning commode break after a long Sunday eating bad-for-you food and drinking beers. If you care more about SPELLING then you do about TELLING theres the door because this columns not for you.

The NBA is continuing its annual assault against they NFL and common decency again folks. It seems like these guys get caught up in there club fights or drug deals, or as Mark Cuban pointed out, there manufactured rape charges against star players all engineered to increase basketball ratings when the world should be spending more time preparing various NFL mock drafts and taking mental reps for their favorite football teams OTAs.

Well there greed knows no bounds as Charlotte Hornets owner Nelly was arrested for posseson of meth on Saturday night in Tenneesee. Nelly whose real name is Cornell Haynes needs to spend more time thinking about his pseudoname then his psuedophedrine folks. This proves my point about the NBA being a thug league. you would never see this kind of druggie nonesense from a NFL owner.

It will be intresting to see how the NBA handles this one given the whole DOnald Sterling fiasco. Adam Silver has already demonstrated himself to be a reverse racist of the highest order, if hes so dead set on banning owners for using the NWord on awkward sounding recordings from a man who hasnt been intelligible since 2004 you I could just point him to Nellys entire music catalog folks.

But getting busted for meth could be excusable I suppose if your ok with your owner being the only one on your team who actually hits the glass. But the more I think about it the more I realize that Nelly has been a meth addict his entire life. What other explanation could there be for deciding to do that duet with Tim McGraw.

In retrospect I wonder how we as a nation could be so stupid as to never suspect the guy who literaly had badagaes all over his face of being a tweaker.

Now on to the weekly awards:

Road Grader of the Week: NFL Draft Expert Mike Mayock

Its Mike Mayocks world and were all just living in it. The NFL Networks draft expert has us rapped around his little finger begging for updates to his bigboard. Mel Kiper has become draft Myspace folks, hes to distracting=- his hair is basicaly customizible wallpaper and when he starts screaming for no real reason its like a autoplay videos when all your looking for is a clean user freindly UI that Mayock gives to you without all the frills. Sure Mayocks boring but so is facebook.

But heres the thing, hes had literaly 2 years to assemble all the film and gather all the intellgence on Jameis Winston. he had him listed as the number 1 overall pick until last week. Then everything changed and all of the sudden Marcus Mariota is his number 1 QB. This led crys from the PC Police that he was just changing his picks to generate conversaton about himself and to get more attention which coudnt be farther from the truth. Well guess what PC police you've argued yourself into a corner once again.

If you look at the entire history of the planet earth and the recorded temperatures that go back millions of years (somehow before we even had thermometers, try explaining that one by the way) and then you think that humans in the passed 50 years have changed the earths temperature, thats the exact same ratio of time that Mike Mayock is using to say that Jamies Winstons draft stock has plummeted despite his proportionally lengthy eons of playing in NCAA. So if you believe in man-made climate change, you also have to believe that what Winston has done in the past 2 weeks has fully negated 2 years of winning on and off the field. Cant have it both ways.

Fan of the Week: New Jersey Devils Head Coaches Adam Oates, Lou Lamoriello, and Scott Stevens

I dont know why I havent heard more about this but the Devils literaly have 3 head coaches. Continuing the proud New Jersey coaching legacy of Greg Schiano and Mike Rice, the head coaches decided that they werent going to be giving out there little annual awards because the team didnt earn any of them. That means no team MVP, no Players Player award, no Unsung Hero award (btw, LOVE how theres a "players player" AND a "unsung hero" award.) Its a solid victory against the creeping spectre of participaton trophies and I for one hope little leagues across the country go back to the old ways of not giving out trophys to little kids unless there better at a sport than another group of kids for their own good.

Joe Flacco Elite-O-Meter:

It has been my contenton that Joe Flacco is whats known as Baldingers Cat- both Elite and Not Elite at the same time. Each week MMBM will track Joe Flaccos performence in order to determine once and for all the answer to the unanserable NFL debate: Is Joe Flacco a Elite NFL quarterback?

This week Joe Flacco gave some quasi-elitish quotes to Peter King in the MMQB about Troy Polamolu:

I am a man of few words, and so is Troy, but I do know I’ll tell my children and grandchildren I was lucky enough to play in these games, and lucky enough to play against Troy so many times. Troy’s an example of the right way to do things, on the field and off the field. Such a great competitor on every play, and he treats everyone the right way. That’s the right way to handle yourself. The image he had, the example he set … he just did it right."

Troys a man of few words. The Calvin Coolidge of NFL quaterbacks. Coolidge was perhaps the best United States president of this century, he literaly took two hour naps every day after lunch. One thing voters could stand to learn coming into 2016 is a well rested President is more importent then a well breasted President. Joe is all class here when paying homage to Troy but his comments are a trojan horse filled entirely with bulletin-board material for the Steelers. He talks so much about Palamolu being the only guy they game plan for its allmost like he's disrespecting everyone out there who's not Troy Polamolu.

If Big Bens BAC ever dropped below a .08 he would be able to read between the lines here and use it as a tool for extra motivation.

So I love Joes confidence but not so much a fan of the fact that hes giving extra motivation to literally every NFL player that didn't retire on Friday. Could be seen as irresponsible, but forunately the Ravens brought in Matt Schaub to back him up, which gives other teams the opposite of bulletin board material since his mere presence will pump up opposing defenses self confidence to dangerously high levels, so all and all, its a wash.

flacco

This weeks rating is: Is Joe Flacco Elite?

10 Things I Know I Know:

1. Speaking of the Ravens, Tyrann Mattheiu had some intresting facts about Edgar Allen Poe to share with us on twitter last night:

Edgar Allen Poe was addicted to many things- finishing school, having intact ACLs, etc. But I literaly cant find one shred of evidents that he ever used or was addicted to PCP. Im not saying its impossible to become addicted to a substance that wont be invented until 100 years after your death but I am saying maybe Mattheiru should be more focused on beating the Seahawks then butchering the Raven.

2. One New Jersey reader got a mega-dose of humble when she tried to get all PC police about a newspapers spelling mistake. You see The Suffolk Times wrote a article in which the headline was a seemingly innocuous "Their place at the table."

But you have to get up pretty early in the morning to fool the Suffolk readership. One eagle-eye reader called in to express her disgust with the misspelling of the word "Their":

With her voice on the speakerphone, the unidentified reader quizzed White on the spelling of  "their," asking "you think that is the correct spelling of that word?"

After the woman explains it should "i-e-r", she adds, "Well, you tell me how you guys came up with it, because I can’t find it in any dictionary, and I went to college, and I was taught it was t-h-i-e-r. Google it and let me know… I can hold."

After White patiently explains that he is "kind of busy," the conversation proceeds to go downhill with the woman accusing him of "unprofessionalism," before saying it "looks f*cking lousy on the front page of your paper to have a common word spelled incorrectly."

First of all she should know telling is more importent the spelling anyways, but on the other hand shes so fired up you cant help but root for her. I feel like Oxford should make a exception due to her passion on this one. She is so convincing she had me believing her and I had to look it up myself . Just give her a listen:

3. The Ted Wells investgation is entering its 12th week to figure out if someone took air out of a football. Alot of people including myself are giving Ted Wells alot of shit about how long he's been working on this investigation. After all, the two greatest accomplishments known to man- God made the entire world in under a week, and "Loose Change" was filmed in what looks to of been over the course of one high school snowday- so youd think Tedd Wells could puke together a measly report about air pressure. But the more I think about it the more I realize the Patriots are about to get screwed again.

I'll put it this way, we're still waiting on the United States to put out a offical report about whether or not Saddam Hussein had weapons of mass destructon right? Its because theres to much evidence and documents about how many WMDs were recovered and they need to take the time to get all the facts in order before releasing it. The only reasonable concluson is that the NFL has got more smoking guns providing more evidence to lock the Patriots up then the british did at bunker hill folks.

The NFL is a image league, and Robert Kraft is begging the commish to hold off on publishing the report until after the draft is over and also after the Patriots have sent out there season ticket invoices. The last thing the Patriots need is a blow to there pristine reputation of being a ethcal football team who employ the highest moral standard when it comes to there players. I think we still have another 12 weeks to go before the report is finish but just in time for the Friday before Memorial Day weekend. If I had to guess Id say there going to fine Belichick a million dollars and hes going to cut himself for being a distracton. When will this team ever catch a break?

4. JJ Watt completed a 61 inch box jump. Or did he?

Calling it right now- its a fake video. He tweeted like a month ago that he coudnt do the 61 inch jump with a running start and now hes nailing it standing still and it just so happen to come out the same day as he announces a new shoe deal with Reebok??

Then when he gets on top he immedately says "It must be the shoes?" More like "It must be the sHGHoes" folks. Give. me. a. brake. Fake as heck. I am a JJ Watt truther and there are 2 reasons I can think of that this is another fake brand stunt. In the first place its actualy a disadvantage to being able to leap into the air. Low man wins and your making your center of gravity so high that Darren Sproles will reverse hurdle you and make you leapfrog him as hes knifing his way to paydirt. In the second place this was obvously not filmed in a log cabin, which is where JJ has told us he is working out. Nice try JJ but your not fooling anyone.

I understand JJ likes to tell people how hungry he is, so I guess you could say that this PR stunt Goebbles it up.

5. Jim Dent is a sportswriter from Texas who is publishing a book about Johnny Football alled "Manziel Mania. He also happen's to be the Cal Ripken Jr of racking up DWIs. He has been caught driving drunk 10 times and is now in jail in Calirforna waiting for sentencing for his latest indescreton- fleeing to Mexico on bail instead of going to trial.

Dent wrote "The Junction Boys" about Texas A&M under Bear Bryant which is generaly regarded as the "Friday Night Lights" of college football which is ironic because I call this guy Buzzed Bissinger.

Lets talk like grownups here ok. PC police and MILFS Against Drunk Driving or whatever this isnt about you. This is a AB conversation so why dont you C your way out of it. Or in the roadside language Dents more familar with, this is a ZY conversaton so Im going to have to X you to leave. The fact is, according to Malcom Gladwell, if you log 10,000 hours of any thing your a master of it. While no one can be a "master" of drunk driving, Dent is clearly a master of getting CAUGHT for drunk driving. Big difference. Hes actualy probably the worst drunk driver in the world.

Think about this- Ive got some buddys who have 3 DWIs and they get thrown in jail for a year. When they get out they have to have a breathalyzer on there van or a alcohol monitor hooked up to there blood at all times. The drive and dedicaton you would have to have to even get a 4th DWI is Jerry Rice-like in terms of commitment. But Dent has somehow managed to get 10, showing remarkable effecency at some stretches throughout his career:

One of his DWI arrests came on the very day he was released from jail for a previous DWI.

The best drunk drivers are like a good referee, you dont even know there their, and their names certainly dont show up on the stat sheets. But you have to take your hat off to Dent in that he is probably the best worst drunk driver of all time.

6. Kevin Van Valkenberg of ESPN wrote a great profile of Julian Edelman that you all should read. its a beautifull portrait of the hardest worker-bee on the planet. It talks about how instead of pounding beers and chasing loose women like a certain Pats TE Julians basicaly in the film-room of life all the time when it comes to his nutritonal choices:

Edelman is living the life of a football monk. A mere 40 days into his offseason -- a time when most players are still recovering from the grind of a long year -- he insists on eating nothing but edamame and drinking ice water (with lemon) for lunch while he chats.

Thats the difference between Edelman and Gronk one tells the waiter "Yo soy fiesta" and the other says "Yo Soyfrijoles."

7. Troy Polamalu was a breath of fresh air during his career. But like so many undependable players before him , the head and Shoulders spokesman just decided to flake out on his teamates. More like a SHAMpoo folks. Being in the NFL is like being a soldier in a war and hes literaly deserting his teammates before his tour is over by retiring when hes ready, instead of waiting to be uncermoneously cut in training camp.

The bad news for Troy is hes going to be running up against Darren Sharper when it comes to hall of fame voting and even though your not allowed to take off the field concerns into account, I still prefer a free safety over a incarcerated safety folks.

8. "That Smell" by Lynrynd Skynyrd is perhaps the most perfect rock'n'roll song ever written.

9. The NFL should revamp there draft format to make it more supsenseful for the fans. I think they need to spread it out so its one round per day and the draft takes up a entire week instead of this rapid-fire 4 day draft nonesense. Every year I get a vasectomy for the NCAA tournments first two rounds so I have a excuse to just sit on my buddys couch for 4 days without doing anything, and you can better believe I would go in for a double-dip if the league would finally give the fans what they want with a 7-day draft.

10. The Aaron Hernendez jury has been deliberating for about a week now and I think its a very real possiblity that he gets off with just having to apologize that the Lloyd family got offended by there sons murder. The defenses case is remarkable in its simplicity. There argument basicaly boils down to the fact that Hernendez was so obviously the murderer that it's allmost fishy. In law school the first thing they teach you is that its allways the person you least suspect, so what would that teach us about a unsolved murder in Bristol Connecticut?

Well you might recall that ESPN is base in Bristol. Aaron Hernandez was sponsored by Puma and Muscle Milk. Perhaps some sports business folks at ESPN were offended by the fact that Hernendez was getting sponsors by brands who werent offical NFL parterns. Perhaps it was someone who has a long history of passonately defending Gatorade and Under Armor over all other sports drinks and apparels who had a vested intrest in seeing Hernandez go away. Thats right, I beleve that Darren Rovell could be directley responsbile for the set-up of Aaron Hernandez. Its the assassnation of the Archduke Franz Ferdibrand in a attempt to set off the powderkeg of sports busness partnerships. Spread the word. #RovellTheMurderer

Also, per Buzzfeeds Lindsey Adler, Hernandez has now offically caught more charges (19) then touchdowns (18) which puts him in to a Elite class of criminal athlete.

11. Noticed somthing strange about Jay Mariottis twitter account folks. He has deleted his two recent tweets were he is caught lying by me about the current temperature in San Francisco. Not sure what to make of this, but it strongley implys that Jay knew he had been busted embellishing how nice the weather is and is basically admitting that he walks around Market Square holding my pocket like hes my jailpunk.

Please stay tune to the MMBM for continuing coverage of Jay Mariotti lying about temperatures to make his twitter followers jealous of his luxourious and pleasant west coast lifestyle.

This Week In Rovell: Darren mistakes a ProShop for a Gift shop even after being corrected but it turns out the story wasn't real anyways:

Oh but wait...

Reader MailPail:

I'm not sure the path I went down to end up writing to you at my desk where I'm a good and faithful servant to my job, but hell, here I am.

I've been a Buffalo Bills fan since they drafted Peerless Price at WR in the 1999 draft, which was, coincidentally, the last time they went to the playoffs. Now I've had some pretty long droughts in my life over the years but this is getting ridiculous.

Any words of wisdom? Do I keep being a fan? Do I off myself now and save myself the pain? And what the hell is with the Braves getting rid of Kimbrell? 

I hope that I'm alive to see your response.

-Andrew Heckathorn

I've been a Buffalo Bills fan since they drafted Peerless Price at WR in the 1999 draft, which was, coincidentally, the last time they went to the playoffs. Now I've had some pretty long droughts in my life over the years but this is getting ridiculous.

Any words of wisdom? Do I keep being a fan? Do I off myself now and save myself the pain? And what the hell is with the Braves getting rid of Kimbrell? 

I hope that I'm alive to see your response.

Heres my take on the Bills. Anytime you have a Rex Ryan as youre head coach, thats a instant reason to follow your team. Your never going to abandon Rex because the second you do hes going to say something outragously hilarious during a press conference or release another tape of him teabagging his wifes vibram 5fingers. So the answer is no, please wait to commit suicide until after the Bills fire Rex Ryan and bring Chan Gaily back as head coach. At that point your free to do as you please.