clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:

MMBM: Tim Tebow is the Jackie Robinson of the NFL

The week's most important NFL column is back, folks

Tommy Gilligan-USA TODAY Sports

We're required to remind you that these strong takes are SATIRE. Sorry, not sorry. All spelling errors are intentional, we think. -Ed.

Wellcome to the Monday Morning BM,, just a word of warning your probably not prepared to handle the strong football takes and barrelfire NFL truths that you never knew your Mondays were missing. This column is written for and by a REAL fan of the NFL. Its designed to be read on your Monday Morning commode break after a long Sunday eating bad-for-you food and drinking beers. If you care more about SPELLING then you do about TELLING theres the door because this columns not for you.

Is the NFL ready for a QB like Tim Tebow? I guess we'll find out.

For what seems like forever, the position of dual-threat QB has been dominated by a prejudicial mindset that prevented White players from ever even being considered for the job. There was so much instutional racism incorporated into the sport of football that until today, White athletes like Tim Tebow werent ever given the opportunity to succeed at the read-option quaterback position, instead they were encouraged to play traditionally "white" positions like pocket-passer quarterback, or team owner. Well that all changed with the stroke of a pen as yesterdays news broke that Tim Tebow is signing with the Philadelpha Eagles, making history as the first White, male, Christian dual threat quaterback. Chip Kelly is a innovator, adapting some misdirection into his fast paced offense and evolving the Wishbone into the Praybone folks.

Jackie Robinson is a hero of mine. The way he carried himself with such class and dignity was a inspiraton for millions of Americans who would go on to waste those lessons by committing there lives to Rock 'n' roll and pot smoking. I dont compare people to Jackie lightley, but I think that if your honest with yourself, what he a complished is the perfect analogy for what Tim Tebow is doing right before our very eyes.

One day this team is going to have a movie made after it. Tebow and Riley Cooper struggling through oppresson to make it as the first White athletic QB/Wide Receiver duo in the history of the league is literally Oscar-worthy, but ironically the grouches and professonal race account-managers like your Al Sharptons would try to make sure the footage ends up in a trash can. In realtiy, we know better. And "Hard Knocks- the 2015 Philadelpha Eagles" would be our generations "Selma."

Its also ironic that athiest NFL fans who believe in science dont believe that Tebows throwing motion could evolve fast enough to compete for a job in the league. Make up your minds, or do you just believe in your "theories" when its convenient for you?

File this one away in the chess verse checkers department. Chip Kelly is engaging in psychological warfare verse the rest of the NFL. By doing the unthinkable and signing the guy whose widely regarded by everyone else as the worst QB in the history of the NFL, Chip is the guy whose in a street fight and takes his clothes off entireley and starts putting cigarettes out on his own nipples before the fight starts and his opponet gets freaked the fuck out and runs away scared of the big crazy man. No one wants to fight a crazy guy. So technically by getting rid of DeSean Jackson, LeSean McCoy, Jeremy Maclin, Mike Vick, and Nick Foles and bringing in Sam Bradford and Tim Tebow and Mark Sanchez, Chips allready won the mental half before he's even taken the field.

Theres another element at play here that makes this signing even better for the Eagles. Signing Tebow to run the scout team every week going up verse the first stringers could be a real ego boost for his defense of backs. Kellys defense was his Achillehes heel last year and he just needs his secondary to play with confidents. Tims known as perhaps the worst practice quaterback of all time, so putting him back there throwing deflectons and INTs at a unprecedented rate would literally be like batting practice for his teammates. What better guy to run the tip drill then a QB who spends his summer performing circumcisons folks? You know who else ran a terrible practice but executed when it counted? Jack Kevorkian. Say what you want about his methods and mechanics but the NFL is a Win/Loss league and Dr. Death was 130-1 verse the Grim Reaper.

SB Nation presents: Chip Kelly's wild offseason

Now on to the weekly awards:

Road Grader of the Week: Danny "The Newsboy" Woodhead

Danny Woodhead is hands down the runaway favorite to win Comeback Player of the Year, but now you can probly go ahead and pencil him in for MVP as well. The Newsboy did a exclusive interview with Ricky Henne of the San Diego Chargers where he detailed just how hungry he is to be back in the acton heading into this year. (Spoiler alert, hes hungrier than ever).  You may remember Dannys 2014 season was cut short (no offense to Brett Farves mohel) by a broken fibula. The fibula bone itself is alot like Danny, its a small bone thats low to the ground- and you dont even know you need it til its gone. Unfortunatley they buried the lede in this article which contained some fantastic, humbling nuggets about what Danny thinks of a certain football analyst:

Perhaps the most famous Woodhead fan is one of Twitters highest regarded NFL follows– the {redacted} PFTCommenter.  The account has gleaned cult status, partially due to his unabashed fandom for Woodhead.  So what does the running back think of his number one fan?

"I actually finally followed him because people kept tweeting at me about him!" he said with a laugh.  "Every time I looked at what he said I thought it was hilarious.  It’s funny the stuff people say, and he is a prime example of what is great about social media.  He says some funny stuff, and he gets some good stuff at me.  I think it is hilarious.   I mean, there are certain people and things you don’t want to read at all on social media, but then there are things like what he says about me.  And he’s funny.  I read it and kind of grin, and even though I am sitting there by myself, I look at my phone and say, ‘Yeah, that is kind of funny.’  So I do find it fun.  He doesn’t do anything that is crazy with me, so I think he is funny and I like looking at his stuff."

Just so unbelevably humbling. Danny if your reading this right now I want you to know that

1. you shouldnt be reading your own news clippings, but if you are

2. goes both ways buddy.

Fan of the Week: Chicago Cubs fans

A new Wrigley field traditon was born over the weekend to go along with there old ones of pretending that your not freezing your balls off and acting like building a brick wall as the boundarys of your sports field is a good idea. The new traditon is to try and catch balls in your beer cup and then when you do, you have to chug the beer with the ball still in it.

Like most irrational traditions, this one was invented by women no offense. Watch here in the 9th inning of Saturdays game verse the Sand Diego Padres as my future wife takes the L train South to Boozevelt:

One thing that diminsih this here: Its the 9th inning. Beer sales end in the 7th. Im suppose to be impressed that you were able to chug a beer that you should of finished 6 outs ago? Not impressed.

Then on Sunday this guy caught a ball in his cup:

Its happened. Baseball has disrupted the NFL in terms of the in-game stadum fan experience. The NFL needs to get with the times and develop buckets of beer for thirsty fans that are big enough to fit a regulation football into them. Either evolve or die.

Joe Flacco Elite-O-Meter: Tech Support weighs in

It has been my contenton that Joe Flacco is whats known as Baldingers Cat- both Elite and Not Elite at the same time. Each week MMBM will track Joe Flaccos performence in order to determine once and for all the answer to the unanserable NFL debate: Is Joe Flacco a Elite NFL quarterback?

The new hottest internet meme isnt Tebowing folks, its Flaccoing. Thats when you ask livechat tech support staffers to play a little buy or sell in regards to whether or not Joe Flacco is a Elite QB in the National Football League. We've seen the movement really pick up some steam over the passed couple weeks as we get closer and closer to answering the unaswerable question:

The first comes to us courtsy of Eric Stangel:

The next take is from reader Jeremy:

And then the most recent comes from Dan, who found him self engaged in a livechat with a sales rep literally named Andy Daulton:

There you have it folks, its unanimous. Our nations livechat customer service representatives agree: Joe Flacco is a Elite NFL quarterback.


This weeks rating is: Elite!!!

10 Things I Know I Know:

1. The NFL media has reported to death the fact that Tim Tebow is a virgin. We get it. The American people have been hit over the head by this fact for year's now with very little follow-up reporting. Does Tim Tebow masturbate? Why has no one asked him this? Not that I care.

2. The Steelers signed Jordan Berry, who along with Brad Wing makes for two Australian kickers in a apparent effort to make there Special Teams unit look like as much of a penal colony as their offensive backfield.

3. Im growing concerned with the internet take-bubble. Its like people are taking any old opinon and attaching the word "hot take" to it when they realy just mean "bad opinion." Thats not what a strong take is. A truly strong take is one that challenges your idea of what is right and wrong and usualy insults you into changing your thinking. This past week Buzzfeed and the Atlantic and Gawker like a million times weighed in on what makes a take a take, but takes by their very nature are impossible to define. Takes are like pornography- I know one when I see one and there both awesome.

For example, saying that Dove soap sucks is not a hot take- you shouldnt be getting dirty enough to need soap to begin with,, but this- now THIS is a fiery take:

(h/t @politicohen)

In conclusion, please stop overusing the term "hot take" or else its going to water down the entire brand. Save the term when you see a lunatic comparing the ship full of Libyan refugees to Ted Kennedy at Chappequiddick or somthing equaly insane.

4. The Aaron Hernendez verdict came down last week and I think we were all shocked to see such a good athlete turn out to not be a great person. The most questonable move of the trial was made by his attorney who, during closing arguments, conceeded that his client was indeed present at the time of the murder. Turns out the "I was there, but I didnt enjoy it" defense is less usefull during a murder trial then when your friend asks you if you watched Love Actually.

Hernandez will appeal the verdict, and he stands a good shot of getting the ruling reversed so long as the case gets heard by Judge Jeff Trippellette.

5. I think the NFL should posthumanously induct jockey Frank Hayes into the Pro Football Hall of Fame. On June 4th, 1923, Hayes climbed on top of a Horse name "Sweet Kiss" at Belmont park , and in the middle of the race had a heart attack and died. Sweet Kiss would go on to win the race at 20-1, with Hayeses lifeless body riding it to victory. This is a guy who knows about grit folks. Just like its a difference between being hurt and injured, theres a diffference between being dead and being buried- and Frank wanted to make sure he squeezed every ounce out of life while he was above ground. I feel like Mike Alstott could of died mid-carry and he still would of fallen forward for a first down- just a intangible reminder that just sometimes youd rather show up in the obituary then the box-score.

6. Multiple sources are now reporting that Phillip Rivers will be traded to the Tennessee Titans perhaps in exchange for the number 2 overall pick in the draft. This is a shocking move for a team to give up so much for a wildly inconsisntent guy. Rivers catches fire about once every 3 years which would lead you to believe hed be a much better fit in Cleveland.

7. Adrian Peterson was reinstated to the NFL on Friday and the Vikings are trying to make piece with there maligned star. Coming of a season long suspension but not really suspension for beating his son with a stick, Peterson ironically isnt willing to extend the olive branch which ironically is what got him into this mess to begin with.

The move actually makes sense for AP since he was kind of a system back who only flourished with Christian Ponder at QB. So hed just as soon leave town instead of fighting for carrys against read-option wonderkid Teddy Bridgewater.

8. As stoners across America join hands to fire up a big joint of drugs on today, 4/20, the NFL has begun its annual traditon of testing its players for marihuana. In a nation where the selfish cancer-patient lobby seems to be cramming there ideals down our throats, you have to take your hat off to Goodell for standing up for the rights of those of us who dont want other people to feel good.

So a huge thank you to are nations unsung heros- the urine collectors who put on there hard hats and lunchpails and fan out coast to coast. Athletes dont realize there actually doing you a favor by keeping you on the straight and narrow and out of jail. Pro-potters like to point out that you cant overdose on pot but thats not going to stop Josh Gordon from trying. I want a recever whose more concerned about burning a post route instead of a zig-zag.

9. Like the rest of America, my eyes were literally glued to the TV last night watching the Academy of Country music awards. In the USA if theres one this we need its more Country awards shows just for hilarous moments like these when Tony Romo threw a pass to some guy who sings incredble songs about trucks.

After he threw the pass to some generic country guy whose more likely to beat up his relatives then even the guy Romo usually throws passes to, the guy who has sex with Miranda Lambert asked him if the ball was legit, or deflated. Romo reponse: "We're the Dallas Cowboys, we have real balls."

Just a alltime zinger of a line by Romocop here. Romos always been a Joe Namath-type, "Broadway Bro"-type QB, known for caring more about Tony awards then team awards.

10. Speaking of 4.20 the Bucs are throwing up multple smoke-screens in regard to the upcoming draft. Its such a next level smart move for Tampa Bay to be smokescreening themselves since they literally have the first pick and just like Lovies offense there is absolutley no need for misdirection.

11. My ESPN Mobile phone arrived last week and so far its been a real waste of money. All I want is a phone that I can use to check scores and advertise my brand loyalty to ESPN but thanks to Verison its not working. I went into the store on Friday to try get it fixed and they looked at me like they didnt know what a ESPN phone even was. Allways embarassing for a company when you know more about sports then their salespeople.

Memo to Verizon: if I wanted a sleek looking piece of shit with limited reception abilty I would of signed Mike Wallace.

12. Beernerdness: Why is the hell does Dogfishhead Beer make a 60 minute pale ale, 61 minute pale ale, 90 minute pale ale, and 120 minute pale ale but no 69 minute pale ale? Sex sells ICYMI Dogfish Head. Tell me that woudnt fly off the shelves.

This Week In Rovell: Rovell the re-post king

Eagle-eye reader Luke points out that Rovell is not only repackaging his old materal at a pace that would make AC/DC blush, but hes also lying about it:

Id also like to take this opportunty to thank each and every one of you who has stepped up in sending me tips on my Rovelll hotline. Monitoring his activitys has become difficult since he blocked me but thanks to you all TWIR hasnt missed a beat. It takes a village.

Reader MailPail: Ben asks: Is Tim Tebow fake Christian?

If Tebow put half as much time into Christianity as he did into football and lifting weights he would be in heaven already.

This is a outstanding point. But I would challenge you to stop forgetting that Tebow is only 27 year old, and Jesus himself was 33. I think we can all cut Tim a little slack, woud you rather he be compared to Kurt Cobain Janis Joplin and Amy Winehouse- or the Lord God of Nazareth?

But you do bring up a good point. Every time Tebow goes out there on Sunday hes literaly breaking one of the 10 commandments by not keeping the Sabbath Holy. On the other hand Tebows play is remarkably similar to the style of a preacher because it takes place on Sunday, bores you to death,  gives you one read then gets the hell out of there.