We're required to remind you that these strong takes are SATIRE. Sorry, not sorry. All spelling errors are intentional, we think. -Ed.
Wellcome to the Monday Morning BM,, just a word of warning your probably not prepared to handle the strong football takes and barrelfire NFL truths that you never knew your Mondays were missing. This column is written for and by a REAL fan of the NFL. Its designed to be read on your Monday Morning commode break after a long Sunday eating bad-for-you food and drinking beers. If you care more about SPELLING then you do about TELLING theres the door because this columns not for you.
There have been alot of takes when it comes to DeflateGate- they genraly fall in one of three categories- theres the Peter King "I dont know really what the punishment should be because the general rule of thumb is to not actively insult either person whose currently running a Eiffel Tower on you." Then theres the "supsend everybody" camp which I kind of agree with just for the chaos aspect. I want to see if the Patriots "Next Man Up" philosophy extends to there owner and fairweather fans. And then theres this take from the Daily Caller:
When you think about it, Bill Clinton is the Tom Brady of politics. They both have a history of cheating, they allways lie in press confrences, and neither one likes to have sex with Hillary Clinton.
The old saying goes "if your not cheating, your not trying" and while I technically agree with that, the most important part of cheating is trying not to get caught. Unfortunately the NFL ran into a snitch in Ryan Grigson, who instead of keeping it in-house, went and told on the Patriots to Commissioner Roger Goodell.
In my opinoin, this is the classic confuscious conundrum. Grigson has proven, by telling on the Patriots, that he doesnt value the integrity of the game. Only the TRUE nfl champion would love the game so much that they would do anything- even cheat- in order to win it. Its ironic that Grigson was really telling on himself when he went behind his own back and complained to the league. Who knows, maybe Grigson misinterpreted a text from Irsay asking him to look into "the 8 balls" and instead complained to Goodell about 12 of them.
When it all comes down to it, the NFL should suspend Grigson for at least as long as Brady gets, for thinking that his team losing was more important then the public perception of the integrity of the game.
Thats not to say that Tom Brady doesnt deserve punishment as well. Bradys biggest crime in this whole deal is refusing to provide his cell phone to NFL investigators. I dont really care about what he may or may not of texted to the equipment guys, but the very fact that Tom likley has hot nude pictures of his wife that he is refusing to share with the fans who literally pay his salary is disrespectful at least. By not providing his cell phone it truly tells us that he dosent even trust Roger Goodell to look at his wife naked, as is his right as Bradys boss.
Im force to conclude that it is more probable than not that Tom Brady either doesn't trust the league enough to not share nude pics of him and his wife from his cell phone, or he doesnt have them to begin with- and I can't decide which is worse.
Remember, it was circumstantal evidence and a destroyed cellphone that put Aaron Hernandez in jail. What Brady is accused of doing is, arguably, worse than Hernandez. With DeflateGate, it was the integrity of the shield that was put in Jeopardy, and Brady basically drove the competitive balance of the league to a quiet office park in the middle of the night.
Now on to the weekly awards:
Road Grader of the Week: Rob Gronkowskis Dad
There no more powerfull feeling then walking around this earth knowing that your such a man that all 4 Gronkowski brothers used to literally fit inside your balls. Heres a quick fun fact- those arent Zubaz pants those white lines are literaly just cocaine.
For the life of me I cant figure out why Ted Wells didnt request Gronks cellphone in the investgation. If your a consultant, the first thing they teach you is you need to include some sizzle in your report even if it doesnt really have a big effect on the total outcome. Going through Gronks snapchat metadata would of been worth the cost of the investgation no matter how you slice it.
Fan of the Week: Chris Cristie
It was revealed that New Jersey Govenor Cristie spent $82,000 of taxpayer money on NFL concessions from 2010 to 2012, which comes out to about $27,000 per year, or approximatley 5 draft beers.
When you break it down, Christie was only spending about $3,500 per game which is a bargain when you consider that it would be cheaper for a guy the size of Christie to buy a entire Lazy-boy factory outlet store then it would to get a personal seat license. The Govenor stopped spending taxpayer money on snacks and drinks at NFL games "because he was worried about the appearance of impropriety." Do you know how hard it is for a politican to stop doing something because there worried about the appearance of impropriety? You could literally be the President holding hands with a Saudi crownprince who funded 911 and not be concern about the optics of the situation, so the fact that Christie decided "this might look sketchy" tells me he is a man of character.
Christie, who is fat, is simply being shamed by the liberal media for understandably spending all that money on concessons. But the simple caloric math tells you that Christie would of spent that much money on snacks irregardless of whether he were at a NFL game or at a Golden Corral. Heck, the vast majority of the $82,000 was probably just spent on enough chest paint to cover his upper body. Talk about a non-story.
Joe Flacco Elite-O-Meter:
It has been my contenton that Joe Flacco is whats known as Baldingers Cat- both Elite and Not Elite at the same time. Each week MMBM will track Joe Flaccos performence in order to determine once and for all the answer to the unanserable NFL debate: Is Joe Flacco a Elite NFL quarterback?
Last week the NFL Network released numbers 90-100 in its definitive rankings of the top 100 players in the league as voted on by the players. Joe Flaccos ranking? 97th.
Flaccos ranking tells me one thing: the NFL Network needs to crack down aganst fraud and institute some sort of football literacy test before your aloud to vote in this poll. How do I know if your a actual player and not just someone who happens to look like a Pouncey brother off the street? Now dont get me wrong I think everyone should have a opportunity to get there voice heard, but if you cant follow simple instructons when it comes to filling out forms then your vote shouldnt be counted.
Therefore I have no choice but to assume these player's thought they were filling out Madden ratings and that 97 is actually good.
This weeks rating is: ELITE
10 Things I Know I Know
1. Turns out the US National Guard has been paying NFL teams taxpayer money to do there "salute to the troops" on the field during NFL games. I say good on the league for not letting Obama strongarm him into giving his own private domestic security force free advertising on NFL property. Plus, just because your getting paid for it doesnt mean you wouldnt do it anyways. If I was a gigolo I would gladly get payed money to have sex and this is the exact same thing.
But you have to take your hat off to the propoganga arm of the NFL. Roger Goebbels has found a way to monetize patriotism. Lovie Smith's gotta be having a bigtime Winklevoss moment that he was the first person to figure out how to get payed enourmous amounts of money for awkwardly tossing a flag out on the field every Sunday.
2. Great demonstraton by the Jacksonville Jaguars on why teams shouldnt sign there rookies to a contract until they've proven themselves. DON'Te Fowler tried to swindle the Jags into a injury settlement in record time just 30 minutes into his very first practice. Fowler had absolutely no history of injurys which is a huge red flag. It tells me two things:
- He never played hard enough to get injured
- He was overdue. If you know anything about statistics you would know that every single injured player has been healthy until theyre not.
Say what you want about Robert Griffin, but Id rather have a scratch 'n' dent type guy with a doctors note tattooed on his forehead then a bait 'n'switch Donte Fowler-type used car thats going to need its timing belt replaced the second you drive it off the lot.
3. Making this Fowler debacle even worse was the fact that the injury occurred during a basic drill. If Im JJ Watt, Im requesting that Govenor Greg Abott keep a eye on any routine traning excercises taking place outside of Houston.
4. Lebron James is uncoachable and I would cut his ass if I was David Blatt. I dont care if your the best player in the world, if your not the best player on my team your worthless. To be honest folks Im just suprised that when Lebron made the decision to take the last shot himself he didnt host a 2 hour TV special at the boys and girls club. When I use to play basketball I knew that technically the most important job was the person who was passing the ball into bounds. A hoops play is basicaly a big Rube Golberg machine where the assist is more important than the score. A good two-handed inbounds pass is technicaly a chest-shot no offense to Jason Williams.
A healthy relationship between coach and player should be more like that of a owner and his faithfull dog. Blatt is the one who decides when its time for James to get his shots, and when its time to give him a dish. Instead James is the one neutering the person whose his boss and literally lifting his leg on his coaches shoes.
5. Alabama signal caller Blake Simms is trying out for the Redskins at WR, RB, and KR. Love that it only took 3 tries for the league to figure out that Simms Brothers cant be NFL Quarterbacks.
6. Jameis Weighs-ton is allready impressing down in Tampa Bay. On his first day of minicamp he showed up early, either because he wanted first choice of the donuts or because he was still drunk and couldnt sleep.
Winston apparently waited by the enterance so he could meet every new rookie and shake there hands. Either a true sign of leadership or maybe its just because Florida State law requires him to introduce himself to everyone in his new neighborhood within 48 hours of moving there.
7. The Bucs "GM" Jason Licht was effusive in his praise for Winston, telling the USA Today "I told my wife, Blair, ‘I gave him an A,'" without bothering to note that for some weird, strange, completley unexplanble reason that no one can guess- he was answering questons from his wife about Jameis Winstons behavior.
8. Bill Simmons is leaving ESPN which can only mean one thing: hes finally getting into porn. Ever the innovator, Simmons could be on the cusp of a huge breakthrough in the industry. Skin flicks where the guys are just talking some sports like a couple pals on a barstool while there having sex with a hot naked girl- finally, porn for men.
My heart goes out to Bill though in these trying times. As far as the alltime Pantheon of bad sports weeks for Simmons goes, between DeflateGate, getting fired, and having to watch that Clippers-Rockets game live last night, this has got to be the worst.
9. Someone needs to be keeping a eye on Marcus Vick. Just a feeling
10. Not to brag but I called it last week. La 'El Collins concocted this whole "possibly a murderer" rumor so that he could controll his own destiny and pick and choose his NFL team. Its going to catch up with him though- If he keeps telling teams hes a murderer, eventualy he really is going to kill someone and they'll never beleve him.
This week in Hitler:
Miami Dolphin AJ Francis has just been approve to be a Uber driver in Miami. But two weeks a go TIME magazine took some potshots at him him for just trying to earn some extra cash (notice a theme in Obamas America?) But Francis responded with a walk-off:
.@TIME I don't mind Yall taking shots at me. Gotta get your clicks I understand. But can you remind me who you gave Man of The Year in 1938?— A.J. Francis (@AJFrancis410) April 23, 2015
Reader Mailpail: WWGD?
If Jesus Christ deflated foot balls, how logn of a supension wud he get? IMO, God wood forgive him=NO SUSPENION.
While I agree with this line of thinking, technically my Bible tells me Jesus was suspended for about 6 hours.