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MMBM: Take away an NFL team's right to draft future repeat abusers

You can thank me later for cleaning up the entire NFL

Kyle Terada-USA TODAY Sports

We're required to remind you that these strong takes are SATIRE. Sorry, not sorry. All spelling errors are intentional, we think. -Ed.

Wellcome to the Monday Morning BM,, just a word of warning your probably not prepared to handle the strong football takes and barrelfire NFL truths that you never knew your Mondays were missing. This column is written for and by a REAL fan of the NFL. Its designed to be read on your Monday Morning commode break after a long Sunday eating bad-for-you food and drinking beers. If you care more about SPELLING then you do about TELLING theres the door because this columns not for you.

The NFL has a problem. And I have a answer.

Ray McDonald was a defensive tackle for the 49ers who was cut after being investgated twice for various domestic/sexual assaults last year. The Bears signed him because they think Ray McDonald is good at playing football. Then he got in trouble again for more domestic assault, which to be fair to the Bears, no one could of ever seen coming. How were they suppose to know it was a bad idea to sign a violent domestic abuser to their football team unless the league had measures in place to make teams who sign violent domestic abusers worse at football? Domestic assault is exclusivley a football problem that deserves a football answer-

Its not enough to suspend players. Right now the NFLs policy is to fine teams a few thousand dollars for having to many criminals on their active roster at any given time, which pretty much becomes a de facto luxury tax given the current makeup of todays NFL where the pro bowl rosters look like extras from Mad Max.

The League need's a progressive solution:

The NFL needs to take away the Bears right draft a player who has been convicted of multiple counts of domestic abuse and violent sexual assault in rounds one AND two of the 2016 NFL draft. That should fix the problem entirely.

Or , maybe they should only be aloud to have two or three players who have beaten up their spouse on the field during any non-redzone play.

The invisible hand of the marketplace should take care of the rest. Teams will be more hesitant to sign free agents with these issues because they want to protect there future rights to draft younger, cheaper criminals.

Conversley, teams who do a good job of signing violent felons should be rewarded by gaining compensatory draft picks that can only be used on players who have been arrested multiple times in college. You have to imagine the Cowboys are first in line to pick McDonald up on the cheap,  completeing the first unit that looks more like a police lineup then a starting lineup. Honestley folks the Cowboys D-Linemen have so many charges swept under the rug I call them the legion of broom. Under my system, the Cowboys could spend there entire 2016 draft on the Florida A&M Marching band and that would be morally ok to do.

Its either that or Goodell needs to suspend himself for not suspending Ray McDonald earlier. Take your pick, commish.

SB Nation presents: How not to get arrested for domestic violence

Now on to the weekly awards:

Road Grader of the Week: Mike Florio's large adult son

Mikes strapping young lad graduated from high school in West Virginia over the weekend, and Im here to wish Mike jr. and his father a truley heartfelt congratuatlions even though West Virginias graduaton test is literally having to give names to a litter of 8 cats without using the same name twice.

Florio fired off some fireworks to celebrate his son accomplishing this feat which is like Donald Trump throwing a tickertape parade everytime his daughter wipes front to back. But at any rate, congrats to Mike Florio on having sex at least one time, and to his son for managing to survive living in West Virginia for 18 years.

Fan of the Week: Patricia M. Shong

Via Covers, here is Patricia Shong, whose last line in her obituary is a stark reminder to all of us that she is a better NFL fan than you are:

While I admire Patrica's commitment to defensing Brady til her dying breath I also think this is a bit of a show-off move on her part. She needs to act like she's died before and hand her soul back to Jesus like a professional instead of hotdogging it and showing up Roger Goodell. Mrs. Shong might as well of asked 8 Desean Jacksons to highstep her casket into the grave with a move like this and shes lucky she didnt get caught from behind by a Born again Christian group trying to keep her on life support.

That said where are all the news storys about this? How come when someone is killed by a police officer there are riots and media coverage but when Patricia Shong passed away we didnt hear anything? Just goes to show thehypocrisy.

Joe Flacco Elite-O-Meter:

It has been my contenton that Joe Flacco is whats known as Baldingers Cat- both Elite and Not Elite at the same time. Each week MMBM will track Joe Flaccos performence in order to determine once and for all the answer to the unanserable NFL debate: Is Joe Flacco a Elite NFL quarterback?

As we documented last week- the Flacco solstice, or Elitequinox has officially pased us on May 21st. This means that it is once again the season for dicsussing whether or not Joe Flacco is a Elite Quaterback.

But one story thats managed to slip threw the cracks is the rivalry thats formed off the field amongst the Ravens: Their ping-pong competitions.

Apparently the Raven are spending there offseason trying to be that cool company that has a ping-pong table in the break room to distract you from how bad you hate your job. In realty when someone says they have a work-hard, play-hard enviroment they really mean there basically a start-up who doesnt really have a product yet.

I like my teams to be a real work-hard, work-hard organizaton. But no not the Ravens, Joe Flaccos spending all his time in the rec room playing ping pong.

Head Coach John Harbaugh made a reference to the ping-pong competition during a recent conference call with PSL season ticket holders when talking about Flacco’s leadership. "All the guys look up to him," Harbaugh said. "He wins most of the ping-pong tournaments down in the equipment room too. … Joe’s been drilling Tucker in ping-pong lately, so Joe’s got that respect."

Well I guess we live in a day in age where its newsworthy to report that your starting Quaterback is better at sports then your kicker. Wow great scoop. Wait, actualy hang on just a minute and let me finish reading this artcle-

"Joe’s good about being aggressive on the table when he needs to be," Tucker said. "He’ll hit a nice forehand and just try to get a winner with it. More often than not, though, he’s slamming it right into the back of the net... (Ravens VP of Public Relations Kevin) Byrne: "How’s ping pong going? Did you play Joe?" Tucker: "I’m killing it in there. I just smoked him. It was embarrassing. You should ask him about it.""

Joe Flacco loses in ping-pong to his kicker folks.

This weeks rating is: Hes a disgrace

flacco

10 Things I Know I Know

1. Free legal advise to the Patriots. Tom Brady should marry Jim McNally before his appeal is heard. A married couple is not aloud to testify against one another in any legal proceeding according to my understanding of the law. This can be the only explanaton as to why the Clintons havent gotten a divorce yet btw.

2. If being naked in a airport is a crime lock me up.

The mainstream media is so busy slut-shaming this guy for simply choosing to not let other peoples sexualization of his body interfere with his right to be ticked off at not getting on a plane. Meanhwile thousands of women all over this country literaly get paid to take off all there clothes and when a man does it he gets arrested.

2a. Now this guy knows how to push boundrys on a airplane:

It really tells you something about Obamas TSA department that taking off your pants on a plane gets you put immedately on a literal "no fly" list.

3. Lewis, Carruth, Rice, McDonald. I call Goodell the sunbather because he spends all his time catching rays.

4. Meanwhile, Roger Goodell is literaly the devil according to Joe Horn. In a interview with "The Football Girl" (Sup? by the way) Joe Horn ran off at the mouth about his former boss:

I don’t like what Roger Goodell is doing. He has so much power that he can almost shut people down. I just don’t like him. And I don’t like  that on draft day these kids don’t know that they’re hugging the devil.

Well if you know anything about heaven and hell, if Roger Goodell is the Devil then that makes Bob Kraft literally God, so Im ok with this. Kraft so loved the NFL that he sacrificed his own appeal for it.

5. You know all along I thought "19 kids and counting" was the name of the Anthony Cromartie episode of Hard Knocks.

6. Robert Griffin had a daughter this weekend almost like he was trying to upstage Memorial Day weekend:

RG3 posing with his sex trophy

RG3 posing with his sex trophy

Reese Ann Griffin was born over the weekend and working back doing the math here she was conceved during the week leading up to there opening game against the Houston Texans, which the Redskins lost 17-6. Maybe Griffin should of been spending more time in the film room and less time in the bedroom judging by his performance. Ironicaly Griffin looked impotent against JJ Watt in that game, who probably refuses to have sex until the offseason like all good players. Honestly Im just suprised that Griffin was able to hit his wifes egg in stride, I can only imagine that Rebeccas ovaries look like the inside of my middle school tube socks after all the overthrows this guys got in his system. Not to be gross.

But this raises a important question- are NFL players having too much sex nowdays? It seems like there having kids at a alarming rate almost like they are trying to breed fans out of existance. I've got over/under week 3 on hw soon Griffin brings his baby to a postgame presser so that he can avoid getting asked questons.

Also people forget that Griffin himself was not even born in the United States, but in Japan. You know who else came to the United States from Japan? Alot of planes back in 1942. Never forget.

7.The NFL voted to move Extra Points back to the 15 yard line, completeley ignoring my idea that the heaviest player on the field at the time of the TD should kick the PAT snapped from the 2. The NFLs logic is that they are punishing kickers who have become too good at there jobs which makes me wonder if this rule change came down through the Obama administartion.

8. Hard Knocks is down to either the Washington, Texans or Bills. Either way we're getting storylines like:

-RG3 tears a ACL changing a diaper

-Rex Ryan keeps referring to Buffalos QB depth chart as "Viagra Falls" because it looks like everythings going to be hard for 3 hours on gameday.

-JJ Watts morning workout is literally him defeating ISIS

9. Roger Goodell is missing out on a major opportuinty here when it comes to hearing Tom Brady's appeal of his 4 game suspension. The players union is bitching and moaning about how unfair it is that the Commissioner is the one to hear it, well guess what it could be a whole lot worse. Goodell should name Vince McMahon from the WWE to hear the appeal. He would give Tom Brady and all his lawyers stunners, rip his shirt off and make them look like fools for ever questoning the authority of the league office. Before you know it the NFLPA would be begging for Roger Goodell to hear each and every appeal. Be careful what you wish for.

10. In big news out of the CFL Michael Sam got signed by the Montreal Alouettes

11. I dont care why is this news

This week in Darren Rovell: Rovell bails on Headlines in major breach of public trust:

After every quasibiggish sporting event- Rovell asks his twitter followers to send him headlines. The reason he does this is so:

1. He dosen't have to try and be creative at all since he is not programmed to do that

2. He avoids a repeat of this scenario:

Well last night he asked his twitter followers to share there best headlines from game 4 of the Western Conference Finals and it didnt turn out so well:

And so for the first time in recorded history, Rovell just gave up since there were no actual good submissons for his headlines. In the future lets try and make this a pattern folks.

Reader Mailpail: Romance is in the air

Its springtime here at the MMBM and that can only mean one thing: guys are horny. Occasonally Ive been known to dole out some love lessons, so I figured today I could help out one of my readers:

How do I tell my best friend of 2 years that I'm in love with her?

-Colton

Thanks Colton. First of all the fact that your names Colton is a red flag- are we talking about you being in love with a cousin or sister or close relative or something? The MMBM does not condone incest unless shes really cute, and you found her on acestry dot com and shes dosent know that your related yet.

Second of all your playing from behind here. You need to get out of the friend zone and into the end zone if you know what I mean. My advise to you would be to take her to a Minor League Baseball game (play it cool and act like you forgot t wear a shirt on accident) and put up a message on the jumbotron telling her that shes hot and that your interested in kissing her. The only time jumbotron proposals ever fail is when its already planned to fail so you should feel 100% confidant that she will be in love with you.

If that dosen't work then hit on her mom. Theres something about females that makes them insanely jealous when there mom gets hit on instead of them and they instantly want to do it with the guy who does it. I don't know what it is but its like a reverse Oedipal complex. And even if it dosent work then maybe her mom will like you I dont know I've been single for quite some time.