We're required to remind you that these strong takes are SATIRE. Sorry, not sorry. All spelling errors are intentional, we think. -Ed.
Attention all sports writers. You might not like what I have to say, but I will defend to the death my right to say it:
As a sports writer, I'm going to go off on a little tangent here. Because I'm sick of everyone who havent been staying in there own lane recently. In case you forgot, people read sports writers to get away from all of the other people in the world who disagree with my opinions. When a sportswriter doesnt stick to sports, he's basically nagging his readers about leaving the toilet seat up and I got enough of that at home when I used to have a girlfriend.
People dont go to sports websites to hear your takes on racism or on what you have to say about other sports writers' politics. We go there to find out whether you think Johnny Manziel is a alcoholic, or whteher Russel Wilson is black enough, and other sports-related issues. Tip form a pro: When you start getting into politics your biased starts to show and you just end up making a fool of yourselves.
And all this time sports writers could of been writing about athletics instead of playing armchair detective. These last two days are when we need sports writers to stick to sports the most, as Americans desperately needed a distracton from all the vigilant waiting for all the facts to come out that we were doing. When you think about it, life is just one long standby until we know the full story and all the facts have been brougt to light, but you could have fooled me judging by all the non-sports takes I've been seeing from every other sportswriter besides me.
If I wanted to hear the political opinions of a man who lives in his moms basement I'd have a conversation with my roomate, you losers.
The history of writers not sticking to sports is a long and troubled road that has almost singlehandedly resurrected racism and evil in our country. Hunter S Thompson used to be one of our nations great writers- until he started writing about politics and culture. Kurt Vonnegut was a enourmously talented sportswriter for Sports illustrated as well before he became a socialist and spent the rest of his life firebomb-shaming the United States goverment:
Back in the mid-1950s, he was employed by Sports Illustrated, briefly. He reported to work, was asked to write a short piece on a racehorse that had jumped over a fence and tried to run away. Kurt stared at the blank piece of paper all morning and then typed, "The horse jumped over the fucking fence," and walked out, self-employed again.
Ironic that Vonnegut would of done better with his writing career if he had just stayed a one trick pony folks.
And then the watered-down version of Hunter S Thompson came along- Peter King. The only difference is that instead of embedding himself with Al Davis, King In-Bedded himself with Roger Goodell and writes about coffee and IPas instead of cocaine and Ether. Heck pretty soon were going to have a NFL writer who devotes 99% of his columns to Kale cleanses and (note: I tried to think of somthing more watered down then a Haiku in a football column and I couldnt do it.). My point that Im making, I think, is that your readers should decide what you write about, not the other way around. And as a writer I'm telling my readers that they should decide to tell you to stick to sports instead of all this other nonesense.
You know there used to be a time before our nation had all these problems that the only "race" that sports writers used to talk about was the "horse race." Now the one place that used to have no racism at all -- sports -- is ground zero for your cultural takes. But ironically, systematic discrimination wouldnt technically even exist if you stopped bringing it up for pageviews. Its a classic chicken or the egg type situation- which came first, racism, or people talking about racism?
Heck, nowdays it seems like we cant stop talking about race when it comes to sports. Why just the other week Chip Kelly was being accused of racism just because he corectly thinks Riley Cooper is a better football player then Desean Jackson. But the realty is that if people stopped using the word "racism" it technically wouldnt exist anymore. Heck, when I was a kid growing up my grandaddy taught me that if you dont like something just ignore it and it will go away. So Im begging you to start ignoring things you dont like so that Im not forced to read and comment on them when you write about them.
Why even yesterday the Pope- the ultimate Sports Writer when you think about it, made it his Mission to get on twitter and advance his cockamamie take on "global warming":
The earth, our home, is beginning to look more and more like an immense pile of filth.
— Pope Francis (@Pontifex) June 18, 2015
I can certainly understand that the whole world must look like a mountain of garbage if he spent all this week watching the Eagles minicamp like I did. Maybe the Pope needs to spend more time in Bethlehem, Heaven, and less time in Bethlehem, Pennsylvania.
But no, the Pope got on his high horse to literally trashtalk his own team for destroying the earth. If Francis really cared about the planet he would of kept it in-house instead of airing the human races dirty laundry like that. You can bet Belichick would of had his ass for giving potential alien invaders all this bulletin board material. Say what you want about Adolf Hitler folks, but at least he cared enough about the Earth to try and take over the whole damn thing instead of throwing it under the bus in the media.
Yes, the root of all evil in our society can be traced to people who didnt stay in their lane.
Dont believe me? Heres a lit of famous people who didnt stick to sports:
-Abraham Lincoln (dead)
-Ryan Leaf (dead)
So now Im imploring you. As a colleague of yours, please for the love of God you should only write columns about sports, like I do. If you want a world without racism, you have the power to make that happen, simply by not discusing it anymore. In other words,
"Be The Change You Want To See In The World."
- Mohatma Ghandi (R- India)
Stick to sports.