We're required to remind you that these strong takes are SATIRE. Sorry, not sorry. All spelling errors are intentional, we think. -Ed.
Wellcome to the Monday Morning BM,, just a word of warning your probably not prepared to handle the strong football takes and barrelfire NFL truths that you never knew your Mondays were missing. This column is written for and by a REAL fan of the NFL. Its designed to be read on your Monday Morning commode break after a long Sunday eating bad-for-you food and drinking beers. If you care more about SPELLING then you do about TELLING theres the door because this columns not for you.
Russell Wilson doesnt deserve a new contract.
Things are coming down to the last minute for the Seattle Seahawks and Russell Wilson to reach a agreement on how much money he's going to steal from the team this offseason. You see Wilson is evidently demanding that he be made one of the highest-paid QBs in the entire league despite the fact that he was drafted in the 3rd round. This is one of those "give a mouse a cookie" scenarios where a guy gets a little taste of being rich and then all of a sudden he wants even more money despite the fact that he makes way more then I do already. If you make enough to know how underpaid you are then your technically making too much money already.
If Im Seahawks GM John Schneider and my Superbowl-losing QB came in to my office holding himself hostage like this, Id throw his ass out on the street like yesterdays trash. He's literally taking food out of the mouth of his co-workers and restricting my ability to recruit new Free Agents. But hes got this whole Cap thing so backwards that even Colin Rappernick is telling him to straighten this mess out. Son your going to come in here demanding a ransom payment? More like you just ran-some of your teammates out of town because we literally wouldnt have enough money to field a football team.
Maybe Russ needs to look at his own fiscal decisions before telling his bosses how to spend there money, because his actions are telling a different story. If you think your underpaid, why would you
1. go out there and get a expensive divorce, +
2. start dating Ciara. That just doesnt add up.
If your on your rookie contract- (the NFL version of welfare, paying someone for not having done any work yet), then you should only be allowed to date league-approved women who fit in with that lifestyle. Instead he's buying champagne and taking instantgram models on his boat when he should be saving up and only going out to like Fuddruckers on special occasons only with his high school sweetheart. If he's going to be demanding more money for doing a job I would literally do for free, well then I have a right to examine your expenses. As a fan, I pay your salary and your using MY money to buy your new flame buying all the latest handbags and birthcontrol? Im sorry but my money should be going towards earning you a Super Bowl ring, not a NuvaRing.
Your only as good as your last play and the NFL is a short attenton span league. And now after that Superbowl disaster he's asking me for MORE money? To paraphrase Pete Carrol, "No thanks, I'll pass." Heck, you didnt see Obama demanding a payraise the morning HealthCare.gov went live right? You didnt have FDR begging for more walking around money right after Pearl Harbor. In life you should always strike while the iron is hot, not while the iron is not. Negotiating 101.
Say it with me now.
Hey if you think the "read options" so valuable maybe you should Read the Option in your contract that says the Seahawks can keep you around a extra year without giving you a raise. Dont like that rule? Well then maybe you should of changed it 4 years ago, but I guess you were too busy changing schools to think about changing rules.
nHeres a newsflash- any player in the world could succeed in the system the Seahawks invented for him as long as they can run fast, pass accuratley, pass on the run, and run on a broken pass-play. Guys like him are a dime a dozen.
I mean the guys name literaly translates to "Scrounge up an Inheritence" so its not like we all didnt see this coming. The fact is, if you look at the numbers, you can get a pretty good idea for just how ridiculous it is that he's claiming to be underpaid:
-Russel Wilsons salary: $526,217
-Police Officer: $52,635
-NFL blogger: Free room and board, laundry, snack, and whatever my mom thinks my allowance should be
-Nurse: $69,110 plus whatever they steal from there patients wallets
The numbers dont lie folks. Besides the teacher, I think its pretty easy to see that being Russell Wilson is probably the most overpaid job in the USA.
Now on to the weekly awards:
Road Grader of the Week: This cop has ELITE closing speed
Cops get alot of crap these days whenever they kill citizens but no one will stand on the table and applaud them when they absolutley destroy a bad guy with a picture perfect form tackle. If Im a NFL GM I pick up the phone this morning and bring this guy in for a workout. Can you imagine how nervous Legarrette Blount would be if he knew that a defensive lineman was literaly a police officer? He'd probably fumble intentionally or try to keyster the football just to get rid of evidents with ol Johnny Law coming at him at pad level. I mean just watch this guy:
Fan of the Week: DisneyLand Man Protects the Shield:
Love the commitment this fellas showing here. Just a fan of the NFL in general. Also- socks with sandals shows hes a man who plays by his own rules- more about smashin then fashion.
Joe Flacco Elite-O-Meter: Your most important ability is your AVAIL-ability
It has been my contenton that Joe Flacco is whats known as Baldingers Cat- both Elite and Not Elite at the same time. Each week MMBM will track Joe Flaccos performence in order to determine once and for all the answer to the unanserable NFL debate: Is Joe Flacco a Elite NFL quarterback?
Last week the Supreme Court ruled that everyone has to have health care which is good since they followed that up by giving us all heart attacks by ruling that everynoe has to get gay married- talk about a big week for man-dates. I guess the only "Judicial Restraint" the Supreme Court has heard of involves a safe-word,chains, and leather folks.
But the Health Care ruling has widespread ramfications in the NFL, and it could mean bad news for Joe Flacco. You see, Iron Joe has been the Lou Ghreig of NFL QBs. He never gets hurt, and when he does he doesn't drag himself to a doctor like a wimp who needs medical attenton. This is a old-school guy who cares about sticking his arm out for a hand-off, not a hand-out.
In fact he is so reliable that the Ravens signed Tyrod Taylor- the ultimate "I'm only buying this insurance because I have to" type player- and Im a guy who believes you should only invest in a trophy-plan, not a catas-trophy plan. I want a guy who increases my PPR not my PPO folks, but thanks to Obama- Joe Flacco lost more value last week then my hypothetical marriage.
You see, with the new ruling that everyone has to have insurance, this actually ironicaly makes Flacco less valuable and more deductable. Now that everyone HAS to stay healthy, it lowers the Premium on guys who WANT to stay healthy. Heck, thanks to Obama your even going to have guys like RG3 getting so much medical attenton that they cant help but start at least 10 games despite themselves.
This weeks rating is: HES A BUM, THANKS OBAMA
10 Things I Know I Know:
1. The Oakland Raiders no-showed there own town hall style meeting in Carson California, thwere they were suppose to have a discusson with the community about the possibilty of moving the team there next year. It was a major suprise since typically if you want to Raiders to not show up somewhere you usually just need to invite them to a football game in January.
2. According to the Stat-Smoochers over at ProFootballFocus, the Tennesee Titans pass defense was tops in the league last year when going up verse 3-wide recever sets, giving up only .78 yards per play. This ranking is why you should never trust numbers, because anyone whose actually played the game can tell you that the perfect defense gives up exactly 3.3 yards per play every play. Let your opponet run out the clock on themselves instead of practically begging for the ball back like you dont trust your defense.
3. Rob Gronkowski might be the most versitile Tight End in the NFL. In edition to being a matchup nightmare on the field, here he is showing off his rapping skills at a night club in Savannah Georgia.
Instant classic. You slap a "Feat/ Ja Rule" on that track and it becomes the song of the summer IMO. Ironic that a guy whose more known for his breast stroking is so good at freestyling. And this guys holding his bass more awkwardly then a guy on twitter with racist opinoins folks. I call this guy Chip Kelly because hes hanging on to a high-strung 6th stringer.
4. Seahawks Wide Recever Doug Baldwin went on a tirade against the Confederate flag this morning, saying "The argument we hear today is that the flag represents "Southern Heritage" and "Southern Pride". The only relevant "heritage" I could find in history not pertaining to civil war was associated with racism and segregation. Is this the heritage and pride you speak of?"
I've always said that Baldwin Brothers should stay out of politics. If your against flying the Confederate Flag, well then you have to be consistant and make your team take down the "12" flag which is technicaly racist against the Titans who dont have a dozen fans to begin with.
5. The Fullback is now officially on the endangered speces list folks. 2015 marked the lowest usage of the position in the history of the league and I shutter to think about the message this is sending to our children. Instead of having role-model road graders taking dives on 3rd and 1, we've got a bunch of Louisa May Alstotts taking the field in a sport thats being played by LIttle Women.
6. A couple of Chinese guys were force to chug a bottle of $1300 aphrodesiac wine before boarding a airplane in Guangzhou, and yes, one of the guys names was literally Wang. While I approve of chugging alcohol before becoming a passenger on any mode of transportation, even I have to admit these guys are the worlds biggest suckers for spending wasting this much money. They've been making aphrodesiac wine for years, its called "wine" and you can literally buy a box of it for $10.
7. Over the past couple weeks, Colts players Trent Cole, Vontae Davis, and TE Jack Doyle all tied the knot and got hitched. Kudos to the Colts organizaton for getting all of there players get traditonally married while it was still legal by the way.
The best quote of the nuptuals goes to Trent Cole though, who said "I got married and came right back to minicamp. Because you've got to take care of business." Kind of ironic though that two weeks after hanging up a fake champions banner, all the Colts players found a shortcut to getting rings.
(H/T High Sock Sunday)
8. Pro Bowl defensive lineman and brother of Jake Long, Chris Long has started a project called "The Waterboys" whose goal is to bring clean drinking water to millions of people in East Africa. Just goes to show you how times have changed, and as a society we're becoming way to concerned with coddling people. My high school coach use to make us sometimes go days without drinking water and I turned out just fine. The Pussificaton of East Africa continues folks, why doesnt someone start a charty where they give clean water to the world's needy under the stipulation that they have to swish and spit it out so that they can become more tough? The thing about water is the more you have of it, the more you think you need it. Thats why camels can live in the dessert without begging there owners for a timeout everytime they get a little hot, and fish, who literaly live in water, die when you take them out of it for even a minute.
The Waterboys seems like a well-intentoned idea, but next thing you know there going to try to give them medical supplies and food too. I mean when does it stop?
9. The Giants liquored-up punter Steve Weatherford went on the Boomer and Carton show last friday and made some colorfull comments about the Eagles QB situaton:
"I'm the biggest Tim Tebow fan in the world," he said. "I mean, who wouldn't want their daughter to date a guy like that? I'll tell you want, I don't want him taking snaps for my team."
Then he broke out the car metaphors for the rest of the Eagles quarterbacks.
"I'm gonna give you a Ferrari that maybe won't be running all the time, or I'm giving you a nice Cadillac sedan," he said. "It's not the fastest but you know what you're going to get out of it."
Who's the Cadillac? You guessed it, Mark Sanchez.
"[Sam] Bradford can go zero to 60 in three seconds," he added. "But you don't know if he's going to start up some days."
Meanwhile Eli Manning is a wood-paneled station wagon, Tony Romo is a white SUV with a high risk of turnover, and Robert Griffin is a Black Sprinter.
But the best repsonse came from the Eagles Jason Kelce:
Of course a player who is literally not allowed to be touched is talking shit... Is interviewing punters a thing now? @Weatherford5— Jason Kelce (@Jkelce) June 29, 2015
10. NFL is looking for a director of investigatons to snoop around on there players, coaches, and front office staff members. Lets take a look at the job requirements:
This actualy looks like a job that would be perfect for me. I can do all those things and would love a opportunity to work for a NFL league.
I submitted my applicaton and am eagerly awaiting hearing back from them for a interview. I will keep you all informed as I metriculate through the selection process.
11. The University of Pennsylvania has a survey you can take online to calcutlate how gritty you're.
Just a heads-up they ask you for some sensitive informaton but I kind of had some fun with it:
So after answering like 10 questons truthfully about how hard you pack your lunchpail it calculates your score based on a scale of 1. Not Very Gritty to 5. Extremely Gritty.
Reader MailPail: Aaron Rodgers Swordplay
Did you see this? This is why Flacco will never be truely elite. in Baltimore Joe average is still trying to throw daggers, meanwhile Mr. Rodgers is has progressed to swords. Talk about bringing a knive to a gun show! This is truely some next level stuff on AArons part. Amazing to be able to peek inside the public lifes of our sports heroes and see why they are what makes them elite. Juts one of the manny things that makes us the best country in the world. Speaking of witch, happy 4th of Julyand thanks everyone for there services.