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The Book of Woodhead: The Comeback

This is the fourth, and final installment of a series that I began last year but forgot about until this morning.

Last year I began to write the complete history of one Daniel Frank Henry Woodhead, but I held off because I didn't want to Sports Illustrated jinx my favorite ballplayer. I overthought that one and I Sports Illustrated jinxed myself and Danny ended up on the IR.

So now I continue- The Book of Woodhead- Volume the fourth

When we last left our hero Danny, he had just completed 3 productive seasons with the Patriots that were so gritty they made Julian Edelman look like Lil Boosie. But New England was becoming New Jersey- it was literally overflowing with scrap, and Danny knew that between Gronk, Welker, Edelman, and Devlin, it was a 5-way tie to see who was the first in last out of Patriot place. Funny how America is giving all kinds of awards to Caitlyn Jenner but Julian Edelman never got a ESPY for transitoning from QB to WR. Makes you think, why are we promoting someone doing one thing, but if someone does another completely seperate thing, its way different? Talk about a double stander.

Coming from Boston, a city whose only residence are descendents from families who were too lazy to move more then 20 miles west over the course of 400 years, to a sunny city full of beaches and fish tacos is not a decision he took lightly. But Danny was never highly touted as a prospect, hes always been more of a prospector, and like all the best Americans he saw opportunity to strike it rich out west. He saw a backfield with Ryan Mathews and Ronnie Brown with all the depth of a mouses butthole and a QB that was more use to mud boots then Ugg boots. Philip Rivers comes from a town where its legal to kill a man where he stands if hes wearing a fur coat that doesnt still have a faint pulse. Of course its also a possiblity that Danny saw the type of Shenanigans Tom Brady was pulling and wanted a QB who spent more time deflating balls into his wife then into thin air.

So he packed his lil bindle stick and headed out to San Diego. In a city thats known primarly for Jack Johnson- a singer whose name literally translates to "masturbate," Danny cared more about working out then jerking off. He got right to work in 2013 and set Chargers single-season records for gumption and value. The chemistry between him and Rivers was undeniable, like a twin that you never knew you had came to visit for the first time and you both discover you like the same bands and are attracted to the same comic book characters. Danny averaged a perfect 4.0 YPC to match his college GPA in his first year in San Diego and played in all 16 games. The old joke is "what are the two things that are allways available in San Diego?" "dry weed and Danny Woodhead."

Legend has it that Head Coach Mike McCoy called DW "The Drumset" which is cymballic, because he wasnt afraid to bang some heads, and he knew that if he played him enough he'd have a perfect time. Danny led the Chargers by example, which was fitting because they finished the 2013 season slightly above average, but a little short.

Then in 2014 disaster struck. It was week 3 of last year verse the Buffalo Bills- when Danny was tackled by Marcell Darius who was using steroids. His fibula snapped along with the Chargers playoff hopes and aspiratons. The fibula bone is alot like Danny himself, its small, white, and you dont even know you needed it til its gone. Danny never was the Cadillac kind, so it was fitting that they drove him off the field in a John Deere tractor in a processon that made Chris Kyles funeral look like a JFK motorcade. Lee Harvey Oswald was the orignal American Sniper people forget that. I just kind of lost my train of thought here but you have to think that this is all connected somehow.

After Woodheads injury the Chargers couldnt use play action because no one would beleve they had a credible threat. San Diego might as well have been telling opposing defensses "Bin Laden Determined to attack between the tackles" the way defense of linemen were pinning their ears back and getting after Rivers.

But now hes working on the next chapter in the Book of Woodhead- the Comeback. Even though the Chargers violated cardnal rule number one of the NFL- never under any circumstances draft someone named "Melvin," I'm not worried. Melvin Gordon ran for 408 yards in a game in College, and everyones tripping all over their own takes to tell you what a big deal thats suppose to be. Growing up in Nebraska I bet you Danny use to deliver newspapers to 400 yards every morning. The difference between Melvin Gordon and Danny Woodhead is that Danny went to a college where they care more about the W's in there conference chapionship games than on the sides on their helmets. You know who else lost by like 40 points in Ohio State? John Kerry.

Im not much of a "what if" guy but if Danny Woodhead was on that Wisconsin team I think its safe to say that the rest of America would join the Ohio State general studies faculty in not knowing who Cardale Jones is. Alot of people aren't seeing this signing for what it is- a motivational tool to make sure they get the best Danny Woodhead possible. Danny is fueled by people telling him that hes not good enough. If Melvin think he's going to be the first guy in and last guy out of the Chargers building hes going to be in for a rude awakening when he sees Danny living in the weight room, taking cat naps between sets of power cleans and eating only the raw meat of whatever wild animals find themselves unlucky enough to get caught in the facilties ventalation system. The Chargers might as well of gone out and used there first round pick on a bag of thermite because Melvin Gordons very presence is going to be an accelerant to Woodheads explosiveness.

Now just in case you still didnt think Danny was the toughest son of a gun in the NFL, hes taking the first team snaps already. Thats right, in the span of 9 months hes managed to battle back from a broken leg which is literally the same injury that killed Barbaro. Hes literally stronger then a racehorse folks, and if theres one fact about Dannys bones that you should take into the weekend its that American Marrow beats American Pharoah any day.

I know another guy who was "too short" to get the job done and got sidelined for a year before coming back and literaly taking the world by storm- Napoleon. And even though its easier to march across France in a week then it is to gash the Raiders defense, Im convinced that Woodheads reign of terror is just beginning folks.