We're required to remind you that these strong takes are SATIRE. Sorry, not sorry. All spelling errors are intentional, we think. -Ed.
Wellcome to the Monday Morning BM,, just a word of warning your probably not prepared to handle the strong football takes and barrelfire NFL truths that you never knew your Mondays were missing. This column is written for and by a REAL fan of the NFL. Its designed to be read on your Monday Morning commode break after a long Sunday eating bad-for-you food and drinking beers. If you care more about SPELLING then you do about TELLING theres the door because this columns not for you.
Folks if your anything like me, your sick of basically pushing away all the ladies trying to have sex with you during football season. Its too much for you to be drunk enough to be a real NFL fan and at the same time be excpected to perform sexually. Sorry females, but I've got a cold beer and a damn remote control and the Good Lord only gave me two hands for a reason.
Thats why theres a little thing called the NFL offseason, which is technically mating season for all diehard football fans who are too busy and negligent during the fall to even think about sex. And right now, in our hands, we have the chance to make history and make a real diffrence.
I dont ask you for much around here. But today I'm basically going to be a community organizer.Sometimes in this life, you dont find the cause, the cause finds you. And over the past week Ive heard from enough of you to know that nows a good time to change our focus to national affairs:
Thats right, tomorrow is literaly "the perfect date: 6/9." Ive started a change.org petiton here to get it recognized as a natonal holiday. The fact is, I work to damn hard to not have our government give us a day off to go out there and try and get laid. We have Thanksgiving for people who like to eat, and we have labor day for communists, but those are just fringe activities- why not a day that is just 100% about sex? FACT: In our society there's only two types of people- those who are currently having sex and those of us that wish I was having sex.
Who needs a whole week for Channukah, or TWO seperate holidays to remember the troops when there isnt a day of remembereance for all the weird sex stuff we've all done? What about our rights? Plus, the fact is that by refusing to acknowledge the Sex Day, Obama is technicaly condoning genocide because people forget that if we dont have sex there will be no more people.
There would be a couple specific traditons for 6/9, like you woudnt have a tree in your living room but you could have a bush if thats what you were into. It would be illegal to knock on anyones door and iterrupt people except if your a mailman and you have to say "Im here to deliver this package."
There could also be sexual awareness classes so that women can find out just what it takes to please a man, and give the guys a nice refractory period to head down to the bar and watch some sports for once and catch a fun hang with there buddies. Anyways Im getting a little far of field here but the fact remains: On 6/9, Americans should spend a moment of silence quietly genuflecting on all the hilarous sexual adventures they've had.
Please click here and sign it will take two seconds to do. June is a dead zone of holidays that is just basicaly a hot month with no cool football news bridging the long gap between Memorial Day and the Fourth of July. That needs to change pronto.
Road Grader of the Week: Georgia Page, Lindenwood Rugby player
There is tough, then there is rugby tough. Lindenwood Women's player breaks her nose and stays on the field to make a try saving tackle. Give this girl a LIKE! See more at USA Sevens Rugby #respect #rugbytoughPosted by USA Sevens Rugby on Thursday, June 4, 2015
Ok first've all the sport of rugby needs to reexamine its credentialing because Georgia Page isnt a 7s rugby player shes a certifed 10. Second of all rugby is awesome, its just basically football when the refs got fed up with all the dancing and celebrating between plays and said "until you've proven to me that you can handle breaks in the action without looking like your audtioning for a second-rate version of dancing with the stars, no more whistles." Kind of ironic how the entire sport is literaly a read option but you dont see your Robert Griffins out there dominating and its because a dual threat QB in rugby is literaly just a single threat QB. Makes him one dimensonal.
Ms. Page is a Australian Native and Im literally making it my mission to set her up with Matt Dellavedova to create the scrappiest, grittiest family in world history. They'd make the Plumlees look like the And-1 mixtape tour. Those kids would get a floorburn award clawing out of there moms birth canal trying to make a play from the word go. Lets make this happen.
Making the gene pool more of a team swim instead of a solo race isnt Eugenics folks, its WE-genics and I think the Dellevedola family tree is a good limb to grab on to.
Joe Flacco Elite-O-Meter:
It has been my contenton that Joe Flacco is whats known as Baldingers Cat- both Elite and Not Elite at the same time. Each week MMBM will track Joe Flaccos performence in order to determine once and for all the answer to the unanserable NFL debate: Is Joe Flacco a Elite NFL quarterback?
The #Flaccoing has picked up tremendousley over the summer folks. For the unitiated, #Flaccoing is when you ask a customer service representative, Tinder match, or other unsupsecting person for there take on whether or not Joe Flacco is or is not a Elite NFL QB or not. Thank you for all your submissons but I have to remind you to include the hashtag so I can find them all. Heres this weeks #Flaccoing of the week:
First of all I just want to say that I hope Alex Gerber fails every grade of shcool twice with takes like these:
Hey Alex great joke that you made in your elementery school yearbook. Your literally making a joke in a publcaton that none of your peers even know how to read. Talk about a tree falling in the forest folks. You might as well be writing this joke on Deana Farve's G-Spot because the exact same amount of people will read it. I mean come on.
I guess the only thing Alec hates more then Joe Flacco is undershirts I mean Id hate to see Alec after gym class with his armpit's looking like the guaze that Gronk used after he got his first prince albert removed due to MRSA. Hey Alec cool name, hows it feel to be name after a guy whose claim to fame is literally "Im the most famous Baldwin brother"? How many Superbowls have you won Alec, unless your the new backup for Julian Edelman then I think the answers zero pal.
Alec do they call it a "private" school because its filled with dicks pussys and assholes? Because thats what you come across as when you talk trash about Joe Flacco whose literally on the verge of being a Elite QB. What are you Elite at Alec? Mystery powders? Well thats great because with trash opinons like these your going to need to be able to tell the difference between coke and heroine just by how the balloon in your butt feels because you obvously have no future at a real job.
Guess what Alec? Thats technicaly not even a real joke. If you had ever seen the Blue Coller Comedy Tour you'd know that. A joke has to have a setup, a punchline, timing, and a laugh track played after it so people know its suppose to be funny. But its obvous that with takes like these you dont have any friends much less ever seen it on televison. With takes like these you wouldnt last a minute even on NBC Sports.
That said, this is a strong take.
This week's rating is: Hes a disgrace
10 Things I Know I Know
1. Aaron Hernendez is trying to appeal based on the ground that one of the jurors may of heard about one or more of his other pending trials for shooting people. I actually think Hernendez has a excellent chance at getting his conviction overturned based on the evidents here but not for the reasons that youd think. The fact that only one juror may of heard about his other murders tells me his attorney has been negligent. Hernendez had basically set his attorney up to use the rarely seen, but effective strategy of tainting the entire jury pool by attemping to murder or at the very least, threatening to kill every person in the state of Masachusettes thereby securing him a mistrial. You can bet your bottom dollar that if Belichick had been representing Hernendez throughout this trial he would of found the loophole before the prosecuton had time to adjust.
2. Robert Griffins girlfriend or whatever had her first baby last week, prompting RG3 to talk about her and forcing me to click on a link about it and read his quote:
You have a little being, that I can carry like a football, you know I won’t. But, I could
I could make a easy joke about how often Griffins would drop her but instead Ill take the high road and just congratulate Rebecca for being the first Griffin to ever carry something for 9 months without fumbliing once.
Her names Reese Griffin and shes obvously inherited her fathers maturty and tendency to whine until shes coddled.
3. Science proves that woman are more attracted to men who spell bad in there online dating profiles. Ive known this for years but now: the secrets out folks. Women want a man whose more experenced with his tool then with his school. When you misspell words left and right in your dating profile your negging the entire gene pool and it dosen't get any more alpha then that. Women know our dark secret that if we have time to spellcheck thats just less time for forplay.
4. NFL Network did there Top 10 Gutsiest Performences of All Time, and it is the most disgracful list I have ever seen. They gave Ronnie Lott the NUMBER THREE spot for LITERALLY CUTTING HIS OWN BROKEN FINGER OFF DURING A NFL GAME. Number two was literally Kellen Winslow being tired after the end of a game. Number one was Jack Youngbood playing with a broken leg but being to chicken shit to cut the damn thing off. In realty Jack Youngbloods broken leg stunt was a big look at me ploy to get the world to feel sorry for him. DO you know how many NFL players play with a broken leg every day? Probably hundreds. Plus Youngblood played throughout the entire playoffs AND that wasnt even enough attenton for him so he deicded to play in the Pro Bowl with it a week after the Superbowl. Get your act together NFL Network.
5. Marcus Mariota keeps saying how playing soccer made him into a better football player growing up. I guess thats why he never throws a deep ball because he always thinks his recevers are offside. The only thing soccer ever taught any one was how to be worse at football.
6. Its almost like Howie Long gets it a little too much. His large adult sons play on the Bears and the Rams but they act more like SEALs off the field, which is ironic because there named Chris, Kyle.
7. Meanwhile, Jack Harbaughs large adult son in insane.
(pic via Albert Cesare)
8. All hail the bushman
9. Von Miller stinks. He has been fined more then any other Denver Bronco for farting during team meetings. Allthough its encouraging to see Miller stinking up a meeting room instead of a Superbowl, I still think it speaks to the real lack of maturty in that lockeroom. Mark Schlereth at laest had the good sense and commitment to and actualy shart instead of literally half assing it. But what makes things worse is Miller blatant lack of understanding of history:
I keep trying to tell them it’s not healthy if I just sit there and hold it in. Nobody in the world does that.
Well actualy there are about 30 million dead Russian troops who didnt think it was ok to release toxic gas in confined spaces.
10. The NFL gets it right on fantasy sports once again. Fantasy football is for football players who weren't good enough to tell people how good they used to be in high school. This past weekend they shut down a fantasy football conventon that Tony Romo was hosting in Las Vegas along with several other NFL players. The league literally called players moms to tell on them that appearing at a casino would violate the leagues gambling policy. Thats how you get things done. Teams across the league should be taking notes that the best way to get a player to do something is to tell his parents that there screwing up. It would make Adrian Peterson look like father of the year if Rob Gronkowskis dad found out his son was going to a casino without him.
11. The Patriots have released Liebacker Brandon Spikes after his car was found in the median of a road with front-end damage after it was reported to OnStar that he had hit a deer with it. There was no dead animal found by law enforcement, which is actualy evidence that Spikes was driving the car since it went for the big hit instead of wrapping up and allowing the deer to get past him.
This weeks sign we're living in the Golden Age of Takes: Caitlyn Jenner's REAL courageous move:
Fox News hosts Andrea Tantaros and Eric Bolling said Monday that Caitlyn Jenner's real bravery rested in her declaration of being a Republican instead of her gender transition.
"I think it was more courageous to come out as a conservative than to come out as Caitlyn, I mean truthfully," Tantaros said.
Makes you think.
This week in Darren Rovell: