There's been alot of talk this offseason about whether or not the NFL's obvious plans to expand to Europe are a good idea. The MMQB's Jenny Vrentas (sup?) even took a extended trip over there to see what the World Bowl was all about. Well I went on a fact-finding mission of my own to see if Europe would buy in to embracing Americas superior, less corrupt form of football and I came back with a suprising answer.
There not only ready for a team, theire ready for a entire division. Europe is a country filled with NFL fans who just dont know it yet.
I've never wanted to go to France. They have as many Superbowls as they do World War To victories and from what I hear its harder to find a ice cold bottle of Mad Dog over there then a stick of deoderant. It just so happened I got a vacation package as part of my settlement from my lawsuit against Trojan Magnum condoms so I figured, what the hell, maybe 7 days in the birthplace of porn wouldn't be such a bad idea afterall.
They say that travelling will make you see the world in a diffrent way but I guess you’d have to ask Lebron James about that. But I figured I could at least try and go down in the record books for being the first person who didnt have to fight the French Army to make it all the way across the country in one week.
The realty is that France is more prepared for a NFL team then you or I would of ever thought. There tolerence for corruption amongst their football commissioners would make Roger Goodell look like St. Peter. And it didn't take me long to figure out that that the French pack the biggest lunchpail of any country because it literally takes them 3 hours every day to eat it. This is a country that use to execute people if their takes weren't strong enough. Can you imagine if Stephen A Smith and Skip Bayless talked about boxing and the person who didnt have the strongest defense of Floyd Mayweather was executed? This is what 18th century France was like.
First, I went and paid my repsects to Napoleons tomb for giving the Russians the blueprint on how to beat the Nazis. Say what you want about Stalin but his prevent defense deisgned to run out the clock until the end of the season changed the course of history. One thing I learned was that due to there rich history of getting defeated by Germany, the entire nation of France seemed to be experiencing Stockholm Syndrome. Check out this WiFi network I saw one night when I was drinking in a bar:
But having a deep admiration for Hitler isnt necessarily a non-starter for getting a NFL franchise I mean just take a look at the Steelers fanbase. The league can overlook that if need be.
The first taeks
Ok so you all know me, Im not a art guy. The only Avant-Guard stuff I usually care about is how you stop the Eagles passing attack folks. But one of the mimes finally broke down and told me to go to Musee D'Orsee after a half hour of me asking him if he thought Joe Flacco was a Elite QB, so I went and checked it out and let me tell you I thought for the most part it was a bunch of trash. I guess Claude Monet thought it was hilarious to sit around doing impressons of shitty flowers and medium-healthy grass meadows but give me Frank Calendo riffing on Howie Long anyday. You want to see a impressonist? Give me Kevin Pollack over Jackson Pollack anydays folks. The fact is that the Album cover from "Load" by Metallica was more of a impressionist style work of art then anything hanging up in any damn French musem, thankfully I always carry a copy around with me so I taped one to the wall which immediately drew a bigger crowd then any Van Go.
But the more I walked around pretending to admire the paintings while actualy just looking to see if any of the paintings showed some boobs, the more I began to realize exactly why art is so important: Its because art is the original takes.
Back in the day when there was no such thing as think pieces and TV shows where two guys sit around and yell at each other about a event that already happened, there was art to tell you how to interpret something that you could of just gone out and saw for yourself. Yeah you could look at a flower in the middle of a field for a couple hours but how would you ever know if that flower was Elite unless you could beat Manet in a debate about what the true flowerness of that flower really was?
For a great example of this I went to the Louvre. First thing you notice on your way to see the Mona Lisa and get the hell out is that back in the day all the Italian painters painted was picture's of smiling pastel Jesus. They obviously did this to show the world the reverse racism against Christianity- since you could draw all the cartoons you wanted of Jesus without worrying about getting attacked.
So anyways after the Crusades and Spanish Inquisition, it seems like there was a law passed saying that every painting in the world had to be of Christ or his mom, and each time the color of his skin had to be lighter then the last one. That was until Da Vinci sat down and painted a realstic portrait of a actual olive skinned female instead of a lily White Virgin Mary, he was literally asking all the other italian painters "is Jesus black enough?"
And the modern art museum was even cooler. There was one sculpture that was literally just a toilet nailed to a desk which struck me as a type of motivational tool Jack Del Rio might install to remind his team about there upcoming drug tests:
And then theres this contemporary sculpture of Brett Farve:
So in other words, France is clearly crazy about the NFL they just dont know it yet. But having a rabid fanbase doesnt really mean anything unless they can afford to support it I mean take a look at the Buccaneers who's only season ticket holders are porn stars and former professonal wrestlers but they have never won a Superbowl without Mike Alstott.. Sure France has a history of takes, and they drink a lot at lunchtime, and judging by this store that was everywhere downtown I dont think they have a major PC Police problem:
However a commitment to not being PC goes both ways. If your going to name a store after Redskins then you have to be ok with this I guess:
But despite the clear evidence that I have presented demonstaring France's readiness to accept a NFL team, the real test is if they would be willing to invest the money where it counts.
And whatever lingering doubt I had that France could support a NFL franchise was completely dashed when I took a trip out to Versaille. Despite the mansion's oppressive "No dipping" policy, I walked away convinced that France is probably the most NFL ready nation in the world, even moreso than the United States. Youd have to beat Jerry Jones off with a damn sitck once he learned about a entire COUNTRY filled with taxpayers who will give up all there money to build a flashy gigantic taxpayer-funded monument to a rich old insane guy who had a bunch of titles given to him in his first couple years but then never accomplished anything except having a idiot son, folks.
I mean come on. This is a country that's ready for some football.
In conclusion, I think France is pretty much ready for a NFL team or at least the Jaguars.