We're required to remind you that these strong takes are SATIRE. Sorry, not sorry. All spelling errors are intentional, we think. -- The editor.
Wellcome to the Monday Morning BM,, just a word of warning your probably not prepared to handle the strong football takes and barrelfire NFL truths that you never knew your Mondays were missing. This column is written for and by a REAL fan of the NFL. Its designed to be read on your Monday Morning commode break after a long Sunday eating bad-for-you food and drinking beers. If you care more about SPELLING then you do about TELLING theres the door because this columns not for you.
The DeflateGate punishment phase has enetered into its final act and it is absolutely riveting stuff. There have been suspensions, appeals, and appeals of who gets to hear the appeals, and finally, another appeal.
Now folks are reporting that Goodell is willing to negotate a lesser suspension for Brady in exchange to dropping this legal challenge, and my sources are telling me that Goodell is going to have the last laugh on this one.Tom Brady literaly begged and pleaded for his 4 game ban to be brought down, but Tom Brady is just some dumbass egotistical football player who needs to spend more time deflating his own head then a football, and Roger Goodell is the most humble NFL commissioner we've ever seen.
Goodell is about to have his way with Brady. Here are the two scenarios that league circles have indicated that Goodell is considering:
1. Roger Goodell is considering not suspending Brady at all, but that he wont even tell Brady his decison until the end of the season. Hes going to make Brady play all year with Goodells sword hanging over his head by a thread just knowing that he could be supsended at any time during any game. Fans would love this and it is a worse punishment then actually suspending him. Its the Cold War of disclpline and it would be a real treat watching Belichick struggle to see which quarterback he would lie about including on the weeks injury report.
After the Patriots win every game and get to the Superbowl, Goodell will step in and finally say that hes thought this thing through long enough, and that his decision is that its a one game suspension effective immediately and that Tom Brady wont be aloud to play for another ring. Boom you talk about a storyline folks. Then he could act all like "What I thought you wanted your suspension reduced! Cant have it both ways Tom." and everyone has a good laugh while Brady sits there with his balls up his own butt. Goodell would earn instant credibility with the fans, and also bolster his chances for the 2016 Vice Presidental nomination.
Legally speaking, Goodell doesnt have to make up his mind on anyones timetable but his own. Funny how Patriots fans wanted the jury to take there time on the Aaron Hernandez verdict but when it comes to Tom Brady theres a real sense of urgency. Just goes to show you that most fans from Boston are racist against murderers.
Like it or not, Roger Goodell is a wartime commissioner, and the sheer fact that hes completeley botched so many other decisions means that he has earned the right to take his time on this one. Heck, it took George Bush two and a half years to announce his punishment on Iraq for there role in the 9/11 attacks.
SB Nation presents: How Pats fans feel about the Wells Report
Road Grader of the Week: Carolina Panthers Fullback Lee Ward
Ward is a rookie for the Panthers. The Stanford graduate is a thinking mans Mike Tolbert and a eating mans Danny Woodhead. Heres a quick exerpt from his interview with the Panthers website:
"I would love to get the ball on an occasional handoff," Ward said. "But I'm a bruising, blocking fullback – someone who opens up running lanes, kind of like a road grader."
Love this attitude. The guy had one carry over his 4 years at Stanford and his degree in product design and engineering shows he was more concern about his GPA then his YPA.
Ward graduated with a degree in science, technology and society, which combines product design and business management.
Ward has some ideas for possible inventions, but he's putting those on a shelf while he tackles the profession of football head-on.
A football player dosen't need to invent anything. The perfect play has existed for 100 years already, its called "put a hat-on-a-hat and let Jesus take care of the rest." So its ironic that off the field he's literally obsessed with gadget plays.
He has perhaps the most impressive college statsheet Ive ever seen. Last year he had 1 carry, 2 receptions and one touchdown. Thats efficiency folks. He also literally has more tackles in his college career then rushing yards. This is a guy you should get behind if your a NFL fan and especially if your Jonathan Stewart.
Fan of the Week: Popcorn Man
Love this guy. I use to be in sales for several different satellite TV and cable providers as well as a number of work from home opportunties where my income was literally unlimited, and one technique they taught us was to use whats known as a "Up Front Contract." In this case, our popcorn friend is letting the Bucs know up front "hey, just so you know I becaome a deranged maniac when I smell popcorn, so I'm giving you a heads-up here" which means that he is not responsible for any damage he might cause in the ensuing confusion. In the PR world this is whats known as "getting out in front of the story."
(h/t Jared Lubin)
Joe Flacco Elite-O-Meter:
It has been my contenton that Joe Flacco is whats known as Baldingers Cat- both Elite and Not Elite at the same time. Each week MMBM will track Joe Flaccos performence in order to determine once and for all the answer to the unanserable NFL debate: Is Joe Flacco a Elite NFL quarterback?
First of all its time to ask the question- is Joe Flacco a gang member of the Crips? Heres all the evidence you need folks:
I thnk the evidence is pretty clear and the NFL needs to focus more on Flaccos gang-banging then on LeSean McCoys.
But in more important political news...
The Des Moines Register would like you to answer a survey question before continuing this article:
Yes folks it seems that the liberal media is trying to smother the flames of Trump-mania by instituting there own version of a poll tax on this article. You almost have to admire just how conniving this move is- you get folks who come to this site for a update on which group Donald Trump is insulting this week, but your not allowed to read the rest of the article until you are able to answer a question that has been proven over the last 3 seasons to be literally unanswerable.
Im not sure whose responsible for this but the fact that Joe Flacco hasnt come forward to condemned the Register for using his name as a way to turn authorized readers away tells me that hes either ignorant or complicit and neither one is a quality I want in my signal caller folks.
This week's rating is: Hes a disgrace
10 Things I Know I Know
1. Now I have no concrete PROOF that this guys a NFL fan but I find it basically impossible that a fan of any other sport would have to balls to rock a pencil thin chinstrap along with a "Your not alive unless your Livin" tattoo.
2. One thing I missed while I was gone is the start of NBA free agency, which is basicaly like saying that as a Dad Im so sorry that my vacation with my buddys just happened to be scheduled at the same time as all my kids drum recitals. There were lots and lots of DeAndre Jordan takes out there but perhaps none surpassed this one left on SB Nations Mavs Blog
Note to DeAndre: its called leukeMEa for a reason. I would never wish ill will on anyone but you have to agree that he deserves to die for not playing for this internet comments favorite team.
3. In some off the field news Im happy to report that I have agreed in principal to a franchise tag with SB Nation through the 2015 season at wich point I will become a restricted free agent. Im betting on myself here and ready to get to work providing you with the strongest NFL takes possible instead of becoming a big distracton during traning camp and making a holdout. Just goes to show you that I am a better human being and better teammate then Russell Wilson. You know what the first thing I did when I got my first check was? I burned it to make me hungrier for my next one.
"Success isnt earned, its least. And rent is due every day."
-Thomas Jefferson, our least racist slave-owning President.
4. Ok all jokes aside, Robert Griffin III might be a sociopathic murderer. He went on "Redskins Nation" which is a show thats pretty much like if Baghdad Bob, Joseph Goebbels and Robin Williams from Good Morning Vietnam had a three-way baby that wasnt talented enough to get on a conventonal TV show and then gave it up for adoption to Dan Snyder. Well Griffin went on there show to promote a new T-Shirt or something, and was asked what his favorite hamburger toppings were.
"I like egg, hashbrown, and a little bit of maple syrup."
What. The. Hell. is wrong with this guy.
Anyone who's ever read a week two injury report would know that Griffin is truly a "break-fast" type guy, folks, but this is ridiculous.
It was obvous from the word "go" that Griffin would never order bacon on his hamburger like a real American. Maybe if he were as concerned with "holding the pigskin" on the field as he is in a diner he would of won more than 5 games the last two season. Just awful stuff all around here.
Washington gets alot of bad publicity for never winning any football games but the mental gymnastics they go through to justify paying thousands of money to Dan Snyder alone makes them the most creative fanbase in football, dont believe me then check out this awsome pledge of allegience:
And it seems that Washington picked up a few tricks from practicing against the New England Patriots last year since there annual training camp economic impact report drasticaly overinflates there web traffic:
The Redskins broke down the report by individual events. Their report noted that there were 58.1 million "unique visitors" to stories about a clinic for high school coaches that featured ESPN analyst Jon Gruden.
Im sorry but I dont think theres a single webpage that has ever had 58 million unique impressions besides Frank Calendos Youtube, folks.
5. While I was gone I also missed the epic saga of Tony Sirgusa trying to return probably a half dozen monster cables to a Best Buy. Buckle up folks because this is one for the ages:
6. Sickens me to see this witch hunt trying to paint Hulk Hogan as a racist when some of his daughters best friends are black.
7. Im starting to get real excited for football folks. Heck, even the college stuff is getting my blood going right now. Whenever I'm in need of a pick me up I either watch the end of "Rudy" or I read this exerpt from a interview with Alabama superfan Lee Allen:
"He's a winner, he just does what he wants to do," says Lee Allen, an Alabama fan from Decatur. "He's kind of like Hitler. He's a dictator. He brought us back to the top and I figure we're going to be here for a while. Money well spent."
Wait, what? Hitler? You mean that as a compliment? "Yeah," Allen says in between discreetly spitting tobacco juice into a water bottle in the lobby.
Oh hell yeah Im ready to run through a minefield for some pigskin folks.
8. Its nice to be back from my break. in case you missed it on Friday I wrote about my trip to France, what I didnt tell you is I also went to Spain, which is a terrbile country full of losers. They are so consisntantly getting beaten at stuff that they literally made a entire new letter in their alphabet because of how often they put up two "L"s back to back. Not my scene,
The country obvously cares more about soccer then football. Barcelonas latest craze is called "Tapas" which translates to "little bites" and is the national dish of Luis Suarez.
9. I'm officially concern about JJ Watt. It seems he's been more worried about palling around with actors than acting like a professonal. He's developed a close friendship with Arnold Swarzenegger who issued a challenge to the Texans Pro Bowler:
Well I'm a squats truther I guess. lets take a look at the facts here: He has 115 lbs on a Smith machine which Im sorry but thats not that inpressive. When your on the field on NFL sunday there's not going to be support cables to assist your pad level so why is there one in your gym? You know I seem to recall another group of people that supported a iconic Austrian back in the day.
10. Im concern that NFL coaches arent putting in the long hours necessary to win. Jim Tomsula literally used to live in his car with a cat but now he's gotten soft and has a family and bedsheets like a millionare.
Theres something to be said for spending more time with the family but I remember another fella who cared about spending time with his family in Californa and his name was Charles Manson.
11. Shame on the Washington Post for there embarassing muchraking into Chip Kellys past. The "paper of record" in D.C. followed Gawkers lead, tracked down Kelly's ex-wife and thereby outed Chip Kelly as a heterosexual. The silence is deafening in the aftermath, So I guess its not ok for journlists to out people as gay but no one bats a eye when they out someone as straight?
Reader MailPail- Tortilla Flats, where the only thing hotter then the salsa is the takes:
Kind of ironic that they used a New England Patriot to highlite illegal survellence issues IMO. Maybe put down the tin foil hat and pick up a history book.