We're required to remind you that these strong takes are SATIRE. Sorry, not sorry. All spelling errors are intentional, we think. -Ed.
Wellcome to the Monday Morning BM,, just a word of warning your probably not prepared to handle the strong football takes and barrelfire NFL truths that you never knew your Mondays were missing. This column is written for and by a REAL fan of the NFL. Its designed to be read on your Monday Morning commode break after a long Sunday eating bad-for-you food and drinking beers. If you care more about SPELLING then you do about TELLING theres the door because this columns not for you.
Over the weekend, James Harrison made the news when he correctley made his 6 and 8 year old sons give back there student-athlete participaton trophies as a way of teaching them a life lesson about nothing being handed to you. I agree with James that this generaton of milleneals is being coddled from the get-go. Nowdays you get a certificate just for being born. In my day you had to earn it, which is why Im not even going to make eye contact with my son untill he proves to me that he can either physically dominate me in a wrestle, or by sleeping with a prettier girl then I ever have. Sorry if that makes me old fahsioned but I'm actually not sorry. But even worse then the kids these days, is this generaton of parents is out there giving Harrison a "great job" sticker just because he's not screwing his kids up, and treating him like a American hero for just being a decent parent.
Ill tell you this much: if I catch my kid getting a particpaton trophy first thing I'm doing is taking him to the trophy store. Tell him, "Hell son, if you like trophys so much why dont you take the whole bunch of them." Make him stand up there in front of God and everyone accepting each and every trophy in the store until he's physically ill. But you know what? I wont have to post a instantgram about it to brag to the whole world, because the reward for doing the right thing should be internal, you shouldnt have to need 1,000 thumbs up from strangers online when it comes to depriving a kindergartner of a award.
James Harrison needs to quit acting like he earned our respect for doing something hes suppose to do. This is the problem with our country today- we've got "look-at-me" parents who were raised to think that every thing they do is special posting online every time they do the bare minimum by taking away their kids awards. If I was James Harrisons parents I would make him immedately delete that post and hand over all the likes and shares he got to someone whose really earned them for going above and beyond as a parent like Balloon Boys dad or Chris Kyle. Just sad that in todays America you get a "father of the year" award just for doing the right thing for a change.
I guess in todays selfie world, you have to make a big deal out of saving your children from a lifetime of psychological damage that comes along with getting a trophy at the age of 6. Whatever happened to taking away a kids trophy from your 6 year old son just because its the right thing to do? If Harrison really understood what effective parenting was all about he would of taken those giant faux-phies and thrown them into the trash silently without demanding that the world gives him a pat on the back for it.
Heck, when I was a kid my parents took stuff away from me all the time but you didnt see them writing a letter to the editor about how they threw away my porn, or gave my dog back to the pound because I didnt set a hard enough edge during football practice. Plus you talk about a humble brag folks, by rubbing this bit of parenting in our faces he's basically saying, "Hi this is James Harrison and Id like to let the world know that I had sex on two seperate occasions six and eight years ago not to brag." When you think about it, children are just a participation trophy for having sex.
Road Grader of the Week: Obviously Danny Woodhead
Dannys back folks and the odds-on favorite for comeback player of the year announced his presence with a lil 8-yard TD scamper verse the Cowboys last week. There wasnt a dry eye in my house when the Newsboy ran one in for 6, and tossed the ball back to the official like he's been there before.
One thing thats important to note is that while yes, there may of been a huge hole for Danny to hit, you have to take into account the fact that his offense of line blocks alot harder for him than they do for other, more physically imposing running backs. Its like a exit poll during an election, if you have a lot of confidents in your RB, your going to slack off and not block as hard. Although its unfair, Dannys diminuitive appearence gives his linemen a feeling that they're trailing by about 5 points with 95% of precincts reporting so they mobilize at the grassroots level and start opening up lanes for the little guy.
Fan of the Week: Brace Yourself
This guy is my kinda guy. Just because you got into a car accident on the way into the stadium dosent mean you cant toss back a couple cold Miller lites and boo the heck out of Teddy Bridgewater. Also, if Im a victims rights attorney, Im buying season tickets in the row right behind him and just waiting for the paychecks to start coming in.
Joe Flacco Elite-O-Meter:
It has been my contenton that Joe Flacco is whats known as Baldingers Cat- both Elite and Not Elite at the same time. Each week MMBM will track Joe Flaccos performence in order to determine once and for all the answer to the unanserable NFL debate: Is Joe Flacco a Elite NFL quarterback?
Noted PFT Commenter reader Elie Goldstein (sup Elie) brought a sign into the Ravens first preseason game reading "Yes Joe Flacco is "a" Elite QB." She managed to get Joe's attenton after the game and he autograhed her poster for her- a tacitly implying that he endorses her sign.
@PFTCommenter in response to your poster! pic.twitter.com/Wrz4G8d5Iw— Libby Goldstein (@ellgee79) August 14, 2015
This would seem to close the case right? Wrong.
The wisest man is the man who knows that he knows nothing and the second you start talking about being a Elite QB in the NFL is the second you stop playing like one. I want a QB who dosent know how to spell the word Elite much less recognize it on a sign in the bleachers from 100 yards away. Memo to Joe- I need you to be Raven-hearted rather than Eagle eyed wth this type of stuff. The fact that Joe was even able to spot this sign tells me he's got rabbit ears for eyes and needs to focus more on whats going on in the standings then in the stands.
This week's rating is: Is Joe Flacco Elite?
10 Things I Know I Know
1. Marcus Mariota and Jameis Winston are on the fast track to bust-ville. Folks I've seen better rehearsal performances in Spider Man on Broadway. Mariota might be saying "Aloha" (the "bye version) just to the starting job just as soon as he said "aloha" (the "hello" version) in the first place. Both rookies threw interceptons in there first couple of series which puts them both on pace to throw 40 INTs this year. (Would be a dubious NFL record for the two of them to share). Fortunately teams are starting to recognize that you dont need to draft a QB of the future when hes allready on your roster, and the Chargers gave a huge contract extention to Phillip Rivers- a known commodity who can get you as far as any of the first two rounds of the playoffs.
2. In the last MMBM, I gave Chip Kelly the coveted "Road Grader of the Week" award for suspending RB DeMarco Murray for a day from practice for being too hydrated. I was wrong to praise him so quickly. Just when I thought he was a real old school football coach, I get a tip from a reader telling me that Chip Kelly had the Eagles doing sunrise yoga in the Lincoln field parking lot the morning of there game against the Colts:
I stopped by my car first then proceeded to walk directly towards the group in hopes of snapping a picture, but they were heavily garded. I saw with my own 2 eyes the team doing yoga stretches in unison. unreal. Then as I headed back to my room, I snapped this picture from the 3rd floor window near the elevator. My wife was not going to believe I saw the second best team in Pennsylvania doing yoga stretches in a parking lot on a Sunday morning! NOT very Christian IMO.
And heres the photo evidence:
@PFTCommenter Chip's Eagles doing yoga in my hotel parking lot this morning. Must have lunch pails full of toefoo. pic.twitter.com/BXuBhO85KI— The JMcD (@JayMickDeez) August 16, 2015
I thought the Eagles had moved on from downward facing dog ever since they got rid of Mike Vick.
3. A Australian mom made the news for posting pictures of her breastfeeding two toddlers at once except heres the ting- one wasnt her own. Apparently she has worked out a relatonship with her friend that allows her to breastfeed both children while the other mom is at work- she calls the boys "milk siblings" which is pretty badass and will probably not make it weird for them when they get to middle school.
Couple things to unpack here.
First of all if you've never made the journey through breastfeedng moms facebook I highly recommend it. Its full of healthy hints and tips for why breastfeedng is actualy good. Its like having a militant group of people posting every spare thought who have somhow convinced themselves that people who wear hats are being violoentley persecuted during the playing of national anthems.
Second of all from a Darwinian perspective, this makes no sense. if you want to pass your genes down and have your child have a better chance at procreaton why are you literaly giving nourishment to his competition? What if this other boy grows up to one day murder your son bet you'd feel stupid. I mean its probably not going to happen but from a evolutonary standpoint this is bad parenting.
4. Donald Trump has cemented himself as the leading canidate amongst the coveted "Internet Commenter" demographic, but Hillary Clinton has now gone out of her way to alienate them, saying:
"The feelings that come out over the internet, you would never say that to someone standing in front of you," said Clinton. "Then why would say it on the internet? Why would you engage in homophobia or racism or sexism?"
Maybe Hillary just dosent care anymore and is going full Bullworth here. I mean what other explanaton could she have for alienating the internet commenter vote? Got to love the irony in Hillary Hotmail Clinton literaly saying "Why would you say anything on the internet that you woudnt want others to hear?"
5. Tim Tebow autogrphaed a Bible:
I’m pretty sure someone got Tim Tebow to sign a bible. Don’t know how I missed this before… #Eagles pic.twitter.com/B33xCoPFbH— Matt Mullin (@matt_mullin) August 12, 2015
Can we please make this a thing. Can someone please get Mark Sanchez to autograph Lolita or Sam Bradford to put the ol John Hancock on a copy of the Physicians Desk Reference, or Big Ben to sign "Greys Anatomy?"
6. Target made the news last week by announcing that they will no longer sell boys and girls toys in seperate sections. I dont know if I want to live in a world where footballs and soccer balls are on the same aisle folks.
7. You fly too close to the sun and your going to get burned. (the sun is technically a star, just like- you guessed it- Danny Woodhead) :
8. Oscar Pistourious was just released from prison after serving a lengthy 10 month sentence for literally murder, and anyone whose worth their weight in nuggets should be thinking about the implications for the NFL and your fantasy team. Obvously given his combinaton of off-the-field issues and pure speed this has Raiders written all over it, but I cant help but feel this has Patriots reclamaton project written all over it. Get him n a system without accountabilty and let Belichick work the magic on him. Say what you want about Aaron Hernandez but Bill knows how to motivate killers into channeling there violence on the field. Also- tough to tear a ACL when you dont have legs to begin with.
9. JJ Watts dad gave a long interview to the University of Wisonconsin website about how he tries to stay out of the limelight. Innovative strategy.
One thing I found concerning is that he talked about how JJ goes home after a game and watches the night games with his mom, which got me thinking- what are the odds that Watt still breastfeeds and maybe thats the secret behind his tremendous success and work ethic. Technically according to various breastfeeding advocacy groups' facebook comments, mothers milk is the most nutritous supplement in the known universe (except for Jesus), so it stands to reason that JJ has engineered his NFL dominance not only through hard work but also through continued and prolonged breastfeeding well into his twenties.
One things for sure- all eagle-eyed NFL fans are going to extra focused on Hard Knocks tomorrow to try and spot any background shots of JJ wolfing down milk. The cat could be out of the bag on this one.
10. Geno Smith selfishly started practicing rght after jaw surgery puttng his recovery at stake on day one of his recooperaton. Hey Geno, your a patient- act like it.
11. Huge Minor League Hockey logo redesign news here folks. The Kamloop Blazers have rebranded and changed there entire image from head to toe:
I cant even find Canada on a map and I am god damned psyched up for the Blazers 2015 season. Anytime you can get a vagina and a butt into your logo is fine by me.
12. John Harbaugh sided with Donald Trumps view on immigraton reform over the weekend.
"I’m going Trump here," Harbaugh said. "Build a wall, it’s not that hard. You don’t have a border, you don’t have a country. You’re not a country without a border, right? At the same time, you got 12 to 15 million hard-working people here. Give them a shot. Give them a chance, right, to become a citizen so they’re paying taxes. All of us know that it’s not complicated. But this side doesn’t want to solve it and neither does this side. Solve the problem!"
If Harbaugh had half as good a gameplan for how to keep Patriots from invading his territory last year as he does for keeping foreigners out then I could get on board with this. The realty is that I would love to see a coach go full Trump saying stuff like "Justin Forsett is a superstar, everyone loves him and agrees hes the most talented running back in the league.
SMH of the Week:
RGIII: 'I feel like I'm the best quarterback' in the NFL http://t.co/ffWK3PVXvf pic.twitter.com/LdBGG0kApD— Post Sports (@PostSports) August 17, 2015
hey man, listen.
A) The NFL has been losing a lots of money because of people ordering jerseys in China.
2) There was huge explosion over their last week.
and d) I still haven't gotten my Tebow Eagles jersey.
You think Goodelle blew up that place in China to protect the sheild?
I think you could really be on to something here, Mike. I wouldnt put it past Goodell to commit light acts of espionage in order to keep the revenue wheels turning. Im thinking that maybe putting a team in China isnt too far off here. Hell, given there track record on border securty I'm sure they could lure John Harbaugh to coach.
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