We're required to remind you that these strong takes are SATIRE. Sorry, not sorry. All spelling errors are intentional, we think. -- The editor.
Wellcome to the Monday Morning BM, just a word of warning your probably not prepared to handle the strong football takes and barrelfire NFL truths that you never knew your Mondays were missing. This column is written for and by a REAL fan of the NFL. Its designed to be read on your Monday Morning commode break after a long Sunday eating bad-for-you food and drinking beers. If you care more about SPELLING then you do about TELLING theres the door because this columns not for you.
So the sports world is all a buzz on the latest "controversy" that Cris Carter told NFL rookies at the leagues annual Rookie Symposium that they need to have a "fall guy" to take the wrap in case they ever get busted with guns, drugs, drunk driving, etc.
First of all lets take a moment to reflect on just how effective the rookie symposium has been. Can you even imagine what the state of the NFL would be like if we didn't have these rookie symposiums. Dear god it would be like a scene from Robocop except with slightly more violence in Detroit. Its just a great program where new players can go to be told now that there famous they have to be more careful about who they choose to assault, and when.
Let me say this about what it must be like to hang out with Cris Carter. The dude will go from laughing like the Undertaker while clowning someones shoes, to litearlly crying his eyes out and telling you about the time Santa didnt come to his house one time when he was 6 within the same sentence. I repsect a man who can tap into more emtions in a 20 second span than I even have in my entire body.
But lets take a quick look about what he actually said:
So I got to teach you all how to get around all this stuff too. If you're going to have a crew, one of those fools got to know he's going to jail. We'll get him out.
So instead of teaching these impressonable young men that hey- maybe you shouldnt smoke drugs until the NFLPA can come up with a arbitrary concession that will make the NFL enough money to agree to stop testing for marijuana- he just says "if your going to smoke then have a guy whose job it is to take the charge." Well I dont know about you folks, but I've already got my fall guy- Jesus Christ.
The man literally died to take the blame for my right to illegally carry a gun in my unregistered car. And Cris calls himself a Christian? Well I guess I missed the day in Sunday school where they say that my homeboy Travis can absolve me for all my sins folks. Thats the problem with our society- Cris should of been telling those players that they need to spend as much time figuring out how they can get into a church on Sunday as they do the end zone.
This is what all NFL players accpet for Tim Tebow need to learn- if your rolling around in your Chevy Impala (illegally tinted windows) and you got my crew in the backseat and you get pulled over cuz they stole a couple white owls or whatever, you've got a guy right there in your heart whose already got game-time experience getting crucified between the two thieves. Only the lord can do that and to insinuate otherwise is just another example of blasphemy in our today's society nowdays that persecutes Christians these days, I guess.
So thats all well and good, but if Christ is away for the afternoon helping someone to win a baseball game or having a private conversation with Ted Cruz, your going to have to improvise- which is why I would now personally like to offer up my services as a fall guy for any professonal athelte, preferably NFL. My rates are reasonable- all I require is a 2-day orientation period where me and you just catch a few hangs and talk some football and I just kind of pick your brain about the NFL and stuff. As for my prices, they go on a a la carte basis:
-DUI: 10 autographed footballs
-Possesion of marijuana: You have to record my answering machine message and refer to me as your "cool friend" on it. Plus you have to drive me to my ex-girlfriends house and honk your horn while we sit in your bitchin car blasting tunes until she calls the cops then speed away flipping her off and tossing your half-drank slurpee on her driveway
-Solicitation of prositution the night before a superbowl: Cant help you on this since it would technically be double-jeopardy for me.
-Murder: Game-worn jersey
-Dogfighting: I get to keep one of the (winning) dogs
-Threatening a TSA agent: You have to hold up a sign after you score a TD that says "Jane, he loves you give him another shot" with my picture on it
-Deflating footballs: No can do. A mans got to have a code.
And now on to this week's awards
Road Grader of the Week: Jarryd Hayne
Congrats to Australias Jarryd Hayne, joining Danny Dellevadova as the only two things from Australia that wont kill you or get you drunk within minutes of meeting them. Jarryd Hayne burst onto the scene in San Francisco which is a perfect town for a guys whose first name sounds like a App that lets you trade good recipes for pickling things. Mans got two "Y's" in his name because hes got two in his chromosomes- he's a mans man which is what you need to be in the NFL.
Jarryd comes from a rugby league background which is a version of the game where you literally take turns running straight into your opponent. Its like they took all the players who were to violent to play rugby union without clotheslining each other and made them play mens-league red rover. You literaly just run straight into the defense with no blocking for you whatsoever, so he should fit in perfectly behind the 49ers offensive line.
Impossible to get your padelevel any lower then a guy who's actually from down under folks. Plus, he strikes me as a Tomsula type guy, I call this guy Korean air because the Hayne Plane is about to make a unexpected impact in San Francisco, no offense.
Fan of the Week: Sad Predator
LOVE how he made his own predator costume from scratch. But this isnt any ordnary predator- this is a hard working predator as evidenced by the construction helmet. This is a predator that knows the meaning of a honest days work, a real lunch-pail type Predator. More concerned about punching the clock on the job site than taking the easy way out by punching the one on his wrist.
Ive allways admired the type of fan who goes to a game in costume wearing a mask that A. prevents them from watching the game clearly, and B. prevents them from drinking beers at a rate that I woud consider to be reasonable. But when your dressed to the 9s like this guy, it also means that your completely undercover and incognito. This really made me think. If El Chapo is watching this, one easy soluton to your escape might be to just become a die-hard NFL fan. Its not to late to see the light and trade in that UZI for a coozie, fire up the grill and start tossin footballs instead of 8 balls.
Theres a popular economic/foreign policy idea out there called the "McDonalds Thoery" that apothesizes that no two countrys that both have McDonalds have ever fought a war against each other- and while this is true unless you count the U.S. goverments planned takeover of Texas, I would go one step further and say that no countrys with NFL teams have ever fought a war against each other. So instead of fostering this drug war between the Sinaloas the Zetas and the federales, why dont we just give them the Raiders, Browns, and Titans? Everyone happy?
Joe Flacco Elite-O-Meter: Time to make a drastic change
It has been my contenton that Joe Flacco is whats known as Baldingers Cat- both Elite and Not Elite at the same time. Each week MMBM will track Joe Flaccos performence in order to determine once and for all the answer to the unanserable NFL debate: Is Joe Flacco a Elite NFL quarterback?
So between the whole GOP debate thing, and 6 other report's earnestley asking if Joe Flacco was Elite, and then a Joe Flacco Elite poster showing up in Abu Dhabi, we were only waiting on one more person to weigh in on the debate- thats right- "Meet the Press'" Chuck Todd:
Actually Chuck, like a typical politcio, didnt answer the question. Fortunately, MMBM reader Mr. Dubs asked his 8th grade class where they stood and they gave us some good data on how the younger generation sees the world:
Whether the question is "Is Joe Flacco Elite" or "Should we torture and kill American citizens" 8th graders are able to give more concrete answers then one of our nations most visible political commentators.
Irregardless, since Flacco's Eliteness has been in the news so much recently, the media was left to answer some important questions- namely- "Has 'is Joe Flacco Elite? jumped the shark?"
If indeed this queston has finally, after 4 full years of debate, finally reached the point where we no longer even want to know if Joe a Elite type guy or if he's next-tier, or whatever then I am fully prepared to accpet that. However, I would submit to you that with all these copycat news stories about Joe Flacco's Eliteness jumping the shark that saying "Is Joe Flacco Elite has jumped the shark" has jumped the shark.
But nevertheless the time has come to make some tough decisisons, which is why I am retiring for now, the Flaccometer and instead we will have a new feature:
This week's rating is: Harvard
10 Things I Know I Know
1. Hurricane Danny, which was a small, undersized, but deceptivley powerful hurricane hit peak strength early on Sunday and then fizzeld out. This first hurricane of the season was so much like Danny Woodhead it was unbelevable- here are some actual headlines:
Per the national hurricane center, Dannys a shifty little fella:
"The small size of the hurricane makes it susceptible to sudden changes in intensity, which are difficult to predict."
Meteorlogists are expecting Hurricane Danny to change directions with deceptive speed and start heading north/south pic.twitter.com/g1buWdKrp8— PFTCommenter (@PFTCommenter) August 20, 2015
2. According to JSTOR, there is actualy no such thing as good grammer. Words and language simply evolve, and over the last few hundred years its technically been getting loser and loser with the regulations.
On closer inspection, it seems the English language has been dying in fits and starts for hundreds of years, simply through its own evolution. Linguists would agree that there is a socially accepted standard dialect that rules much of the mainstream, literate world of the Anglosphere.
Thats right- everyone out there whose a grammer police is actually arguing against the force of evolution. Cant have it both ways, either I can use any form of the word "there" or the earth is 6,000 years old.
3. I'm starting to think that Jim Harbaugh really understands what it takes to build a football team:
Staffers describe the Michigan camp as a "submarine." It is all business with no distractions.— Tom Dienhart (@BTNTomDienhart) August 19, 2015
This is a recipe for success in college football- submarines have the lowest padlevel of any military analogy. But there going to have to have their act together if they stand any chance of competing against the only other B1G team thats even more committed to the Dive than they are:
4. I must of missed this but Sun King, a Indianapolis Brewery released a batch of there "Wee Mac" Scottish Ale with the born on date that read "Tom Brady Sux"
(Photo: Ryan Pitcher)
It took awhile for this story to get out presumably because Sun King just started expanding there delivery territory outside of Jim Irsays basement. But I have to say if theres a message that your trying to get across to Patriots fans the absolute best place to put it is at the bottom of a beer.
5. Big week for injuries as Jordy Nelson went down for the year with a torn-up knee, and being the team-player he is, gives Aaron Rogers a nice excuse for why he didnt win another Superbowl this year= there's no "I" in ACL. Is it me or did no one used to get hurt when I was younger? Seems like with the advances in modern medicine all we're doing is coming up with new ways for guys to say there injured. When I used to be on the football team it was either "I can play" or "I'm uncounscous" and hell, Joe Namath once threw for 250 yds while he was knocked out cold. Nowdays Maurkice Pouncey injures his crumping cankle and he gets a 8-week vacation. Must be nice.
6. Chris Borland got his name back in the news for explaining why he's a quitter. He gives a very thoughtful and measured interview about what its like to not be as tough as me. This led to a bunch of hand-wrigning in the "I hate sports" sports media crew who kept on asking themselves "Would I let my son play football if a girl ever let me have sex with them?" I'm here to say that not only will I force my son to play football, but I will also force him to force his son to play.
7. Word on the street is that Eli Manning wants to become the highest paid QB in the NFL which is like Jeb Bush saying he wants to be the highest paid United States President. I allways say that if your not the best QB at your own Thanksgiving then theres no chance your the best QB in the world.
8. Terrell Suggs is being accused of targeting Sam Bradfords knee after he laid a late-ish hit on the QB after Bradford handed the ball off to whatever running back Chip Kelly will be trading in 9 months. I say if you touch the ball on a play its either kill or be killed til that whissle blows.
9. USC coach Steve Sarkisian showed up probably very intoxicated to a Booster rally over the weekend and allmost got himself fired for it. He was slurring, wobbling and talking nonesense about Notre Dame, shades of Lou Holtz, really. So Pat Haden told him if he does it again hes fired, and I mean how much more out of touch with the common fan can these Athletic Directors get? If anything I think that all coaches should have to have a mandatory 3 fingers of Johnny Walker before getting behind any podium. Could you imagine every Andy Reid presser and hes got a dang margaritaville blender next to him that he turns on whenever someones asking about his 2nd 3rd quater challenge?
10. Peyton Manning still cant feel his fingertips folks. Its a copycat league and if Im a strength and conditioning coach I'm thinking that if your not working hard enough to herniate a disk then your not trying. The problem with alot of Quarterbacks is that they have too much feeling in there fingertips. You've got your Johnny Manziels rubbing them together everytime he makes a first down showing of all the nerve endings hes got, but in realty you cant hurt your hand if you cant feel it in the first place.
11. Centre College Defensive Line coach Jeffery Collett kept things loose at practice last week by getting himself tazed in front of his players to "boost morale".
Centre College just became instant contenders for a BCS berth folks. If you've got a coach who believe in your team so much (blah blah blah insert logic here) he gets tazed for you guys, what more could you ask for as a player? God dang this is a guy Id run through a brick wall for. I want to see Jim Harbaughs face when he sees this video- I mean how do you repsond? Because right now, Jeffery Collett is the leader in the clubhouse for best coach in the NCAA. Harbaughs probably on the phone right now calling in a police horse to kick him in the nuts at the end of practice just to get the crown back. Frankly this is emmasculating for every coach who hasnt done this yet. If I had any eligibilty left and was good at football I'd be making the first plane ride into Danville KY this morning folks. God dang.
Reader MailPail- James Harrison- Hypocrit?
I was just watchin The History Channel and they were saying how Christopher Colombus killed the Indians with disease. And then I realized that Jay Cutler is not vaxinating his kids so that they can get NFL defenders sick and have them dye and then they won't be able to intercept his passes, therfour bringing a Super Bowl to Chicago.
Well in the first place Im not so sure Jay Cutler is even on the spectrum of being a elite quarterback so I'm not sure if even preventing his children from getting vaccinated can save him now. You talk about high levels of mercury well Jays got high levels of Uranus- not even close to a star folks.
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SB Nation presents: There is not enough Tim Tebow coverage