We're required to remind you that these strong takes are SATIRE. Sorry, not sorry. All spelling errors are intentional, we think. -- The editor.
Wellcome to the Monday Morning BM, just a word of warning your probably not prepared to handle the strong football takes and barrelfire NFL truths that you never knew your Mondays were missing. This column is written for and by a REAL fan of the NFL. Its designed to be read on your Monday Morning commode break after a long Sunday eating bad-for-you food and drinking beers. If you care more about SPELLING then you do about TELLING theres the door because this columns not for you.
Can you believe this guy? Diva, premadonna, false prophet, fraud, clownshow, milleneal, Perv Griffin, any adjective you want to use- he's now Robert Griffin the Third String.
He came into the league spouting off puzzling faux-pilosophical phrases like some acient chinese philosopher, but ended up looking more like confuse-us. Now he has the nerve to take a spot on the bench from a teammate who is actually tired from playing. The drama never stops in DC folks. Just a bad teammate- is he graceful in defeat, yeah- DIS-graceful. But what else would you expect from a guy whose name literally transltes to "Robert Griffin ME-ME-ME."
And beleve you me, this is not a Robert Griffin column I want to be writing. It was so much more fun to think Griffin was bad when he was actualy good. Now that everyone thinks he's actually bad Im starting to wonder if he might be ready to be good again. But instead of using his demotion to foster any good will, all hes doing is showing up the depth chart by using this as a excuse to keep his name in the press by forcing me to continue writing about him.
Hope and change has finally come to Washington DC now that Captain Kirk is taking over the rains from John F Knee-edy. Washington is such a mess that its literally easier to change the name of a mountain then a starting QB in that town. But heck, id rather be living in Denali than Denial folks. You know, about 50 years before Griffin I seem to recall another young, charismatic leader in Washington who was replaced because of a dubious, unproven head injury. And the Lions got off so many shots against Griffin in such a short amount of time I was wondering if Detroits playbook had been checked out of a depository in Dealy plaza. Add into he fact that the game was literally being played on a grassy knoll and well it doesnt take a genius to put the pieces together. The Skins O-line was a Bay of Hogs type situation giving Gruden the pretext to have their leader replaced with someone who would actualy play ball. So yes, I guess you could say Im buying the fact that Jay Edgar Gruden did what he had to do to.
If the Camelot anology doesnt work for you then maybe we can look to Griffins roots. Try thinking about the last person you can remember from Waco who thought he was god. The good news is that lots of folks in DC are looking ahead to basketball season allready as opposed to waiting until late september to give up on the Skins. And while they're off to see the Wizards, lets not forget that Websters dictionary defines a Robert Griffin as a animal that had the head of a lion but the brain of a scarecrow.
Of course the haters will stand up for RG3 and just say that Griffins detractors are just being haters. Theyll queston the head coach and point to Grudens childhood in Ohio where pretty much everyone inexplicably falls in love with their Cousins. And theres some merit to that. I mean Cousins must seem literally familiar to a guy who coached Andy Dalton. And I would agree that Kirk is a poor-mans Andy Dalton. Now normally that would seem like a insult, but if he's a JV version of Andy Dalton, it actually means that in January he would be a rich mans Andy Dalton. In other words, if Kik Cousins were good enough to get your team to the playoffs, which he's not, he would probably be very good in them. Kind of a catch-22 situation but you cant catch lightning in a bottle if you dont electrocute yourself a few times.
It almost makes you wonder how a more experenced coach like Jon Gruden would of handled this whole mess any differently. In fact, with Griffin out of the picture I would submit that the only cornball brother left in DC is Jay Gruden folks.
And now on to this week's awards
Road Grader of the Week: Zack Zenner
At first look, this guy really passes the eyeball test. Strikes me as a combo of a Peyton Hillis/James Develin/Luke Ridnauer type of guy. I like to call this kid ZZ Top because hes a throwback to the seventies and looks like a sharp dressed man when he puts on the blues:
Fans of the Week: Everything about this picture screams "I make good choices"
Joe Flacco Elite-O-Meter: THE FLACCOMETER IS BACK
It has been my contenton that Joe Flacco is whats known as Baldingers Cat- both Elite and Not Elite at the same time. Each week MMBM will track Joe Flaccos performence in order to determine once and for all the answer to the unanserable NFL debate: Is Joe Flacco a Elite NFL quarterback?
So we took the Flaccometer down last week because frankly people were starting to abuse the Joe Flacco elite question. But just like ska music,pogs, and the missionary position, the debate is back in fashion.
The people over at Baltimore Magazine are asking the tough questons:
This is extremely concerning. If I'm a NFL GM, I want a ugly QB to minimize distractions. Listen I like a guy who spends time in the film room just as much as anyone, but its a fine line between watching yourself on tape for a extra hour each day and getting so caught up in your own appearance that you miss a team flight because your staring at your own reflection in the inner harbor. The artcle talks about how great he looks now that hes lost the unibrow but if you have two eyebrows you dont really have one folks.
This is not the Joe Flacco we have come to know and sometimes love. I want my Flacco to be more concern with winning, not climbing to the top of every females personal fantasy rankings.
This week's rating is: Is Joe Flacco Elite?
10 Things I Know I Know
1. "I'm a internet commenter, AND I VOTE" T-shirts are now avalable for purchase on strongtakes.com and I encourgae you to all go buy several of them. Proceeds go to my continuing electon coverage as well as 10% of profits to charity. We're allready about halfway sold-out so get your order in today. Available in S, M, L, XL, and XXL for my large adult sons and daughter's out there.
2. Michael Vick went to prison for running and financing a dogfighting operaton. People forget that
3. Well now youve done it folks. All of your incendiary takes about Roger Goodell and his alleged lack of any understanding of how to publicaly handle anything witht the word "discipline" in it have sparked a national emergency- namely a forest fire called "The Goodell Fire." It seems that over 6 thousand acres in north-central Washington are smoldering with flames that threaten the nearby Canadian town of Chillwack.
Usually when i hear the words "NFL" and "Smokey Bear" I immedately think of Sam Hurd folks.
4. Tom Coughlin turns 69 today. Nice.
5. King Obama pulled a Prince yesterday and changed the name of our nations best-named mountain into the virtually unpronouncable, vaguely ethnic probably, name of Denali. Why dont they just let the mountain have a normal name. Can you just imagine when that mountain get's older and is applying for jobs with such a unusual name on its resume? Just another line-item in Obamas long history of killing American jobs folks.
Why not name it after something we can all appreciate- call it Mount Reagan since its a big, white symbol of America, and its tough to top.
6. Reader Linda (sup?) sends in a disturbing artcle about the Oakmont (California) High School football team that practices using rugby-style scrum caps attached to there helmets in order to minimize the impact of concussive and sub-concussive blows. The science is still inconclusive about whether or not traumatic brain injuries are even a bad thing, but this much is for sure: the practice helmets look weird.
They "claim" that head injuries are way down this year which, techncialy, you could make the argument that its a good or a bad thing depending on which side of the "concussions build character" debate you find yourself on. But also maybe concussons are down because this year the Oakmont Vikings dont have 14 players on there team this year getting suspended for weed and other types of marijuana like they did in 2014. Since the symptoms for being concussed and being high are virtually identical- glassy eyes, blurry vision, enjoying listening to Phish for some reason, etc, its more probably then not that Oakmonts concussion stats from last year were blown way out of proportion. Plus, not getting a concussion because of some new safety-feature is basically a participation trophy- in my day if you wanted to make it through a football game without getting concussed you had to earn it by not getting tackled. I guess these days its just another example of the wussifcaton of America's youths these days, I guess.
7. The Pittsburgh Steelers have a seroius marijuana problem in their locker room. Between the Doobie Brothers of LeVeon Bell and LeGarrette Blount turning the inside of their car into Woodstock last year, and Martavis Bryant getting hit with a 4-gamesuspension, the historicaly conservative Steeler offense is looking less like run, run, pass,, and more like puff, puff, pass.
Maybe players coach Mike Tomlin should worry more about all the hits players are taking off the field than the ones on it. Say what you want about QB Ben Roethlisbergers youthfull indiscretons but at least he never smoked weed.
8. Dont look now but Jameisn't Winston might be on the verge of losing his starting job. The first overall pick played like he was on round number 7 or 8 on Saturday, literally throwing interceptions. Anytime you've got a guy with a neck as long as the towns main suspension bridge standing behind you, your going to have someone looking over your shoulder. Hell, maybe Jameis would be able to crack the starting line up if he had some melted butter to dip it in, I dont know.
9. The Buffalo Bills cut Fred Jackson today. Given his experence, Jackson could provide a valuable presence to many NFL lockerooms who have talented young running backs that there looking to undermine.
Buffalo also named Tyrod Taylor as there starting Quarterback continuing Rex Ryans endless fascination with guys who like to make things happen with there feet.
10. The NFL and Tom Brady had a court hearing today to determine just how much longer deflategate can drag out for without anyone realizing how stupid it is. This seems like classic misdirection here. Goodell certainley remembers what happened one year ago this week with the Ray Rice and Adrian Peterson situations so he;s very smartley keeping his calendar full with the one harmless scandal that he's already screwed up. You cant mismanage a new crisis if your still blundering your way through your last one and Goodell will take the Devil he knows instead of settling out of court with Brady and getting caught on tape paying Troy Vicent out of the player-fine fund to go do a drive-by on Sony pictures.
11. Speaking of the movie "Concusson" starring Will Smith, the NFL should respond by filming there own movie about how players who get concussions only do so because there not good enough to avoid them. Tell both sides of the story here. You dont want a concussion then how about you try not getting tackled?
We know you have a choice when it comes to choosing you godawfull satelitte TV and cell phone providers which is why twitter user "I Bet Trades" has put together this handy collage of there customer service representatives putting down the cans of dust-off long enough to address Joe Flaccos eliteness. The results are in, and cable companies really like Joe Flacco because he promises to show up on Sundays in a window between 1 PM and 11 PM eastern time.