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Donald Trump is bigger than the GOP

It's Donald Trump's world, we're all just lucky enough to still be living in it.

We're required to remind you that these strong takes are SATIRE. Sorry, not sorry. All spelling errors are intentional, we think. -Ed.

SIMI VALLEY -- The Ronald Reagan Presidental library is tucked away about a hour north of Los Angeles, close enough to keep a eye on the loony-toon Hollywood libs but far enough away to not have to smell them. I got there a day before the debate just like NFL players do when they have a game and they do a walkthrough. This was a business trip.

For some reason, the Reagan Presidential Library had a huge exhibit about football, because in America if your going to attract people to a library you better at least give them some sports to look at. They had Washington Redksins "Just Say No" jersey that they gave to Nancy Reagan. Ironically the Just Say No program had a higher completion percentage then any Redskins Quarterback in the last 20 years. Plus they had a deflategate exhibit set up as a gentle way to remind the NFL that when it comes to teams providing there own QB balls you should trust- but verify.

After spending time in a library I generally find that I have to gotta cleanse my eyes out with some porn just to maintain homeostases, so I drove down to Vivid Entertainment HQ whose main offices are in Los Angeles. I also wanted to get a quote from them about Presidential hopefull "DEEZ NUTS" campaign so I stopped by there offices but no one would let me in because it was almost midnight and the office building was closed.

Live and learn.

But everything happens for a reason and as I was on my way back to the car I walked past a bar called "The Man Cave" and I stopped dead in my tracks -- Finally, a sports bar for men. Not only that but they had this badass set of Bud Light #UpForWhatever shoulder pads hanging outside so I walked in like I owned the place, put a fistful of cash in the owners hands and walked out with these sweet bad boys:

(H/T @TelcoAG)

The next morning I went and got my credential and stocked up on all the necesary supplies for covering a Presidential debate: Fireball and a Mad Dog 20/20 Bling Bling Blue Raspberry. Red State Blue State was going to be a pretty accurate descripton of the condition of my urine in about three hours folks.

The Protestors

Anytime you attend a event the best thing to do is to get drunk talk to people who brought their own signs. There not always the most articlate or intelligent, but they are the most confidant. There were about two hundred protestors outside the library, and just like everything else it was all about Trump. His immgration policy basically boils down to the same strategy as your dad trying to keep rabbits from drowning in his koi pond. Build a fence, problem solved. We cant afford to keep giving out all this money to illegals like a bunch of communists- There is no problem in the world that cant be solved with a wall and if you dont like it, move to China.

The anti-immigrant protestors ironicaly stood on the south side of the road and they were more prepared. Many of them brought there own lawn chairs from home as a way of saying "Im passionate about this cause, but not passionate enough to stand." Meanwhile on the north side, the pro-immigration crowd was dancing nonstop for literaly 3 hours. Classic rope-a-dope by the pro-anti immigration cause to let them tire themselves out.

So I hit the pavement and went to mingle with the real poeple. It was kind of dissappointing that even though I drew a giant "T" on my chest I couldnt find anyone else to get shirtless with me and spell out R-U-M-P. I brought alot of signs this time. Basically wanted to raise awareness about a number of issues that are frankly being underdiscussed in todays lamestream media:

Cars were blasting there horns to this one folks:

And heres a cool guy I caught a roadside hang with.

I was walking back to the other side of the street to the pro-immgration crowd when the "Christian Lives Matter" said to me, "If you have a beer bottle, throw it over at all those Mexicans."

If I were to do a quick Spin Room here on what this guy said, I would just coach him to next time just say that Mexicans are "your pet peeve." You can hate anything for no reason whatsoever and people will give you a pass if you call it your pet peeve.

The Debate

After nearly two terms of the same old same old in the White House, America is getting the 7 year itch. Some would call it electile dysfunction, especially when but theres only one candidate with balls. I allways say that if you have two political parties, you dont have one, and Trump looks like he could be the one to bring us all together as Americans for a common cause like so many great leaders in our past including Ronald Reagan and Jim Jones.

I Make no secret that I am a 100% Trump supporter. He is without a doubt the most Reagan-like of all the candidates especialy if we're talking Reagan circa 2002-2004. He is a magnetic magnate whose gravity and gravitas consumes everyone around him. He is the most internet commenter Presidental Candidate since Teddy Roosevelt.

But what I hadnt realized until last night is that Donald Trump is bigger than the Republican Party.

1. Donald Trump

Trump has reached the point where the debate cycle is so far beneath him that he dosen't even need to campaign anymore. Hes such a better choice then anyone that it honestly makes him look a little bit pathetic at this point that he even bothers to show up at these things anymore. Trump could skip all the remaning debates and just have his own town halls that take place at the exact same time on his own network , get better ratings, and all of the nerd-candidates that show up to the RNC Presidental debates like a bunch of teachers pets would still be asked nothing but Trump-related questions. He is the first canidate that could do his own Tiger Tour. All the signs outside the debate had Trumps name on them, some of them even positive. Zero of anyone else. He literaly has nothing more to prove at this point.

The first debate was Trump walking into school as the new mysterous kid in town that everyone thinks is cool because hes the first person they've ever seen wearing a bigass pair of JNCOs, and then everyone else starts copying him and next thing you know you've got a stage full of hopeful nominees wearing Kangaroo pockets and chain wallets and none of them really know why. Except Ted Cruzes mom would only buy him Levis wide-legs and there just not the same thing.

Last nights debate was very different. Trumps act had worn thin with his competitors, and all the nerds were getting together and ganging up on the new popular kid they use to like because hes not so cool anymore when he's banging your girlfriend and stealing your solo in jazz band.

Not to be sexist but I think CNN did a much better job then Megyn Kelly did at the last one with her "gotcha" questions. She completely made up some malarky about Trump being disrepsectful to women so Trump gave her a harmless little jab about her being on her period which was pretty obviously taken out of context.

I mean if you look at the facts there is about a 20% she was menstruating, so compared with Rubios comments that he's not sure a women's life can ever be saved by an abortion, the fact is that Trump has the best understanding of the female reproductive system of any candidate.

As far as the debate goes- Trump, as expected was outstanding again. The only stumbling block was when he started trying to explain what he would do as President. Trump has enjoyed a tremendous amount of success by commucating binary messages that hit the lizard part of his supporters brains. Buy/sell, good/bad. Success/Lose. His policys are basically "we're going to be so good" and if you dont think that good things are good then your a idiot.

His message is literaly good= endorphins. Bad= hot anger. But when he started talking about countries that he had only heard of when asking a escort what currency she would prefer to be paid in, he made me angry because I didnt care what he was saying. He needs to stick to playing the hits I didnt go to the Trump concert to hear some deep expermental cuts of his new album.

Theres the old saying that you should always vote for the candidate youd like to have a beer with. I want to vote for the guy Id rather have 10 beers with and Im choosing Trump because hes picking up the tab.

2. Carly Fiorina

Carly Fiorina put up by far the best distant second showing. Between Secretariat and the American Pharoah Donald Trump its a two horse race. Carly comes from a background in business where she was very good at selling thing's to businesses but very bad at selling anything to regular people which actually makes her extremely qualfied to hold public office.

Not in a sexist way that dismisses her accomplishments and qualfications but Fiorinas strongest part of the night was when Donald Trump called her beautifull. Locked down the coveted "Horny Male Trump Supporter Vote" which is actualy a very large part of his base. Fiorina was very clear about her stance on that abortions should be illegal, which was echoed by everyone on the stage. She wants to immedately defund planned parenthood, so if Im a democrat strategist, I'm putting it through a quick rebrad and naming it "Reagan Parenthood" and I guarentee you it will not lose a penny.

Fiorina and Trump have some sort of chemistry going. Its almost like in a rom-com wherethe two people absoluteley hate each other so much they cant stand it, but they secretly love how much they hate. Wouldnt be suprised to see these two either start secretly dating or forming a superticket. Pailns gonna hate her.

3. Marco Rubio

Rubio was good, but hes in Americas friend-zone. He tried to talk all big and bad but it sounded like he googled "how to be assertive" 30 minutes before showtime.

He did talk tough about radical Islam though which I'm told is the right thing to do. He warned aganst trusting a leader with "an apocalyptic vision of the future" which, according to him would be a incredibly dangerous qualty to have in a leader so its a good thing he's a Christian.

Also- he is not a elite quarterback:

4. Kasich

Ok so aside from the fact that he literaly tried to get Fargo banned from Blockbuster for being too violent I think this is a guy who really understands the importance of small governement. I dont want the feds telling me who I have to get married to, I want the state government doing that.

I did get a chance to speak with John Sununu, whose working with the Kasich campaign. He actually approached me to talk some football after he saw me holding up my Alex Smith sign in the spin room. Him and I talked for a while, he really seems like a cool guy and did a great job representing the Kasich campaign, and after a minute or two about him questioning how I got in there, we strarted talking about football, and I wanted to know what Kasich thought about Johnny Football:

"Whats the offical Kasich position on the Cleveland Brown QB situation? Is Kasich a Manziel guy or a McCown guy?"

"Well Governor Kasich always says he needs a guy that he can trust to land a plane, and Johnny Manziel is not a guy who would land the plane."

There you have it. Kasich is anti-Manziel. Do with that what you will.

5. Ted Cruz

Ted Cruz stares into the camera and allways appears like hes on TV trying to convince your grandmother to buy reverse morgages or gold coins. Convincing old people to do something is actually 50% of the job when it comes to getting elected in the GOP so he does have a very particular set of skills.

Overall I thought he did a outstanding job except for that one part where he went on a 2 minute tirade against John Roberts being on the Supreme Court and then added in the fact that he vigorously supported John Roberts being on the Supreme Court but not alot of people picked up on that.

I really beleve that Ted Cruz has a crush on Trump. Cruz was basicaly a hype man for the Donald, a Flava Flav to Trumps Chuck D, even though if Cruz walked into a school in his own district theyd think he had a suicide bomb around his neck.

6. Jeb Bush

A embarassing night for Bush. First his mom caught him smoking weed and then everyone made fun of his brother. Bush went from basicaly challenging Trump to a fight on national TV to beaming like a kid who met Santa because Trump let him give him a high-five at the end.

Carly Fiorina called him out on chiefing schwag when the rest of the civilized world is blazing headies, at minimum. Very unpresidential.

7. Mike Huckabee

Hes got some nerve calling Trump out on his success in realty television considerng Huckabee has position himself as the lucky Pierre in between Duck Dynasty and the Duggar family, riding the "God is too liberal" bandwagon.

His best showing of the night was when asked about his tax plan. Hes got a pretty bold take of "lets not tax anyone who makes money." People forget that the folks who should get harder taxed are the people who arent making any money of there own since its obviously not important to them or else they would have some.

Also, Huckabee ducked the most important queston of the night:

Leading into the debate people called Huckabee insenstive and lazy for making a reference to Obama leading Israel into the ovens, like its poor form to compare someone to Hitler. Well you know who never got compared to Hitler?Hitler. If Hitler had existed before Hitler then we would've had Hitler to compare Hitler to and Hitler would've never gone into power.

8. Dr. Carson

Dr. Carson sounded like he was buttfunneling Nyquil all night. For being a alleged "doctor", he shows remarkably little understanding of autism articles written by facebook moms

9. Rand Paul

Got absoluteley destroyed in the first 2 minutes of the debate and never recovered. Trump went after him like the weak kid in dodgeball and made fun of his polling numbers. The first time Trump has ever said anything negative about the 1% folks.

Later on Paul started in with some mumbo-jumbo about ending mass incarceration, how we should treat people with compasson if there addicted to drugs, and that we shouldnt get into wars just because we feel like it, but he got made fun earlier so I dont like him anymore.

10. Chris Cristie

The only way Cristie gets back into this race is if he shores up his second amendment bonafides and develops an app thats basically "Uber, but for a good guy with a gun."

11. Scott Walker

Slandered Trump by calling him nothing but a realty TV star. They didnt really let him talk much and no one cared.


The Spin Room

After the debate was over I had a opportunty to get up close in personal with many of the candidates and their campaign managers. Now, technically any room can be a spin room depending on how drunk I was, which I was, but this was a whole different animal altogether. It was like Superbowl media day only more useless answers.

As I was walking around pretending to care that campaign managers all thought there candidates did remarkably well, I accidentaly walked through the background shots of multiple television broadcasts several times by accident.

And listen Im not cutting my hair until Donald Trump is President or Joe Flacco wins a Superbowl whichever comes first. As you can see in the above Vine, securty started to grow concerned with my presence. One guy was literally following me around the spin room and pretending to check his phone. Then I pulled out my "Skip Bayless for President" sign and that was the last straw. I was asked politeley, at first to leave, but then when I reminded them of a little thing called the first Amendment I was directed toward's the door. So in case your wondering- the notion of Skip Bayless becoming President is more offensive to CNN than Deez Nuts.

So I left but security there was pretty awful given the fact that I waltzed in with a backpack fill with Mad Dog and whiskey and posters, and a inflatable set of shoulder pads and no one said anything. So Ii stuck around and treated myself to the open bar and food spread.

As I was enjoying a free drink and free gumbo and free grilled cheese and free risotto, I realized that even though he lossed the debate, Scott Walker was right- Donald Trumps presence on the campaign trail has turned this election into realty TV. But you have to do more then just point out that its reality television to get me to stop watching. You've got to offer some quality counter-programming to make me tune into your message. Give me a better option or else this series is going to end with Trump telling a nuclear warhead "you're fired."