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MMBM: Russell Wilson doesn't love God enough to win

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Which NFL quarterbacks does God love the most? And, finally, Donald Trump would like to let you know his thoughts on Joe Flacco.

We're required to remind you that these strong takes are SATIRE. Sorry, not sorry. All spelling errors are intentional, we think. -- The editor.

Wellcome to the Monday Morning BM, just a word of warning your probably not prepared to handle the strong football takes and barrelfire NFL truths that you never knew your Mondays were missing. This column is written for and by a REAL fan of the NFL. Its designed to be read on your Monday Morning commode break after a long Sunday eating bad-for-you food and drinking beers. If you care more about SPELLING then you do about TELLING theres the door because this columns not for you.

Jesus Christ is locked in a messy custody battle between Aaron Rodgers and Russell Wilson. God has proven himself to be somewhat of a fair-weather fan over the past couple of years, flip-flopping between the Seahawks, Packers, Patriots, and Ravens. Historically Russell Wilson tends to imply after loses that God has selected him to suffer for no other reason then to just see if he has the faith to overcome it. I like to have some fun with it and say thats the difference between Wilson and Tom Brady- one says "Do Your Job" and the other says "I am Job." Alls it takes is one look at the Lesion of Boom and its no wonder Wilson thinks Gods testing him by getting under his skin.

but you have to imagine the good lords got his finger on the scale for the Redksins now that Kirk Cousins is spreading the good word around under center. RG3s career got turned on its head, and you know how God feels about upside down stars. DCs a Pentagon town not a Pentagram town, and Kirk Cousins is the only NFL QB who is pious enough to of appeared on the 700 club multiple times. Dan Snyder is finally showing accountabilty and dropping the hammer, and God tends to smile on folks whose boss is a Jewish Carpenter.

However, the only quarterback who can claim to be a true Christian is Tim Tebow, who takes the "keep the sabbath holy" commandment so seriously that he refuses to play well enough to make a football team, which you have to repsect.

So without further ado here is the definitive ranking of currrent NFL Quarterbacks that God loves the most:

1. Matt Flynn, apparently

2. Tim Tebow

3. Ben Roethlisberger

4. Russell Wilson after a win

5. Kirk Cousins

6. Alex Smith

7. Phillip Rivers

8. Aaron Rodgers

9. Russell Wilson after a loss

Last place: Colin Kepernick. Sure hes got scripture painted all over his forearms but its my understanding that your body is suppose to be a temple- not a bible.

Road Grader of the Week: Julian Edelman

edelman

There called the Bills because the Patriots made them pay. Edelman scored two touchdowns against Rex Ryans vaunted Tampa-Toe defense, and after each one he got to celebrate by packing in a nice lip of tobacco, reclaming the nickname of Skoal Beasley.

I just dont know how its possible to play a non-baseball sport while sucking on dip. Whenever I eat skoal I just get a bad stomach ache and my head feels like I've been huffing airplane glue. To go out there and score another touchdown using fine cut copenhagen as a mouthpiece just proves that Julian Edelman is on another level entireley.

Fans of the Week: Former Kam Chancellor fans

And

Gotta love the dedcation and courage shown by these fans. If only there were more people around in the late 30s willing to stand their ground when another Chancellor started making outrageous demands, this world would of been a better place.

(Pics via @AndrewDarkow and @MundtyPoo2)

Joe Flacco Elite-O-Meter: The leading candidate for the President of the United States would like to add his thoughts on the matter

It has been my contenton that Joe Flacco is whats known as Baldingers Cat- both Elite and Not Elite at the same time. Each week MMBM will track Joe Flaccos performence in order to determine once and for all the answer to the unanserable NFL debate: Is Joe Flacco a Elite NFL quarterback?

(NOTE: I WILL BE RETIRING THE FLACCOMETER AS OF TODAY IT JUST DOSEN'T SEEM LIKE THERES ANYTHING ELSE I CAN DO FOR THE NATION BY CONTINUING TO KEEP IT IN SERICE. ITS BEEN A GREAT RUN FOLKS BUT ALL GOOD THINGS MUST COME TO A END)

Mike Huckabee coudnt pull his tongue out of Kim Davis throat long enough to answer the Joe Flacco question. But who needs Huckabee when you've got Donald Trump absoluteley nailing the response.

Although "very Elite" seems like a bit of a overstatement, would you expect anything less then a man whose tombstone will read "I was very successful and everybody loved me." Also it worries me that Trump dosen't have a NFL sunday ticket subscription because Flacco literally just lost to the Raiders yesterday, but then on the other hand its those types of godawful early season losses that keep this debate going full steam ahead.

Massive shout out to MMBM subscriber High Sock Sunday for keeping his head on a swivle and making our politicians answer the tough questons.

This week's rating is: Very Elite

10 Things I Know I Know

1. Check out the hyporcrisy:

Theres only one option- Dan Snyder needs to develop a nuclear warhead if he wants to negotaite with this administration.

(h/t @BobSaietta)

Well well well what do we have here? Looks like Washington stumbled its way into the catbirds seat in the division thanks to the rest of the NFC East basically using a stick of dynamite as a butt-plug in week two.

To celebrate the drastic turnaround of this franchise Ive printed up a bunch of new shirts which are avalable for a limited time here.

2. Ironic that his name is Gym Tomsula because hes not working out.

3. Its amazing what we can do as a society when we put or heads together.

4. Little nugget from the Panthers/Texans game from Sunday- Cam Newton is apparentley a pescatarian. I've been saying for years that theres just something a little fishy about his devious smile but I couldnt put my finger on it til now. Kind of ironic for a guy that had such a hard time keeping himself in school.

5. Tony Romos too busy popping his collar like a preppy to be the blue-collar leader that the Cowboys need.

6. In off-the-field news, the British Prime Minister got caught having sex with a pig or something I dunno. Im too lazy to read the whole story but that's is what I've pieced together from reading jokes on twitter. Crazy how in todays PC world people are more concern with a politician getting some swine on their hog than they are with the fact that leaders of ISIS are literally penetrating Turkey. Plus,the fact that Obama hasnt been linked to sexually assaulting a pig makes me even more supsicious that he may be Muslim.

7. Hard to not blame Kam Chancellor for everything that went wrong with the Seahawks offense last night. If Kams out there practicing, maybe Jimmy Graham would be a bigger part of that offense.

Lets break down the current situation real quick. Its basicaly the cold war all over again. Both sides have dug themselves in to a mutually assured destruction. Kams losing millions of dollars and the Seahawks are losing millions of fans they gained over the last year and a half once they drop back to being a perpetual 5-11 team without there defensive leader. Dion Baileys tackling style is pretty much duck and cover, also just like the Russians, the Seahawks dont really trust the SS.

8. Streaking is a lost art: 

First of all, if your gong to run onto the field during a game how do you not make sure that both your shoes are tied?Thats like the only thing you need to worry about besides maybe making sure your friend at home is DVRing the game so you can all-22 break down your escapability and pad-level after he bails you out of jail.

Im just gonna say it: Americans are bad streakers. Sorry if that makes me a trader or whatever, but in other countries you see guys and girls going full-nude onto the field. I cant remember the last time that happen in a NFL game. Its actually a safety percaution if your a guy because its less likely that a player or securty guard will want to tackle you because then they might get made fun of later for touching your balls. If your a girl whose butt-naked, its a preemptive defense because no one wants to injure a naked woman because when your naked it reminds guys of sex and no one wants to hurt something they can have sex with- its basic darwinism.

9. Sick of everyone second-guessing Chip Kelly. Theres just no way to possibly know if there offense would be better if they still had literally Desean Jackson, Lesean McCoy, Jeremy Maclin, Evan Mathis, Nick Foles and Todd Herremans. Alls I know is that Sam Bradford needs to get a new football jersey, one without his sleeves hanging down to his elbows. At any rate, Chip Kellys high octane offensive woes can probably be traced to Kam Chancellors holdout.

10. Check out this Eagles fans spot on impresson of DeMarco Murray. Uncanny.

11. Everyones acting like Johnny Deepballs the savior of the Browns organizaton after one good game but lets pump the brakes , he beat the Titans. Thats like saying Donald Trump is going to be the future President just because he outdebated Ted Cruz.

12. I appeared on the Lana Berry Show and rambelled on about getting Mike Florio drunk and how I almost got stabbed by a roadie from Molly Hatchet.

13. Texas Governor Greg Abbott gets it

Kind of ironic that he would advocate for a QB whose overly reliant on his legs to get the job done but Abbot is just proving that he's more tolerant and open minded of all walks of life then his liberal counterparts. Just goes to show you these days what's hypocrisy.

How much money should Cam Newton have made this week?

Nice to see Cam Newton flipping over on the field instead of the interstate but really folks, its not super hard to elevate anything over Kareem Moores head.

This weeks rating is: not as much as Tom Brady

Reader MailPail- Help save Patches the Dog from the oppressive Romanian government

Hey, man, gotta favor to ask. I don't know if you'll do this, if not it's cool, but out here in Romania there's a bunch of stray dogs on base. The Romanian military comes in and snatches em up every week or 2 and kills them. However, this one dog named Patches has a bunch of grit and crazy pad level that they can't snatch him up. He's made it through for like 6 months, most dogs last 2 weeks. Goes to show his character. My buddy is trying to adopt him and send him home, but needs to raise $4000 to do it.

-Dan

So heres the deal- loyal MMBM subscriber and current United States Marine Dan passed this GoFundMe along and I think its worthwhile if we can get this dog even a few extra dollars and maybe help get him srescued. They've allready raised about a quarer of the money necessary to get him medical costs, quarenteen fees, and travel back to the troops' fiancee, and Ill be donating some money as well. Cant imagine what its like being a dog in a country where the public animal controll policy is basically the contents Mike Vicks group text messages circa 2005.

PS If your going to complain about soliciting money to help a cute damn dog not get shot up by the Romanian military well then theres the door, you can go comment on Salon dot com.