We're required to remind you that these strong takes are SATIRE. Sorry, not sorry. All spelling errors are intentional, we think. -- The editor.
Wellcome to the Monday Morning BM, just a word of warning your probably not prepared to handle the strong football takes and barrelfire NFL truths that you never knew your Mondays were missing. This column is written for and by a REAL fan of the NFL. Its designed to be read on your Monday Morning commode break after a long Sunday eating bad-for-you food and drinking beers. If you care more about SPELLING then you do about TELLING theres the door because this columns not for you.
The Carolina Panthers are toff to a hotshot 3-0 start, but they are led by a young man who needs to learn some manners. Listen I dont want to take anything away from what the Panthers have accomplished but the fact is that there the worst 3-0 team in the history of the league. They've beaten the Jaguars, Texans, and the Saints- teams that are a combined 0-3 against the Carolina Panthers. Cam Newton might think he's slick when hes tumbling over Texans, but in a couple weeks he's going to realize that its not so easy to flip the bird to your opponents when your facing the Seahawks.
I'm as big of a Cam Newton fan as you'll ever meet but even his most ardent supporters had to cringe yetserday when he threw Ed Hoculi under the bus with his postgame comments:
I was rolling out trying to string out the play and create some type of opportunity to get a completion and the defensive lineman, you know, kind of hit me. It was close. It was right on the cusp. Was it a late hit? I don't know. But the response that I got was, ‘Cam you're not old enough to get that call.'
First of all its one thing to make a comment like this if your dressed like a normal human being but its another entirely to say things when you look like this:
The big blue camoflauge blazer telegraphs Newtons nefarious intentons- possibly planning on assaulting one or more officials after the game and wanted to blend in in order to get the drop on them- talk about a QB sneak. I guess Im just more use to Cam disappearing when the lights come on in January than late September, but hey thats just my take.
You know who never complained about officating? Tom Brady and Michael Jordan. The fact that Newton complained about this tells me that Ed Hochuli was right to not give him the call to begin with. If he was truly mature enough to have earned that penalty he would of kept his mouth shut about not getting the call instead of running his mouth like a guy whose still not used to dealing with intentonally poor officiating.
Seniority matters in life. Theres a reason why a baby has never been President and hell, even Jesus Christ had to wait until he was 33 to start getting calls. The only thing Cam and Jesus have in common is that both their Dads think their God.
Basicaly Cam-pain Newton is the Hillary Clinton of the NFL. Deleting her own private servers is the Wellesley College equivlant of throwing a laptop out of a dorm window. Likewise, going 3-0 against Bortles, Mallet, and Luke McCown is just as brag-worthy of a accomplishment as winning a primary against Bernie Sanders, Martin O Malley, and Jim Webb. Also interesting to note that Clinton/Newton have both given the exact same number of plausible excuses about Benghazi. Only difference is Newton gets pressured into turning over footballs every week instead of emails.
Maybe Cam should of paid more attention in physics class and he would know that a object set in motion will stay in motion unless acted upon by a object that has earned the right through longevity to get the benfit of the doubt. Just because you smile and act like your happy doesnt mean you can take a short-cut to success- there called the laws of motion- not E-motion and until you learn that young man, you might as well call yourself ISuck Newton.
Road Grader of the Week: Jason Witten
Theres a old saying that if you have two sprained ankles you dont have one, and Witten certaintly proved that on Sunday. Its actually beneficial to have two identical symmetrical injuries because you cant get any more hurt then you already are, and defenders dont know which foot to target. That moment of indecisiveness can be all you need to stilt-walk your way inside the red zone.
He finished the day with a workman-like 6 catches for 65 yards and zero complaints. Funny how Peyton Manning has big flashy artcles written about just how tough he is in ESPN magazine but the only column Witten cares about is the win column.
Fans of the Week: This Cleveland Browns fan opening beers by smashing them on his head
I'll just leave this here. pic.twitter.com/KKJM6YNm6y— Blake Badenhop (@badenhop91) September 27, 2015
Ok this is the most Cleveland video of all time let me count the ways:
1. There literally drinking beers under a bridge
2. The cutoff t-shirt with a longsleeve shirt underneath, shorts, and two pairs of socks tells me this guy is truly Up For What-weather. This guy is simply demonstrating Bear Grylls levels of preperation here. You know the old Cleveland saying "If you dont like the weather here, just wait 15 minutes or move out of Cleveland seriously why are you still living here."
3. Busch Heavy beer, which says Im not willing to comprimise on the full-bodied flavor of my preferred choice in $14 dollar 30-packs.
4. The Zubaz and the fanny pack in the background is just a outstanding combination
5. Smashing a beer against your forehead 4 times without any success until it bursts and everyones momentarly impressed until you get another beer tossed your way and just end up giving yourself a concussion with it is pretty much the career arc of every Browns quarterback since Bernie Kosar.
(H/T Mike Fulton)
Joe Flacco Elite-O-Meter: It has been my contenton that Joe Flacco is whats known as Baldingers Cat- both Elite and Not Elite at the same time. Each week MMBM will track Joe Flaccos performence in order to determine once and for all the answer to the unanserable NFL debate: Is Joe Flacco a Elite NFL quarterback?
How are the New England Patriots cheating now?
If theres one thing we all know for sure, its that the New England Patriots are dirty cheaters who have broken and will continue to have broken every unwritten and written rule in the NFL rulebook. Even though Brady is essentially playing this season out on bond until the NFL can find a judge willing to take a stand, that hasnt stoped them from cheating. What have they done this week to disgrace themselves and there fanbase?
They hung a 50-burger on the Jaguars but at what cost? LeGarrette Blount led the stat sheet by rushing for three touchdowns, I guess its easy to win games when your running back is too busy deflating a gravity bong to ever get called for a false start.
But the most devious play of the game came when Tom Brady threw for his 400th career Touchdown and Danny Amendola cleverly gave the ball away to a fan before the game officials had time to inspect it for signs of alteration. So while there were no "headset malfunctions" or "surreptitous video surveillence" people forget that the cover0up is worse than the crime, and Amendola should be charged by NFL security with destruction of evidence and obstruction of justice for giving away a ball that should of been properly marked "Exhibit A."
10 Things I Know I Know
1. I called it "Miracle on the Hudson part two" because the Eagles took down the Jets.
2. Things dont look promising, but you can bet your bottom dollar that Jason Pierre Paul is keeping his fingers crossed that he'll get back on the field this year.
3. A big tip of the curve-brimmed hat to one of the all-time great closers Jonathan Papelbon whose last name literally translates to "clean sheet." Now Normally Im not a big baseball type guy, but I do love the fact that someone is still willing to stick up for unwritten rules against the young hot shots like Bryce Harper. In case you missed it, the Nats legend Papelbon decided that he'd had just about enough of Harpers Mickey Mouse haircut, or atitude or something and grabbed him by the throat in the clubhouse. Just goes to show what a outstanding culture-fit Papelbon has become for the Nationals storied history of choking in September.
I dont trust a guy who puts up MVP numbers on a bad team almost like he's doing it to make everyone else look bad and throwing off the grade curve, and Papelbon shouldnt either. If I'm Nats manager Matt William I would tell Bryce that if your going to break down then I'm gonna call triple-A and ship your ass down to the minors to teach you a lesson.
A unwritten rule is just a law tahts so intuitive that no one should ever even have to write it down. Thats why there's no law against your basic things like putting kethcup on a hot dog, or selling trash bundled mortgages with a AAA prime rating on them and imploding the entire global economy. If you go back far enough, every rule was at one point a unwritten rule so Papelbon is really just ahead of his time.
4. The Jacksonville Jaguars are in first place in the AFC south.
4a. The Jacksonville Jaguars are in last place in the AFC south. They are literally Shroedingers Cats.
5. I call him Hilal Powell because he acts like hes the GOAT.
6. Mike Rosenberg of the San Jose Mercury News has assembled a collage of every NFL team thats used the hashtag #BusinessTrip for there teams going to play road games. After three NFL weeks into the League year, there have been 29 teams that have used the hashtag. The only three teams tthat havent are the Bears, Giants, and Saints- a combined 1-8.
If your a NFL social media manager and you havent tweeted about going on a business trip yet what are you even donig with your job? Thats the reason the Bears and the Saints are un-undefeated, and the Giants only win came against the Redskins whose businesstrip sendoff had roughly the same number of attendees as Eva Brauns funeral.
But when you think about it, isnt life just one big business trip? We all come out of the wound toting a placenta lunchpail and a hard hat. We're all just here trying to make a good presentation and close the deal with God before the hostile takeover with Lucifer goes through. Ive even got the ultmate 401k folks- Jesus Christ.
7. Jameis Winston got smashed by Ryan Mallet- whose last name ironically means "Crab Cracker."
8. One thing thats allmost as good as strong NFL takes is strong outerspace takes. Heres a letter that was sent to the Washington University in St. Lous about how meteroites are one big liberal PC Police concoction:
You know how I know meteors dont exist? Because DraftKings hasnt put up a billboard on one yet.
9. Power rankings of time zones to wath football in:
1. Eastern. Im honestly shocked anyone west of the cuyahoga river ever wakes up in time for a 1 oclock kick off. If I called in sick with a hangover after watching a football game in the western time zone I would feel like I was stealing.
2. Mountain. I dont know it seems ok I guess.
3. Central except when your in Texas. In Texas your not aloud to buy beer before noon on Sundays which is when the games kick off so you either have to have enough discipline to not drink all your beer on Saturday night, or miss kickoff waiting in line at the store.
4. Pacific. Until someone figures out a way to make buffalo wing cereal I will never enjoy watching football in this time zone.
10. After the Infinity to zero beatdown the Cardinals put on the 49ers its a good thing there arent any bridges in San Francisco for people to throw themselves off.
11. Utterly stunned by the lack of class from Marcel Dareus wearing this shirt in the locker room
You kiss your mother with that shirt young man? SMH. Remember back in the day when NFL players cared more about commanding double teams then double entendres? Just absolutley disgusting. Sex talk has no place in the media coverage of football whatsoever.
69 of the Week:
How much money should Cam Newton have made this week?
Beating Luke McCown and the Saints is like beating up a kitten hoe he feels like a Big Man. People are making a big deal about the fact that the Panthers have basically 5 bags of wet sand at Wide Recever this year but maybe big name WRs dont want to play with Cam because hes too good. Plus the fact that he only beat him by 5 points tells me he therefore is in titled to make only 20% more money then him.
This weeks rating is: Vet Minimum plus incentives
Reader MailPail- Banning Tag
Reader Dick Sherman sends along this artcle from Mercer Island, Washington, where the school board has band the game of "tag" from being played at recess. If we outlaw tag, then only outlaws will play tag.
Big Fan. The wussification of america continues:
The Mercer Island School District and school teams have recently revisited expectations for student behavior to address student safety. This means while at play, especially during recess and unstructured time, students are expected to keep their hands to themselves. The rationale behind this is to ensure the physical and emotional safety of all students.
Maybe Im just old fashioned but I think tag is a garbage trash game to begin with. Any sport where you can have 9 people all winning at the same time while only 1 person loses just stinks to high heaven of entitlement. Thats why STQ/MaulBall/Kill the Guy With The Ball was such a better game because there was only one winner at any given time until they were beaten up to bad to keep playing.
So while I'm all in favor of kids not playing tag, I think they should replace it with a more violent game to take its place. We played violent sports all the time as kids and if they dont reverse this trend I say we riot.