We're required to remind you that these strong takes are SATIRE. Sorry, not sorry. All spelling errors are intentional, we think. -- The editor.
Wellcome to the Monday Morning BM, just a word of warning your probably not prepared to handle the strong football takes and barrelfire NFL truths that you never knew your Mondays were missing. This column is written for and by a REAL fan of the NFL. Its designed to be read on your Monday Morning commode break after a long Sunday eating bad-for-you food and drinking beers. If you care more about SPELLING then you do about TELLING theres the door because this columns not for you.
In a league where the only constant is change, its nice to be able to rely on familar things like the mailman, the paperboy, and Elite QBs winning in the playoffs. This wild-card weekend went to all the familar names, as Aaron Rogers, Russell Wilson, Ben Rothlisberger, and the guy who wasnt Brian Hoyer all outlasted their inferior counterparts.
Another constant is that Robert Griffin III can not win when it counts. Griffin has two division titles, and zero playoff wins just like Andy Dalton, but for some reason we dont talk about him the same way because of PC. But in realty (where I live), its a safe space free from excuses. Theres such a thing as "intangibles", and they have very real implicatons on the outcomes of games. Whether its Griffins will to win, or his abilty to detect a pass rush- RG3 has allways struggled when it comes to things he can neither see nor feel.
Some of you will think your being cute, and point to the fact that Jay Gruden benched him, and that its unfair to blame him for Washingtons second half collapse in a game that he didnt even play in. Well I would ask you to show me the part of the Neuremberg trials where they let every war criminal off because he was just following orders. And Frankly, Griffins terrible record in big games as a backup has him looking alot more like the second coming of Reich then the third.
By remaning on the bench quietly he is endorsing Jay Grudens decision-making. A real leader would be standing on the table screaming to get in the game, not hobknobbing with his teammates on the sideslines wearing street clothes. If he were innocent of being bad wouldnt he want the opportunty to testify instead of hiding in silence? What would he have to hide?
If your as big a competitor as Griffin claims to be, you find a way to get your ass on that field. Whether its using your vast knowlege of the mechanisms behind knee injurys to pull a Nancy Kerrigan on Kirk Cousins, or simply reminding your coach that Mack Brown recruted you as a safety and that you can help the defense, there's only one person to blame for not playing- thats yourself.
I'll acknowlege the fact that maybe even if Griffin had done all the above, he still wouldnt of gotten into any games due to his huge injury liabilty in his contract. Even in that case his mere presence around the facilty is enough to instill a jinx on a franchise that has recently performed like they play on some sort of cursed burial ground. Griffin now has the dubious distincton of having the worst playoff winning percentage of any backup QB with a minimum of 2 non-starts.
And like any good jilted ex-lover, Griffin couldnt quietly make his way out the door without getting in one last dig. Now we can all agree that RG3 should of been a more agressive passer, but no one will ever acuse him of not being passive agressive enough. He cleaned out his locker at the team facilty but left this note behind:
Folks even Hitler didnt leave a note. What is RG3 your roomate who washed your dinner dishes from last night before you even had a chance to wake up in the morning? You know who else use to leave cryptic messages? The Zodiac killer. As reader Matt points out, Griffins letter actually comes across reading more like this:
The irony of Griffin quitely leaving a franchise in shambles using the same method that folks use to apologize for destroying a parked car is not lost, even though Washingtons season is.
Road Grader of the Week: God
Its our first ever three way tie for RGOTW here with the Father Son and Holy Ghost bringing home the hardwear. God certanly packed his lunchpail this week folks and you can see His fingerprints in the outcome of every single game:
Chiefs 30, Texans, 0: Funny how the team who elected atheist- Arian Foster as there captain, lost in a biblical blowout at the tiny hands of Alex Smith. Smiths Mormonism was a weakness as Smith used to had to follow the rules of the church- meaning no drinking, caffeine, or completing TD passes to wide recevers on Sundays. But ironically as the Latter Day Saints have opened up the playbook, Smith has been looking more and more like yetseryear's Drew Brees.
Steelers 18, Bengals 16: The Steelers play in a Stadium where three rivers meet- just like the Garden of Eden. Cincinatti plays on the border of Ohio and Kentucky where the population changes which educatonal institutions hat they wear based on if its football or basketball season. In Roman times they use to feed Christians to Tigers, well Big Ben turned the tables on the Bengals and God rewarded them by nearly causing a flood every time Cincinatti had the ball.
Bengals QB AJ McCarron after loss to Steelers: "It seems every time we got the ball it was pouring rain and it wasn’t when they had it."— Aditi Kinkhabwala (@AKinkhabwala) January 10, 2016
Hmm someone named "Benjamin" vs someone named "AJ," the creator of the entire tribe of Israel vs. someone whose so lazy he thought that "Andy" wasnt enough of a abbreviation. Anytime you have a matchup with a biblical name verse a heathen name you have to throw all your weight behind scripture, and I seemed to of forgotten the chapter of the Bible where AJ rode his Huffy to the mall and let Jesus ride on the pegs so he could get his ear pierced. The only AJ I worship on Sundays is Awsome Jehovah.
Seahawks 10, Vikings 9: Then there was Russel Wilson. I wish I loved anything as much as he loves not having sex. Wilson and actual Vikings have alot in comon as a matter of fact. Wilson keeps finding himselfs in situations where the suns shining on him 24/7 out of dumb luck, which is basicaly the equivilant of being born in Norway. People were making alot of jokes at his expense about the whole Recovery Water turning to ice in the cold stuff. But people forget that the most important nano bubble of them all is faith,and its effervesence will allways cause you to rise to the top. Dont beleve me? Just ask Richard Sherman:
Richard Sherman on why Jesus Christ was a Seahawks fan today: " I think he appreciated how hard we fought."— Bart Hubbuch (@BartHubbuch) January 10, 2016
By the way if your going to sit here and tell me that God didnt push that Vikings field goal to the left then I think you need to re-read your Bible. Blair Walsh signed a massive extenson this offseason that puts his salary at about 3.25 Million dollars per year making him one of the top5 highest paid kickers of all time. With a price tag like that he might as well of been trying to kick a camel through the eye of a needle. He misses that 100 times out of 100.
Green Bay 35, Washington 18: And of course we had God striking down Washington, a town that He has obvously forsaken for the past 7 years. A team led by a alleged dog-murderer at QB, and a coach whose parents are so dumb they chose to spell out the letter of a abbreviation of a full name as his actual first name. Thats like going to the post office to buy stamps so you can take a picture of them to attach to every text message you send.
Then on the other hand you had Jars of Clay Matthews and Eddie Lacy who looks like hes been going back for seconds and thirds in the communion line. If there was a golden corral that only served the blood and body of Christ, Eddie would never leave.
Fan of the Week: Ragnar
Forget about the powerball, Viking Superfan Ragnar was the real lottery winner on Sunday as Minesota suffered a sphincter-collapsing 1 point loss due in large part to the absence of there emotional leader and team mascot, who has been embroiled in a nasty contract holdout dating back to September. Vikings managements short-sighted deicison to not pay Ragnar fair market value looks like the blockheaded decison of the NFL season besides Peyton Manning temporarly quitting taking HGH.
Ragnars 10 year, $1.3 million dollar salary demand in his holdout must seem like a bargain now to the Vikes who chose to squabble with there most important supporter instead of locking him up long-term. If Im Ragnar Im walking up to Ziggy Wilf this morning and saying "guess what, now its 3 million a year and I want it all upfront." And Wilf will have no choice but to pay him with that kind of leverage. If you look at Ragnars WARF(win above replacement fan) can you honestly say that he is not worth .0625 points over the course of a full season? Because that is the diffrence between winning & losing in the playoffs when fan involvment becomes so much more important.
How are the Patriots Cheating Now?
The Patriots are gearing up for a divisonal round matchup against Kansas City. Just so happens the Chiefs just got done abusing the Texans who are lead on offense by head coach Bill O'Brien and on defense by Romeo Crennell- both former Patiorts coordinators.
Its widely known in league circles that New England has set up sattelite teams and false flag franchises all across the league in order to maximize there own chances of winning, and the Texans Banana republic of a leadership structre are a prime example. The Pats attempt to do this in Kansas City under the reign of Scott Pioli was cut short a couple years ago, but Pioli famously bugged the entire Chiefs front office. But if Pioli got caught wiretapping his own employees it was only because he wanted to get caught so he could throw them of the scent of his really damaging actions.
Its like a duck, 90% of the activty is happening beneath the water. Pioli knew that all he had to do was make a couple of really obvously bad decisons like hiring Todd Haley and starting Matt Cassel for 4 seasons, and he could get away with much more suddle actions like loosening Jamaal Charleses knee screw in the middle of the night and planting microphones inside of helmets, desks, and the team chocalate fountan where Andy Reid conducts his gameplan meetings. So you can bet the Patriots have had Charle Weiss conducting survellence from a windowless van parked outside Arrowhead stadium for the past week with a bottle of adderall, a wood-burning pizza oven, headphones,and a notepad. Patriots are going to know the Cheifs first 30 plays and win by at least 40 thats a stone cold lock.
10 Things I Know I Know
1. Anyone catch Andy Dalton on the sideslines Saturday looking like a cross between skeletor &a star wars villain?
Your suppose to be the leader of this football team and you show up looking like a thug who thinks a franchise tag is the graffitti you put on the side of the 7-11. I dont care if I have two torn ACLs and a hernia, if I'm the QB Im telling the equipment managers to strap me up like the guy from Mad Max hanging off the back of the truck with a guitar so I can keep my team motivated instead of looking like a gang-leader. Probly why Munchack had to stand his ground on Reggie Nelsons hair, he didnt know if he was coaching aganst the cryps or the cryptkeepers.
2. Lost in the shuffle of wild card weekend was the fact that Rob Ryan is joining his twin Rex on the Bufalo Bills. Big and Rich, as I call them, are like the Tiki and Ronde of coaching except only one of them looks like hes ever met a barber.
3. This is just a all time great shirt here:
4. Speaking of screwing someone whose only got a 2nd degree seperation how about Big Bens shoulder? Rothlisbergers injury may of actually been a blessing in disguise. A seperated shoulder drastically limits your range of motion, making your throwing motion way more compact and translating in to a quicker release. If Ben had a healthey shoulder, he would of completed that pass to Antonio Brown, who would of fumbled after getting hit. Plus it was great to see Ben finally have a Willis Reed moment that didnt involve him sprinting from a courthouse directley onto the field.
5. Bud Grants name literaly translates to Free Beer.
6. It was so cold in Minnesota that there Gjallarhorn snapped into pieces from the frigid conditons. Thankfuly the Vikings had a backup, but you know the old saying if you have two Gjallarhorns, you dont have one. If thats what happened to somthing as small and frail as that, can you even imagine the havoc the weather must of reaked on Teddy Bridgewaters dong? On one particularly violent collison you could see his frenulum fall out of his pants and shatter after landing on Bruce Irvins foot, breaking several metatarsals.
7. Outsports demonstrated some selective outrage this weeekend when they jumped all over Steve Smith for claming that Steve Smith was being anti-gay when he used the word "str8" in a tweet. Yet they remained silent when Mike Wallaces ran extremeley homophobic routes for the past 6 seasons. Consistancy matters.
8. I think Marshawn Lynch sat out at the last minute because he was to chickenshit to deal with hardnosed NFL reporters in the playoffs. Some of these guys have had abdomnal surgerys and come back later that week to hit the cold cuts in the press box before there stomach staples had even fully healed. Lynch is postponing the inevtable by sitting out with a tummyache, and if I get my paws on him Im gonna make him squeal.
9. Since watching the Victora's Secret fashion show, JJ Watt has mysterously broken his wrist and strained his groin to the point of needing surgery. I think its pretty obvous that the Texas medical staff needs to fit Watt with a anti-mastubatory cone to wear throughout football season to keep him more focused on his sack technique then his shaft technique. Tough to execute a slap &swim if you have no get-off explosiveness left.
10. Im slated to appear on the sport's illustrated podcast w/ Richard Dietsch at some point today. We taped it last week and I was honestley drunk off a Mickeys and a Olde English 40, so I guess we'll both find out what I said together.
11. Great job on the Rams part keeping Jeff Fisher around through there upcoming move to LA. You dont break up with someone before you move you wait untill you get to the new town and see how attractive everyone is. Nothing worse then being new in town and single. Plus theyre going to want his hollywood heartthrob persona on the sidelines when they move to LA. You dont fire Ryan Gossling before you start filming the notebook 2.
How much should Cam Newton be paid this week?
Cam Newton has some serious explaning to do folks.
The Carolina Pathners QB has found himself in hot water over his upcoming Nickelodeon TV show, called "I Wanna Be", scheduled to air later this year. The show features Newton meeting kids who have big dreams and then making there dreams come true. It sounds like a great idea until you realize the first episode is Cam advising a little girl that if she want's go to space camp, NASA better pay him $150,000 to send her there.
But it seems the idea for the show may of been stolen from a man named Nick Kastoris, who pitched and produced a exactly similar show to Nickolodeon two years ago. Only diffrence is, Nicks much better idea was that instead of a superstar NFL MVP interacting with the children, a puppet named "Loukoumi the Lamb" would be the star. Just another example of Cam stepping in to take undeserved accolades from a more deserving individual, only this time its from Loukoumi, not Loukeuchly.
This really gets my goat. Gives new meaning to a dyed-in-the-wool scoundrel folks. On the other hand its refreshnig to see Cam involved with a suit that actualy fits him, so I guess its not all bad news.
This weeks rating is :Not as much as Tom Brady
69 of the week: David Bowie
RIP- A innovator until the very end, he somehow managed to go out on top and on bottom.
Reader Mailpail: The very sad Vikings fan
This is Daryl. Daryl is a avid MMBM reader and has been enjoying his first taste of the inter net celebrity whirlwind as this clip of him not watching Blair Walsh make the game winning kick has gone viral:
I sat down with Daryl to dicsuss the events surrounding him videotaping himself in a bar and all the trappings of being famous now:
What bar were you in at the time? Why did you decide to video your'eself?
I was at Redmond's Ale House in Chicago (Viking's bar). I taped myself because I planned on sending of everyone celebrating to all my Packers friends. I hate them, so I wanted to really annoy them. I believe they call that karma?
What was your aproximate BAC?
I'm not sure of my exact BAC, but I was out all night the night before. And when the waitress brought me my bill had 10 Miller Lights and 5 shots of Fireball. So, probably as close to dead as humanly possible without being dead.
You kindve expected him to miss, right?
As a Vikings fan, I always expect the dumbest thing humanly possible to happen. So, in the back of my mind I knew damn well he was going to miss that. Also, I think the Vikings organization getting rid of Ragnar really hurt......Ragnar did this to us.
Where does this misery rank amongst your alltime worst defeats compared to like that time Joe Webb started a playoff game at QB which was basicaly 4 hours of what you felt in those 2 seconds?
This is #2 on the all-time list. The 2009 NFC Championship game with Brett Favre throwing that pick still haunts my dreams. I wake up most nights screaming "DON'T THROW IT BRETT!"
Why does god hate the Vikings?
I feel God has himself or herself (I'm not sexist) a good laugh every time the Vikings make the playoffs. The amount of crazy endings that has happened to the Vikings in their history is hard to top. However, I wonder if God is punishing the Vikings fans for cheering on AP....he's pretty much a terrible person and no Vikings fan cares....including me.
Since this thing has gone viral, I've had myself a pretty good laugh at all the comments. A lot of hair jokes and people calling me a b****. I think I look pretty good for not showering, had 20 beers, and I just had my life sucked out of my body by Blair Walsh.