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MMBM: How to hire the right NFL coach

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The coaching carousel is back folks

Brad Penner-USA TODAY Sports

We're required to remind you that these strong takes are SATIRE. Sorry, not sorry. All spelling errors are intentional, we think. -- The editor.

Wellcome to the Monday Morning BM, just a word of warning your probably not prepared to handle the strong football takes and barrelfire NFL truths that you never knew your Mondays were missing. This column is written for and by a REAL fan of the NFL. Its designed to be read on your Monday Morning commode break after a long Sunday eating bad-for-you food and drinking beers. If you care more about SPELLING then you do about TELLING theres the door because this columns not for you.

Coaching search season is here or as the Browns fans call it, their periodic reminder to change the batterys in the smoke detectors. Despite many big names like Chan Gaily, maybe Romeo Crennel, and a guy that met Joe Philbin one time, being linked to Clevelands vacancy, reader Mike points out that they need to just turn into the skid and bring in Steve Sarkisian. You cant spell "coaching carousel" without "carouse." The Browns just hired a coaching search firm and are paying them huge amounts of money to basicaly track down Doug Marrone and Pat Shurmurs cell phone numbers when they could just call Johnny Manzell and ask him to pass the phone to Steve if he's awake. Sarkisian and Manzell would have great chemistry and mutual repsect and a unspoken connecton that they wrap walk-though the hell up early on Friday so they can make it down to the horseshoe, but not only that but they would also combine for some explosive onfield results.

Have you ever been in a relatonship that you know isnt going anywhere but you two just connect in this weird physical way that you end up doing stuff that atheletically and ergonomicaly, you never even thought was possible? Thats what the Browns could be looking at here. Sark would be a disaster for any other team but with the Browns and specificaly Manziel, he'll let his freak flag fly and convince Johnny to try all sorts of under handed back door stuff he never thought he'd ever be into. Johnny, on the other hand will finaly have a coach that forces him to look in the mirror long and hard, even if its through a rolled up 20.

Elsewhere, it looks like Irsay will be cleaning house in Indianapolos, the 49ers fired there second Jim in as many years, Mike Mularkey will probly get the axe too and the Lions should fire Caldwell. Now I'm not racist- I think Halley Berry is extremeley attractive. But in this day in age, do we really need the Rooney Rule anymore? The opportunty should go to the most qualfied person who was fired by the Titans, Jets, Browns, Bills, Raiders, Chargers, Vikings, Texans, or Dolphins within the past 8 years. It just pains me to see all these time and resources wasted when we could just implement a soluton that has the bottom halves of the AFC North, East, South, West, and the Lions just rotate there coaches every two years like they do with the British open.

If your not into the whole rotation business you've always got Mike Shanahan. This is a man who managed to stay sunburned in Oakland, Denver, and Washington, whose now begging for the job in Miami which is like relocating the leaning tower of pizza to fukushima. Allthough what I would really like is for Shanahan to go to Cleveland, trade for Cutler, and watch Kristin Cavalerri think twice about vacinations once she gets a look at that lockeroom.

Even the only guy I thought was immune to getting fired just got the ax in New York, but something tells me we'll see Coughlin again on the sidelines, hopefully paired up with Andrew Luck in a constent competition to see who knows less about cellphones. Woudnt be the least bit suprised if he coaches so long that he dies on the sidelines during a game and no one notices until its time for him to run out for the post game handshake because hes just got that bewildered look permanently glued like were all use to. Heck, he might of been dead for years already, but like one of those bugs that continues to have sex after its head is cut off his body has been  instinctualy injuring running backs and saving 2 timeouts for overtime for the past 3 seasons. I mean this in the nicest possble way but he is the cockroach of coaches and he will be here longer then anyone else. Cornering Coughlin and forcing him to confront the possiblility of not being a head NFL coach triggers the most powerful survival mechanism known to man. Vladamir Putin could  launch his entire arsenal of ICBMs into the earth's core, the moon could fall into the North Atlantic, and Tom Coughlin would be silently standing on the sidelines with severe windburn by himself staring in disbelief at a imaginary Eli Manning interception.

The only other way to never get fired is to stockpile medocore QBs, build a good defense that you dont coach, finish just ouside of the playoffs, and then always be telling your owner that its the QBs fault. Give a man a Fish, and he'll eat for a day, teach a man to Fish, and he'll go 7-9 for 10 years and get transfered to Los Angeles.

On to the awards:

Road Grader of the Week: Sean Lee

(via USA Today)

By all accounts the Cowboys season was a dissappointment as they slumped to a 4-12 record but at least they've still got there morals. Defensive cpatain Sean Lee was set to hit a contract incentive for playing time that would of given him a $2,000,000 million dollar bonus for playing more then 80% of the teams defensive snaps. He went into yetserdays game against Washington having played 83%, but his hamstring wasnt 100%, so he pulled himself from the starting lineup and that total percentage fell to 77%.

On one hand no offense to JPP, I love the precedent this sets. If your team is having a bad season and you dont want to take any more of Mr. Joneses hard-spent money, you should do the right thing and pull yourself from the game. It would of haunted Lee if he had taken that bonus for the rest of his life, its like at the end of Schindlers list when hes looking back with regret over what else he could of done and all the lives he could of saved, Lee would be inconsolble thinking of all the new crimnal free agents, blow, and facelifts Jerry could of bought with that kind of money.

On the other hand sitting out a game because your hamstring is a little tight makes me think you've been hanging out to much with Darren McFadden. In a perfect world, Sean would of offered to play that game for free instead of milking a injury but I guess given Lee's track record, missing time for a injury and not getting paid for it is as good as you can hope for.

Fan of the Week: The entire Bills fanbase

I have to imagine ether 2/3rds of the city of Buffalos populaton calls in sick every Monday during football season, or the town operates under a mutual understanding that everyone is hungover untill Tuesday. Keeping your sunglasses on all day in the office is the upstate New York equivlant of the jeep wave for workers who came within a metric mile of any tailgate or sports bar on a NFL sunday.

Theres a old saying when life hands you lemons, make kamikazes and no one in the world embodys this spirit more then this Bills fan:

How are the Patriots Cheating Now?

How come nobodys talking about how nobodys talking about the Peyton Manning allegations?

Seems the world totaly forgot about PEDton Mannings steroid use and you have to wonder if this isnt Belichick up to his old tricks again. Jim Nantz admitted that him and Phil Simms actively decided to not talk about the Manning accusations during there broadcast of the Broncos win over the Chargers. This is a clearly designed scheme to make the public so angry at Simms and Nantz that they would have no choice but to realize the inconsistency with the manner the Patriots& Tom Brady were treated for deflating footballs, and it would wing a cascade of public sympathy to the Patriots side. Nice try Bill.

10 Things I Know I Know

1. You do NOT want to play the Bengals in the playoffs. Cincy is getting hot again with Andy Daltons wrist on the mend. If I'm the Bengals traner by the way Im installing parental control on Andys TV and netnany on his laptop just to make sure that thing heals fully for the second round. In the mean time there new leader under center AJ McCarron has been playing decentley enough. McCarrons the winningest QB of all time at Alabama depsite the fact that he's not very good, so you know his intangbles are off the charts.

2. You do NOT want to play the Steelers in the playoffs. The Steelers are one of the NFLs hottest team down the stretch and now that Todd Haley and Big Ben are back on grunting terms, that offense can do some real damage. Plus Antonio Browns 2015 haristyle is making the Steelers great again:

3, You do NOT want to play the Patriots in the playoffs. Julian Edelman, Rob Gronkowski, and Danny Amendola are all getting healthy at exactley the right time for the Pats to make another postseason run. Plus if you give Belichick a bye week to prepare for a playoff gam at Foxboro hes going to basically spend it like Kevin McAllister during Home Alone wiring up the sideline's with IEDs and having a gentlemens agreement with Aaron Hernandez to be at his window with a sniper rifle in case Marcus Wheaton gets behind the safety.

4. You do NOT want to play Peyton Manning and the Broncos in the pl lol ok sure whatever.

5. You do NOT want to play the Chiefs in the playoffs. Andy Reid has been more like Andy Right folks, Alex Smith has tunred from a boy into a game MANager before our very eyes, and Eric Berry just finished out a inspiring season that has him firmly pegged in a distant second behind Danny Woodhead for comeback player of the year. Kansas City literaly translates to Boobs & Butt Town, and theyve certainly been showing off the goods- but can they show off the greats? I guess we'll see, folks.

6. You do NOT want to play the Houston Texans. JJ Watt just got his megaman brace taken off which means he's now able to shake troops hands in front of cameras twice as effecently. Even more amazing is the fact that they have two former Browns QBs on there roster. Figure's to be a huge advantage coming from a franchise with a proud traditon of postseason exellence having only lost 2 playoff games in the last 26 years.

7. You do NOT want to play Washington in the playoffs folks. Jay Gruden cloned Andy Dalton with a italian rennasance painting of Jesus Christ and the net result has been nothing short of elite. Desean Jaccson is licking his lips at the propsect of running in a directly straight line past that awful Packers secondary featuring a guy they call Chris Banjo because he plays like a 5th stringer. Speaking of instrument's a major injury concern at the TE position still lingers for the Redskins: they call him Jordan Reed because he blows and a powerful gust of wind could break him.

8. You do NOT want to play the Vikings in the playoffs folks. Adrian peterson led the league in rushing once again which make's me think you might see some of these contract-backs think about abusing children jsut to get a year of and come back stronger its a copycat league. Cordarelle Patterson is not worthy of trust. And just look at there QB:

Teddy Bridgewater has battled through the adversty of having skinny knees and a giant weiner which is just a classic recipe for disaster. Its like trying to tow a nucular warhead with a go-ped, and if he makes it to the offseason without crushing his legs under the weight of his own dick Id bring in the army corps of engineers to bolster up his MCLs or something.

9. You do NOT want to play the Cardnals in the playoffs folks. That defense can stop anyone, and Carson Palmer is playing at such a high level that if Im the Panthers, I strongly consider bringing in Kimo Van Olhoffen for a workout. Arians is blitzing his SS at levels unseen since the early forties, but the Cardnals biggest enemies have historically been January and Febuary, especally when they have to travel east.

10. You do NOT want to play the Panthers in the playoffs folks. Kind of backwards to think of it this way but Newton has realy lucked out by having such bad WRs. You've got Ted Gin and Jericho Cotchery running the wrong routes but winding up in the exact right positon to catch all of Cams inaccurate passes, and making him look good by happenstance. Graham Gano- whose name quite racistly translates to "I win, cracker" has proven that he can make up for Newtons inabilty to blow teams out by making clutch kicks,. There Offensive Coordinator Mike Shula should technicaly count as a Rooney Rule interview for any interested teams since he's a minority as the son of a coach, and the NFL dosent have any nepotism.

11. You do NOT want to play the Seahawks in the playoffs folks. Russell Wilson is obvously having sex, or somthing close to it, and the weathers finally cold enough to freeze the recovery water so lil' Russ Jesus can walk on it again. There getting Marshawn Lynch back from a injury that was so obvously fake that Pete Carroll had Lynchs belt tested for thermite, and that Seahawjks defense is playing at a Elite level once again with there revolutionary "Steel Beams" package which emphasises the bend but dont break mentalty.

12. You do NOT want to play the Packers in the playoffs folks. John Kuhns dad was a polar bear and his mom was the corpse of a dead seal which makes sense because when it get's cold out side he likes to show off his bear arms. No ones talking abut the fact that Clay Matthews name was in the Al Jazeera investgation because all it takes is one look at the guy to realize that he either takes no steroids whatsoever and is extremly clean-cut, or he takes all the steroids in te world and would punch you in the face and kill you in a washing machine in you mentoned his name in the same sentence as "Torodal". Not worth the risk.


13. Power couple right here:

I gotta say the Eagles coaching staff did one hell of job yetserday. Becoming interim head coach for the eagles must be like walking in to substitute teach for Ted Kazynskis class, you walk into Chips office and he's got posterboard with pictures of dead celebrities he wants to use for playcalls and a phone with Colt Lyerla's number thats 9/10ths of the way dialed and your expected to win? Just a unbelevable job.

Then yetserday a report came out that the nail in Kellys coffin was when he ruined the Eagles Holiday party by moving it from Monday to Friday at the last minute probably to give him enough time to incorporate his White Christmas theme.

15. "Perrish Cox" literaly translates to "feminist", the NFLs is a man game son gotta do something about that name.

How much money should Cam Newton have made this week?

Cam Newton stuck around in garbage time of the Panthers 38-10 to pad his stats and cement his case for league MVP (a individual award traditonally given to the QB who wont win the superbowl). Throwing TDs in the second half of a week 17 blowout is the equivlant of signing up to bring napkins and paper towels to your company office party, but Newton should of stepped aside and let Derek Anderson handle mop up duty. Id like to of seen a bit more leadership out of Newton and set a good example for fellow QB/former theif James Winston by showing him that sometimes the best way to lead is to let someone else have a turn.

Other thing about Newton is he dosen't take numbing shots or opiates, yet his teammates are paying for a insurance policy for him that covers pain medicaton and just literaly throwing there money down the toilet. He also just welcomed the birth of his first child named Chosen, so he obvously hasnt been using his Health Savings Account for condoms either folks because with a name like that, youd think the kid would of ended up in a Resevoir tip. So he's wasting his teamates time ,money, and healthcare, and smiling all the way to the bank.

This week's pay is: He should refund the fans


69 of the week: More Bills fans!

Internet Comment of the Week: Cleveland Conspiracy

(H/T Zach Persky)

Reader Mailpail: Eagles EDM

This guy is 100% correct, just try it. And sticking with the Eagles theme, if you say "Shurmur" repeatedley it sounds like a helicopter taking of, and if you say "Hicks" over and over it sounds like your summoning Riley Cooper.