clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:

The NFL doesn't want you to see this evidence the Raiders' bad defense is controlled by the Illuminati

Either the Oakland Raiders were very bad on this play, or they're pawns of the Illuminati. The truth is here -- if you're willing to open your eyes.

On Jan. 3, Chiefs RB Spencer Ware ran for an easy touchdown against the Raiders on a neat play design.

The Chiefs had run a jet sweep to wide receiver Albert Wilson several times during the season, including once against the Raiders. So, in their Week 17 matchup -- a game the Chiefs wanted to win to seal the AFC West -- Kansas City faked a handoff on the jet sweep and gave Ware the ball on a counter to the left. He strolled untouched into the end zone.

The play was executed really well -- the Chiefs' skill players all flowed to the right as if the play was a jet sweep. The offensive line blocked for Ware's run while holding positions that prevented the Raiders' defense from seeing the actual handoff. Alex Smith did a good job of faking the handoff to Wilson and then, at the last second, contorting his body to give Ware the ball by surprise. The Raiders completely bought it.

On the surface, it was a well-executed play by one team and a very poorly executed play by the other team. But is that really all? Did the Chiefs score here because of Xs and Os, or because of something more sinister?

YouTube conspiracy theorist Joey Averidge explains what happened on this play in an 8-minute video entitled "NFL CONNECTED TO ILLUMINATI." Want to watch the video? You'll have to go to YouTube, because when we embedded it, we got THIS MESSAGE:

THE NFL IS TRYING TO HIDE SOMETHING.

But what?

Let's listen to Averidge. He makes a lot of videos explaining why seemingly regular things are explained by conspiracy theories, so he knows what he's talking about. Plus, he seems to know a thing or two about the NFL, like what is zone defense and who Charles Woodson is.

To be honest, his argument makes sense. We see players wearing number 11 -- which, as he explains, are the pillars! Another wears 32 -- which, as he explains, stands for backwards 23, which of course stands for 33. And the score is 7-0 with 59 seconds left, and 7+5+9 = 21, plus the 10 seconds on the play clock (five seconds before the ball is snapped) adds 10 which is 31 and everyone knows that is backwards 13. With all of those numbers, it's hard not to be convinced.

But, most importantly, the Raiders' defense is very bad. As transcribed lovingly by our resident Chiefs blog Arrowhead Pride:

"He'll go ahead and attempt the tackle here ... just to make it look good. So let's do that. Here's an attempt at a tackle by a lineman in the NFL. Yeah, that's not normal. He probably could've grabbed his jersey and just pulled him down. Everything is sealed. Why? Because everyone was in on it."

Sometimes, NFL players tackle each other. The Raiders often do this! In fact, they were No. 11 in the NFL in total defense this year. (No. 11 -- the pillars?)

However, on this play, the Raiders defense is so bad, there are only two possible explanations: Either the football explanation from the top of the post, OR, the Raiders are using poor defensive football as an expression of their complete obedience to the shadowy cabal known as the Illuminati, which controls each and every aspect of our lives.

We looked at other defensive breakdowns the Raiders committed this season, and we think Averidge is on to something. Look at this Adrian Peterson 80-yard touchdown run, and tell me an actual NFL defense would've let Peterson get to the end zone so easily. Notice how the Raiders line up in an Illuminati triangle formation with the referee instead of attempting to tackle Peterson.

I think everything here explains itself. And at the end of the TD run, Peterson gets on the ground to praise Baphomet, whose visage appears in the top left of the screen.

Don't believe me? Well, look at this;

The horns are obvious Illuminati signifiers -- the cool facial hair just seals it.

Look at this 30-yard touchdown catch by James Jones against the Raiders -- again, there's no way an NFL defense would let a player get this wide open. Again, the Raiders have chosen to form an Illuminati triangle instead of guarding their opponent.

Jones acknowledges the Illuminati formation by forming his elbow into a second Illuminati triangle:

Furthermore, Jones is wearing a hood:

Jones is clearly wearing his priestly Illuminati robes under his football garments. Most NFL players will try to hide this, Jones isn't even trying. The fans celebrate the touchdown with their Illuminati cheese triangle hats.

And guess who kicked the extra point here?

MASON Crosby.

Don't believe me yet? Let's take a look at the Oakland Raiders' fans:

Photo credit: Orlando Ramirez, USA Today Sports

Photo credit: Kyle Terada, USA Today Sports

Photo credit: Jake Roth, USA Today Sports

The Raiders have struggled often in recent years and yet the fans keep showing up in their demonic outfits. Are they there for football? Or because the Oakland Raiders are on-field agents of a Satanist cult?

The evidence is clear. Sometimes the Raiders are good at tackling, and on these occasions, they are merely playing football. At other times, they're just so bad at defense that it's clearly a thinly veiled participation in the greatest worldwide conspiracy the world has ever known. There's simply no other explanation. Open your eyes.