We're required to remind you that these strong takes are SATIRE. Sorry, not sorry. All spelling errors are intentional, we think. -- The editor.
Wellcome to the Monday Morning BM, just a word of warning your probably not prepared to handle the strong football takes and barrelfire NFL truths that you never knew your Mondays were missing. This column is written for and by a REAL fan of the NFL. Its designed to be read on your Monday Morning commode break after a long Sunday eating bad-for-you food and drinking beers. If you care more about SPELLING then you do about TELLING theres the door because this columns not for you.
Whats the Greyhound bus equivilant of the mile-high club? Road rash? Whatever it is, I went to Houston last week on a bus for the Presdential debate and there were absolutely no other passengers on that bus that were physicaly capable of having sex. There was one guy who was spitting on the floor the whole time,, and a woman who pretty much lived inside the toilet for the entire trip. The box stores & fast food places start about a hour before you get into the city so your pretty much desinsitized to it by the time you actually arrive there. Houston is a city thats just basicaly filled with nothing but strip malls, concrete, and below-average quarterback play as far as the eye can see, but at least its consitstent.
The debate was the last one before "Super Tuesday" when citizens of all the dumbest states refuse to use a sick day to skip work to vote for the guy thats going to win thre parties nomnation anyway. The presumptive winner this cycle is Donald Trump, and he acquitted himself execptonally well in the Houston debate by pretending he didnt lose, and then making fun of Marco Rubio the day after for drinking water.
We've reached the point in the election cycle where even the haters and the loosers are starting to realize that its a Trump world, and they're all just living in it. They are trying to figure out how to defeat Trump, but in order to defeat him we must first udnerstand where he is coming from.
Going into these primaries, the GOP basicaly needed some help moving and Donald Trump was a friend with a truck who had 40 million strange freinds who could tag along to help. But now that the jobs done and theyve eaten all the thank-you pizza, the homeowners have tried all the suddle ways of asking them to leave, it turns out they filed squatting paperwork with the town clerk and pretty much legally run the party now. He spoke for the internet commenter's and in doing so, Trump moved us from the bottom of the page into the headlines and it turns out we write much better clickbait then the establishment media.
Trumps supporter's are way more comitted then anyone else's. There like Raiders fans who dont care how ugly it gets, there just gonna dress up in weirder costumes and cheer even harder, especially when the media is constantly slamming them. Like when the New York Times reports that 20% of Trump supporters disagree with freeing of slaves post civil war and everyone else report's it and fails to admit that it was a rigged queston. It was a major "have you told your parents that your gay yet" question where no matter which way you answer it your tacitly implying that you supported slavery before the civil war.
Ted Cruz dropped the ball
Cruzs brand took a major hit do to the fact that he has been too polite to defend himself adequately, lending credence to the suggeston that he's a secret Canadian. Cruz could of put a end to them immedately and shored up his literalist bonafides by releasing medical documents specifying that he was born vaginally since the Constution clearly states only a "natural born citizen" can be Presdent. So if he can be as anti C-section as he is anti section-8, that would go along way towards solving the eligibilty issue. Reframe it as a anatomical debate instead of a georgraphical one. Could also force Trump to release his own birth records, because if a scalpel was used you might as well of been born inside King Georges codpiece according to the United States Constution.
Cruz has been the strongest opponet of gun control by astutley noting that a great many gun violence incidents occur at the hands of people who are on medicines for mental illness, so maybe its the medicines for mental illness that are making people mentally ill to begin with. Could use this type of forward thinking in department of transportaton as well so we can examine the fact that 99% of car crash fatalties occur in vehicles that are equipped with safety belts, which is why I never wear them.
But Cruz hit a homerun by hiring Ken Cuccenelli to be a spokesman for his campaign. Ken comes from a long background of unconventonal campaign strategys like when he ran for Attorney General of Virginia on a "make blowjobs illegal" platform. Could be a game-changer if Cruz adopts the "no oral sex" stance into his agenda , which would undoubtedly score him large amounts of passionate supporters in the coveted "my ex wife" demographic.
But its also left the GOP in a condrum. They want to get rid of Trump. And even though I'm a supporter of his, Im also one of the sharpest political minds in the world, so I'll throw you a bone and teach you.
How to get rid of Trump
-Write some more articles about how to beat him.
The perfect article will surely work. If a Trump supporter says "were gona send a million armed federal agents into the homes of 10 million supsected Mexicans and arrest them" you can respond with, "Well have you seen this article?"
-Jeb Bush needs to loudly and vehemently endorse him and give a series of speeches.
Jebs got probly like 60 million dollars left from his campaign, so he should just use that to go out there and go on the saddest endorsement tour of all time. I do feel sorry for poor little Jeb. But its also litereally crazy that it took someone whose widely regarded as the biggest brashest most outrageous asshole in the history of United States politics to be the first republican to suggest to Jeb Bushes face that the Iraq war was a unmitigated disaster, and the best revenge would be to use his withered status as a big lump of sad porridge against Trump- he very person who turned him in to a quivering spineless peace of spaghetti. He should bring Barbara, his brother, and his grandfather's old nazi statonary out on the trail with him. Have some fun with it and go full Jeb.
- Build a worse online Universty than he did.
Trump famously exclamed his love for the poorly educated and his actions back it up given his longstanding practice of created a college that dosen't teach anything. Instead of appealing to the intelligencia elite in your party, show how much you love its least educated by keeping them that way.
On to the awards:
Road Grader of the Week: Chris Jones
The Defense of Lineman obviously read last weeks MMBM about how the combine drills should be performed naked. And what better way to demonstrate your abilty to create explosive sacks then to have your entire crotch rip your shorts open during the 40 yd dash?
How are the Patriots cheating this week:
Tom Brady just agreed to another contract extention with the Patriots, which will save them cap space but also guarentee him alot of money up front, and it just kind of feels like this is a form of cheating at this point since there the only team that regularly does this. There must be a reason why other teams and QBs dont do this too right? Kind of a "where theres smoke there's fire" type deal.
So Bradys committed to being a Patriot but heres the thing- a QB whose in their 40s is allways going to be washed up so why are you paying the guy like a superstar even though he's going to be to old to be effective? The best way I can describe this is by using two TV shows that dont get discussed enough online: Breaking Bad and The Wire.
Its like in Breaking Bad when all of Mike Armentrouts guys went to jail and they woudnt flip on the Pollos Hermanos operation as long as their families were still getting paid. Or like in the Wire when Weebay confesses to like 8 murders and numerous zoning violatons by turning townhouses into a cementary in exchange for basically a Roy Rogers combo meal, knowing his drug buddys are going to take care of his family.
Brady knows enough secrets about Belichick, Ernie, and Robert Kraft that he's going to be on the Patriots payroll for as long as he wants to be.
10 Things I Know I Know
1. I'm not a big "public" radio type guy. I dont trust anything thats funded by the taxpayers which is why I steer clear of college football and bridges. But this epsode on NPR caught my attention since it could be a game changer in terms of the science of whether or not concussons are bad for you.
Its a interview with a guy who dove head first into a kiddie pool or somthing and gave himself a severe concusson. And when he woke up in the hospital he was all of a sudden really good at playing piano.
This points to the bias we see in the news when we only hear about people dying, developing long-term brain damage, and all those negative apsects to concussions. But we need to start hearing both sides more often. Some people get smarter & better at there jobs after sustaning brain trauma. Like for example, it was only after a concusson that Colt McCoy finally decided to move out of Cleveland, and JFKs civil rights agenda wasnt able to get fully implmented until after he sustaned a head injury.
Just gotta here both sides is all.
2. One of the tougest questions to answer when evaluating a potential draft pick is whether or not there going to be injury prone, and how they would be able to perform if hurt. Football has what I like to call a 100% injury rate, meaning that you need to be 100% debilitated before you should even consider missing a practice. Your going to have nicks, sprains, mild compound fractures, and rhobdomyolisys, but so will everyone else. The difference is- who can play through it.
Thats why the NFL should add a new drill at the start of the combine where each player is given a medicaly supervised injury to one of there extremeties, and then scouts can evaluate how there able to overcome adversity. If you've already got a legitimate injury like a torn hamstring or AC seperation, you can get a doctors waiver to forgo the synthetic injury station of the combine, and just proceed with the drills. It would give GMs a much better piece of mind to know who can handle pain and who cant. If a scout in a labcoat had backed up a sterilized golf cart over Jadeveon Clowneys knee back in 2013, the Texans would of seen his numbers drop significantly in the workouts and probably would have dropped him off there big board.
3. Universty of Texas head coach Charlie Strong found himself named in a divorce document last week, alleging perhap's Strong was laying down more roots in Louisville than we had prevously thought. His name literally translates to "Viet Cong is good" so its no suprise that he might of been sleeping with the enemy.
4. I have no idea whats going on here but I plan to find out
@RapSheet keep my name off your lips. Always. Remember this. I know you will— Jason La Canfora (@JasonLaCanfora) February 27, 2016
5. Its leap day today, which is basiaclly amateur hour for people who dont work hard enough for the other 365 days a year. If I'm a NFL scout I love leap years because it gives some of these players a extra day to screw up, show there true colors, and get arrested before the draft.
I for one think that leap day should be scheduled at the start of the month and call it Febuary 0, to give NFL teams a extra day of preperation for the Superbowl, or on Febuary 13.5 every year so us procrastnating guys get a extra day to remember to do the bare minimum for Valentines Day.
6. Chris Rock was the worse Oscars host since Chris Rock. There was way to much racism humor, Chris.
7. Govenor Kasich needs to stick to politics
Govenor Kasich on record about Jonny Manzell pic.twitter.com/Z7h8fJeYsL— PFTCommenter (@PFTCommenter) February 26, 2016
8, Michael Bays Benghazi movie was snubbed at the Academy Awards by the Hillary liberals. Maybe if instead of being a nationwide block buster it had been a Youtube video, democrats would of actually pretended like it deserved some credit for somthing.
9. Kirk Cousins is getting some sort of tag placed on him in order to keep him in Washington. But just because your tagged dosen't mean you cant be dragged out of your home city and poached, just ask Cecil the Lion. In fact, if Cousins has the transiton tag placed on him, you might see the Bengals make a play for the only QB who Marvin Lewis recognizes as a Dalton-in-the-making. Plus if Jerry Lee taught us anything its that Lewises cant resist their not-yet-fully-developed Cousins.
10. NFL teams were caught definitley not embezzling 144 million dollars in ticket sales and have generously agreed to stop doing it until they get caught again. It seems like a honest mistake and since there agreeing to share that revenue with the players now its basically just like the owners were giving the players a interest free reverse mortgage on there own bodies for the last couple of years, but there are a bunch of Sanders voters who are always going to assume that the Billionares are the bad guys. Maybe if the players wanted to earn more money they should stop requesting tickets for there families so that their own teams could sell more tickets and the owners wouldn't have to try to illegally withold money from them just to turn a bigger proffit. Financal security starts at home, guys.
How much money should Cam Newton have made this week?
Cam laid low this week, and we can now set the "days since TMZ showed a video of a man who look's like Newton smoking a drug inside a bar" counter to 7. Either because Cam has been dealing with a weed hangover or maybe just because he smoked all of his stash. Cam loves leap year because it gives him another day to loaf during the offseason. You can bet a guy like JJ Watt is starting that change dot org petiton right now to have a extra Monday added into October so he can get a extra day of squats into his regimen.
This weeks amount is: Wage Garnishment
69 of the week: Subliminal Advertising hits the air
Airlines have been offering some extremeley nice rates recently, and folks when airlines are positioning themselves in a give& take price war, the real winner is the consumer.
Southwest started the party to remind folks that no matter where your coming, $69 will get you there:
Then Spirit got in the mix and dropped the mic by letting folks know that the true Spirit of $69 would be going both ways
Reader Mailpail: Trump is now apparently a cuss word
Last week, a letter to the editor in the Perry Cheif Newspaper in Iowa complained that the word "Trump" is being used as a racial slur aganst Hispanic players during basketball games.
We at Perry High School acknowledge and are aware of the fact that people are entitled to their own political views and that they are to be respected, but when a name is chanted in a racial manner and used to intimidate us is when the line is drawn. Perry has been a racial target for many towns for a long time now, and now I am tackling this problem. I urge that you stay alert to chants like "Trump" or "Mini-Mexico" and that you please take action.
So we can all see were this is going. Obamas FCC is going to make the word "Trump" a banned word on the airwaves and the media will have to bleep it out every time. Trump cant control the fact that racists are using his name and his name only in threatening ways in allusions to his literal policies. We dont blame Bill Watterson everytime I see a decal of Calvin peeing on my favorite teams logo , so why should our PC society blame Trump for people who agree with him? Just someting to think about.