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The NFL Draft trade value chart explained by a real insider

How much is a trade really worth? Let Uncle Chaps break it down for you.

Every year during Draft Season (trademark emoji), I am asked about the Trade Value Chart. Trade Value shifts more than an infield facing a size 9 ½ fitted Barry Bonds. The value is never the same as it was before and sometimes it’s actually less than the year before. For instance, some drafts just flat out suck.

In 2013, nobody wanted to trade up with the Chiefs or Jaguars. Eric Fisher and Luke Joeckel were actually the first and second overall picks in an NFL draft. Eric Fisher played at Central Michigan crying emoji and Luke Joeckel was drafted before he had a beard, which is the cardinal sin of offensive lineman drafting. The moment that Dave Caldwell selected a baby-faced lineman with the No. 2 pick, he should have been on the hot seat.

You say, "Okay, Chaps, are you just going to use this as a forum to publicly shame Luke Joeckel because you’re a Jaguars fan?" No, but it is a good side benefit.

Anyway, nobody was trading up in that draft, so the Trade Value Chart meant nothing.

Fast forward to this year, we’ve already seen a blockbuster trade by the Los Angeles Rams. Now, while I am on the record as saying this is the worst trade in human history, no disrespect to Bowe Bergdahl, the Rams did what they absolutely had to do (in their eyes). People, even people as stupid as those who run the Tennessee Titans, are going to make you pay a Boaty McBoatFace Load when they know that you are moving up to select a quarterback, regardless of how terrible that quarterback may be.

Now I will take some of your questions because a "Chart" doesn't actually exist, y'all.

Great question. Pete is a longtime friend of mine, who has had me blocked on Twitter for about three years. It's all in good fun. Pete uses phrase like "Ham sandwich" when he doesn't know how to actually describe what the game film is telling him. Pete relies on cliches and an adorable smile. I don't knock the hustle, though. Not everyone can be great at breaking down film like me. Sunglasses emoji.

Another fantastic question. I don't agree with it either. Look, sometimes you just gotta feel your way through these things. You say, "Is Jalen Ramsey worth my job, my wife, my kids' college fund if I trade multiple draft picks for him and he's actually bad?" If you think even for a second that you don't want to lose your wife and kids' future, you don't trade up for Jalen Ramsey. Pretty simple.

Now, I would advise you to give up your wife and kids' future if there is somebody like Von Miller out there. That's not the case this year. Keep your wife and your original pick and then go on Groupon and select a nice little gift with the discount code CHAPS for a special little something for your significant other.

No. Good god no.

Much like the census, immediate information is not available. But, I can tell you that in 2012, the fifth pick in the draft was worth exactly 420 points. The Jaguars used that pick to select Justin Blackmon.

And in 2011, the 11th pick in the first round was worth 911 points. That selection went to the Texans when they took J.J. Watt.

In short, much like George W. Bush decided to wage war on two fronts using primarily his gut as the decision maker, you must use your gut when deciding what to offer in a trade during the NFL draft. Don't rely on intelligence. Just go with how you feel. Worst case scenario is that you're out of job, wifeless/husbandless, your children's future is in jeopardy and somebody else has to clean up the messes you caused.

Often times these deals are done much like when you go to the car dealership. You have some dude who looks like he is an overgrown peewee football linebacker telling you about how this Scion is a steal at this price with a little warranty left. You know that you are trading in your baby, in this case a top-five pick that you've worked really hard to pay off. It took you 13 weeks of getting your ass kicked to pay this car off so you aren't exactly gonna just give away this ole girl for free.

No, sir. If you wanna make this trade work, you better be offering more than just some busted up Scion. You want to see what kind of tires and rims they have in the back. You want to see that new GPS system with Apple Air Play trademark emoji. You want to see a card that gives you a year of free car washes, breakfast tacos, and a membership to Massage Envy.

So, most likely, you are walking your ass out of every single dealership in New England and driving your ass down highway 95 to Washington, and while passing through Philly you might make a stop, and if that doesn't work, you make a cross country trip to Los Angeles and fleece somebody out there.

Football is not a game. We take it as seriously as possible. That's why we do the research that we do. That's why we watch literally hours and hours of YouTube highlights.

For those few of you who are still reading, I'm going to give you a little sneak preview. The Rams are going to select a quarterback with their first pick and I'm told that they are no longer accepting calls about the pick. Although Jeff Fisher looks more like a Tuesday night regular at a bowling alley that has a sign in the front that says "Smoking Encouraged," Coach Fisher is going Goffing. Mark it down.