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Let’s close out 2019 with the worst sports tattoo of the year

Who thought this was a good idea?

Normally I’m a firm proponent of the core concept of “do whatever you want, so long as it doesn’t hurt anyone else,” which will make the following statement sound hypocritical: There are some innate rules to sporting tattoos that should be followed for the good of humanity.

This tattoo breaks all these rules.

The innate rules of a sports tattoo:

  1. Never get a tattoo that celebrates early.
  2. Never link it to a specific year, unless that season will be iconic 20 years from today.
  3. If you’re highlighting a moment, make sure it’s one you’ll want to celebrate.
  4. Don’t get tattoos of players, unless they’re locks to make the Hall of Fame.

When we look at this tat through the lens of these basic rules we see the gaping problems with celebrating a moment like this. Firstly, it celebrates early — while also celebrating late. I mean, it’s not like the Browns had a good year or anything. As I’m writing this, only one team out of the Steelers and Browns fired their coach, right? Rule No. 1 failed.

This was a huge letdown of a season for Cleveland. Remember that a significant number of people thought they’d make the playoffs, potentially even challenge for the AFC North title. Look how that turned out. Rule No. 2 failed.

Nobody wants to remember this moment. Especially Myles Garrett and Mason Rudolph. Best to just let this fade from memory if you’re a Browns fan. You don’t see Pacers and Pistons fans walking around with tattoos of “The Malice at the Palace”, right? Rule No. 3 failed.

Now look, it’s early in both careers — but I think it’s safe to say Rudolph won’t make Canton. Garrett has a chance, sure. He’s phenomenal, but it’s still very, very early. Why remember a player like this at his worst? Wouldn’t it be better to wait for an iconic sack and celebrate him actually playing football, not swinging his helmet into an opponent? Rule No. 4 failed.

I’ve always been taught not to criticize unless you offer an alternative, so ...

Browns tattoos which fans should get.

  • The dog mascot alone, because it’s cool.
  • A bleary-eyed turtle, surfing a dope wave, wearing a Browns hat and smoking a joint with a speech bubble that says “Surf’s Up!”

That’s it. That’s the list.