At 6:30 p.m. EST, televisions across the world will be tuned in to Super Bowl 53. While a matchup between the Patriots and Rams might not be the highest-rated game in NFL history, it’s a safe bet to be the highest-rated program on television throughout 2019.
That doesn’t mean the NFL is the only game in town, however. Networks across your channel lineup will still be competing for your consolation viewing. Maybe you’re so burned out on Tom Brady you’ve decided to sit this one out. Maybe you realize just how awful a Maroon 5 halftime show is going to be, regardless of special guests. Or maybe you’re just not that into football (and if so, congratulations on using your Sundays constructively).
No matter what your reason for flipping away from the Super Bowl, here’s what you’ll find across the broadcast spectrum Sunday. All times are Eastern.
America’s Funniest Home Videos (ABC, 7 p.m.)
It’s not old reruns hosted by Bob Saget, man of approximately three voices. I checked.
Masterpiece Theater (PBS, 6:30 p.m.)
PBS comes out swinging with 90 minutes of Downton Abbey and two hours of Victoria, in case you were looking to trade in the brutality of American football for the brutality of subtle class warfare in the British Isles.
Puppy Bowl (Animal Planet 6:03 p.m.)
Animal Planet isn’t stupid. It knows to run its most popular program for roughly 16 hours on game day. And I will watch every single free minute of it, because oh my god look at all these adorable stupid faces oh my god.
The Mummy (A&E, 5 p.m.)
This is the original Brendan Fraser version, without a single Dwayne “the Rock” Johnson or Tom Cruise to be seen. It boasts the best special effects 1999 had to offer, which means Fraser is basically fighting a spooky screen saver for three hours.
The Karate Kid, Part II (AMC, 5:30 p.m.), Jurassic Park III (AMC, 8 p.m.)
AMC has been stretching the definition of “movie classic” for quite some time now.
The Bobby Brown Story (BET, 6:20 p.m.)
It’s the first half of the BET limited series, so you get all the good New Edition stuff and Whitney Houston and all of Bobby’s young love drama. I can’t imagine the second half is as optimistic.
The Office (Comedy Central, 8 a.m.-10 p.m.)
Comedy Central will run you through the tail end of season three and through the entirety of season four over the course of a full-day marathon. That misses the bulk of the series’ best episodes, but it still tapers off long before Michael Scott leaves, Kevin Malone becomes a giant toddler, and Catherine Tate shows up and ruins everything.
Botched (E Network, 4 a.m.-noon Monday)
Imagine what kind of person you’d have to be to watch 32 hours of people’s terrible plastic surgery stories. This is television only suitable for lichen.
Wake Forest at Clemson (ESPNU, 6 p.m.)
An 8-12 college basketball team vs. a 12-8 one. They’re polar opposites! Can they coexist?
The PBA Lubbock Bowling (Fox Sports 1, 6 p.m.)
This seems like as good a time as any to drop in the greatest sports advertisement ever made.
Kitten Bowl/One Winter Proposal (Hallmark Channel, 5 p.m.-9 p.m.)
Hallmark’s Kitten Bowl hardly overlaps with the game itself, instead leaving the channel’s heavy listing to a house-made movie described thusly in the official listings:
“Jack, Taylor, Rukiya, and Deshawne return to the ski resort where it all began.”
Hmmmmm. Go on.
Revenge of the Nerds, Fast Times at Ridgemont High, and Crocodile Dundee (IFC, 5 p.m.-11:15 p.m.)
A tremendous lineup for people who still own a fresh pair of Z. Cavariccis.
The Perfect Girlfriend (Lifetime Movie Network, 6 p.m.)
This one’s got a little bit of everything. A job relocation. A strained long distance relationship. A spurned new lover. A Seattle backdrop that looks suspiciously like Toronto. Highly recommend.
The Stepfather (Lifetime, 6 p.m.)
It’s not the Terry O’Quinn version, so don’t waste your time.
World Cup Curling (NBC Sports, 5 p.m.)
A little something for the ladies.
Spongebob Squarepants (Nickelodeon, 9 a.m.-8 p.m.)
If we’re not getting a Spongebob halftime show, at least we can still watch 22 straight episodes of the daily antics of Bikini Bottom.
Dr. Pimple Popper: The Poppy Bowl (TLC, 5 p.m.)
Ugh ew ew ew gross no no
The Intern (TNT, 5:30 p.m.)
Robert DeNiro is like half a step away from appearing in the next live-action Garfield movie.
Impractical Jokers (TruTV, 10 a.m.-4 a.m. Monday)
I’ve never seen it, but it was the favorite show of like, half a dozen kids at the Little League World Series, so it must be pretty good.
I Love New York (VH1, 10:30 a.m.-9:55 p.m.)
Hot take: I Love New York isn’t even a top-three VH1 trainwreck dating show.
It’s still pretty good, though.
You’re the Worst, streaming on Amazon Prime and Hulu
It’s not actually being broadcast against the Super Bowl. It’s just a really good show.