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The Saints fans’ guide to not watching the Super Bowl

Man, f—- that game

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New Orleans Saints fan cheers against the Los Angeles Rams during the second quarter in the NFC Championship game  Matthew Emmons-USA TODAY Sports

Look, our season shouldn’t be over and Drew Brees shouldn’t be roaming Atlanta soundstages looking like we all feel.

But I can’t fix all that any more than I can make Roger Goodell name which Saints players he talked to about the blown call in the NFC Championship game. All I can do is channel my energy into Who Dat Nation and try to salvage some positive football emotion to hang onto until we get another shot next fall. Watching this Super Bowl* certainly isn’t gonna do that so I’ve put together this list of things you could maybe do instead. If you feel up to it. Or not. Whatever.

1. Honor the one true Super Bowl XLIV.

If you still want the football camaraderie and and a modicum of the black and gold joy that is rightfully your due, act in solidarity with the #pettyaf watch party movement happening around NOLA. For some lagniappe petty, make it a double feature with Super Bowl LI (a/k/a 28-3).

2. Make a very good playlist of Saints-related songs.

“Halftime (Stand Up and Get Crunk)” is an obvious one so maybe skip. Got some good memories of that “This Is the Way We Live (remix)” from the 10-6 2006 post-K season. “I Believe, Go Saints All the Way” is a classic and I don’t trust your Saints fandom if you can’t sing it from memory. When you’re done hit that Benson Boogie one time (RIP, Mr. B!)

3. Have a gumbo debate online.

This is a good route if you’ve still got some anger that you want to passive aggressively channel because that’s what the internet is for in 2019. It’ll be performatively contentious, resolve nothing, and only confirm what you already know to be true. Just like a certain conference championship game.

4. Rotate your Saints gear.

I’ve got a hierarchy of merch that needs seasonal assessing and this weekend’s as good a time as any. It goes:

  • Nice enough to wear to church. These are usually authentic jerseys repping the holy trinity (Brees, Kamara, Thomas) plus any big ticket commemorative season. Examine for patch degredation, frayed embroidery, etc.
  • Gameday attire. Crispy merch that either corresponds with the team’s uni combo that week (i.e. black jersey/pants = black tee w/rhinestone fleur de lis and the “good” leggings) or which didn’t get cleaned because their juju was key to keeping alive either the 10-win or 3-win streaks this season. Examine for fading, missing bedazzlement, pilling. In some cases will have to take these back to the relative or church lady who made these by hand.
  • Sleepwear/housecleaning gear. The eventual graveyard for the above groups. My “Free Sean Payton” t-shirt, for instance, lives in this group only because there’s an armpit hole in it, not because it’s any less indicative of the NFL’s vendetta against this team. Check for holes in inappropriate places so you don’t get arrested for exposure while cleaning the gutters or something.

5. Listen to Gumbo Unplugged (Live), PJ Morton’s Grammy-nominated solo album.

The rest of the world might not know who’s in Maroon 5, but he’s the only member people from the N.O. care about ;)

6. Go on eBay and find a Dome Patrol poster.

Katrina turned this into an extra rare collector’s item and if you can get hold of one, there’s no better add to your man cave/she shed/den/family room. Better yet, recreate the original with your friends and make yourself a custom poster.

7. Donate to Colin Kaepernick’s Know Your Rights Camp.

Because there are greater NFL injustices we shouldn’t forget.

8. Watch a movie while eating a whole king cake by yourself.

This counts as a movie.