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Tom Brady doesn’t want you darn millennials busting your face bones for him

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Life is all about balance.

Tom Brady joined Twitter on April Fool’s Day and now, he’s learning about life on social media, and being confused in the process.

Tom Brady is your dad, and it’s kind of delightful. I legitimately love that a man who eats avocado ice cream as his dessert is here trying to understand the strange and confusing ways of millennials.

For the uninitiated, this is a classic case of “please notice me.” Someone saying something utterly ludicrous in the hopes of a celebrity sharing your tweet. By now most celebs are inoculated to twitter speak, but Tom is new to all this, after all.

Just in case you want to to notice you I’ve formulated a foolproof list of “dos” and “do not dos,” when it comes to tweeting at Tom Brady.

  • DO compliment him on his football ability.
  • DO NOT ask him to remove your spleen with a bullet pass.
  • DO tell him how the TB12 method changed your life for the better.
  • DO NOT tell him how the TB12 method gave you dysentery.
  • DO share anecdotes about your favorite movies with him
  • DO NOT tell him how you want him to torture you like Jigsaw from the Saw movies and slowly watch you bleed out on a bathroom floor over a closed circuit television.
  • DO tell him if you saw him on TV and he looked great.
  • DO NOT tell him that you saw him in his living room with binoculars, and he looked great.

It’s all about boundaries, and Tom isn’t ready to cross some of those and smash your face into a million pieces just so you can say “Tom Brady smashed my face into a million pieces with a football.”

Telling him to smash the Jets into a million pieces is still acceptable and he would enjoy it.