I love Day 3 of the NFL Draft.
As a fan of poorly executed amateur football and the standouts who shine through that haze, it’s a treasure trove of guys I like. While the majority fail to pan out, a handful do.
Day 3 is a long, four-round slog through many players who won’t see NFL action beyond the practice field. That can get repetitive. And tedious. So I’m going to take the advice of a brilliant former SB Nation writer (a genus overflowing with least concern species) and experience this draft through an entirely different lens.
I’m gonna get f***ed up.
I, blessedly, live in Wisconsin. There are no fewer than six breweries on the 30-minute drive from my house to the Dane County Regional Airport. When I first interviewed for a job up here, the waitress at my pre-meeting breakfast was concerned when I didn’t order a bloody mary. It was 6:30 a.m. on a Wednesday and I was wearing a suit.
This whole state eats and drinks like a freshman sprinting through his or her first week of college. This is not a complaint. This is merely an observation of the lifestyle I have adopted. It is why I have a fridge in my basement. It is why it looks like this:
Today’s mission is simple. I’m gonna drink a bunch of those and see if it makes me any better at draft analysis.
Ernest Hemingway did his best work while drunk. That’s not a comparison I’m remotely comfortable with right now, but I probably will be after eight drinks. I look forward to that.
Let’s draft. I’m not going to get to every pick, but I’ll get to all the good or otherwise interesting ones.
It’s technically morning here in Wisconsin. As such I’m starting with a bloody. Zing Zang, Kirkland cheap-ass vodka, and a pitiful swizzle stick that’s basically just a pickle slice, cheddar cube, and the cap end of a beef stick (it’s cheaper to buy the ends).
The beer back is Ale Asylum’s Fvck Covid *and hoarders pilsner. It’s one of the worst beers they make, so it’s still pretty good. And since I don’t want to smell like a soup kitchen all day,
I’m chasing that with a shot of Rumple Minze. More alcohol should taste like toothpaste, says I. Nothing says “I’m professional, but there’s also a 40 percent chance I’m peeing right now” like German peppermint schnapps.
No. 107: the Bengals select LB Akeem Davis-Gaither, Appalachian State
I didn’t think I was drunk, but I just said out loud, to myself, that the Bengals are kinda killing this draft. I must be drunk. Ah shit, it’s too early for that.
Anyway, Davis-Gaither is the reigning Sun Belt Defensive Player of the Year. He’s productive as hell. I can’t wait to see how Cincinnati breaks him.
No. 109: the Raiders select OG John Simpson, Clemson
It took two days for Las Vegas to select someone who *didn’t* run a sub 4.6-second 40.
Picks 110-113: some pretty good guys!
That first bloody — extra hot sauce, pepper, and Worcestershire sauce — was delicious. I’ve moved on to a second. While I’m making my drink, the Panthers sneak in their fourth straight defensive pick of the draft. This is an extremely un-Big 12 strategy for former Baylor coach Matt Rhule, but I’m into it.
No 115: the Browns select TE Harrison Bryant, FAU
Seems like a weird flex for a team that spent a first-round pick on David Njoku in 2017 and made Austin Hooper the richest tight end ever, but I get it. When you’re a Brown you live every day knowing the earth could swallow you hole and the only explanation given at your funeral would be “well, he played for Cleveland.”
Plus, Njoku’s gonna be a free agent next spring. It’s probably more related to that than the universe’s unceasing hatred of the Browns.
No. 116: the Jaguars select OT Ben Bartch, St. John’s
HELL. YES. My favorite Wisconsin tradition is being able to watch the nation’s finest college football tournament each year at wonderful locations like La Crosse, Oshkosh, and Whitewater in single-digit temperatures. I got to see Bartch in the DIII final four last winter against UW-Whitewater and if you thought security guards didn’t give a shit about drinking at Badger games ... hooooo boy, let me tell you about those Warhawks. Wisconsin’s cold-ass winters and the bulky coats that come with it mean a proliferation of handles in the stands. It’s ... beautiful, really.
Oh right, football. We were talking about football. Bartch was pretty good at making 225-pound defensive ends look like children trying to tackle their dads. He also told me at the NFL Scouting Combine that he ran the 400-meter once in high school and decided “never again,” which I can respect. Ultimately I came away more impressed with St. John’s quarterback Jackson Erdmann, who absolutely deserves an NFL shot. There’s no way he’s getting drafted, but if you see a lanky dude with lacrosse hair on your sideline this fall and try to figure out where the hell he came from, it was probably St. John’s.
No. 118: the Broncos select TE Albert Okwuegbunam, Missouri
Over the past two seasons, Denver has drafted:
- Noah Fant
- Drew Lock
- Jerry Jeudy
- K.J. Hamler
- and now Okwuegbunam
I dunno, seems like they might be throwing the ball this year.
No. 123: the Colts select QB Jacob Eason, Washington
Jim Irsay, cackling, gets his latest low-yield franchise quarterback just in case Philip Rivers decides not to come back for his age-42 season in 2024.
No. 125: the Jets select QB James Morgan, FIU
If you have this draft on mute, it’s a completely different experience. The schism between the data ABC/ESPN has on screen and the things their analysts are actually saying is enormous. They’ll break down the Steelers choice of a running back through ticker text while running down a five-minute argument over Jacoby Brissett’s future through with their on-screen analysts.
The package they’re presenting to empty sports bars that have them on mute and people sitting at home are completely different. Being part of the ESPN production crew must be weird.
Also, the Jets got a quarterback. He’s immediately better than Christian Hackenberg.
No. 130: the Vikings select DT James Lynch, Baylor
ESPN is currently devoting twice the time it did on Morgan’s selection to focus on a guy who hasn’t been drafted yet. Here’s a sample.
ESPN: Do NFL teams hate Jake Fromm?
Mel Kiper: Yeah. Oh yeah. Hate him so much. Police tried to arrest him because they all hated him. Weak arm, too.
Chris Mortensen: Guy should be in jail. Hate that Jake Fromm. Just the worst. Projects favorably to Jake Delhomme. Still hate him though.
No. 135: the Steelers select OG Kevin Dotson, Louisiana
Louisiana, Charlotte, and Appalachian State currently have more 2020 NFL Draft picks (two each) than:
- Florida State
- Michigan State
- Ole Miss
No. 138: the Chiefs select S L’Jarius Sneed, Louisiana Tech
Special Olympian Arthur Murphy was the guest announcer for this pick. His first move was to thank the Chiefs for winning the Super Bowl.
The man is a legend, L’Jarius Sneed to the Hall of Fame.
No. 142: Washington selects WR Antonio Gandy-Golden, Liberty
Gandy-Golden was just a total monster at Liberty: two seasons, 150 catches, 2,433 yards, 20 touchdowns in 24 games. He’s used to playing for organizations run by oft-criticized grifters, so Washington should be an easy transition.
No. 146: Cowboys select C Tyler Biadasz, Wisconsin
Travis Frederick retired after overcoming Guillane-Barre Syndrome. That left a hole that can immediately be filled by the latest Badger blocker to turn an All-American nod into a 15-year NFL career. Dallas is having a quietly great draft, which is probably not the thing you wanted to hear about a list of picks delivered from a $250 million superyacht.
No. 149: Colts select G/C Danny Pinter, Ball State
Yes! I really, really like this pick! Pinter is a converted tight end turned tackle turned interior lineman. He’s athletic and intelligent and prides himself on being able to identify pre-snap defensive plans. He can hang out behind Mark Glowinski and Ryan Kelly for a while, then graduate to wrecking shit with Quenton Nelson in 2021 or 2022.
No. 153: 49ers select OT Colton McKivitz, West Virginia
I like McKivitz. I also enjoy this beer very much:
I’m sure you’ve heard of Spotted Cow if you run in certain circles of beer nerdery or “visit Wisconsin” advertisements, but New Glarus is so, so much more. Spotted Cow is pretty good and it might not even be one of their top 10 beers. Also, put in the effort and go to New Glarus, the city. It’s a goddamn treasure. Swiss food. Wisconsin people. So much beer.
Anyway, I’ve directed several comments to that anthropomorphic watering can to kick off Round 5. How are you?
No. 159: Patriots select K Justin Rohrwasser, Marshall
Bill Belichick saw Jake Fromm languishing on his draft board. Then he drafted a kicker who missed three extra points the past two seasons instead.
Man, what a weird f***in’ draft for the Patriots.
No. 163: Bears select CB Kindle Vildor, Georgia Southern
Not a tight end and, therefore, a disappointment.
No. 166: Lions select WR Quintez Cephus, Wisconsin
Cephus might be the perfect WR3 behind Marvin Jones and Kenny Golladay. For years at Wisconsin, all he did was come back to catch floaters and mildly off-target passes on third down. His measureables suck but he’s extremely good, which makes Detroit the perfect place for him to live the next four years.
No. 167: Bills select QB Jake Fromm, Georgia
I mean, if Matt Barkley can look like an All-Pro in limited reps as a Bill, I guess Fromm can too.
No. 170: Ravens select DT Broderick Washington, Texas Tech
Baltimore’s offseason has been all about adding beef to its defensive line. Now the Ravens have the 305-pound Washington, who told me at the combine he can’t force fumbles because his enormous hands are too big.
No. 171: Texans select WR Isaiah Coulter, Rhode Island
Is Coulter the perfect replacement for DeAndre Hopkins? As someone who took summer classes at URI after failing out of freshman physics with extreme prejudice at Carnegie Mellon, I say yes.
No. 176: Vikings select WR K.J. Osborn, Miami
I feel the need to celebrate Rhode Island’s first draftee in three decades. Also, I am getting dangerously sober. So!
With nothing else to offer in this stretch of picks, I give you the greatest drinking song Germany has given the world:
Every great drinking chorus is just a children’ song screamed extra loud.
No. 178: the Broncos select LB Justin Strnad, Wake Forest
Extremely good linebacker. God damn, the Broncos are doing work this draft.
No. 179: the Cowboys select DE Bradlee Anae, Utah
Ah shit, another great pick for Dallas. That’s six drafted players for Utah, who lost in the Alamo Bowl by 28 points to Texas last December.
No. 181: the Broncos select OG Netane Muti, Fresno State
Muti eats 10x10s at In-n-Out burger and put up a combine-high 44 reps of 225 pounds at the bench press. Those two things are related and I won’t hear any argument against it.
No. 187: the Browns select WR Donovan Peoples-Jones, Michigan
/stares at Pharoah
LET MY PEOPLES JONES
No. 189: the Jaguars select QB Jake Luton, Oregon State
Luton has a pretty deep ball but was hamstrung by one of the least talent-rich rosters among Power 5 schools. OF COURSE he ended up with the Jaguars. All I want in this world is for tall Jake to end up with an upper-level receiving corps.
No. 197: Lions select OL John Penisini, Utah
I’m in favor of drafting any lineman whose name includes “penis.” Those dudes have known how to fight since junior high.
No. 200: the Eagles select WR Quez Watkins, Southern Miss
I generally try to avoid drinking at home around my daughter, who is two. I feel weird about it, like she’s going to judge me or, should disaster strike, her lasting memory of me will be yelling about how IPAs got too complicated in our basement. I gently explain to her that I don’t want to drink, but I have to. Daddy’s drinking for football, baby. For America.
In a moment of understanding, our eyes meet. She nods. “TROLLEY!” she exclaims, then her voice gets softer. She puts a hand on my knee. “Trolley.”
I feel better. I pour a porter into my glass and prepare to yell at the Packers for their latest stupid pick. GET A RECEIVER, DICKS
No. 203: the Vikings select OT Blake Brandel, Oregon State
I swear ESPN is only throwing their feed back to Frank Reich’s house to show the Colts head coach hasn’t moved in 72 hours.
No. 204: the Patriots select LB Cassh Maluia, Wyoming
I have literally never heard of this person before.
Nos. 208 and 209: the Packers select C Jake Hanson, Oregon and OT Simon Stepaniak, Indiana
Those dicks did not select a receiver.
Nos. 211-13: the Colts select CB Isaiah Rodgers, UMass, WR Demon Patmon, Washington State, and LB Jordan Glasgow, Michigan
Enjoy your convention center shaped like a city.
No. 214: the Bengals select LB Markus Bailey, Purdue
He’s good. Cincinnati has been dangerously proficient this draft. It’s ruining so many narratives.
No. 220: the Chargers select WR K.J. Hill, Ohio State
Oh dang, that’s a good pick. I wonder how he feels about catching passes from Disney Network star Justin Herbert?
No. 222: the Cardinals select RB Eno Benjamin, Arizona State
I’ve heard more Lenny Kravitz the past three days than Lisa Bonet in 1995. LICENSE MORE SONGS, ABC.
No. 226: Bears select OL Arlington Hambright, Colorado
No. 232: Steelers select DT Carlos Davis, Nebraska
I will forever stan the Davises, who bring ideal discus form to defensive tackle.
No. 240: Saints select QB Tommy Stevens, Mississippi State
New rule: teams can only select FCS, D-II, or D-III players in the seventh round.
No. 246: Dolphins select RB/WR/whatever Malcolm Perry, Navy
I will forever stan whichever multi-tool comes out of the service academies and pray he doesn’t get stuck shuffling between failed spring football leagues. Perry is a monster and he gets to play for a blank canvas in Miami. Win/win.
ESPN, however, does not agree.
Trey Wingo identifies Navy QB Malcolm Perry as being “the quarterback from Army” which might set a record for "most people you can make mad at one time with one college football statement"— Rodger Sherman (@rodger) April 25, 2020
No. 255: Giants select LB Tae Crowder, Georgia
Oh cool, you were able to destroy Vanderbilt. HOW ORIGINAL.