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NFL Week 2 recap: The week the Falcons forgot how to football

Luckily the Falcons have never experienced a collapse like this before.

Atlanta Falcons v Dallas Cowboys Photo by Tom Pennington/Getty Images

Two weeks into the NFL season and this is already super dumb in the best possible way. See, that’s the thing about what we’ve seen so far. You read that first line and were like “Oh yeah, you’re talking about ... The Bears being 2-0. The Chargers almost beating the Chiefs. The Cardinals leading the NFC West.

But no, my friends, y’all know we gotta talk about Atlanta here. As a Panthers fan I’m supposed to take joy in the Falcons’ struggles. 28-3 alone sustained me for years. I can’t anymore though, it’s just too sad. Perhaps I’ve grown soft from knowing so many genuinely lovely Falcons fans, perhaps it’s just old age making me less crotchety. It might be that this year is so horrible I just want everyone to be happy at least for a few damn seconds.

Whatever the reason I cannot stand idly by, while this is happening in an NFL football game and be happy with what I’m seeing.

There are plays in the annals of football history that are special for their ineptitude. On Sunday, the Falcons perpetuated what might have been one of the worst plays in history. This onside kick wasn’t a wide right. A terrible interception. A game-shattering fumble. Those all require one person failing to do their job. No, the onside kick was special because it was an example of at least five players, all with human brains, simultaneously forgetting the basic rules of football.

In case you didn’t see it live lemme break this one down. So the Falcons were up 20-0 in the first quarter in a game that would give any fan base hope. Atlanta fans know better, so if there’s a saving grace they were prepped for this.

Anyway, so the Falcons collapsed — obviously. They’re up 39-37 with barely any time left on the clock so the onside kick is coming. The announcers remark that it’s weird Greg Zeurlein isn’t using a tee. He’s got the ball just laying on its side, as if the football itself quit.

Now, to call this an onside “kick” is generous. This was nothing more than a stylish leg putt. The ball slowly rolled across the field, seemingly wiping the brains of everyone who stared at the ball. Despite there being five players around, any one of whom could have jumped on the ball — it’s like they saw Dallas waiting for it to travel 10 yards and assumed they had to as well.

It was so weird. I know there’s a million ways to really break down the Falcons’ collapse and look at the whys it happened, but nah. We’re not even talking about this today without the onside kick.

Patriots vs. Seahawks was beyond incredible.

I didn’t have a ton of expectations for this game entering Sunday night. I mean, the Seahawks were coming off a decimation of Atlanta and the Patriots were still gelling. But when it was all said and done not only did we get a gem of a game, but a game I’d be glad to see as the Super Bowl a few months from now.

Russell Wilson was beyond incredible. Cam Newton proved he’s back. Everything clicked for both sides and damn ... that was all amazing.

Steve Belichick deserves his own movie.

It’s about the crushing weight of parental expectation and trying to excel in a field where your father has already reached the pinnacle. All while knowing your West Virginia dojo is constantly under attack from a rival gang of ninjas looking for a jade idol that’s buried UNDER the dojo, but Karate Dave, your sensei won’t tell you where.

Business in the front ... NINJA in the back! coming this fall to home streaming services.

I hope Kirk Cousins isn’t conducting a viking funeral ...

Because he’d miss the barge with a flaming arrow and burn down an orphanage. The Vikings are basically the Falcons, northern chapter. The team that every year should be way better on paper than they are on the field, but the Vikings have the odious honor of continuing to stick with Kirk Cousins for some ungodly reason.

On Sunday he finished 11/26, 113 yds, 3 interceptions. I’d like to share a screenshot of a conversation I had with my friend, a Vikings fan.

There’s a lot to unpack in his two statements here. The end result should be that wondering where Case Keenum is might be the saddest condemnation of any football team two weeks into a season. That is just a crushing level of disappointment to deal with.

FYI, he’s in Cleveland. Run to him Vikings fans. Run to him and never look back.

Tyrod Taylor has carved out the greatest NFL career in history.

Hear me out. I’m not talking about some wild statistical zenith that puts him among the league’s greats. I’m talking about his propensity to be signed as a starter, work a couple of weeks, let a rookie take over (and all the bumps in the process) then rinse, and repeat.

It might seem a little unfair. Like he’s not getting a fair shake — but I think it’s brilliant. Whether it was being in Cleveland until Baker Mayfield was ready, or now Los Angeles with Justin Herbert, he’s settled into the role of one of the players I idolize the most in NFL history: Bill Volek.

Volek was that dude who got paid millions of dollars for barely getting hit — which is a hell of a luxury in the NFL. Routinely regarded as “the best backup in the league,” Volek got paid again, and again, and again, and again, for not needing to do much. That’s the dream imo.

I feel like everyone is sleeping on Ryan Tannehill ... AGAIN.

People always forget about the Titans, probably because the AFC South is the most forgettable division in football. Last year I kept telling people to watch what Tannehill was doing, and nobody did until the playoffs.

Now he’s doing it again. Seriously. After two weeks this is where Tannehill stands:

488 yards (70.15% completion), 6 TD, 0 INT — 120.7 rating

Statistically that’s better than Tannehill last year. It put him on pace for almost 4,000 passing yards. Stop sleeping on this man.

Bill Belichick accidentally bought a child-sized mask.

Either that or he washed it on hot. I’m going with child mask though.